Politics

US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place

US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place

The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just loads of warm beer and sexual repression. So, it’s perfectly understandable that we would want to liven things up. How...

House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn

House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn

After a week in which at least eight Jews were attacked by strangers on the streets of Brooklyn, House Democrats have passed a resolution condemning all random attacks against minorities in New York. “We oppose attacks on the streets of Brooklyn by Islamophobes, white supremacists, transphobes, homophobes, gingerphobes, and all other bigots,” the resolution stated. “We will not tolerate hate against any oppressed group and will fight to ensure Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, African Americans, Latinx Americans, women, short people, freakishly...

International Criminal Court to Prosecute Israel Because Nothing Bad Happening Anywhere Else

International Criminal Court to Prosecute Israel Because Nothing Bad Happening Anywhere Else

The International Criminal Court’s chief prosecutor has decided to examine pursuing legal action against Israel for its 2014 war with Gaza and its ongoing presence in Judea and Samaria because “We can’t really think of a place in the world where anything worse is going on”. The court announced last week that it would pursue a legal action at the request of the Palestinian Authority after a petition from ISIS was denied because “beheading infidels isn’t a human right”. Several...

‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire

‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire

Looking to tout its Jewish credentials, anti-Israel advocacy group Jewish Voice for Peace left followers confused as it posted a picture of a Christmas tree in flames with the caption “our Hanukkah menorah!” “Happy to celebrate this holiday with our fellow Jewish Jews and with our wonderful new menorah,” stated the caption of the picture that looked nothing like a menorah or anything remotely Hanukkah related. “Just as our candles burn, we hope 2020 will see Israel, its people and...

Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting

Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting

Calling it a silver lining to his recent election loss, UK Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn admitted he is greatly relieved he does not have to attend any menorah lightings or “do any other stupid Jewy stuff” to mark the start of Hanukkah. “If I was prime minister right now, I’d probably be surrounded by a bunch of hairy rabbis bragging about how they killed some Greeks 2,500 years ago,” Corbyn told The Mideast Beast. “I’d have to give some speech...

Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson

Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson

Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front of a black-and-white photo he pointed out that the IDF had achieved their primary goal of shifting piles of rubble...

Russia to change Christmas to May

Russia to change Christmas to May

The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriach Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with the faithful about moving the birth of Jesus to 15 May in order to give us more access to sites...

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come on, ‘Two States’? That’s as laughable as another Fantastic Four reboot.” A Palestinian negotiator commented, “I swear if we told...

World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President

World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President

Hours after Donald Trump became only the third US president to be impeached, world leaders from across the globe were stunned and despondent to learn that Trump is still president. “I called the White House and asked for the president, and as soon as he answered I said, ‘Mike, congrats on the promotion! So glad you’re in charge now instead of commander lard-ass,” French President Emmanuel Macron told The Mideast Beast. “Imagine my horror when I hear that jackass’s voice...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Refusing to sign a bipartisan resolution condemning the 100-year-old genocide, US President Donald Trump insisted Tuesday that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump said during a press conference called to discuss infrastructure legislation. “Not all the Ottomans who went there to kill the Armenians were interested in genocide. Some were just upset about what happened to Australian Archduke...

Newsweek Embarrassed to Learn Only Iranian Journalists Beheaded for Negative Coverage

Newsweek Embarrassed to Learn Only Iranian Journalists Beheaded for Negative Coverage

A week after publishing a cover story claiming Iran’s downfall would lead to a resurgence by ISIS, editors at Newsweek magazine admitted they published the story believing that the Iranian regime had strict control of the media globally rather than simply in Iran. “I got this assignment to write about the political situation in Iran, but when I started Googling ‘Iran’ every article I could find talked about how Iran routinely tortures and murders journalists, and how the Ayatollahs won’t...

British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather

British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather

Acknowledging that they no longer felt unsafe after Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn’s electoral beatdown, 77% of Jews said they are nonetheless planning to leave the UK because they share their neighbors’ view of the dreadful weather. “I’ve been saying for years that I’m going to leave the UK if that Jew-hater is elected,” one Jewish Londoner told The Mideast Beast. “But really that was just more of an excuse. I’ve just had it with the rain, the fog, and living...

Warren Blasts North Korea for Promising ‘Christmas Gift’ Instead of Holiday Gift

Warren Blasts North Korea for Promising ‘Christmas Gift’ Instead of Holiday Gift

Calling the North Korean strongman “problematic,” Democratic Senator and presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren came out swinging after Kim Jong Un promised the US a “Christmas gift,” likely in the form of a satellite launch or weapons test. “Does Mr. Kim have any idea how hurtful this language is to American men, women, and non-binary individuals who do not celebrate Christmas?” Warren said while appearing on Meet the Press Sunday morning. “If the Supreme Leader refuses to use inclusive language in...

Britain Now Safe for Jews, Everyone Else Fucked

Britain Now Safe for Jews, Everyone Else Fucked

Following the overwhelming defeat of Jeremy Corbyn at this week’s General Election, it has been confirmed that the UK’s Jewish population can now rest easy in their beds. A spokesperson for the Chief Rabbi commented, “We are relieved to see that our British home has rejected the scourge of anti-Semitism that was allowed to run rampant under Mr. Corbyn. Of course, we do appreciate that this means that the guys over at the local mosque are now well and truly...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Responding to a US Senate bill condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can no longer ignore the suffering of countless victims, who have lost countless hours of their lives watching those stupid shows.” The bill called for a moment of silence for all Turkish youths...

Hamas, Hezbollah Unfriend Corbyn on Facebook

Hamas, Hezbollah Unfriend Corbyn on Facebook

Fearing that their association with the British Labour leader will hurt their popularity in the UK, terrorists from Islamist militant groups including Hamas and Hezbollah have unfriended Jeremy Corbyn on Facebook. Despite his loyal support for the terror group, senior members of Hamas told The Mideast Beast that they have begun ignoring Corbyn’s calls after exit polls showed him leading his party to its worst outcome since 1935. “We have appreciated his friendship, but how can we ever expect support...

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

With protestors in the streets in Iran over the rise in the cost of gasoline, and the economy crippled by American sanctions, another key Iranian industry is suffering a severe downturn: flammable American flags. Since the revolution, the Iranian regime has supplemented their economy that was largely based on oil and flying-carpet revenues with the sale of American flags that were easy to light on fire for the anti-imperialist protestor. Now though, with protests sweeping Lebanon, Iraq and at home...

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

Dems to Let DJ Khaled on Stage to Avoid All-White Presidential Debate

In a move aimed at highlighting their party’s diversity, the Democratic Party announced that Palestinian-American rapper DJ Khaled will take the debate stage alongside the party’s six leading white candidates. The decision came amid concern among Democratic leaders that all candidates to qualify for the debate would be white following Senator Kamala Harris’s withdrawal from the race. “We are the party of diversity, so it’s not the best look when our top six candidates are 5 and 1023/1024 Caucasian,” Democratic...

Trump Dangles Gold Coin, Potato Latke in Bid for Jewish Votes

Trump Dangles Gold Coin, Potato Latke in Bid for Jewish Votes

In his latest attempt to gain ground among Jewish voters, President Donald Trump dangled a large gold coin for 15 minutes during a speech at the Israeli-American Council summit. “Would you look at that? And plenty more where that came from!” Trump declared, drawing confused murmurs from the crowd. “I know you guys like that. And if I lose, there will be no more. Pocahontas will take all your gold. You hear me, Jews? So you have no choice but...

White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists

White House Confirms: Only Poor Muslims Can Be Terrorists

A White House spokesman has confirmed that only those earning less than $100 a year can be properly defined as terrorists, whilst those from ‘good homes’ probably just needed a high-quality East Coast counsellor to talk through their anger issues with. “The President has been speaking to King Salman this morning and the two are in agreement that the tragic incident in Pensacola could have been easily avoided if only the gunman had had access to really high end anti-depression...