Politics

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

American Film Industry Honors North Korean Dictator After Series of Threats

Following the latest anonymous security threat, American movie studios have agreed to air a brief tribute to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un before all screenings of major motion pictures. “In the interest of the safety and welfare of our moviegoers, all films will now begin with a quick video praising Mr. Kim and his enlightened rule,” said a spokesman...

Hamas to EU: Put us Back on Terrorism Blacklist Immediately
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Hamas to EU: Put us Back on Terrorism Blacklist Immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Iranian Nuclear Talks Stall Over Demand that Americans Convert to Islam

Negotiations between the US and Iran have stalled over Iran’s demand that America forcibly convert each of its 316 million citizens to Shia Islam. “We’ve been making tremendous progress but Ayatollah Khamenei’s insistence that we adopt strict Sharia Law, while understandable, has been a sticking point,” John Kerry admitted. “I believe, however, that if Allah wills it a deal can...

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters,...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace
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Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri
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United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?
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Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”
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UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Hebron, Texas has changed its name to ‘Palestine’ following pressure from an international campaign to boycott the town and steal the hubcaps off its residents’ Ford pickup trucks. Sammy Sarraf, a spokesperson for the Free Palestine Boycott, Divestment and Sanction Movement (BDS), told The Israeli Daily that the decision of Hebron, located in Collin and Denton counties with a population of 415,...

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively...

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After the Republican rout on Tuesday, in which the GOP took over the Senate and increased their majority in the House of Representatives, Israeli officials were shocked and dismayed to learn that President Barack Obama will remain in office for another two years. “Prime Minister Netanyahu called the White House to congratulate Mitch McConnell on his election to the highest...

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making
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Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a...

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu
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Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look at her! She’s so talented! You can’t...

Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”
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Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”

The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of...

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution
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US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care?   As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told...

Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS
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Evangelical Christian tourists radicalized by ISIS

Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers...

Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah
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Report: Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant with the Messiah

Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about...