Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....
Republicans’ path to confirming Amy Coney Barrett to the US Supreme Court hit a major snag on Wednesday when the US Court of Appeals judge refused to say whether chocolate-flavored hummus is unconstitutional. Barrett, who appeared headed to an easy confirmation, stumbled over a question from Hawaii Senator Mazie Hirono. Hirono asked Barrett whether she has ever purchased chocolate hummus,...
Mohamed al-Jihad, a Saudi national flying from New York on a one-way ticket, told TSA that he would not reveal whether he planned to hijack the plane until after he had been allowed onboard. “If I told you whether I had a gun or box cutters, or let you check my luggage, then that would become the issue,” al-Jihad told...
The ever-active Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is still at it, this time taking the ‘Fight for 15’ to what remains of the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage of $15.00 an hour to its mujahideen (Jihadis) in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they...
Vice President Pence has announced that forthwith all meetings of the coronavirus committee will be held in the new Jewish capital, just in case “this is the big one.” A spokesman for the Cabinet Member voted ‘most likely to ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven’ by CPAC four years running, commented, “This office is concentrated on reacting to this crisis...
Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...
After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...
Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence. While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...
The United States Senate has seen its viewership dip to an all-time low during its 2020 session, with analysts attributing the decline to senators’ vocal criticism of the NBA playoffs both on and off the Senate floor. C-Span’s coverage of Senate proceedings saw a 28% decline from last year’s ratings, as fans grew tired of the constant focus on lawmakers’...
The Hidden Imam, a messianic figure in Shia Islam said to have been in hiding since the 10th century AD, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani told The Mideast Beast. The Hidden One is considered both the political and religious leader of the Shia people. In Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei rules in his absence until...
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio nearly ordered police to break up an Antifa protest, mistaking the group of young men clad in black for Orthodox Jews rather than his intended left-wing base. “There are reports of a mass gathering of violent-looking young men, covered in black from head to toe, rampaging through New York City and spreading their...
Calling the central figure of Christianity “really overrated” and “frankly not that tough,” US President Donald Trump bragged that it took him less time to recover from Covid-19 than it took Jesus to rise from the dead. “Everyone makes a big deal about this Jesus guy. ‘Oh, Jesus is so brave because he rose from the dead.’ Sure, but it...
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again found himself at the center of a controversy, as comments made during a recent policy speech have forced the Turkish government to take over all administrative duties for the Israeli city of Jerusalem. Israeli officials ecstatically handed over control after Erdogan told Turkish lawmakers that “Jerusalem is our city,” an apparent reference...
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to honor Arafat and his contribution...
Days after testing positive for Covid-19, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove the virus from his body using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after testing positive for Covid-19. “If we just dropped one...
The US and other western countries have ended their war against the Islamic State after its leader, Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi, declared that ISIS is “not an organization but an ideology.” “I am not a terrorist or the leader of a terrorist organization,” al-Qurashi explained. “I am just an idea, an ideology, a thought floating through the air, so there’s really...
A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus. The...
In an effort to prevent violence and maintain order, the United Nations announced that it will send 5,000 armed Peacekeepers to Miami for the October 15 presidential debate. Peacekeepers will join the candidates, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, on stage to make sure bloodshed does not break out during the 90-minute debate. The soldiers have been...
Looking to avoid a proxy fight that would cost the lives of hundreds or thousands of soldiers and civilians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have agreed to resolve the dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan through a steel cage match between the two leaders. If Erdogan wins the match by either pinning his opponent or...
Opponents of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have accused the ayatollah of wearing an earpiece during his recent sermons so aids can remind the octogenarian to wish “Death to America.” Iranian dissidents and opposition leaders have noted that the 81-year-old Khamenei has often appeared confused in recent years and are demanding that a third-party inspector check the ayatollah’s ears for...
