Politics

Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G
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Scientists Baffled by Coronavirus Cases in Countries without 5G

In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...

Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”
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Arab League: “There’s no ‘We’ in Uighur”

After weeks of replacing the 2020 Olympic gymnastics with the mental gymnastics of calling Israelis ‘genocidal’ while ignoring a very real genocide of Muslims in China, the Arab League released a statement in favor of their current relationship with China, stating: “Contrary to popular belief there is no ‘We’ in Uighur.” In their much-anticipated statement, the Arab League made it...

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
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“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...

Kanye Named Shas Leader After $1 Million Per Child Proposal

Kanye Named Shas Leader After $1 Million Per Child Proposal

In a shocking move, the Israeli political-religious party Shas has chosen rapper Kanye West as its candidate for prime minister after the celebrity proposed giving $1 million per child to new mothers. The plan, announced Sunday, has led West’s popularity to skyrocket in Israel’s Haredi, or ultra-orthodox, communities, where the average birth rate is nearly seven children per Haredi woman....

Iranians Disappointed That ‘Death to America’ Ended up Being so Anticlimactic
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Iranians Disappointed That ‘Death to America’ Ended up Being so Anticlimactic

Iranians are reporting feelings of despondency this week after decades of ‘Death to America’ chants are manifesting in American citizens’ phenomenally stupid COVID responses. The country, best known for its exports of rugs, caviar, the odd terror attack, and anti-Americanism, is now experiencing a general malaise, as although America is finally on the brink of death, it’s far less dramatic...

Head of Israeli Air Force Denies Purchase of U.S. Tanker Planes Has Anything to Do With Iran, Says It’s for a Road Trip
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Head of Israeli Air Force Denies Purchase of U.S. Tanker Planes Has Anything to Do With Iran, Says It’s for a Road Trip

The Israeli Air Force (IAF) has reportedly asked the US to purchase KC -46 Pegasus tankers earlier than originally planned. The request is raising eyebrows that the aerial refueling capability might be for an attack on Iran. Although at a press conference, Commander of the Israeli Air Force, General Amikam Norkum, said that was not the case. “The Tankers are...

Progressives Demand China Paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on Street
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Progressives Demand China Paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on Street

With images emerging of Uyghurs being forced into train cars and legal experts now calling China’s treatment of the ethnic minority a genocide, US progressive leaders have demanded Chinese President Chinese President Xi Jinping paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on a prominent roadway. “The forced sterilization and re-education of the Uyghur is a crime against humanity, and it must be met...

Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans
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Hamas Changes Name to Gaza Redskins to Appeal to Republicans

In an unusual move, the Palestinian organization Hamas – currently designated as a terrorist organization by the US Administration – decided to change their official name to the Gaza Redskins in order to appeal more to the American Conservative/Republican audience. The move came after the Washington Redskins decided to drop their name after mounting political pressure. “We want to let...

DeSean Jackson’s Anti-Semitic Tweets Earn Him Honorary Degree from Trump University
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DeSean Jackson’s Anti-Semitic Tweets Earn Him Honorary Degree from Trump University

NFL wide receiver DeSean Jackson tweeted a series of blatantly anti-Semitic remarks last week garnering condemnation across the political spectrum, except from the President of the United States who immediately granted Jackson with an honorary degree from his defunct university. Honorary degrees are often granted to celebrities who display the values that a university wishes to pass onto its students,...

CDC Warns Sense of Self-Awareness Short-Lived During Pandemic

CDC Warns Sense of Self-Awareness Short-Lived During Pandemic

In spite of many optimists’ predictions that we will all come out of the pandemic permanently wiser and more cognizant of our actions, scientists working with the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control warn that such an immunity may be short-lived.  In some cases, they said, the sense of self-awareness lasted only minutes. Take one Rhonda Collingsford...

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

Report: Al Qaeda No Longer Hates America for its Freedom

President Donald J. Trump has won the War on Terror, as al Qaeda announced late Friday that it no longer hates Americans for their freedoms. “When we attacked you on September 11, we did so because we resented your strong democracy, your freedom of speech and freedom of press, and your freedom to disagree with each other in a civilized...

Iraqi Government to Send in Forces to Liberate America

Iraqi Government to Send in Forces to Liberate America

Stemming from civil unrest, riots, indiscriminate police brutality against human throats, and an unclear hostility towards face masks, the United States has been chosen by Iraq as their next reform target because clearly, they can’t govern themselves. After receiving their own democratic makeover from the altruistic Bush administration, the Iraqi government realized it’s only right for them to repay the...

White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself
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White House: America’s New Counter-Terrorism Plan is To Destroy Itself

While It seems like the United States is handling the coronavirus pandemic about as well as a Parkinson’s patient in a minefield, a Pentagon source says that this might be more intentional than the public was originally led to believe. According to a source at the Pentagon, it’s part of America’s new cutting-edge counter-terrorism policy: The terrorists can’t destroy America...

The Hagia Sophia to Reopen as a Disney World
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The Hagia Sophia to Reopen as a Disney World

This week the CEO of the only globalist organization Trump hasn’t pulled out of, Disney World, reopened its parks during a surge of infections. Similarly controversially, Turkish President Erdogan decided to revert the Hagia Sophia into a mosque because, as it turns out, a pandemic is boring without a backdrop of sectarian violence. However, both leaders quickly realized that these...

Hundreds of Saudi Writers Sign Letter Decrying ‘Behead Culture’
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Hundreds of Saudi Writers Sign Letter Decrying ‘Behead Culture’

In an effort to push back against an increasing intolerance towards political dissent in their country, more than 150 Saudi writers and intellectuals have signed an open letter denouncing “behead culture.” The letter comes amidst a growing number of cases in which Saudis were beheaded for seemingly mundane offenses, such as mildly criticizing Sharia Law or citing evidence that mass...

Erdogan to Turn Istanbul Airport into a Mosque
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Erdogan to Turn Istanbul Airport into a Mosque

After successfully turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque, Turkish President and Middle Eastern Gollum look-alike, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, announced he now plans to convert the recently opened Istanbul Airport into a Muslim house of worship. Erdogan proposed handing the airport over to the Religious Affairs Directorate, which would close the $12 billion hub to air traffic and instead create a...

Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose
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Saudi Arabia Celebrates Pride Month by Hanging Gays with Rainbow Noose

Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a...

Netanyahu: 100% of Security Chiefs I’ve Hired to Replace Current Security Chiefs Support Annexation

Netanyahu: 100% of Security Chiefs I’ve Hired to Replace Current Security Chiefs Support Annexation

Many people have questioned Prime Minister Netanyahu’s claims that the Israeli security community supports his annexation plan, mainly due to the fact that several security experts say they don’t. After weeks of back and forth, these differing viewpoints led Netanyahu to finally admit that, yes 100% of security chiefs support him, he just hasn’t hired them yet. “It’s only a...

Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’
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Redskins to Change Name to ‘Washington Towelheads’

After years of protest from white people offended by the name “Redskins,” the Washington D.C. football franchise announced that it will change its name and begin the 2020 season as the “Washington Towelheads.” “Given the D.C. Metro area’s growing Arab population, we wanted to honor this new potential fanbase,” team owner Daniel Snyder said. “I Googled ‘nicknames for Arabs,’ and...