Politics

Taliban Looks to Hire Pelosi to Lead Peace Talks with US

Taliban Looks to Hire Pelosi to Lead Peace Talks with US

After watching US President Donald Trump cave in his demand for a border wall to re-open the US government, the Taliban are desperately trying to recruit House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to lead upcoming peace talks. The Afghani terror group has reportedly offered to make Pelosi the first female Caliph and award her a 50% cut of Afghanistan’s opium revenues if she agrees to sit across from Trump during the peace talks. “This woman made the leader of the infidels accept...

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ISIS Cell Discovered in R. Kelly’s Basement

ATLANTA — Authorities in Atlanta have uncovered the largest ISIS sleeper cell ever found on US soil, with the terror outpost found in R&B star Robert “R.” Kelly’s basement. Detectives say R. Kelly had been using his uplifting lyrics and seductive voice to draw in and brainwash recruits, even recording reworked classics such as “Trapped in the Caliph’s Closet”, “Behead and Grind” and “I Believe I Can Fly…..This Hijacked Plane.” He would meet aspiring artists at his concerts, and recruit them...

Mainline Church to Go Medieval in Peacemaking Activism

Mainline Church to Go Medieval in Peacemaking Activism

In an effort to improve relations between Christians and Jews in the United States, the leaders of the liberal Protestant Disciples of the United Christian Church, have negotiated with the Jewish Public Relations Commission (JPRC) to establish a new way for them to vent their anger at Israel. Instead of one-sided resolutions about the Arab-Israeli conflict at its General Synod, attendees will now engage in a ritual stoning of a Jew prior the synod’s closing worship ceremony. “Fortunately, the history...

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

ISIS Announces Terrorist Plot to Wear Red Hats, Smirk

In an attack they say will shake the nation to its core, the Islamic State promised to infiltrate the US wearing red hats and stand in public venues while smirking. The plan was revealed after Covington Catholic High School student Nick Sandmann’s appearance in a “Make America Great Again” hat at a March for Life rally in Washington DC led to widespread pandemonium and acrimony across the country. “For years, we’ve worked tirelessly to execute the perfect attack that will kill...

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11

After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname

Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Shlomo addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds more like the name of a real leader and that’s a fucking snack food! And don’t get me started on...

UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire

UN to End All Conflict in Middle East by Bringing Back Ottoman Empire

NEW YORK — The United Nations has finally figured out a way to bring peace to the Middle East, by voting to bring back the Ottoman Empire. “Forget a two-state solution for Israel and Palestine, now we have a one-state solution, and it’s ruled by Turks. It’s perfect!” commented UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres. “No more wars between Israel, and well, everybody; no more Assad gassing his own citizens; no more Erdogan. Now all we have is rule by a...

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Under cover of a moonless night in early April of last year, in the Gulf of Aden, Israeli commando units seized the Gaza-bound cargo ship Al-Aarnab. Beneath the usual humanitarian cargo (Viagra pills, e-cigarettes, Bud Light) the troops uncovered the even more usual rockets and weaponry. But in a hidden container deep inside the ship, they uncovered a secret payload: hundreds of the cutest puppies and fluffiest bunnies developed in secret military facilities in Iran. An Israeli intelligence analyst explained...

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo

Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President  “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

Hamas Distances Itself from Women’s March Over Anti-Semitism Concerns

The Palestinian militant movement Hamas is the latest group to disavow its support for the Women’s March over concerns of anti-Semitism, declining to take part in this weekend’s protests. The decision came after Tamika Mallory refused to condemn remarks by Louis Farrakhan comparing Jews to Satan. “We hate Jews too, but we still think there is such thing as going overboard,” Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh told The Mideast Beast. “Just because they both have horns, it doesn’t make the Jews...

Is This Crap Still Going On?”, Ask Saudis over Khashoggi Murder Probe

Is This Crap Still Going On?”, Ask Saudis over Khashoggi Murder Probe

Following Amnesty International’s reiterated calls for an international murder investigation into the death of Saudi-American Washington Post journalist Jamal Khasoggi, Saudi officials have expressed exasperation and surprise that the scandal continues to make headlines. “Honestly, is this shit really still going on?”, one Saudi government official demanded to know. “Obviously, it had nothing to do with us. But, even if we did do the whole bone-saw thing – totally hypothetical of course – just what does everyone expect from us?...

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity

Islamic State fighters announced plans to lay down their arms Tuesday after an ad by the shaving product brand Gillette convinced them their efforts to re-establish the Caliphate were the result of toxic masculinity. “I never thought twice about decapitating human rights workers, blowing up Shiite mosques or keeping young Yazidi girls as sex slaves, because I was always told that was just the way guys were supposed to act,” said former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who since quitting jihad has...

U.S. Government Shutdown Affecting Life of Federal Employee Mohammad Salman

U.S. Government Shutdown Affecting Life of Federal Employee Mohammad Salman

RIYADH—The shutdown, entering its third week, has come down hard on all Federal employees, and  Saudi-born Federal employee Mohammad Salman is no exception. “This has been hard on my whole family, actually, especially my father His Majesty Salman bin Abdulaziz bin Abdul Rahman bin Faisal bin Turki bin Abdullah bin Mohammed bin Saud,” Salman commented sadly. “As a federal employee who relies heavily on the United States Government for his way of life, this is a let-down. All I usually...

Next Presidential Address Scheduled for Cave in Tora Bora

Next Presidential Address Scheduled for Cave in Tora Bora

White House officials have confirmed that further Presidential addresses to the nation will be held from a remote cave complex deep in the Afghan mountains. Press Secretary Sarah Sanders commented, “As the President has mentioned several times on Twitter over the last days he is pretty much the only one left in the White House. Really at this point it’s just him, Stephen Miller, and a short order chef. And he’s found the isolation invigorating`. But he knows he can...

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Assad Shocked to Learn Putin has Other Assets

Claiming that the Russian strongman had promised an exclusive relationship, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is reportedly heartbroken to learn that Vladimir Putin has another asset. “I thought that what Vladimir and I had was special, and that carpet-bombing my enemies to oblivion was his way of saying, ‘I love you,’” a teary-eyed Assad told The Mideast Beast after seeing reports that US President Donald Trump is also a Russian asset. “I guess he just goes around dropping his bombs in...

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World Sympathy

Hamas has grown frustrated in recent months over its inability to convince the world it is indeed a terrorist organization. “The Hamas brand just isn’t sexy anymore,” explained a Hamas member wearing a ‘I Heart Terror’ t-shirt. “You look at other world terror leaders, and all of them are unilaterally recognized as evil, terrible, organizations. In the name of Allah, what do we have to do to get that kind of respect?” Hamas is increasingly growing jealous of younger, hipper,...

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syria Furious Africans Receive Coveted Last Place in ‘World Happiness Report’

Syrians have reacted angrily to a World Happiness Report that places them as only the fourth saddest place in the world, trailing Tanzania, Burundi and the Central African Republic. A spokesman for the Syrian government commented, “Tanzania has the Serengeti for fuck’s sake. How can you be sad when you’ve got lions to look at? I think we had some lions in the Damascus zoo, but we ate them. Doesn’t get sadder than that.” The disbelief is shared on all sides...

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria Just a Tad Uncomfortable with Americans Still ‘Hanging Around’

Syria has confessed that it is finding it a bit creepy that America hasn’t followed through with its intention to head home following what was supposed to be a long weekend stay but has gone on just a little bit too long for comfort. “Don’t get us wrong, it’s been great having them here. They make a lot less mess than the Turks. But once we heard that they had beaten ISIS, great news by the way, and we don’t...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...