The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A...
Israel phoned Sweden to express his hurt that the Nordic hunk had recognized its errant neighbor Palestine. The Zionist homeland commented, “well at first when I heard the news I was like, whoa dude, not cool! What have I ever done to piss off the Scandinavians? Just at my birthday in May I was belting out the Abba hits on...
In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks, leaders from around the world have come together in a rare act of unity to send a message to terrorists around the world: Terrorism, in any shape or form, will simply not be tolerated when perpetrated against White, Christian, Westerners. “These last several weeks have been eye opening,” Secretary State John Kerry said...
Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first...
After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December. “For me, it all comes down to tenacity....
Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told...
Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to...
Close to a million emirs, sheikhs, princes, sultans and other assorted royals walked arm in arm through Qatar’s capital city of Doha in an unprecedented display to pay tribute to the victims of the dramatic drop in oil prices. Prince Karam Abu Kassab, Qatar’s Assistant Minister of Transport, reflected the anguish felt by many protesters: “I had to let two...
The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched...
Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that...
In a rare instance of fraternity, this week the Autobots and the Decepticons issued a joint statement expressing joy at the decision by the oil titan, OPEC, not to reduce production in order to raise oil prices. The two groups are normally known to be bitter rivals, but decided to issue the statement as a unified group due to its...
In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with...
Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support...
In ongoing Israeli election ‘merger fever’, a new poll shows that the rumored Yair Lapid-Mila Kunnis-Cthulhu list dominating if the election were held today, taking an amazing 45 Parliamentary seats. “It is certainly an interesting shiduch, that means ‘matchmaking’ for our Goyim audience by the way, wrote Israeli Commentator Bud Insky.” “Cthulhu obviously brings prestige and a security pedigree in...
Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently...
Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier, the Editor of the French satirical newspaper, Charlie Hebdo once said, “Disarm them with humor”. He and his team at Charlie Hebdo lived by that motto as they fought against fanaticism and fought for pluralism for nearly 25 years until they were brutally murdered in their office in Paris. Once again, the world witnessed the losses and grief...
In what was a sad turn of events for Israel supporters around the world in 2014, comedienne Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81. “She was all we had. Literally that was it. She was really one of us. She spoke with lots of hand motions, insulting multiple people and ethnicities at once, and wasn’t necessarily right,” said...
Taking a break from setting up secret military camps in Middle America, the United Nations has confirmed that beginning in 2015 Italian will be the formal language for all Middle Eastern nations. Explaining the dictate, Jonathan Bourg, Head of World Domination, said, “We’ve been thinking a lot about why things over there just won’t calm the fuck down. Some say...
The news that Tzipi Livni, a former Mossad agent and recently fired Minister of Parliament during Netanyahu’s latest purge, will run for Israel’s top political post in March is causing world leaders some concern. With rumors that the Mossad has been listening in on the White House for decades, President Obama commented, “Clever little bastards! How the hell am I supposed...
Paraphrasing pop star Mariah Carey’s yuletide classic, the Islamist militant group ISIS sent this threatening message to America and its allies over the Holidays: “#Season’sGreetingfromISIStoUS #CommanderInThief All we want for Christmas…is you. Hope your holiday is full of surprises. pic.twitter.com/LMAO420q69” The tweet features several disturbing images of ISIS fighters preparing for their next engagement by inflating balloons, swearing at each other...
