Politics

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

World Health Organization Forced Valium into Israeli and Palestinian Water Supply

TEL AVIV –  The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within...

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Noam Chomsky Demands War Crime Charges for Bo Obama

Lamenting that the former first dog did nothing as his owner escalated a campaign of drone strikes and targeted killings, leftist activist Noam Chomsky is calling for Bo Obama to be brought before The Hague for alleged war crimes. “While Barack Obama violated the Geneva Conventions, the 1907 Hague Restrictions and the customary laws of war with his killings of civilians in Pakistan, Yemen, and Somalia, we heard not so much as a bark from his best friend and accomplice,”...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

TEHRAN – Responding to what he termed “the alarming trend of homosexualization” sweeping Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has outlawed male genital grooming. Blaming “western cultural imperialism” for the growing popularity of ‘manscaping’ in the Islamic Republic, Ali Khamenei announced the fatwa at a recent meeting of senior Shi’ite clergy in the holy city of Qom: “Allah made your balls hairy, so be proud of them – or lose them!” he declared to thunderous applause. As such, spot checks...

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...

British Labour Party Issues Statement: “Let’s Just Agree to Disagree About the Jews”

British Labour Party Issues Statement: “Let’s Just Agree to Disagree About the Jews”

In an attempt to draw a line under current criticism that the Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn might be just a tiny bit “anti-Jew” the party HQ provided a press release this morning. It read in part: “Look just to be clear we love Jews. We merely have a principled concern with the rights of Palestinians to live in peace on their land and the long-term hope for a two-state solution that recognizes everyone’s rights. Also, we suspect that Jews run...

Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’

Biden Vows to Give Assad a ‘Noogie’

Calling the Syrian strongmen an evil tyrant who desperately needs to be brought to justice, former Vice President Joe Biden has vowed to track down Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and give the Middle Eastern leader a “noogie.” “If we were back in high school, I would find that sucker, put him in a headlock and dig my knuckles into his skull until he cried ‘uncle,’” Biden declared Friday. “And you know what? That is exactly what I’m going to do.”...

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to Begin Non-Violent Communication Couples Counseling

North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and United States President Donald Trump are reportedly to begin Non-Violent Communication Therapy. Donald Trump has tweeted, “Nobody does non-violent communication better than me. We are going to break down the biggest walls!! #MAGA” A spokesperson for the North Korean regime corroborated the story, stating that “Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un will engage imperialist leader ‘little-hands Trump’ with Non-Violent Communication. The Supreme Leader invented Non-Violent Communication Therapy for those times when tying someone to a...

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins, Nerve Gas in Syria, Russian Mercenaries, the ‘totally in control’ Iranian Nuclear program, Premature Suicide detonations, Sinai Camel Pirates, Sunni...

Saudi Arabia’s “It” Prince, D-Bag Bureaucrats, and La La Land’s Polite People

Saudi Arabia’s “It” Prince, D-Bag Bureaucrats, and La La Land’s Polite People

With Prince Mohammed of Saudi Arabia and host Molly Livingstone both in the US on tour, it’s only a matter of time before their paths cross. Until then, the podcast covers the prince’s visit to the White House, his weird mommy issues, and co-host Alex Giles’s not-boy crush. The two also discuss the red tape around the red ribbon ceremony for the new impending Jerusalem US embassy (slated to open in May), polite Americans, and their desire to know what...

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Mossad Confirms: Jeremy Corbyn Probably Not That Big a Deal

Sources within Mossad, Israel’s national intelligence agency, have confirmed to The Mideast Beast that it has better things to worry about than Britain’s Leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, and that on balance he isn’t the biggest existential threat to the State of Israel. “Iran continues to race towards possession of nuclear weapons, ISIS is still around, and the Syrian army continues taking out its frustrations on its own people. So with all that in mind we don’t consider the ramblings of some...

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

Middle East Breathes Sigh of Relief as Trump Concentrates on China

The region voted most likely to bring about The End of Days since 1948 breathed easy the other day as President Trump pivoted his Twitter diplomacy in an Asian direction. A Saudi diplomat commented, “For a moment there we thought he was going to start giving us some grief over the oil prices or the cluster fuck of the month that is Yemen. But luckily it appears that he thought it would be more fun to provoke another nuclear power.” Israeli commentator...

Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Syrian President Offers to Help Trump Curb Chicago Gun Violence

Over the weekend, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad reached out to the Trump administration offering to help with the rising gun violence in Chicago. “You know, I have a great deal of experience dealing with armed gangs and civil unrest,” President Assad said to reporters. “Our so-called ‘Free Syrian Army’ isn’t so different from your Almighty Gaylords.” The White House Press Office has announced that a comprehensive anti-crime joint taskforce is being developed with the Syrian Government to quell the gang-related...

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Middle Eastern Observers Certify Russian Elections

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s landslide re-election complied with international standards, according to election monitors from across the Middle East. “In polling stations throughout the country, Russian voters were free to cast their ballots without fear of intimidation or retribution,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad said in a statement. “Votes were counted thoroughly and accurately by disinterested parties, and the results reflect the will of the people.” Egypt’s Abdel Fattah el-Sisi echoed Assad’s statement, adding that the leadup to the election also...

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

Terrorists Disappointed to Learn SJW Doesn’t Stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior

AFGHANISTAN – Terrorist leaders are reportedly disheartened after learning that ‘SJW’ doesn’t stand for Salafi-Jihadi Warrior. “On the news, we heard how these students were harassing Jews on U.S. campuses, and how much they love Islamists like Linda Sarsour. They refer to these students as ‘SJWs’ and we just sort of assumed SJW meant Salafi-Jihadi Warrior.” Another leader explained, “But then we got confused because then they started saying how the hijab is a symbol of women’s liberation or how...

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Eric Trump Begs ISIS for a Meeting

Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s children, Eric Trump has released a series of e-mails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother is all over the TV becuz (sic) he got to meeted (sic) with the Russians,” said one e-mail addressed to “Mister Bag Daddy,” an apparent misspelling of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s name. “I have to show dad...

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

Kerry Demands Kim Turn Over Nukes to Iran

In a bold move made in response to President Trump’s upcoming meeting with the North Korean dictator, former Secretary of State John Kerry has demanded Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un turn over all its nuclear weapons to the Islamic Republic of Iran. “If Rocket Man is serious about avoiding war with America, he is going to have to turn over all his nukes to the only person in the world that we can truly trust,” Kerry declared as he boarded a...

Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan

Trump Hides Stormy Daniels Non-Disclosure Agreement in Mideast Peace Plan

Looking to make sure that the document detailing his affair with the porn star never sees the light of day, US President Donald Trump has hidden his “hush agreement” with Stormy Daniels in his Mideast peace proposal. Trump has been searching for ways to release the non-disclosure agreement without anybody noticing. Given low expectations for his Mideast peace proposal, he concluded that the document has a good shot at being completely ignored. “Look, the Israelis and the Palestinians don’t want...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a fairly recent NRA advertisement that’s still making the rounds, “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean,...

Cyrus the Great Rises From Dead to Protest Trump Comparison

Cyrus the Great Rises From Dead to Protest Trump Comparison

The late King Cyrus of biblical Persia rose from the dead on Thursday in order to protest Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s “audacious and appalling” comparison between himself and US President Donald Trump. Cyrus the Great, known to Trump as “Cyrus the Greatly,” lifted his 2,500-year-old corpse out of its resting place in Pasargadae and addressed humanity: “Hear ye, hear ye, people of Millennial Earth. Let it be known through all the lands that my hair is not orange, and...

Bibi’s Off-Broadway Show Comes to AIPAC and Also There’s An Octopus

Bibi’s Off-Broadway Show Comes to AIPAC and Also There’s An Octopus

On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles pack it in on AIPAC, that friendly Israel loving lobby. It’s all about Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s off-Broadway (way off Broadway) one man show. What will Bibi say, and will it be another chorus of Iran, bombs, and BDS? Well, if Alex can stop ranting about his first world problems, and Molly can stop chastising him for whining about his first world problems, we may...