Politics

Netanyahu never satisfied

Netanyahu never satisfied

Full-time Prime Minister and part-time Banana Republic ‘Seniors’ model, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu was accused by his peers at the United Nations a few months ago of ‘just never being bloody satisfied.’ “Will he just give it a rest for a day,” complained Ban Ki-moon in a rare moment of candour. “We’ve got every man and his dog dropping explosives on ISIS, you’d think he’d give us some credit, maybe send me a nice note. But oh no, he just starts on...

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

In the most exciting development in the history of the sleepy Midwestern state, the citizens of Indiana found themselves boycotted by several organizations for the morally reprehensible law that allows organizations to boycott those in the state they find morally reprehensible. The surprised Indianans discovered themselves in kinship with several other locales suffering from the same fate: the State of Israel which is being singled out for blackballing for the crime of singly blackballing Palestinians and Iran, which is under...

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Flush after the success at the UN, President of Iran Hassan Rouhani has said that he is launching a campaign to change the US’ current official name in Tehran to reflect greater cooperation between the two countries in the fight against Islamic terrorism. “It started when me and the big O went down to the West Village to grab some shisha, apparently it’s real easy to slip the Secret Service,” Rouhani told a press conference. “To be honest I wasn’t...

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

The timing couldn’t have been better. Just days after reaching a nuclear deal with Iran – a deal Israel says “totally sucks” – the White House held their 7th annual Passover Seder. Surprisingly, the deal didn’t even come up. No one talked about it. When asked about it, White House Press Secretary and obvious gentile Josh Earnest said, “What deal?” Most attendees said they could not possibly see a reason for it to be discussed during Passover, the holiday commemorating...

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how far the intruder got, and the overall undisciplined culture of the secret service, we knew we had found the right...

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and moving to Tel Aviv. Not only did the article turn out to be completely fabricated, but The Mideast Beast even made...

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

In a surprise twist of events, Fox News anchor Eric Bolling came out in support of racial profiling white males in an effort to protect US schools.  Bolling said that he is in support of policies that promote additional levels of screening for white males in an effort to keep schools safe from mass shootings. Under Bollings plan, white males entering school would be asked questions about their purposes for entering the building and other additional levels of screening. “Security...

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system. “I was hoping for some face time with the new chap. I really don’t think we have time for local...

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested that I shouldn’t personally be involved in the negotiations,” commented a relaxed Barack Obama enjoying a fish dinner at a...

New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats

New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats

Despite accusations of Jew bashing, New Yorker editor David Remnick insisted today that Lena Dunham’s recent piece, ‘Jews or Rats’, was neither offensive nor insipid.  “Through thousands of years, people have compared Jews to vermin,” Remnick explained in a statement.  “Lena’s piece should be seen as part of that fine tradition.” Other noted culture critics joined in defending Dunham.  “Lena’s article is a fundamental counter narrative subversion of stereotypes, that deconstructs patriarchal dialectics,” commented Professor of Barista Studies, Ms. Fow...

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force at the slightest hint of a provocation, and this American infidel seems like the perfect fit,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told...

ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”

ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”

Following Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan’s claim that Muslims discovered America in the 10th century, ISIS has jumped on the bandwagon, initiating proceedings to establish its right to ownership of the entire continental United States. The Multinational Jihadist Conglomerate of Incorporated Decapitators, commonly known as ISIS, filed papers late last week with the International Court of Justice, seeking redress for one of history’s great-alleged land swindles. “Muslim sailors landed in America more than three centuries before Christopher Columbus was even an itch in his...

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Turkish President, Tayyip Erdogan, in an “explosive announcement” claimed that Muslims discovered America, and not Roman Catholic explorer Christopher Columbus. One Turkish observer at the announcement noted, “According to our dictator, I mean President, sorry about that, brain freeze, ‘Christopher Columbus referred to the presence of a mosque on top of a mountain in Cuba.’” Erdogan, currently in talks with the Cubans, proposes building a new mosque on the top of that mountain. Cuban officials, speaking on condition of anonymity,...

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian areas in Israel. The Center-Left party, The Zionist Union, has welcomed the move with it’s leader Herzog saying an agreement...

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict over narrative history, the Palestinian Authority sought to score a major win today by unveiling a recently uncovered 1930 edition of the Palestine Post. With Mahmoud Abbas at his side, Department of Archeology Chair Iba bin Digga, explained the finds significance. “We Palestinians struggle to prove our ancient historical connection with our land. The Israelis say that Palestine is an invention, that we are just another group of Arabs without a distinct identity prior to the...

Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official

Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official

According to one person fairly close to the yoga instructor of a low-level aide to the president, the decision not to invite the Israeli Prime Minister to the White House in March was ‘a really easy one to make’. A few months ago, the House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made what is known by political pundits as “a bit of a dick move,” attempting to undermine the president by inviting Netanyahu to address Congress. Netanyahu’s acceptance was seen as “a surprisingly...

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

As proof that his negotiating acumen has succeeded in ‘serious concessions’ from Iran on behalf of Israeli security, Secretary of State John Kerry today revealed the mullahs agreement never to nuke the Jewish state on a Monday, Wednesday or Sunday. “John Kerry understands the serious security concerns of the Israeli people,” Kerry explained, as he spoke about himself in the third person. “Well with this agreement we’ve done just that. By our reckoning we’ve made Israel 43% safer.” Prime Minister...

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Following President Obama’s increasingly hostile rhetoric towards Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, several members of the Elders of Zion privately told The Israeli Daily that they were having second thoughts about their decision to allow him to be elected to the world’s most powerful office. “We were a little apprehensive about letting a guy with the middle name ‘Hussein’ run our most important country, but we figured we’d give him a shot,” said one member of the Elders, the secret...

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Rumors abound that Angelina Jolie, one of the most powerful women in the world, is set to resign as United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Ambassador in response to the organization’s withdrawal from Yemen. “150 UN staffers fled Yemen’s capital over the weekend. Were the peace talks cut out in post-production? Great, another country with a refugee crisis that I have to learn lines for. I’m tired of doing sequels. See you at Cannes. Ciao,” The actress, filmmaker and humanitarian stated...