With partisans in the US arguing over whether Antifa or supporters of President Trump are to blame for the storming of the US Capitol, leaders of the Islamic State terror group are reportedly downcast that no one has even thought to accuse them of leading the attack. “Five years ago, if someone lit a firecracker in a Hooters parking lot,...
In a move aimed at softening its public image and attracting Western tourists and investment, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will now allow female citizens to work in the flourishing torture and execution industry. “For too many years, respectable jobs beheading criminals, drug users, activists, journalists and homosexuals have been the domain of men and men alone,” Crown Prince Mohammed...
Saying that he was determined to prove himself to be the smartest of the president’s clan – even days before his father is set to leave office – Eric Trump has released a series of emails sent to ISIS leaders begging for a meeting with a senior member of the terror group. “My brother-in-law is all over the TV becuz...
The Mideast Beast, a satirical news source, has confirmed that they will begin to focus on reporting real news. This comes at a time when real news, fake news, and satire are becoming less and less distinguishable. There have always been some that think satire is real and real news is fake, but recently the number of people unable to...
Despite the public relations boost it would give to an organization desperately trying to stay relevant, Islamic State officials have decided not to recruit rapper Kanye West to the terror group. “Honestly, we could probably get him to sign on as our spokesman in 15 minutes,” ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi told The Mideast Beast, noting West’s dramatic vacillation...
Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How...
While last week’s attack on the US Capitol has drawn widespread bipartisan condemnation, two prominent Democrats now say they support the riots after hearing that they are similar to Kristallnacht, a 1938 pogrom against Jews in Nazi Germany. Rep. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib, both members of a far-Left democratic faction known as The Squad, have endorsed the storming of...
Following other governments’ most recent launches of coronavirus “track and trace” apps, Mossad proudly announced this week that they’ve been tracking citizens’ movements for years, for both national security and those ‘just in case’ scenarios. In a testament to the superiority of Israeli intelligence, Mossad claims that their concerns around infectious diseases began at the exact same time as the...
With Israel leading the world in coronavirus vaccination rates, the United Nations General Assembly has passed a resolution condemning Israel for its ongoing genocide against COVID-19 virions. “The illegal apartheid state of ‘Israel’ is once again committing crimes against humanity, ethnically cleansing innocent coronavirus particles from their homes in the human body,” the resolution states. “We call on the occupation...
After permanently banning President Donald Trump from his platform, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey says he is greatly relieved that the problem of world leaders inciting violence on his platform has been permanently solved. “Removing a world leader for using his account to promote violent acts is a dramatic step,” Dorsey acknowledged. “Banning Trump could have all sorts of implications if...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called to congratulate the shirtless Viking who stormed the US Capitol and made it to Vice President Mike Pence’s chair, promising to work with the Viking to strengthen the US-Israel relationship. “Mr. Shirtless Viking, I congratulate you on behalf of the people of Israel on your rise to the seat of government,” Netanyahu told...
A new PR campaign celebrating the ingenuity and modernity of Saudi Arabia is bragging about its strict Islamic laws, which have required women to cover their faces for decades before Covid-19. “For so many years the West gave us shit for making women cover up, now all of these liberal U.S. governors are forcing even men to do the same,”...
With only days remaining in his presidency, and hoping to salvage any possible legacy, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove Covid-19 from people’s bodies using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after learning that...
With pro-Trump protestors storming the US Capitol in Washington DC and temporarily holding senators and congresspeople hostage, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri is reportedly furious that he didn’t think of just breaking into the Capitol and taking over the US government. “I never knew you could just get a group of guys and just walk into the seat of government...
In a desperate call to Tbilisi Monday evening, US President Donald Trump asked Georgian President Salome Zurabishvili to help find nearly 12,000 votes and swing the presidential election. Trump, who narrowly lost the US state of Georgia to President-elect Joe, reportedly told aids to “get the King of Georgia” on the phone after his efforts to convince Georgia Secretary of...
With the first of the coronavirus vaccines being administered worldwide, the World Health Organization (WHO) now says it is safe for the public to once again eat bats in moderation. “The past year was a difficult year for citizens across the globe, as the coronavirus pandemic forced people to entirely cut bats and pangolins out of their diets,” WHO Director-General...
Patient zero in the COVID-19 outbreak has finally been identified and has admitted to eating the raw bat that ignited the ongoing global pandemic, but blamed her action on the prescription sleep aid Ambien. “I’m so embarrassed. It was two in the morning and I was Ambien eating, and I decided to try a raw bat,” the Wuhan resident, a...
Habeeba Baldwin, the wife of actor Alec Baldwin, has recently opened up about her Arab heritage and the difficulties adjusting to life in the West. Habeeba, who told The Mideast Beast that she misses her home country of Agrabah every day, says she frequently struggles both with the English language and with American norms. “Yesterday I looked out the window...
Humanity’s century-long battle with fascism is finally over, after rioters in Portland, Oregon destroyed Starbucks Coffee on 3rd Avenue, a key Nazi stronghold, late Thursday night. The rioters’ seven-month siege of the city, which has focused on smashing the windows of businesses, throwing Molotov cocktails at police officers, and dumping paint on elderly women, proved too much for the global...
Claiming that the Iraqi people “really owe us one after the whole WMD thing,” pro-Trump lawyer Lin Wood is calling for the Iraqi Armed Forces to invade the US and install Trump as president for life. “Americans sacrificed their lives to end the tyranny of Saddam Hussein and bring freedom and prosperity to Iraq,” Wood said in a series of...
