Politics

It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says
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It’s Finally Safe to Eat Bats Again, WHO Says

With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...

Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure
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Republicans Support Infra Bill After Learning that ‘Bombing Middle East’ Considered Infrastructure

President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...

UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus
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UN Accuses Israel of Committing Genocide Against Coronavirus

With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...

In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners
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In Major Liberalization, Saudi Arabia to Allow Women to be Executioners

In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...

After Comments by Atlanta PD, US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”
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After Comments by Atlanta PD, US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”

In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. “The people of Georgia delivered...

ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports
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ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports

Members of the Islamic State used insensitive terminology during a recent Zoom call, New York Times technology reporter Taylor Lorenz revealed after obtaining a fake identity and accessing the virtual meeting. Lorenz reported that ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi used the “b-slur” – a reference to people with visual impairments – when stating that the West is “completely blind to...

Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow goop BDSM Kit
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Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow goop BDSM Kit

In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...

United Arab List Leader Agrees to Support Netanyahu If He Admits Falafel Not an ‘Israeli’ Food
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United Arab List Leader Agrees to Support Netanyahu If He Admits Falafel Not an ‘Israeli’ Food

Mansour Abbas, the leader of the United Arab List, an Islamist, and now a potential kingmaker in the coalition-building process, has agreed to support Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu under one condition: Netanyahu must publicly acknowledge that neither falafel or hummus are ‘Israeli’ foods. Abbas says he will support whichever candidate is willing to stand in front of the Knesset...

Year After Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister
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Year After Nuclear-Smallpox-Mustard Gas Asteroid Hits Earth, Netanyahu Still Prime Minister

*Updated 24 March 2021   Following last year’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu remains Israel’s Prime Minister. According to...

Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming

Evangelicals Impatient That Israel Still Hasn’t Brought About the Second Coming

America’s Evangelical Christian Zionists are growing impatient that the prophecy foretelling the mass conversion of the Jews in Israel and the Second Coming of Christ is yet to be fulfilled. “Our support for Israel is unshakeable,” one Christian Zionist from Dallas told The Mideast Beast, “but if those Israelis don’t see the light of Jesus and convert to Christianity en...

Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School
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Tucker Carlson: Wuhan Lab Bullied Me in High School

Fox commentator Tucker Carlson has once again doubled down on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19,...

Biden Pulls Troops from Middle East to Deploy at Tucker Carlson’s House
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Biden Pulls Troops from Middle East to Deploy at Tucker Carlson’s House

In the most dramatic shift in military strategy since 9/11, President Joe Biden has withdrawn all combat forces from the Middle East and stationed them outside the home of controversial Fox News host Tucker Carlson. The redeployment marks an escalation between Biden’s regime and Carlson following remarks by the conservative host about women serving in the military. Secretary of Defense...