Politics

US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”

US Quickly Moves Toilet Paper Reserves to Fort Knox Following ISIS Threat of “Crippling Attack”

The US government is reportedly moving the nation’s diminishing toilet paper reserves to Fort Knox, known by many as ‘the Vault’, famous for its high-level physical security. Locals in Kentucky reported sightings of military vehicles in a miles-long convoy, accompanied by troops from the US Armed Forces, including, by demand of President Trump, detachments from US Space Force. Heading towards the Vault, all vehicles were loaded to the absolute maximum with much of the nation’s dwindling, and much coveted, rolls...

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

Italy Switches Sides Again: Country Now Fighting with Coronavirus

In an unorthodox, yet predictable move, the Italian government announced that the country will now be fighting with the Coronavirus as opposed to fighting against it. While the move goes against WHO regulations it was not perceived as outrageous given the country’s history of changing sides whenever they are losing in battle. “We tried everything,” said an Italian health official. “We tried modern medicine and it didn’t work. We tried our old giant bird masks, but they didn’t work, we...

Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

Following last week’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu will form yet another Israeli government. According to the celebrity academic Yuval Noah Harrari the world has completely changed overnight.  “New York, London, and Tokyo are underwater, most internationally recognized states...

AOC: Racist Corona State Threatens World Peace

AOC: Racist Corona State Threatens World Peace

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) is urging US millennials to “boycott the racist Mideast state Corona.” The call comes right when New York just became the corona epicenter in the US. AOC spoke to The Mideast Beast about her important message to young progressive Americans. “Well, you know, if you are smart like me, you must boycott weed and beer from the virulently oppressive Mideast state Corona, which threatens world peace, climate change, and Milton Keynes’ influential vision of a stable...

Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’

Benny Gantz to Consult Aung San Suu Kyi on How to ‘Fail to Deliver’

Benny Gantz placed his bid to become the next Knesset Speaker on Thursday, increasing the likelihood a coalition government with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Now he is already cashing in on the historic about-face. Gantz is going to advise Nobel prize winner-turned-ethnic cleansing enabler, Aung San Suu Kyi, on how to epically disappoint expectations. Benny Gantz entered political life a little over a year ago with a promise to bring change and end the Netanyahu era. “Then he just changed...

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

Iran Requests Humanitarian Assistance; Can No Longer Bomb Civilians on its Own

The Iranian government has lodged an official request with both the United Nations Security Council and the European Union for assistance as it battles the ongoing novel coronavirus. As part of that assistance, The Islamic Republic of Iran requested that they immediately begin bombing Syrian civilians, arming Hezbollah and support global terror activities after it became clear that they would not be able to fulfill their role as the leading sponsor of terrorism worldwide. The European Union said that they...

Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

Sanders Blasts .1% of Americans for Hogging 100% of Coronavirus

In a scathing attack on Americans battling COVID-19, Senator Bernie Sanders accused the 60,000 Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus of rigging the system to prevent all Americans from experiencing the disease. “We keep hearing about how America is leading the world in new coronavirus cases, and how there have never been more Americans with a fever and dry cough, but for most citizens it does not feel that way,” Sanders said at a recent rally. “It is not fair...

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

To Stop Coronavirus, New Yorkers Ordered to Die of Mold and Lead Poisoning

MANHATTAN — The Mideast Beast’s North American Desk was at the Javits Center in Manhattan on Tuesday covering the latest on the coronavirus. In an effort to stop its spread, New York’s Governor Andrew M. Cuomo called for the harshest measures yet to combat the infectious disease. Cuomo was adamant that the city’s residents must stay indoors, noting, “We need New Yorkers to sit tight for now, in their shitty, overpriced, moldy, windowless apartments and drink their lead poisoned water”....

Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

Blaming Thunberg and AOC for Coronavirus, Iran Refuses Help from US, Sweden

After refusing to receive medicine to fight the coronavirus from both the US and from Sweden, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei explained to The Mideast Beast why he believes the two nations are in cahoots. “Look at the world right now”, said Khamenei, “the streets are empty everywhere. Everything is closed. No cars, no shops, no souks, no nothing. Broadway? Curtains are down. Disney World? Dead as Baghdadi. Even the streets of occupied Palestine are empty! Well, except for Tel...

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact cave with 4 Jihad Playmate wives and 72 Victoria Secret virgin servants. “It’s very difficult but someone has to do...

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians Unite to “Wipe Coronavirus off the Map”

Israelis and Palestinians have vowed to “wipe the coronavirus off the map” together. Gaza resident Thabet Thabet spoke to The Mideast Beast. “It feels like cheating, but I’m cheering Zionist Apache AH-64s neutralizing corona sites in Gaza. In return, since Yid Men Can’t Jump with anti-Covid-19 bomb belts, we teach them all our tricks.” Across the border, one Israeli man, Moshe ben Shimon, admitted that he supports Hamas. “I would probably not invite Hamas folks for dinner, but they are...

Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19

Heaven Decreases Virgins Per Muslim from 72 to 4 Amid Fears that Large Gatherings Further the Spread of Covid-19

A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to the spread of the novel coronavirus. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by building an ark. “Things are going to be a lot different around here,” said a representative of the...

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

US Invades Oman After Discovery of Massive Purell Fields

The United States has launched an invasion of the Sultanate of Oman after geologists discovered vast Purell reserves under the county’s Wahiba Sands. The reserves make Oman the world’s leading producer of the hand sanitizer, comprising nearly a quarter of the world’s total supply. But US officials insisted the timing was pure coincidence, with the invasion aimed at bringing democracy to the Omani people and ending the dictatorship of Sultan Haitham bin Tariq, who took office in January. “For too...

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Afghanistan: We Should Be Named Happiest Country

Finland has been named happiest country in the world in the yearly World Happiness Report. The prize for the most miserable nation was taken by Afghanistan, a country so extremely democratic that it elected two presidents in its last presidential elections. The Mideast Beast first spoke to President Abdullah Abdullah about Afghanistan’s poor ranking. “I highly question the way that the report was compiled”, said Abdullah, “The authors looked at factors such as honest governments, safe environments and healthy lives....

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

US Kills Virulent Terrorist Mastermind Corona, Trump Claims

In a dramatic overnight covert operation, US Special Forces eliminated the world’s top virulent terrorist, General Corona, outside Baghdad airport. According to President Trump, a US drone fired 19 COVID-positive missiles into the car, carrying Corona, his virulent bodyguards, and some other douche of a virus. In recent weeks, the virus mastermind wreaked havoc on every sector throughout societies worldwide. Corona recently forced the New York Stock Exchange to close its trading floor. A self-congratulatory President Trump spoke to The...

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

‘Israelis Not Sexting as Much’, General Security Services Complain

This week saw the deployment of “digital methods” by the Israeli government to stem the tide of Covid-19 infections and with it, a trove of new information is being made available to the Israeli security services. After the first week they have begun to draw some conclusions, and some of them have surprised Shin Bet agents in charge of intel collection. “Israelis aren’t sexting as much as we were hoping,” noted one mid-level agent overseeing the surveillance. Another agent told...

Assad Now Embarrassed he Met with Tulsi Gabbard

Assad Now Embarrassed he Met with Tulsi Gabbard

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has apologized for his 2017 meeting with Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard, saying that he had been under the impression that she was a relevant political figure in the US. Assad’s statement came after Gabbard dropped out of the presidential race after receiving just 0.5% of the vote in Tuesday’s primary contests. “I never would have met with her if I knew how absolutely irrelevant she was,” Assad told supporters. “Christ, even I let my opponents get a...

Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine

Israel Places Entirety of Gaza Strip Under Quarantine

To combat Cordvid-19, Israel has announced a plan to place all of the Gaza Strip under quarantine. The plan came into effect after Israel suspected that two Palestinians had moved across the border in the past five years. Israel said it will seal off the borders of Gaza indefinitely while it tries to contain the crisis. “The idea is restrict movement of all Gazans until the pandemic is over,” said one health official, mysteriously dressed as a soldier. “Once this...

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed little concerns for the needs of their fellow Dutch and hoarded the drug as if it were toilet paper. Instead, the desperate Dutch turned to...

Endorsing Sanders, Iran Hosts “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride Parade”

Endorsing Sanders, Iran Hosts “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride Parade”

Iran’s super-liberal ayatollah regime is endorsing Bernie Sanders and hosting the world’s largest “Post-Jewish Infidel Pride” parade in Tehran. The unconventional initiative comes after Sanders is increasingly facing pressure to exit the presidential race. Iran’s supreme-leader Ayatollah Khamenei spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Zionist-free, corona-infested subterranean nuclear rice factory. “I am concerned about rising levels of antisemitism in white supremacist Trump’s America. This is why Iran endorses the proud post-Jew Bernie Sanders for president of the “Great Satan”....