Politics

Alec Baldwin’s Wife Habeeba Opens Up About Arab Heritage
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Alec Baldwin’s Wife Habeeba Opens Up About Arab Heritage

Habeeba Baldwin, the wife of actor Alec Baldwin, has recently opened up about her Arab heritage and the difficulties adjusting to life in the West. Habeeba, who told The Mideast Beast that she misses her home country of Agrabah every day, says she frequently struggles both with the English language and with American norms. “Yesterday I looked out the window...

Fascism Finally Defeated After 9,328th Business Vandalized in Portland
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Fascism Finally Defeated After 9,328th Business Vandalized in Portland

Humanity’s century-long battle with fascism is finally over, after rioters in Portland, Oregon destroyed Starbucks Coffee on 3rd Avenue, a key Nazi stronghold, late Thursday night. The rioters’ seven-month siege of the city, which has focused on smashing the windows of businesses, throwing Molotov cocktails at police officers, and dumping paint on elderly women, proved too much for the global...

Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve
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Gay Vandals Give Al-Aqsa Mosque ‘Rainbow Makeover’ on New Year’s Eve

JERUSALEM – Not long after painting Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Giza pink, the Homorabian Liberation Front has struck again, coating the dome of Islam’s third holiest site in the colors of the rainbow. In a daring New Year’s Eve mission, activists from the Arab LGBT group snuck onto Jerusalem’s Temple Mount and scaled the Al-Aqsa Mosque to execute their so-called...

Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen
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Saudi Government and COVID Come to Agreement on Destruction of Yemen

In a ground-breaking first for medical science, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and COVID-19, the disease caused by SARS-CoV 2, have agreed to share responsibility for the devastation of Yemen. A spokesman for the Kingdom commented, “We’ve been at this for five years, and to be frank it’s not exactly been ‘Mission Accomplished’. It appears that a campaign of precision...

US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal
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US to Sell UAE Massive Twisted Tea Shipment in Weapons Deal

In an arms deal that could change the balance of power in the region, the United Arab Emirates has agreed to buy 100 million Twisted Tea cans from the US. The UAE, which was previously looking to purchase 50 advanced stealth F-35 jets, decided to instead invest its defense budget in the alcoholic beverage after seeing a video in which...

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
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Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus. The...

Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate
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Trump Demands to see Jesus’ Birth Certificate

As Christians around the world celebrated the miraculous birth of the Messiah, one brave outlier remained skeptical of his origin story. Although Trump insists that the Bible is his favorite book, he refused to cow to Big Church’s insistence tweeting, “No, Jesus wasn’t born in a stable in Jewdea (sic), I demand to see his birth certificate”. “Everybody’s thinking about...

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
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Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The...

Trump Pardons Pontius Pilate

Trump Pardons Pontius Pilate

In the latest in a wave of 11th-hour pardons, President Donald Trump has granted clemency to former Roman governor Pontius Pilate, clearing him of all charges in the death of Jesus Christ in 33 AD. In a memo, Trump said that Pilate had been treated “very unfairly by those crooked Samaritans” and that pardoning him will right a longstanding injustice....

Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’
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Jill Biden Launches ‘Doctorates without Borders’

Looking to bring rigorous scholarship and impressive credentials to the most remote and poverty-stricken corners of the globe, incoming First Lady Dr. Jill Biden announced she will launch a new non-governmental organization called ‘Doctorates without Borders.’ Biden will lead holders of PhDs and other post-graduate degrees to war zones and third-world countries to deliver life-saving lectures on their subjects of...

Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies
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Election ‘Best Two Out of Three,’ Trump Clarifies

Following the US Electoral College’s confirmation that Joe Biden won the 2020 Presidential Election, Trump has publicly conceded that he has lost round one. However, he immediately announced his campaign plans to take a short break before gearing up for round two of the best-of-three election series. “Biden might have just barely won the ‘first election’ because of the crooked...

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’
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San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of paralytics to walk, as well...