Politics

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East

Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...

Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”

Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”

Israel has rebuked Turkey for going “Full Hitler” way too early into an argument the two were conducting early Saturday evening. The disagreement started, as it often has, over something Israel said it had heard Syria say about Turkey behind its back. “It was just your standard smack talk. You know, if you come over my border again I’m going to treat you like you were Armenian,” Israel commented. “However, we think Turkey was further down the bottle of Raki...

Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine

Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine

Elon Musk, desperate to find a use for his newly constructed submarine which Thailand’s divers declined to use for their daring rescue mission, has invited further ridicule for his suggestion that his invention could be used to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Some say that PR stunts and loads of money being thrown at expensive toys can’t solve everything”, the billionaire engineering entrepreneur said in a statement. “Well, I disagree. Just look at  Donald Trump and his golf courses. OK, bad...

Hamas Chief Says He Misspoke and Meant to Say He Sees No Reason Why Israel “Shouldn’t” Exist

Hamas Chief Says He Misspoke and Meant to Say He Sees No Reason Why Israel “Shouldn’t” Exist

Following rebuke from international observers for a speech in which he questioned Israel’s right to exist and called for her destruction, senior Hamas figure, Ismail Haniyeh, claims he misspoke and went before the press to say that he “realized there is some need for clarification”. “In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word ‘should’ instead of ‘shouldn’t’. The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why that filthy Zionist entity of land thieves and child...

ISIS Leader Fired After Decade-Old Reasonable Tweets Resurface

ISIS Leader Fired After Decade-Old Reasonable Tweets Resurface

The Islamic State’s board of directors has fired Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi after past tweets surfaced in which the cleric used reasonable language to make sensible proposals. “Good move by @alQaeda attacking Jews&Westerners first and leaving Shiites 4 later,” one 2009 Tweet read. “2 declare Caliphate and try to kill every1 immediately=very stupid.” Another offensive tweet, this one from 2008, read, “Killing infidels is enough – no need for brutal torture!” The most repugnant, however, appeared to condemn pedophilia, saying...

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

ISIS Leader to Trump: ‘Stop Calling Me with Nuclear Codes’

Saying that he just could not deal with the constant phone calls, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has asked US President Donald Trump to stop calling him at all hours of the night to discuss US state secrets. “At first, I thought it was a tremendous victory that the head of the infidels would call me, unprompted, and tell me about confidential US military missions or which of my fighters is secretly a spy,” the ISIS caliph told The Mideast...

Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious

Mossad to Train Russia on Making Assets Less Obvious

Insisting that Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Service – the successor to the KGB – must do a better job of disguising its assets, Israel’s Mossad has invited the agency’s leadership to Tel Aviv for a one-on-one seminar in how to train recruits. “The SVR has done a tremendous job of finding high-level assets in influential nations and bringing them fully on board with the agency’s mission,” an unnamed Mossad source told The Mideast Beast, referring to the service by its Russian...

Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’

Hamas to The Onion: ‘Enough Anti-Israel Propaganda’

The Gaza-based Palestinian Islamist group Hamas chided The Onion yesterday for its anti-Israel obsession, urging the Wisconsin-based satirical publication to “focus more on the LOLs.” The group’s message comes more than two months after an outbreak of violence led to a series of Onion articles that, in the words of Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh, “were the kind of anti-Israel rants we normally only see when Ahmed’s chugging the fermented goat’s milk.” “Listen, we love hearing people rip on those Jews...

UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites

UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Fire Kites

The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Monday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian flaming kites, which Gazans have been sending over the border into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the kites are often damaged upon impact before the Israeli fields burst into flames. “In a typical case of disproportionate Israeli aggression, Israeli farmers are now using their gigantic fields of various agricultural products to destroy significantly...

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country

Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...

Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers

Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers

In another courageous protest against the occupation, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular, tan special forces commanders, but instead we got stuck with two skinny privates and some guy in the IDF’s IT department,” Sarah Greenstein, a 22-year-old...

U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast

U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast

A local dad from Gary, Indiana named Doug Seaver is stoked to have found what he is reporting to be “the best deal in the history of the Internet.” He reportedly scored five tickets for a family cruise off the coast of Somalia, plus airfare, all for just $17.99. “When I saw this deal I was stunned. My wife asked if I’m buying tickets for our two teenage daughters and newborn baby and I was like ‘what do you think I’m an...

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made environmental protection a priority; Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Hermann Göring. You know all the greats.” A representative from the United...

Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish

Wounds of Terror, Laughter that Heals, and a Mr. Potato Head Fetish

Go straight to Sound Cloud for Kay Wilson’s amazing interview. If you faked your own death and survived, what would your real life look like after that? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, host Molly Livingstone gets in bed (literally) with Kay Wilson, survivor of a brutal terrorist attack. Clearly using humor to cope with reality, Wilson is, no joke, fighting against western monies funding terrorist groups, friending the supposed enemy, and admittedly still playing with Mr....

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

PA Promises to Only Pay Families of Nice Terrorists

The Israeli parliament’s decision to bring forward legislation to financially penalize the Palestinian Authority by the amount they pay out to families of terrorists, has led to a call for compromise by the West Bank leadership. “We get it, honestly. We understand why the Israelis might be a bit pissed with us for dishing out dollars to encourage more stabbings”, a spokesman said. “But, not all our guys are that bad, Zionist-killing aside of course. More than one of them...

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Democrats Urge Trump to Nominate ISIS Leader Instead of Kavanaugh

Noting that nobody could be more radical than Trump’s pick for the seat, Senate Democrats are urging the US president to replace Brett Cavanaugh with ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “I demand that President Trump withdraw his pick immediately and appoint a moderate, like [Syrian President] Bashar al-Assad or al-Baghdadi,” Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters said after Trump’s pick was announced. “Now, I admit that I haven’t Googled Cabernet, or whatever his [Kavanaugh’s] name is, yet, but since Trump picked him...

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

Slamming Trump, ISIS Signs Up to Paris Climate Agreement

ISIS signed up to the Paris Climate Agreement yesterday whilst at the same time criticizing the United States which, following an executive order issued by President Trump, withdrew from the accords. “We recognize that planet earth belongs to all our children and that it is our global responsibility to look after it”, the Islamic terror group said in a statement. “By all our children, of course, we mean only those who recognize our cause for Jihad. The infidels’ children obviously...

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...