Politics
Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’
Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately. Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.” Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...
Netanyahu Demands a Wall Outside Prosecutor’s Office
In a dramatic address Tuesday night, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he will shut down his country’s government unless lawmakers approve a concrete wall between his offices and the state attorney general. Standing outside the AG’s office in Jerusalem, Netanyahu claimed the wall was needed to stop a caravan of investigators seeking to harass Israeli citizens with charges of corruption. “Without this wall, none of Israel’s citizens are safe from overzealous prosecutors looking to drive them from the prime...
Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group
Inspired by the success of the annual Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...
Trump to Demolish Rep. Tlaib’s Home Following Profane Outburst
Calling the action “the only effective deterrent against this behavior,” President Trump has ordered the National Guard to demolish the home of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib following her use of profanity and threat to remove him from office. Tlaib, a Palestinian-American elected to Congress in November, told a group of supporters that Democrats would “impeach the motherfucker,” referring to Trump. Her comments earned scorn from Republicans and irked Democrats who sought to downplay talks of impeachment. Within hours of her comments,...
Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...
Trump Considers Pardoning Jesus
Saying that the first-century preacher and possible messiah has been treated “very unfairly,” US President Donald Trump acknowledged that he is considering a pardon for Jesus Christ. “These Byzantines (sic) were really bad hombres, and they really treated this Jesus Christ guy very unfairly,” Trump said in a Tweet. “A lot of people don’t know this, but he was crucified by Puny Pontius Pilate. Sad!” Trump added that Christ is finally beginning to get recognition. The president was informed of...
SEAL Team Six Deployed to Cave Near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
The elite operators of SEAL Team Six have reportedly been deployed to the downtown Washington area in an attempt to track down an individual holed up in a confined space and raging against the injustices of the Western world. The special forces unit best known for bringing bin Laden to justice were apparently brought in as one of the final acts of outgoing Secretary of Defense, General Mattis. A spokesperson for the unit commented, “When ‘Mad Dog’ calls, we answer....
Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern
US Senator Elizabeth Warren announced the launch of her 2020 presidential campaign while donning a full burqa, an Islamic garment which covers a woman’s body and face, after a DNA test showed that she is nearly 0.1% Middle Eastern. Warren’s surprising move came after the senator and presidential candidate backed away from claims of Native American ancestry. Instead, Warren will now focus on her one great-great-great-great grandparent believed to be from the Islamic world in order to claim the status of...
ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric
In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...
‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Satire News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy
News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...
Israeli-Palestinian Consortium to Sell Trump Wall
A Jerusalem-based joint venture has entered talks with the Trump administration to sell it the West Bank wall. The initiative follows repeated assertions by the President on Twitter that the wall is 99.9% effective. A spokesman for ‘Jew-Pal Barriers’ stated, “We don’t want to encourage cultural stereotypes, but apparently the guy is willing to pay $5 billion for this thing. And that buys a lot of goodwill, if you know what I mean.” “Don’t get me a wrong it’s a...
Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance
In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology, the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...
God lists “Mideast Peace” as New Year’s Resolution for 2019th Time
After another year of war between Middle East countries and factions, God has publicly tweeted that this year is going to be different. “2018 didn’t go as planned, but new year new me! In 2019 I vow that there will b no more mideast wars #resolutions #motivated” God immediately got to work, reading several informative BuzzFeed articles on how to keep resolutions. He then put together an elaborate Excel spreadsheet where he listed all current ongoing conflicts. “At first I was...
President Trump: “Is Syria Even a Real Place?”
President Trump has brought into question the entire existence of a country called ‘Syria’. “I mean I know the most about Geography, no one knows more. And I’ve never seen the place myself. ‘Whining Brett McGurk‘ says he’s been there. But he’s an Obama supporter so why should I trust him?” “I’ve travelled the most of any President, Mar A Lago, Bedminster, Mar A Lago again. And I don’t remember even coming close to a place called ‘Syria’. I mean...
Trump Asks ISIS to Pay for Mexican Border Wall
Growing increasingly desperate after Democrats refused to budget funding for his proposed wall on the Mexican border, US President Donald Trump has asked ISIS to pay for the wall. The request was revealed by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who posted a voicemail from Trump on his Facebook page. “Listen, Apu (sic), I really need you to send me about $5 billion to build this wall or I’m going to be in some real trouble. Actually, they already raised about...
General Flynn Invited to Saudi Consulate
Former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has received a last-minute invitation to attend the Saudi Arabian consulate in New York. “It really came out of the blue”, commented his lead defense attorney. “We were just in a huddle working out how we were going to avoid Mike becoming the prison ‘hand me round’ for the next five years, when we were passed a note with a personal invitation from the Crown Prince. We don’t know what it could be...
Trump Eyes Yair Netanyahu for Chief of Staff
In yet another administration shake-up, US President Donald Trump has been eyeing Yair Netanyahu – son of Israel’s prime minister – to be his new chief of staff after Yair said on Facebook he’d prefer if “all the Muslims leave” Israel. “Finally, someone who is not afraid to say exactly what I’m thinking,” Trump remarked after being read the 27-year-old Netanyahu’s Facebook post. “[Recently-appointed acting chief of staff] Mick Mulvaney, you’re fired! I found a new best people.” “When I...
Life after politics: 10 Job Possibilities for Netanyahu
It seems impossible but Benjamin Netanyahu will lose power one day. But supporters should not despair, as the Zionist pin-up has plenty of opportunities outside of Israeli politics: The Mideast Beast ran a poll asking readers what life after politics may hold for the current Prime Minister. Below are the top 10 answers. No official bodies sanctioned this effort and approximately 1 person, give or take, were polled. A model for GAP or Old Navy’s ‘New Senior Citizens Fashion Line’ Political advisor...
Qassam Rocket & Iron Dome Interceptor Begin Star-Crossed Love Affair
The political implications are as grave as the story is improbable. A Hamas Qassam-4 Rocket and an Israeli Iron Dome Interceptor have sent letters to their respective commanders declaring that they can no longer hide their love. “When I first laid eyes on her, it was the kind of thing that you feel deep in your fuselage,” said the Interceptor who prefers to go unnamed. “There was just something about her arc of flight that told me not to blow...