A new report from heaven indicates that the inter-religious council of Gods will be announcing today a decrease in virgins per Muslim from 72 to 4. The move was adopted out of fears that large gatherings will lead to another wave of Covid-19. The move comes after the council rejected plans by the Abrahamic Gods to save the population by...
With the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, as well as the “it came from a China lab” conspiracy already being debunked, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year and a half was a difficult time for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic...
President Joe Biden has begun building bipartisan support for his infrastructure plan after the administration clarified to Republicans that “bombing the shit out of Arab countries” is included in his expansive definition of infrastructure. Republicans initially vowed to oppose the more than $2 trillion proposal, arguing that it included mostly non-infrastructure spending. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand’s reinforced this perception when she...
In a move that experts say will end Turkish democracy once and for all, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has copied controversial voting laws from the US state of Georgia and enacted them across his Republic. Voters in Turkish elections will now need to show a photo ID in order to cast a ballot and will have a mere 17-day...
With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...
Major League Baseball finally has a new site for its 2021 All-Star Game after the event was pulled from Georgia over its recently passed voting reform. The game will now be held in the Xinjiang Province of China, MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred announced. Manfred said he made the decision after speaking to Bob Chapek, whose company pulled out of Georgia...
In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...
After signing landmark legislation legalizing marijuana in the state, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is urging New Yorkers to get so stoned that they forget about all the state’s political developments this year. “After a year like 2020, it is important that New Yorkers take some time to enjoy the strongest, and most memory-erasing, strain of cannabis known to man,”...
In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. “The people of Georgia delivered...
Members of the Islamic State used insensitive terminology during a recent Zoom call, New York Times technology reporter Taylor Lorenz revealed after obtaining a fake identity and accessing the virtual meeting. Lorenz reported that ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi used the “b-slur” – a reference to people with visual impairments – when stating that the West is “completely blind to...
Former US President Donald J. Trump issued a statement this week taking credit for freeing Ever Given, the cargo ship that had been wedged across the Suez Canal last week. “I hope everyone remembers while benefiting from global trade that if I wasn’t President, they would not be participating in such a beautiful shipping process, at least for 500 years,”...
In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and...
Mansour Abbas, the leader of the United Arab List, an Islamist, and now a potential kingmaker in the coalition-building process, has agreed to support Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu under one condition: Netanyahu must publicly acknowledge that neither falafel or hummus are ‘Israeli’ foods. Abbas says he will support whichever candidate is willing to stand in front of the Knesset...
*Updated 24 March 2021 Following last year’s impact of an asteroid comprised of weapons-grade uranium infused with mustard gas and smallpox, it seemed that everything in the world changed overnight. As the world emerges from the ashes there seems to be only one relic of history still in place – Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu remains Israel’s Prime Minister. According to...
This weekend Bill de Blasio managed to outdo himself by pre-arresting the entire Jewish Community of New York after finding out that they were all planning on inviting the same guest over for Passover. De Blasio insisted that he didn’t want to seem biased against the Jewish community, but he could not stand by and allow them to chant things...
America’s Evangelical Christian Zionists are growing impatient that the prophecy foretelling the mass conversion of the Jews in Israel and the Second Coming of Christ is yet to be fulfilled. “Our support for Israel is unshakeable,” one Christian Zionist from Dallas told The Mideast Beast, “but if those Israelis don’t see the light of Jesus and convert to Christianity en...
Fox commentator Tucker Carlson has once again doubled down on his accusations of the Chinese government’s alleged role in releasing the coronavirus by accusing the Wuhan Institute of Virology, also known as ‘that Wuhan lab’, of bullying him in High School. According to the conservative political commentator, not only did scientists from Wuhan develop SARS-CoV-2, which causes the disease Covid-19,...
In the most dramatic shift in military strategy since 9/11, President Joe Biden has withdrawn all combat forces from the Middle East and stationed them outside the home of controversial Fox News host Tucker Carlson. The redeployment marks an escalation between Biden’s regime and Carlson following remarks by the conservative host about women serving in the military. Secretary of Defense...
After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, thus leading to the downfall of its faux Caliphate, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force of their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle...
Editor’s note: Updated for #WayBackWednesday, 17 March 2021 News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a...
