Politics

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

RAQQA, SYRIA – ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has released a new document entitled, “A New Vision for the Death of America,” where he calls upon the entire Islamic State and affiliate organizations to begin fundraising for the National Rifle Association. Outlining his plan, al-Baghdadi writes, “There is an American organization that enables anybody to buy high-powered military-style rifles capable of massacring many people! Literally, anybody can buy one of these things, and the American politicians do whatever this NRA says!”...

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

In a radical departure on promises to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem President Trump announced Saturday night that he intends to move it to Mt. Gerizim instead. Located in the West Bank city of Nablus, Mt. Gerizim is the holiest place to the Samaritan people. The place they believed the temple should have been built and where, contrary to the Masoretic Text, the binding of Isaac occurred. “You know Israelis and Palestinians, great people but gotta...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In a series of tweets on Sunday, Trump said he will look to replicate this success in other policy areas. “Everyone...

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

Amidst rising controversies on US campuses over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Students for Justice in Palestine is outreaching to its diverse students by hosting their second annual “Israel, Palestine, and Occupation Forum” this coming Friday night. Members of all faiths are welcome to participate to promote easing tensions between Christians, Jews, and Muslims by discussing modern events in Israel. Snacks and beverages will be provided followed by a PowerPoint presentation on the history of the conflict from scholars at Al Jazeera...

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this revolutionary idea is coming from. “I think it’s really logical actually.” Goldstein explained, “Everyone loves to play the blame game...

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

NRA’s Vision of America ‘A Bit Dark,’ Iran Says

Taking the unusual step of defending its sworn enemy, the Islamic Republic of Iran has called a recent NRA advertisement “a bit dark” for its dystopic portrayal of the United States. “Listen, we eagerly await the destruction of the Great Satan as much as anybody, and we believe America is the cause of all the world’s evil,” Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, told The Mideast Beast. “But the NRA goes a bit overboard. I mean, things can’t be that...

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas After All (new podcast)

What Happens in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas After All (new podcast)

With the continued violent attacks throughout the world, this week’s mass shooting in Las Vegas finally forces host Alex Giles into a ranting rage (British style, still calm and polite). Will you agree with his claim that America should adopt Israeli gun laws? Host Molly Livingstone adds her two shekels on the matter, from the American crime she knows from growing up in Los Angeles, to teenagers accessorized with guns in Jerusalem where she now raises her own children. The...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the Jews we can’t”.  Another Syrian soldier said: “I’m really going to miss their Sarin Bombs! They were a killer, even...

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed in legitimate political rights altogether,” Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told The Mideast Beast. “As it turns out, it was just...

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

iPhone Autocorrect Accused of Taking Sides in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

The rebooted autocorrect on iPhone 8 has been accused of making inflammatory remarks on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The first of many concerns was aired by Neil Rubinstein, who claimed “self-determination for the Jewish people” was corrected to “racism”. When he then asked Siri “what’s the difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism”, she responded that no results were found for anti-Semitism, anywhere in history. Palestinian Ali Bin-Jamal was also quick to point out “Zionist sympathies”. He was still shaking when he recalled...

Is the Middle East Out of Control? Saudi Women Behind the Wheel

Is the Middle East Out of Control? Saudi Women Behind the Wheel

With the new law allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia (set to take effect in June, 2018), will the Saudi Kingdom finally let women hold phallic fruits and vegetables (yep, that’s not allowed, either)? On this week’s episode of The Mideast Beast Podcast, hosts Molly Livingstone and Alex Giles discuss the many no-nos in Saudi society, extreme religious nutters all over the world, and if this is really a step forward or two steps back. The Mideast Beast podcasts...

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

The White House released a statement that it has not yet decided on which nickname it will use for the president of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, saying: “all options are on the table”. Leaked documents from the White House posted by the White House to Twitter show that the nicknames under consideration for Assad were in no way limited to Elton John Songs: A NSC staffer was quoted as saying, “they didn’t prepare me for this shit at Georgetown”. In response,...

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Following Kurdistan Vote, US Excited to Have Another Middle Eastern Country to Invade

Despite public condemnation of the Kurdistan vote for independence by the US State Department, behind closed doors, US officials have been thrilled by recent developments in the Kurdish areas of Iraq. One official commented “We’re just so happy there’s something new to work with here. The American people are sick of hearing about ‘Iraq,’ Afghanistan’ or ‘Syria’. We needed something new, something spicy to invade, and the Kurds have given it to us.” According to reports, one official of the...

Saudi Dynasty Collapses After Women Permitted to Drive

Saudi Dynasty Collapses After Women Permitted to Drive

King Salman’s revocation of the controversial driving ban for women has backfired with the swiftest revolution in the Middle East to date. Just hours after the driving ban was lifted, women converged on major locations across Riyadh. Fatima Al-Fatima, the leader of the revolt, spoke from the royal palace: “We have been practicing on our husband’s dune buggies and golf carts. The plans have been in place for years. The process of establishing a matriarchal utopia in Saudi Arabia is...

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

‘Why Can’t I Be Rocket Man?’ Iranian Leader Laments

Iran’s supreme leader is distraught over US President Donald Trump’s decision to dub North Korean strongman Kim Jong-un “Rocket Man,” saying he has long been gunning for that title. “I have spent the better part of two decades building an illegal nuclear weapons and missile program, just so I could have a badass nickname,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told The Mideast Beast. “And Trump bestows this honor on that fat Korean infidel? Those damn Americans give us no respect.” “I mean...

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Kurds Cancel Referendum After Iraq Opens First Whole Foods

Iraq’s Kurdish population has decided to put its dreams of independence on hold, canceling a planned referendum after the organic grocer Whole Foods opened its first location in the country. “After learning that Iraq will soon be home to a growing number of Whole Foods Markets, we have withdrawn our bid for secession,” Kurdish President Masoud Barzani said in an official statement. “We look forward to remaining part of a unified Iraq.” The Kurds had seemed determined to push forward...

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Kaepernick Begins Hunting Bald Eagles to Protest US Wars in Middle East

Former NFL quarterback and full-time activist Colin Kaepernick has taken another controversial stand, announcing that he now plans to give up football and devote himself to hunting bald eagles to protest US military action in the Middle East. “While America invaded Iraq and Afghanistan and killed billions of innocent African (sic) children, these stupid birds had no problem masquerading as symbols of American arrogance,” Kaepernick wrote on Facebook, captioning a picture of the former San Francisco 49er holding a dead...

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

National Rifle Association International Cuts Ribbon for New Yemen Branch

The Ideology Sector continued to show growing export vigor as the National Rifle Association (NRA) opened their newest international branch in Yemen. NRA head, Wayne LaPierre, was on hand to cut the ribbon as an excited crowd shot guns into the air in celebration. “With its recognition of the fundamental right of every person to own any weapon on which he – or she! – can get their hands, Yemen offers a bright beacon by which America can chart its...

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

Kurds Invoke Rules of ‘Shotgun!’ for Creation of New State 

With limited international support for the unilateral referendum for an independent state, the leader of Iraqi Kurdistan Massoud Barzani has desperately invoked the rules of ‘shotgun!’ in his bid to create an independent Kurdistan. At a regional conference, the topic was raised, only to be dismissed outright in mad laughter by Iraq, Iran, and Turkey. This led Barzani to lose his cool, and shout at other leaders: “We called shotgun on this land, so good luck trying to overturn that...