Politics
Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship
Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast. “I won’t lie, I got really great experience working in post-production, so I can’t...
Al Qaeda Chief Unsure Whether to be Grateful That Nobody Knows Who He Is
Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda head since the death of Osama bin Laden, is reported to be conflicted emotionally that hardly anybody in the West appears to know who he is. “I’ll be honest, when Osama was killed I was quite looking forward to taking over and getting all the fame and attention I’d craved for years”, admitted al-Zawahiri in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “Osama was a household name across much of the world. Everyone talked about him and...
Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”
Today, incumbent Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a statement directed at his electorate on the topic of his possible reelection. While most news agencies were focused on the Prime Minister’s apparent renege on his previous commitment to a two state solution with the Palestinians, we were more interested in something he alluded to later on. “I find that the best way to enshrine democracy is to become a de facto monarch,” Netanyahu said in his speech. Netanyahu currently ranks as...
Saudi Arabia: We’d Take Syrian Refugees If We Had More Room
As the international community continues to decry about the lack of help from Arab-Muslim countries regarding Syrian refugees, the diminutive Saudi Kingdom announced today that it really wants to help its Syrian brothers and sisters but it’s unfortunately bursting at the seams. Saudi Foreign Minister Abdul Jabbar commented; “We’re just full up right now. Imagine how you feel after Ramadan ends and you hit the buffet. Well like that. Look, go and ask Kuwait, they’ve got loads of space.” RELATED: Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive...
Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield
GAZA CITY – 56-year-old Palestinian Rafah Saleem al-Fayoumi stared forlornly at the funeral procession for his neighbor Hasan’s children, thinking to himself, “Why did Hamas leaders choose Hasan’s kids to be human shields against the evil Zionists instead of mine? Am I not good enough?” Turning to a sympathetic BBC reporter, al-Fayoumi then poured out his feelings: “Why is the blood of Hasan’s children somehow better than the blood of mine? It’s so unjust – Hasan’s family gets everything! Last week Hamas...
Taliban Negotiators in Awkward Water-Cooler Moment with Syrian Team
US envoys to the Taliban have experienced a stilted five-minute conversation with their colleagues on the ISIS desk, as they discussed their ‘working lunch’ with Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar. “So yeah that sounds nice” commented one State Department official currently grappling with wiping out terror groups in Syria. “Was there hummus? I bet there was hummus. Everyone just sitting round and chillin, showing pictures of their kids and stuff. Sounds great. Well don’t mind us, we will just go back...
Following Brexit Vote, UK Considers Joining Middle East
With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...
Following Launch of Israeli Spacecraft, Roger Waters Announces Boycott of the Moon
With the launch of Israel’s Beresheet spacecraft, a bid to make it the fourth country to land on the lunar surface, Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters is now urging his fans to boycott the moon. Waters says that people should make all efforts possible to avoid looking at the moon, reading about the moon or even saying the word “moon.” He has further demanded that the name of Pink Floyd’s eighth studio album be changed to “The Dark Side of...
‘Couldn’t You Have Said It Was Us?’ al Qaeda Asks Smollett
With ‘Empire’ star Jussie Smollett facing charges over allegedly filing a false police report, Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda has questioned why the actor did not blame them for the reported attack. “All he had to do was say, ‘Yea, I was attacked on the street by two men. They were wearing keffiyehs and shouting Allahu Akbar,’’ al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri explained in a Tweet. “We would have claimed responsibility, there would be no police investigation, and all of a...
Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters
Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I have certain standards and a reputation to uphold. I mean have you been down the Tel Aviv beachfront on a Friday...
Saudi Prince Promotes “Turkish-type Consulate” Peace Plan
During his official visit to Pakistan Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman has invited his hosts to join him and Indian negotiators at the Saudi consulate of their choice for what he has dubbed ‘an introduction to enhanced negotiation techniques.’ A spokesman for the Crown Prince commented, “His Majesty has always felt that when tensions are at their highest the best thing to do is to invite all the parties to the dispute to a sit down and a nice cup...
Ilhan Omar Apologizes, Had No Idea ‘Kikey McJewface’ was Offensive
Freshman Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is once again apologizing for what some have called anti-Semitic remarks, saying that she did not know the term ‘Kikey McJewface’ was considered offensive. “I am always willing to learn from my mistakes, and I now understand that this term has triggered some sensitivities among my Jewish colleagues and constituents,” Omar, who used the slur towards CNN analyst Fareed Zakaria after he wrote a column highlighting anti-Semitism in the Muslim world, tweeted. “At the same time, I...
Amazon Chooses Saudi Arabia for Second Headquarters
A week after cancelling its plan to build its second headquarters in Long Island City, Amazon announced that it will instead build HQ2 in Saudi Arabia, where it will be free from media scrutiny and grassroots political opposition. “We just can’t risk taking the time and expense to work out an elaborate deal with a mayor, governor or Prime Minister only to have it blown up by a handful of protestors or a bartender on Twitter,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos...
Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp
“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded. The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence. “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.” The Israeli court decided that the pair...
Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is taking the Fight for $15 to the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage to its mujahedeen in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they are paid peanuts while the Caliph and those around him live very comfortably,” Sanders said in a stump speech in Aleppo. “It is not fair that the top 1 percent of ISIS officials get 83...
Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism
In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...
Hamas Announces New Rockets Capable of Hitting Their Own Schools
Leaders of Hamas’ armed military wing announced this week that its engineers had produced a new type of rocket with a maximum range of about 500 meters capable of reaching the Gaza Strip’s Hamas and United Nations-run schools. One Hamas commander, Mahmoud Al-Tahabri, emphasized that in the past Hamas had tried to extend the range of its rockets to reach all Israeli cities, but that ultimately this was a failed strategy. He continued, “the rockets that we launch into Israel...
Anti-Semites Fear Ilhan Omar is Using Anti-Semitic Tropes at Unsustainable Rate
Warning that the Congresswoman was on course to burn through all major Jewish stereotypes in her first year in office, a number of prominent bigots have urged Minnesota Democrat Ilhan Omar to pace herself in her use of anti-Semitic dog whistles. The warnings came after Omar was forced to apologize for implying that members of Congress support Israel due to payoffs from pro-Israel lobbyists, deploying the “rich Jews run the world stereotype.” This came just weeks after she apologized for...
After Conversion, Israel Now Focusing Diaspora Outreach Solely on Jenna Jameson
The Mideast Beast has learned that after former adult film actress-turned-entrepreneur, Jenna Jameson, told reporters she converted to Judaism the Israeli government has announced it will redeploy all its resources to convince the former porn star to move to the Holy Land. “Previously, our diaspora outreach program aimed at appealing to a broad swath of Jews in Europe, the United States and the former Soviet Union,” noted ultra-nationalist Israeli Minister Naftali Bennett. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, Bennet said, “Now, however, we...
Palestinians Approach UN Seeking ‘Top Billing’ in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
A delegation representing the Palestinian Authority has appeared before UN leadership requesting the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to be renamed. As PA representative Mahmoud Said told the UN, “For too long, we’ve been told that we don’t deserve top billing in this conflict. For too long, our children have grown up in a world where they are billed second to the Zionists. Don’t they deserve to live in a world where their biggest problem is the ‘Palestinian-Israeli Conflict?’” According to Said, the...