Politics

Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead

Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead

Calling the central figure of Christianity “really overrated” and “frankly not that tough,” US President Donald Trump bragged that it took him less time to recover from Covid-19 than it took Jesus to rise from the dead. “Everyone makes a big deal about this Jesus guy. ‘Oh, Jesus is so brave because he rose from the dead.’ Sure, but it...

Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan

Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again found himself at the center of a controversy, as comments made during a recent policy speech have forced the Turkish government to take over all administrative duties for the Israeli city of Jerusalem. Israeli officials ecstatically handed over control after Erdogan told Turkish lawmakers that “Jerusalem is our city,” an apparent reference...

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to honor Arafat and his contribution...

Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19
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Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19

Days after testing positive for Covid-19, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove the virus from his body using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after testing positive for Covid-19. “If we just dropped one...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus. The...

UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate
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UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate

In an effort to prevent violence and maintain order, the United Nations announced that it will send 5,000 armed Peacekeepers to Miami for the October 15 presidential debate. Peacekeepers will join the candidates, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, on stage to make sure bloodshed does not break out during the 90-minute debate. The soldiers have been...

Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match
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Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match

Looking to avoid a proxy fight that would cost the lives of hundreds or thousands of soldiers and civilians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have agreed to resolve the dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan through a steel cage match between the two leaders. If Erdogan wins the match by either pinning his opponent or...

Undecided Voter Breaks for Trump After He Says Biden Not Smart

Undecided Voter Breaks for Trump After He Says Biden Not Smart

Joanne Peterson, a previously undecided voter living in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, told The Mideast Beast that she has decided to support President Donald Trump’s re-election after the president pointed out that his opponent, former vice president Joe Biden, is not smart. Peterson said she went into the debate with an open mind but was ultimately persuaded to vote for the president...

Khamenei Accused of Using Earpiece During ‘Death to America’ Rally

Khamenei Accused of Using Earpiece During ‘Death to America’ Rally

Opponents of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have accused the ayatollah of wearing an earpiece during his recent sermons so aids can remind the octogenarian to wish “Death to America.” Iranian dissidents and opposition leaders have noted that the 81-year-old Khamenei has often appeared confused in recent years and are demanding that a third-party inspector check the ayatollah’s ears for...

Putin Furious to Learn Trump Paid No Russian Federal Income Tax

Putin Furious to Learn Trump Paid No Russian Federal Income Tax

Russia has recalled its ambassador to the US after President Donald Trump’s recently published tax returns revealed that he paid almost nothing to the Russian government in federal income tax. The news infuriated Russian President Vladimir Putin, who questioned the president’s patriotism and accused him of being a tax dodge. “President Trump should be paying billions of rubles in taxes,...

Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court
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Trump Nominates Coney Barrett to Supreme Court

US President Donald Trump has nominated Amy Coney Barrett, a circuit judge for the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals, to the Supreme Court of the United States. Trump announced the nomination Saturday evening at a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. “She is a woman of unparalleled achievement, towering intellect, sterling credentials, and unyielding loyalty to the Constitution,” Trump...

Amy Coney Barrett Founded ISIS, Newsweek Reports

Amy Coney Barrett Founded ISIS, Newsweek Reports

US Court of Appeals Judge and Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett founded the Islamic State terrorist group and led it during its formative years, according a story in Newsweek magazine. The magazine later issued a correction, noting that it was in fact Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who is of no relation to Barrett despite having the same first and last...

Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked
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Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked

An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...

Trump Balances Budget by Making Netanyahu Do His Own Laundry

Trump Balances Budget by Making Netanyahu Do His Own Laundry

In a fiscal feat thought impossible amid record stimulus spending, US President Donald Trump has balanced the federal budget simply by asking Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s to reimburse the White House for his laundry costs. Trump’s decision came after The Washington Post reported that Netanyahu regularly brought suitcases and bags full of laundry, which White House staff cleans for...

Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G
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Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G

In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement Over Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News
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The Mideast Beast to Begin Covering Real News

The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news.  This comes at a time when real news, fake news, and satire are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to...