Politics

Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges

Netanyahu Demands That Robert Mueller Be Appointed to Investigate Corruption Charges

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has announced that he would like Special Counsel investigator Robert Mueller to lead a special prosecution case into the various corruption charges currently being levelled against him. The Israeli premier, who is set to face indictment on corruption charges dependent on a pre-trial hearing, made the announcement almost immediately after Mueller’s report concluded that US President Donald Trump did not collude with Russia during the 2016 election as had previously been alleged. Official spokesmen from...

Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’

Gaza Reporters Finally Catch Up on ‘Game of Thrones’

With nothing newsworthy taking place in the Gaza Strip in recent weeks, reporters covering the territory have finally had the chance to binge hit HBO show “Game of Thrones.” After months of constantly reporting on every Israeli action in Gaza, reporters said they were pleasantly surprised to find that the latest series of protests were not against Israel at all. “Honestly, when I heard that a Palestinian writer had his fingers smashed and that civilians were being beaten on the...

Trump as ‘ Savior’ Makes Jews Slightly Concerned About Pompeo’s Mental Health

Trump as ‘ Savior’ Makes Jews Slightly Concerned About Pompeo’s Mental Health

Jews worldwide have expressed concern that US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo maybe having some sort of mental health crisis, following his comments that President Trump has been sent to “save” them. Andrew Stahlman, a fully sane Jew from Tel Aviv, commented, “Don’t get us wrong, we never want to turn down help from our American friends. However, are you absolutely sure ‘that’ guy is our savior? To be honest we were expecting someone who had broken fewer of the...

Erdogan Blames Receding Hairline on the Jews

Erdogan Blames Receding Hairline on the Jews

In the wake of the free-fall of the Turkish Lira which prompted the administration to blame Israel for the economic collapse, Erdogan himself has indulged in a conspiracy theory in which he has blamed the Jews for his receding hairline. “Many say that the biggest catastrophe facing our nation is the collapse of our currency, but that is a mistake. The real tragedy is that many of my citizens find the fact that I am becoming increasingly bald quite funny,...

Terrorists Tired of Jeremy Corbyn Constantly Wanting to Hang Out

Terrorists Tired of Jeremy Corbyn Constantly Wanting to Hang Out

With every day bringing new revelations of UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn honoring violent jihadists, terrorists from a range of Islamist groups admitted that they are tired of hanging out with the British opposition leader. “At first it wasn’t so bad. He’d snap a picture, we’d talk about killing Jews, and then he’d be on his way,” one leader of a Gaza-based Islamist group told The Mideast Beast. “But he just kept wanting to hang out more and more. One...

Erdogan Finally Faces Backlash After Calling Steve Irwin a Bitch

Erdogan Finally Faces Backlash After Calling Steve Irwin a Bitch

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan may have finally gone too far in his feud with Australia, as the president now faces an uprising after calling the late Australian conservationist Steve Irwin a “little bitch.” Erdogan’s comments marked the climax of a series of threats aimed at Australia’s citizens since a terror attack last week by an Australian white supremacist killed 50 Muslim worshippers in New Zealand. Erdogan threatened to send Australian tourists home in body bags and referenced World War I’s...

18 Million Syrians LOL at Steve King’s Meme Game

18 Million Syrians LOL at Steve King’s Meme Game

The post-war population of Syria has been forced to give props for Republican Representative Steve King, as he again demonstrates his totally on-point meme game. One commented, “Whatever side of the issue you’re on, and we know all about sides here, comedy gold has no sect or creed. Kudos, Mr. King. You. Are. Hilarious.” Another war-ravaged survivor said, “Some people will try to pick holes, pointing out that it’s not the ‘bullets’ but the artillery and the gas that you...

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...

Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition

Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition

JERUSALEM – At a surprise press conference today, the Israeli Prime Minister stood at the podium, with the visage of a pointy-headed ghoul standing adjacent to him.  But luckily for Bibi, this time the looming presence behind him wasn’t the Israeli attorney general carrying a bag full of indictments.  Instead, it was none other than Rita Repulsa, would-be conqueror of Angel Grove, sharing the stage with the Prime Minister.  And as the villainous, criminal, aspiring iron-fisted ruler prepared to speak...

Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency

Old-Fart Algerian Leader Forgoes Re-election Bid to Run for US Presidency

Calling the US the only country where an elderly man on death’s doorstep can still run for the nation’s highest office, 82-year-old Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika announced that he will look to challenge Donald Trump in the 2020 Presidential election.  His announcement comes after Bouteflika was forced to withdraw from Algeria’s upcoming presidential election, in which he had planned to seek a fifth term, after protests broke out across the country. But Bouteflika, who has rarely given speeches and has...

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence Invites Irish PM’s Boyfriend to Roof

Vice President Pence has invited Dr. Matthew Barrett, partner of Irish Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar to the roof of his official residence, the Naval Observatory. Mr. Pence extended the invitation following an awkward Friends of Ireland breakfast, at which neither Dr. Barrett or Mr. Varadkar were struck down by lightning. One attendee commented, “The Vice President kept on looking upwards during the event, and at one point when he caught the two of them briefly holding hands, he did seem...

ISIS Elites Bribe Their Children into Top Brainwashing Programs

ISIS Elites Bribe Their Children into Top Brainwashing Programs

ISIS’s most elite education institutions have become increasingly competitive. The schools expect students to reach at least 2,400 conversions, pray five times daily and talk about a time a service trip changed their lives. However, a recent report from the Caliphate has revealed that some of ISIS’s most prominent Jihadis have been bribing their children into its top higher brainwashing programs. These programs are supposed to be a great societal equalizer, with men from all walks of society leaving the...

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Jared Kushner Takes Extended Tour of Middle East

Presidential aide, Jared Kushner, has made a surprise decision to undertake an extended tour of the Middle East. A spokesman for the President’s son-in-law commented, “I think we can all agree that peace in the region is just moments away. However, Mr. Kushner felt there were still some areas which he hadn’t had the chance to experience. Yemen for example. Have you experienced Yemen in the spring? It’s surprisingly delightful. And does anyone else think that Gaza is shockingly unappreciated...

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Marie Kondo Named SECDEF, Pulls Out of Middle East

Saying that the nation’s involvement in the region does “not spark joy,” newly-named Defense Secretary Marie Kondo announced she will withdraw all US troops and diplomats from the Middle East. President Trump’s surprise pick to replace Jim Mattis, Kondo took only 15 seconds to ditch the country’s entire web of alliances and longstanding hostilities and abandon any relations with the Middle East or the rest of the Muslim world. “The secretary examined the country’s troop presence in Afghanistan and Syria,...

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn Announces His 2020 Presidential Bid for the Democratic Party

Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK’s Labour Party, has announced that he intends to campaign to be the US Democratic presidential candidate for 2020. “Obviously, my initial instinct was very much that I would never run to be president of imperialist America, but then when I saw how close Bernie Sanders and his democratic socialism got to winning for 2016 I started to rethink things. But only now do I realize that I really can find a political home...

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

Israelis and Palestinians support No Deal Brexit

In a surprise intervention into the Brexit debate ahead of Britain’s expected departure from the European Union, senior Israeli and Palestinian officials have come out in support of a No Deal scenario. “Everyone talks about how a No Deal is such a terrible idea, but not having a recognized treaty or agreement is really not all that bad”, said one Israeli official. “We haven’t had a deal with the Palestinians or most of our neighbors in the Middle East since,...

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

Assyrians Massacred After Pelosi Leaves Them Out of Anti-Hate Resolution

In one of the Middle East’s worst genocides in a generation, tens of thousands of Assyrians were killed after US Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi forgot to include them in a resolution condemning hate. The resolution, originally proposed to focus on anti-Semitism after a string of controversial comments by Congresswoman Ilhan Omar, was ultimately turned into a comprehensive list condemning all possible bigotries. But while denouncing hate against Jews, Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, Swedes, the LGBTQ community, dentists, Klingons, snow...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments, and corporations that Israel is worth thinking about in their spare time. Though with the attempt at boycotting Matisyahu (a...

Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War

Israel and Hamas Begin Roundtable Discussions to Plan This Summer’s War

As springtime is approaching, and in accordance with regulations that a war between Israel and Gaza occur once every two years in the summertime, Israeli and Hamas authorities have begun talks this week to plan the initial stages of the conflict. According to transcripts obtained from closed door meetings, Hamas suggested that they unveil a new 200 km range missile in this round of fighting in order to “spice up” the “breakout stage” and really “blow away” international crowds. However, Israeli...

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast. “I won’t lie, I got really great experience working in post-production, so I can’t...