Politics

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status
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Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with...

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”
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Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by...

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As...

Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”
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Syrian Cease-Fire: Less “Cease” More “Fire”

Syrian government officials have admitted that they are still grappling with the finer parts of the word ‘cease-fire’, apparently something that was supposed to go into effect.  A spokesman admitted, “It’s not that we don’t like the idea in principal. Who doesn’t want to have the time for a nice cup of mint tea without fear of a mortar shell...

ISIS Takes Responsibility for 2016
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ISIS Takes Responsibility for 2016

In a YouTube video, where ISIS members were holding up posters of the heads of recently deceased entertainment icons with their eyes gruesomely X’d out, a spokesperson shared that almost everything bad that happened in 2016 was at their command.  Stating, “It was hard keeping this to ourselves all year, but we wanted it to be a big New Year’s...

Flushing 2016 Away: The Year When Batshit Crazy Became Reality
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Flushing 2016 Away: The Year When Batshit Crazy Became Reality

From Trump telling Malala that “true heroes don’t get shot in the head” to the brave Muslim women calling for the criminalization of fat white dudes in Speedos, The Mideast Beast’s fearless reporters stopped at nothing to get you 2016’s biggest stories – no matter how unbelievable. Because as we say at TMB, all news is satirical – and if...

Russia Retaliates for US Sanctions by Building Settlements in West Bank

Russia Retaliates for US Sanctions by Building Settlements in West Bank

In a response that has dismayed the Obama Administration, Russia has retaliated against the latest round of U.S. sanctions by beginning construction of settlements in the West Bank and East Jerusalem. “No one can stop us from building homes for Russians in Judea and Samaria,” Russian President Vladimir Putin told The Mideast Beast, referring to the biblical names for the West Bank....

Israel Requests That Trump Just Chill the Hell Out

Israel Requests That Trump Just Chill the Hell Out

Middle East late comer and all round party nation, Israel, has responded cautiously to the latest tweets from the President-elect that they should “hold on” until 20 January. Approached by reporters as he relaxed poolside, Israel remarked “Is this that orange guy again? He seems really angry, like, all the time. Ok, another UN resolution against the Zionist hunk; I...

Obama Admin: “We Have Proof BDS Orchestrated Netanyahu’s Response to UN Resolution”

Obama Admin: “We Have Proof BDS Orchestrated Netanyahu’s Response to UN Resolution”

The US Ambassador to Israel released a startling press statement today: “We have evidence that the Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement (BDS) orchestrated Netanyahu’s response to the passing of the UNSC resolution”.  He explained that the administration was puzzled by Netanyahu’s insistence on turning Israel into a pariah state. “Once Netanyahu started calling for reduced ties with 12 states, including China...

Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN
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Total Middle East Peace Achieved after Settlement Resolution Passed in UN

Following the surprising passage of UNSC resolution 2334, stating that settlements in East Jerusalem and the West Bank are illegal and are a major obstacle to peace, all conflicts have ended and peace has immediately spread to all corners of the previously volatile region. “I had begun to think that we might be disproportionately targeting Israel in the UN, but...

Carter Insists ISIS “Legitimate Political Actor”
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Carter Insists ISIS “Legitimate Political Actor”

With Western governments weighing their response to the meteoric rise of ISIS, former US President Jimmy Carter insisted the self-proclaimed Caliphate be recognized as a “legitimate political actor” and treated as a partner for negotiations. “Now I might not agree with everything they do, but I think we should acknowledge that they took all that territory fair and square,” commented the...

Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator

Philippine President Named as Honorary Middle Eastern Dictator

Calling him a “role model for leaders throughout the Middle East,” the Arab League voted unanimously to award Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte an honorary position as a Middle Eastern dictator. “From his commitment to extrajudicial killings and disregard for human rights to his honorable homophobia, Mr. Duterte upholds the values of the Arab world’s leadership as well as any of...

Trump’s Real Reason for Delaying Israel Trip: “Too Many Muslims for My Taste”

Trump’s Real Reason for Delaying Israel Trip: “Too Many Muslims for My Taste”

Donald Trump has revealed that Israel’s “hellishly” large Muslim population and its leader’s “jihad appeasement” convinced him to nix his planned visit there, despite earlier tweeting that he was merely postponing the trip. “After doing my research, I realized just how many ISIS-worshipping Muslims the supposedly ‘Jewish State’ has,” Trump told FOX News. “20%! 20%! That’s like every U.S. Catholic actually...

Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?
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Netanyahu to Chinese President: Why Can’t Palestinians Be More like Tibetans?

Wikileaks has released a transcript of a controversial phone call in which the leaders of China and Israel discuss their respective policies in Tibet and the Palestinian territories. The leaked 20-minute conversation opens with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lavishing praise on Chinese President Xi Jinping: “Your great nation has much to teach us on how to suppress millions of primitives...

President-Elect Regrets Going Back to Intelligence Briefings

President-Elect Regrets Going Back to Intelligence Briefings

WASHINGTON D.C. — President Elect Donald Trump is beginning to wonder whether this was the best day to start receiving intelligence briefings again. 10-minutes into the session he interrupted the CIA officers to comment, “Whoa…is this a special day or something? It’s only been a week since I had to sit through one of these things. I’m, like, a smart...

Putin Appoints Trump as New Ambassador to Turkey

Putin Appoints Trump as New Ambassador to Turkey

ANKARA — Donald Trump will soon hold a new position in Russian President Vladimir Putin’s administration, as Putin announced that he has re-appointed the U.S. president-elect to replace slain Ambassador to Turkey, Andrey Karlov. “Donald has done [a] very good job as my President of America, but now we need him elsewhere,” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “I know that he...

Trump Appoints Gary Johnson Ambassador to Syria

Trump Appoints Gary Johnson Ambassador to Syria

Calling the former New Mexico governor and Libertarian presidential candidate “one of the smartest, most knowledgeable people in my cabinet,” President-elect Donald Trump announced that he would appoint Gary Johnson as his administration’s next Ambassador to Syria. “Nobody knows more about Syria than Gary Johnson, believe me,” Trump said in a news conference on the appointment. “When I Googled ‘Gary...

Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’
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Walt Disney’s Epcot Opens ‘Little Israel’

ORLANDO, FL — The Happiest Place On Earth just got a little happier, as Disney announced the opening of Little Israel at Epcot Center this past weekend, just in time for Hanukkah and Christmas.  The multinational corporation has carved out some land to represent the Jewish State, providing authentic cultural experiences all staffed by out-of-your-league chicks rocking casually slung assault...