Politics
United States Proceeds to Storm out of Lunchroom After Turkey Scores a Lunchable from Russia
After they noticed Turkey accepting a Lunchable from Russia, the United States reportedly threw a lunch tray and ran out of the cafeteria while stopping to shove Montenegro into the salad bar. In the hallway, looking flustered, the United States explained that it was just “so typical” of Turkey, and that Russia had made a gesture to them under the table before the U.S. decided to leave. “I always help Turkey out if they’re missing lunch, ask anyone, they’re just...
New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon
Calling the Kingdom a “beacon of tolerance and progressive values,” a column in The New York Times praised Saudi Arabia for winning the “space race for equality” by refusing to put a straight white male on the moon. “While Americans were busy spreading white supremacy by sending cis-gendered straight white men into space, one after another, Saudi leadership refused to compromise on its pluralistic values,” the column stated. “Men and women, gay and straight, of all races stayed on Earth...
Benjamin Netanyahu Reconsiders Telling Palestinians to “Go Back Where They Came From”
Explaining that he was simply intending it for the underlying message and not the literal interpretation, Benjamin Netanyahu has walked back from a press conference this morning at which he stated that Palestinians should “also go back where they came from.” “My intention was to echo the enmity of the US President’s recent use of the expression, the ‘these people ought to be looked down upon and shamed’ kind of rallying cry. Of course, the literal part doesn’t exactly work...
Ocasio-Cortez Admits She Had No Idea Israel Is a Country
Confronted over her baffling explanation of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict on PBS’s “Firing Line,” Democratic House candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez admitted that she had no idea that there’s a literal country called “Israel” or an aspiring nation called “Palestine.” Ocasio-Cortez acknowledged that her opposition to the “occupation” stemmed from her Socialist aversion to anything that sounded like it might have to do with a job. “I just think Israel should end the occupation, because like, we’re all people, so why should the...
North Korean Leader Says Nuclear Program Necessary Because Women Made Fun of His Height
In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not acceptable to continue developing his nuclear weapons program and responded by yelling, “Is it acceptable for women to refuse to go out with me because...
ISIS Leader: ‘Nobody Knew Reestablishing the Caliphate Could Be So Complicated’
After years of promising to unite the Muslim world in an Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi admitted this week that he had no idea how difficult establishing, maintaining and then pretty much losing a utopian civilization based on the model of Muhammed and his rightly-guided successors would be. “Now, I have to tell you, running a state based on the guidance of a 1,500-year-old text is really, really tough,” al-Baghdadi said. “It’s an unbelievably...
Saudi Royal Family Surprised by Lack of Ties to Jeffrey Epstein
A spokesman for Saudi Arabia has announced that King Salman is genuinely shocked by the lack of ties between the Saudi Royal family and disgraced billionaire Jeffrey Epstein. It has been reporting that the King is investigating those responsible. “He is linked to the most powerful people in the world,” said a Royal spokesman. “We read it on Wikipedia. There’s no way we’re missing out on that list. We will do whatever is necessary to form a relationship with Mr....
ISIS Leader Blasts Pelosi for Singling Out Terrorists of Color
Calling the top Democrat “really insensitive” for criticizing his Caliphate, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi blasted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for singling out terrorists of color for denunciation. “I guess the Speaker isn’t so comfortable with someone with brown skin blowing up a mosque or having a few sex slaves,” al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “I never realized Ms. Pelosi was such a racist.” The comments came after Pelosi questioned in an interview with New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd why...
Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts
JERUSALEM — Due to always-escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel, while some actually have nothing to do with the Jewish State at all. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?”...
Netanyahu Cuts off Ties with Tel Aviv over Settlement Disapproval
JERUSALEM — In his latest response to the UN Security Council’s resolution condemning his county’s settlement activity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has broken off all diplomatic relations with the city of Tel Aviv. “No one will tell us where Jews can or cannot build homes – not the UN, and certainly not those smug, open-minded Tel Aviv liberals,” Netanyahu said in a statement announcing his latest move. “If these Israelis consider themselves real Jews, they should move to Amona...
ISIS Abandons Qur’an For Being Too Peaceful, Adopts Gospel According To Wile E. Coyote
After constant accusations of not truly representing Islam, thus leading to the downfall of its faux Caliphate, the Islamic State has decided that the Qur’an will no longer be the guiding force to their movement. The militant radicals will instead follow the far more violent scripture of mid 20th century American cartoons. Following visits from Acme missionaries to the Middle East, the Islamic State learned about the prophet Wile E. Coyote and his many sacrifices for the sake of violence....
Angered by Criticism Over Fake News Sites, Mark Zuckerberg to Join ISIS
Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to, and continuing after, the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be moving to Syria and joining ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news is completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg told The Mideast Beast. “That is why I have decided to fight the American infidels on behalf of the resurgent...
Following Melania’s Successful Campaign Against Cyberbullying, Eva Braun Vows to Fight Anti-Semitism
Following Melania Trump’s promise to focus on preventing cyberbullying nearly three years ago, and her clear success at it thus far as First Lady of the United States, Eva Braun has announced plans to combat anti-Semitism both in Germany and throughout the world. “Our culture has become too mean and too rough, especially to Jewish people,” Braun, Adolf Hitler’s longtime mistress, noted. “We have to find a better way to respect religious differences without turning to hatred or prejudice.” Braun announced that...
With Latest Corporate Merger, Israel Becomes Subsidiary of Evangelical Christian Right, Inc.
Since its founding in 1948, Israel has proudly declared itself the “Homeland of the Jewish People.” That title will now undergo some workshopping as a result of the merger announced yesterday. As part of the deal, Evangelical Christians will allow Israel to retain the famous “Jewish State” brand due to its commercial popularity, but all profit generated by that brand will be funneled into the machinery of the larger entity of the Evangelical Christian Right (ECR). “We didn’t pursue this merger...
British Protests, Violence Mark 243 Years Since Expulsion from American Colonies
As Americans celebrate the 243rd anniversary of its independence with barbeques, parties and fireworks, rage in the United Kingdom set in as the British mark what they called the “Proper Mess,” British for ‘catastrophe‘. Peaceful protests against the United States’ independence turned violent, as clashes broke out between NATO troops and protesters demanding a “right of return” to the U.S. mainland. Riots were held in London, Manchester and other major cities, as British citizens protested their expulsion from what they termed...
Nike to Stop Making Footwear After Kaepernick Calls All Shoes Racist
After dominating the sneaker business for decades, athletic apparel firm Nike announced that it will stop making footwear after spokesman and former 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick insisted that shoes are a symbol of racism and slavery. Nike had just announced the launch of its latest basketball shoe, which it planned to sell for $199 a pair, when Kaepernick insisted in a series of tweets that shoes are “a tool of oppression and white supremacy.” “I heard that, like, slave owners...
ISIS Presidential Frontrunner Criticized for Past Opposition to School Bus Bombing
The frontrunner in the ISIS presidential election has seen a dramatic drop in the polls after an opponent attacked his opposition decades ago to school bus bombings. Former Vice Caliph Yusef al-Bideni appeared stunned when his challenger, Kamal bin Harisi, brought up his criticism of bus bombing, which dates back to the 1970s. “Mr. al-Bideni claims to have evolved since then, but if he could oppose something as clearly righteous as bus bombing, why should we trust him?” Harisi asked....
Jews, Nazis Agree: Trump’s Migrant Detention Centers Not Concentration Camps
NEW YORK – In a rare joint statement released today, groups of American Jews and Neo-Nazis declared in one voice, “the strongly held conviction that the detention facilities currently housing migrant children on the Southern border do not qualify as ‘concentration camps’ by any historical standard we recognize.” Controversy surrounding the detention centers came to a crescendo in recent days as prominent public figures, including Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex, referred to the facilities as “concentration camps.” Reports of children being taken...
“When You Make Generalizations about Muslims, All 1.6 Billion Muslims Are Offended,” Says Apologist with Tenuous Grasp on Concept of Irony
The question of what constitutes an offensive remark about minority groups continues to plague us in somewhat the same way Miley Cyrus’ twerking most often results in involuntary vomiting. Muslims are often cited as being among the most easily offended people, in what has become a close race with hipsters, old-timey Southern women who say, “well, I never!” and Donald Trump who has skin as thick as Kanye. And while it remains obvious to most people that not all Muslims can...
Al-Baghdadi Disappoints at First Caliphate Debate
ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s disappointing performance in the first Caliphate debate has opened the door for the other candidates in the 2020 Caliph race, as Baghdadi was hammered by his opponents for his soft stands on religious minorities, execution and women’s rights. Baghdadi, who entered the debate with a large lead in the polls after restoring the Islamic Caliphate, touted his success in his first term in office. “Are you better off now than you were four years ago?”...