Politics

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

South Asia Set to Officially Become The ‘New Middle East’

As tensions rise between nuclear-armed neighbours India and Pakistan, many international observers are now starting to term the region as the ‘New Middle East’. The new status comes following India’s controversial decision to change the status of the disputed territory of Kashmir, coupled with Pakistan’s feisty response. “A territorial and religious conflict borne out of colonialism, in an exotic part of the world – that pretty much defines the Middle East as we’ve understood it for decades”, one foreign policy...

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

ISIS Calls Off Attacks on US: ‘You Guys Have It Covered’

In a move aimed at terrorizing US citizens, the Islamic State has announced a new initiative to sit back and do nothing while Americans slaughter each other in mass shootings. “The whole point of radical Islamic terrorism is to prevent people from gathering at church, in school, at shopping centers, or at bars without the fear of falling victim to an act of senseless violence,” former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained. “Since there’s not much more we can do on...

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Syrian Civil War Ends After Assad Bans Violent Video Games

Taking inspiration from GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy and US President Donald Trump, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has ended years of violence and civil war by enacting a ban on violent video games. The ban, which came after more than 400,000 Syrian deaths since 2011, has brought peace to the region, as both ISIS and pro-government forces have overcome their violent tendencies. “After hours upon hours of playing Grand Jihad Auto, World of Holy Warcraft, and Jihadi’s Creed, how could I...

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

US to Send White Supremacist Terrorists to Gringotanamo Bay

Saying that the threat of additional terrorist attacks justified extraordinary measures, the US has begun holding suspected white supremacists on the island of Gringotanamo Bay off the coast of Cuba. American officials made the decision after a pair of shootings in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas – one of which was believed to be carried out by white supremacists – killed 29 Americans. Almost immediately, white men affiliated with radical groups were rounded up and shipped to the island,...

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Jihadists Assumed Hamza bin Laden Died Years Ago

Some of the Middle East’s most ardent Jihadists have expressed surprise at the announcement of the death of Hamza bin Laden, the son of 9/11 mastermind Osama, as they had assumed he had been dead for years. “When we’d heard that the Americans had declared Hamza dead, our first question was ‘who’?”, commented one Al Qaeda figure. “It took us a while to work out who they were talking about. Frankly, we hadn’t seen him in years and around these...

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Biden’s Faltering Campaign Not Getting Support from Zionist Elders

Former Vice-President Joe Biden’s thus-far underwhelming performance in the Democratic Party’s primaries debates is due in large part to his campaign team’s failure to secure support from the Zionist overlords of Hollywood, the world banking system and the DNC, with of course the exception of #thesquad, who are entirely their own type of annoying. “It’s a classic mistake we’ve seen time and time again”, stated one commentator. “A high-flying candidate with solid credentials making that fatal error of failing to...

Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews

Ilhan Omar: Greatest Threats to America Are Racism and the Jews

In response to comments from President Donald Trump urging her and three other freshmen Congressmen to “go back” to their countries, Representative Ilhan Omar called racism and bigotry the biggest threat facing America, along with the Jews. “It is horrifying that in 2019, an elected leader like Donald Trump could question our loyalty to our country based solely on our race and nationality,” Omar said in a press conference. “Besides, it’s the Jews who hate America.” Other far-Left lawmakers, known...

Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel

Linda Sarsour to Convert to Judaism After Learning Women and Arabs Serve in Parliament, Supreme Court, and Just About Everywhere Else in Israel

Known for her advocacy on women’s rights, Linda Sarsour has become a major leader in the world of feminism, and not loving Jews as much as their mothers do. However, earlier this week, Ms. Sarsour announced her plan to convert to Judaism. Sarsour told The Mideast Beast that she started thinking about her decision during the Israeli election process. She originally began following the elections on television in order to find criticism of the Jewish State, and also because it...

Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State

Trump to Annex Israel as 51st State

In a move the administration is calling “historic,” the Trump administration announced this morning that the United States of America intends on admitting the State of Israel into the Union by May of 2020 as the official the 51st State. “We already give them huge amounts of money each year” Trump said in a tweet following the announcement. “And everyone knows how much I love prime beach front real estate. This is going to be a great, great deal.” The...

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

ISIS Distraught They Didn’t Make the Cut For Vogue Magazine

Islamic State is “distraught” that none of their members were represented in the UK Vogue Magazine special edition, guest edited by the former American actress and current member of the British Royal Family, Meghan Markle. “We understand just how inspiring these pop culture magazines are, and with a guest celebrity editor like Meghan being involved, we thought we just had to get in on the action”, one ISIS member commented. “At first we put forward many of our fiercest jihadi...

Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias

Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias

Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders.  Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the word ‘Sportsmanship’ due to its clear gender bias. The derogatory word will be erased from all official texts, including school textbooks, and will be replaced...

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...

Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism

Ayanna Pressley Booted from ‘The Squad’ Over Insufficient Anti-Semitism

Blasting their colleague for her lack of disdain for American Jews, three progressive congresswomen have kicked Democrat Ayanna Pressley out of their “squad.” “Frankly, when it comes to pushing bizarre conspiracy theories against the Jews or being indignantly dismissive of Jewish concerns, Pressley has not been pulling her weight,” Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said in a press conference. “While Rashida (Tlaib) and I have been busting our tails to bash the Jews every week, Pressley can’t even consistently defend those of...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation and exchange ideas,” he commented. “Due to Facebook’s high level of dialogue, thoughtful user community, and of course mutual respect...

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Some of the most ardent fighters of the Islamic State faced disappointment last week on realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was really cool”, one disappointed member of what’s left of the Caliphate said. “We heard that there was this anti-American band of politicians, hell-bent on destroying the United States from the inside in a blaze...

Nazi Germany Proof Anti-Semitism Isn’t a Big Deal, Tlaib Says

Nazi Germany Proof Anti-Semitism Isn’t a Big Deal, Tlaib Says

Pointing to the example of Nazi Germany in defense of controversial pro-BDS legislation, Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib said that the rise of the Adolf Hitler proved that a little bit of anti-Semitism really isn’t that big a deal. “Some are calling this legislation anti-Semitic because it says that people should refuse to do business with Israeli Jews, but you know what?” she said during a speech on the House floor. “People have said a lot of things were anti-Semitic. Like when the...

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

In yet another blow to the Jewish People, UNESCO has declared Katz’s Delicatessen, a well-known Jewish, kosher-style establishment, a Palestinian world heritage site. “Al-Delicatessen al-Katz is as integral to Islamic history as Mecca, Medina and South Florida,” the resolution states. “Unfortunately, this landmark is threatened by the Zionist De Blasio occupation regime.” The resolution is the latest in a series of moves that some say are aimed at undermining Jewish connection to historical sites by UNESCO. It follows a decision...

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male swimsuit, framing the so-called ‘budgie smuggler scourge’ as a public safety crisis: “These obscene bathers are in fact evil terrorists...

BDS Expands After Learning Rest of Middle East Also Treats Palestinians Like Shit

BDS Expands After Learning Rest of Middle East Also Treats Palestinians Like Shit

Supporters of the Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions (BDS) campaign announced that they are widening the scope of their movement after learning that Palestinians are treated like shit across the Middle East and the rest of the world. “When we were told we had to boycott Israel, we thought that it was because of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza,” one recent convert to the BDS movement explained. “Then we read all about [Syrian President Bashar] Assad’s slaughter of Palestinians...

Palestine to Change Name to ‘Donaldstine’ in Bid for Trump’s Support

Palestine to Change Name to ‘Donaldstine’ in Bid for Trump’s Support

In response to the dedication of a new Israeli town called Trump Heights and other efforts aimed at flattering US President Donald Trump, Palestinian leaders will declare their territory the “State of Donaldstine.” The move represents a dramatic reversal for the Palestinian Authority, which had resisted peace negotiations led by the Trump Administration and accused the US of favoring Israeli demands. But after seeing Trump’s response to Israel’s attempts at flattery, the Palestinians have decided to try a similar approach. “For years...