Politics

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Jeb Bush’s impending presidential announcement, greeted by yawns from most, has electrified the Neo-Con fanboy community. Fans bid up tickets to Bush’s foreign policy speech, given at the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, to as high as $15. All were desperate to catch a glimpse of a neo-con ‘rockstar,’ and maybe snag an autograph. “I heard Paul Wolfowitz is on board, but I’m hoping for Jon Bolton,” said John Smith, an accountant and devoted fan who camped all night for...

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Today, incumbent Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a statement directed at his electorate on the topic of his possible reelection. While most news agencies were focused on the Prime Minister’s apparent renege on his previous commitment to a two state solution with the Palestinians, we were more interested in something he alluded to later on. “I find that the best way to enshrine democracy is to become a de facto monarch,” Netanyahu said in his speech. Netanyahu currently ranks as...

Following Herzog’s Lead, Netanyahu Ends Rotation with Sara

Following Herzog’s Lead, Netanyahu Ends Rotation with Sara

A day after the left-wing Zionist Union camp announced it was abandoning its rotation of Isaac Herzog and Tzipi Livni as prime minister in the event of an election victory, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he and wife Sara Netanyahu would also drop their rotation should the premier’s party, Likud, prevail in the election. “The rotation between Sara and Bibi has been great for the past six years, with the country’s leadership switching between them each day,” one senior Likud...

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about 3 times before coming to that decision. And while we all agree that Chinese takeout is the best, we don’t...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they also have Rob Schneider, so maybe that’s they’re way of trying to balance things out. Anyhow, It’s not that we...

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

The United Nations has finally found a successor to Richard Falk for the position of Special Rapporteur for the Palestinian territories, naming actor and director Mel Gibson to the post. “When Richard left the position, we never thought we’d be able to fill his shoes,” a UN source explained to The Israeli Daily. “The guy thinks 9/11 was an inside job and called Khomeini a moderate, where do we find someone like that? But then we saw Passion of the...

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Reports that Israel’s leftist Labor Party’s Chairman, Isaac ‘Bougie’ Herzog lost his Apple ipod nano multi-touch weren’t thought to have much impact on Israel’s upcoming elections. Sure, it’s embarrassing – what grown man owns a Nano? – but at least there was no risk of leaked emails or humiliating selfies. That brief relief vanished as the still unidentified finder of Herzog’s Nano began releasing his workout mix, two songs at a time. Chanel 10 was the first to carry the revelation. “We’ve...

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea of launching the #askhamas campaign in English across social media. “We can’t let people actually know what we’re like!” exclaimed...

Israeli TV Network Looks to Limit Audience Voting in “Elections 2015” Reality Show

Israeli TV Network Looks to Limit Audience Voting in “Elections 2015” Reality Show

As filming continues on the new season of “Elections 2015 – The Search for Israel’s Next Terrible Parliament”, TV executives are mulling a change in the successful reality show’s format. “Elections has always incorporated audience feedback,” said Ray Ting, Head of the station’s Crap Content Development Department, “But we need to consider our planned long-term entertainment slate.” Ray explained: “Election is our flagship reality show and we always look to cross-over the show’s winners into the rest of our light...

Netanyahu Gives Graduation Speech at Area Middle-School

Netanyahu Gives Graduation Speech at Area Middle-School

Hot on the heels of his landmark appearance before congress, oral orator Binyamin Netanyahu continued his tour of the United States. After speaking at the quarterly employee meeting of Angelcakes Bakery in Detroit, MI, and entertaining the guests of Uncanny Valley Nursing Home in Tulsa, OK, Netanyahu delivered an address to the 174 students of Flatland-Hills Junior High in Greensboro, NC. The impassioned talk left some students confused (like the one in the image above), yet others found inspiration in...

UAE Plane Geeks to be Released

UAE Plane Geeks to be Released

The United Arab Emirates has stated it will release three men accused of spying against the country after realising they are only a danger to themselves. The three men, two from the UK and one based in Dubai, were arrested after being observed taking notes on the planes flying in and out of the airport. According to local police when questioned the three men said that they were ‘aviation enthusiasts’, however when asked were unable to produce any well composed...

Iranian Official Who Dismissed Netanyahu Speech Wakes Up Without Hand

Iranian Official Who Dismissed Netanyahu Speech Wakes Up Without Hand

An Iranian government official who publicly responded to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address to the US Congress last week by pretending to play the world’s smallest violin has had his hand removed, The Israeli Daily reported. Alborz Javadi, spokesman for Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, noted that whenever the amputation took place, he didn’t feel a thing. “Last thing I remember, I was sharing shisha with some visiting businessmen from Georgia at the Café Armani in downtown Tehran. When I woke...

Operation ‘Money-Maker’: a story for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere

Operation ‘Money-Maker’: a story for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere

In an exciting development for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere, sources have confirmed to The Israeli Daily that last summer’s spot of trouble in a little strip called Gaza had been orchestrated to improve the bottom line of international arms dealers and their shadowy shareholders. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the whole thing was basically concocted to enrich the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Knights Templar and the Clintons. “The cat’s really out of the bag now” admitted Hamas’ Business Development Director, when confronted...

Governor Hopes “Come Terrorize Jersey!” Campaign May Lift Flagging Presidential Prospects

Governor Hopes “Come Terrorize Jersey!” Campaign May Lift Flagging Presidential Prospects

Despite a long history of governors using tourism ads to raise their national profile, many wondered why New Jersey Governor Chris Christie (just slightly pudgy fellow in above image) has directed his Tourism Department to launch a television campaign buying time exclusively in Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan. Tourism Commissioner, Mrs Cannas Toplyin, released a statement, “Governor Christie knows that folks from all over the world want to get away from it all. And who wants to get away more...

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

Only months ago, a new age began to dawn in Iraq as that last corrupt, incompetent, and yes let’s face it slightly creepy chap has been replaced by a charming, talented and darkly handsome fellow, who is in no shape or form going to screw everything up royally. One White House Spokesman was bursting with happiness “we’ve backed a winner this time, no doubt. I know things haven’t always worked out exactly as we planned in the past, but this...

Obama Beginning to Suspect that Republicans Don’t Much Care for Him

Obama Beginning to Suspect that Republicans Don’t Much Care for Him

Despite herculean efforts to mask their antipathy, President Obama is beginning to suspect that Republicans don’t much care for him. “At first, I thought it had to do with me being, you know, ‘the new guy’ – President after less than one term in the Senate – but now I’m beginning to think it may go deeper than that,” Obama explained to The Mideast Beast (TMB) in a brief interview. The President traced the first hints back to the 2008 campaign....

The Men From E.V.I.L.

The Men From E.V.I.L.

Naftali Bennett, Israel’s Minister of Economy and man that gives new meaning to ‘right-wing’ has announced he has endorsed the efforts of a bloc of nations in the UN self-styled E.V.I.L. who have condemned the lack of recognition by the Security Council of their villainous antics. E.V.I.L., which stands for Every Violation In Law, is a campaign group started by Iran to gain more public awareness for ‘unappreciated nations’ that it describes as having “a proud record in human rights...

Israeli Left Begins Shame Spiral So Intense It Results in Formation of Guilt Black Hole

Israeli Left Begins Shame Spiral So Intense It Results in Formation of Guilt Black Hole

Panic overtook Jerusalem today as a black hole formed in central Israel. The event was caused by the continued accumulation of guilt by the Israeli left, until their shame became so dense that it collapsed in on itself, creating a singularity. Having been described as “being ashamed of their own existence,” the Left Wing have long been criticized for ignoring the realities of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, choosing instead to dwell on the guilt of crimes, real and/or imaginary, against the...

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Ben addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds more like the name of a real leader and that’s a fucking snack food! And don’t get me started on...

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Despite Libyan Prime Minister Abdullah al-Thinni resigning a while back, and yet staying in power until a new government can be formed, has been greeted with global confusion as people try to come to terms with the fact that Libya apparently had some sort of ‘government’ to begin with. Regional analyst Brian Junkie was surprised, “They had what now? Really? Are you making this up? I was pretty sure the whole place was just a mashup of the last Mad Max  Lord of the...