Politics

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven
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Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! US Jews Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel...

Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt
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Amnesty Blasts Israel for ‘War Crimes’; Israel’s Feelings Hurt

Following totally expected statements from Amnesty International blasting Israel for ‘war crimes’ – and accusing the 73-year old Zionist badass of ‘callous indifference’ regarding targets in pretty much all wars with Gaza – The Mideast Beast caught up with the Zionist pinup for an exclusive chat. “Look, I can accept that Amnesty thinks I may have been a bit heavy-handed...

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Amid Tensions, Biden Sends Harris to Middle East to Solve Sunni-Shia Conflict

Looking to ease tensions with his VP, President Joe Biden announced that he will be sending Vice President Kamala Harris to the Middle East on a very important mission to bring together the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam. The assignment comes amid reports of frustration from the Harris team over the VP’s role in the administration. Biden hopes the...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Nominate Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024
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Looking for More Youthful Candidate, Democrats to Run Jimmy Carter in 2024

In an acknowledgement that President Biden has appeared too old for the job as president and that a livelier candidate is needed to keep the White House, the Democratic National Committee announced that 97-year-old former president Jimmy Carter will be the party’s nominee in 2024. The decision came as Biden’s approval rating continues to fall, leading Democratic leaders to ponder...

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

Supply Chain Shortage Forces Taliban to Buy Gross Adult Wives

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN – Supply chain issues, which have been taking a toll in countries around the world due to economic woes, worker shortages, and shipping delays, have now hit the wife market in Afghanistan. The shortage is getting so bad, that some Taliban men are even settling for grown, adult women. It’s especially difficult for those men who only have...

Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’
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Disappointed ISIS Members Withdraw Request to Join ‘The Squad’

Some of the most ardent fighters of what’s left of Islamic State recently faced disappointment after realizing that ‘The Squad’ was not at all what they thought it was. They have since withdrawn their request to join. “For a moment, we thought that this so-called ‘Squad’ was pretty cool”, one disappointed IS member noted, while sitting somberly on the last remaining...

Israel Found Guilty
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Israel Found Guilty

The international community issued firm condemnation of Israel’s recent actions earlier today. An emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council was convened in order to issue a number of resolutions against the Jewish State. Member states accused Israel of being “inhumane,” and acting with “utter disregard for human life and wellbeing.” Israel has responded to these claims by saying...

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Baghdadi Still Lonely in Hell as BFF Erdogan Remains Alive

Former ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is reportedly distraught after learning that Turkish leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan, rumored to be either dead or on death’s doorstep, is in fact alive and unlikely to join the jihadist in Hell for years to come. Baghdadi admitted to feeling lonely and unable to make friends in the underworld and said he had been...

Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’
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Virginia Schools to Begin Teaching ‘Critical Trump Theory’

With Republican businessman Glenn Youngkin’s victory in the state’s gubernatorial election Tuesday night, Virginia schools have been ordered to begin teaching students “Critical Trump Theory,” a controversial doctrine that views all events through the lens of how unfair they are to former President Donald Trump. Minutes after he was declared the winner, Youngkin ordered school boards across the state to...

Why I Am Bummed by Kim Jong-un’s Weight Loss

Why I Am Bummed by Kim Jong-un’s Weight Loss

When North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un returned to the public eye last month a slimmer version of himself, the accolades came pouring in. But while fans across Twitter were celebrating his slimmer body, I found myself feeling betrayed. When we think of a strong, powerful, decisive leader, one who will not hesitate to sentence not only his political opponents...

Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It
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Sally Rooney Doubles Price of Book So Jews Don’t Buy It

In another move aimed at supporting the anti-Israel BDS movement, Irish author Sally Rooney announced that she will double the price of her new novel to prevent Jews, notoriously stingy, from buying the book. Determined to ensure her book is not read by any Israelis or Zionists, Rooney already refused to allow her book to be translated into Hebrew. But...

California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort

California Inspiration! Taliban Opponents Launch Recall Effort

Motivated by California Republicans’ failed effort to recall Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom, Afghans opposed to Taliban rule have launched their own recall petition to throw the Islamist group out of office. The petition already has more than 30 million signatures, including every woman in the country. While Taliban rule has been met with opposition since the militant group took over...

White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

White Girl Totally “Gets” Middle Eastern Culture After Trip to Dubai

“The Israel-Palestinian conflict really has no simple solution. Like, the West Bank kinda belongs to both Jews and Muslims,” Stacey Roberts of Burlington, Minnesota tells her Syrian hairstylist. And Stacey knows all about the Middle East – she just got back from Dubai. In July, Stacey and her BFF, Stacy, decided to visit Dubai after seeing it on “Keeping Up...

Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic
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Israel Allows Muslim Public Prayer Gatherings During Pandemic

Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett announced yesterday that Israel will reform Covid-19 social distancing orders to allow Muslims to gather in crowded places and pray together. “This reform is the first of its kind in the world” Bennett said in a video posted to his Facebook Page. “This move shows once and for all how Israel is a democracy that...

Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards
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Israel Regrets Hiring Jeffrey Epstein’s Prison Guards

The Israel Prison Service is facing tough questions over its decision to hire the guards tasked with monitoring Jeffrey Epstein to protect six Palestinian prisoners. The guards, Tova Noel and Michael Thomas, had been assigned to protect Epstein when the financier and convicted sex offender was found dead in his cell in August 2019. Speaking on the condition of anonymity,...