Politics
NYC Launches ‘See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Islamophobia’ Campaign
In an effort to revamp his city’s post-9/11 “See Something Say Something” campaign, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has announced a fresh “See Something, Confront Your Unconscious Bias and Consider How the White Supremacist Patriarchy Has Shaped what is Considered Suspicious” initiative. Posters with the new slogan will begin going up on billboards, trains and buses throughout the city, as de Blasio hopes to refocus threats of terrorism to spur New Yorkers to question their assumptions about Middle Eastern...
Eurovision PR: Come enjoy the ‘Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv’
As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to anti-Israel boycotts and in part to exorbitant prices. “Israel’s gay community is set to double when the entire European LGBT...
European Officials Claim Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”
Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun. Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year. Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is starting to take off, though most people cite increased anti-Semitic incidents. But it seems that European authorities have a different...
Activists Leave Birthright Trip to Protest Lack of Hot Israeli Soldiers
In another courageous protest against the occupation less than a year ago, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular, tan special forces commanders, but instead we got stuck with two skinny privates and some guy in the IDF’s IT...
Trump Angered to Learn That the Gaza Strip Has Nothing to Do with Strippers
President Donald Trump’s search for “the perfect deal” in the Middle East took an early blow when he discovered that the Gaza Strip has nothing to do with strippers. In a leaked recording by an aide, the President was heard reprimanding the Israeli policy on Gaza’s “pole and lap dancers”. Upon correction, the fury soon subsided, and disappointment took hold. “It’s been really hard work. I thought going to Gaza to see some strippers was going to be a nice...
Israel-Gaza Ceasefire Announced to Celebrate Royal Baby
Citizens in Israel and Gaza were grateful this week for an agreed ceasefire in celebration of the new British Royal Baby. Sources have confirmed that Hamas leader Khaled Mashal and Prime Minister Netanyahu met in person following their synchronized CNN blasts that Megan was indeed in labor, before formally announcing the brief hiatus this morning under the moniker Operation Silver Spoon. The meeting allegedly discussed whether the baby would be a boy or a girl, if they would be satisfied...
Confused Biden Touts Endorsement from Ben-Gurion
Days after mistakenly telling supporters that the late Margaret Thatcher had recently express concern about Donald Trump’s presidency, former Vice President Joe Biden announced that he has received the endorsement of former Israeli prime minister David Ben-Gurion. “Just spoke with Prime Minister Ben-Gurion – he gave me a ringing endorsement and said he’s very worried about this Nixon fellow,” the 76-year-old Biden tweeted. “As your president, I will work hard for all Americans and will bring Hirohito to justice!” A Biden...
ISIS Leader Admits Five-Year Disappearance Was Only to Avoid Avengers Spoilers
A week after finally re-emerging five years after his previous appearance, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi acknowledged that his time in seclusion was due not to his fear of Hellfire missiles but to avoid spoilers from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast that he had planned on remaining in the spotlight, but decided to live off the grid in 2015 after a fellow ISIS imam gave away the ending of Avengers: Age of Ultron during a Friday sermon....
Hamas Claim Rockets Are ‘Operator Error’
In light of the very “shooty” Israeli response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, Hamas and Islamic Jihad are claiming that hundreds of rockets have been fired “by mistake” and that they are simply “really clumsy.” “This is all one big misunderstanding,” said one terrified Hamas member crouching in an underground tunnel as Israel shelled targets above. “We never meant to fire any rockets. I myself tripped up on a rocket while I was herding sheep. It was lying...
Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers
Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest is an affront to all lovers of good music and taste. In all that’s holy, does anyone really think that...
Jesus Would Be “Totally Cool” With Our Climate Change Denial, American Evangelicals Insist
America’s Evangelical Christian community has insisted that Jesus Christ would be on board with their community’s politics which, despite some improvements, has long embraced climate change denial. “We’re confident that the Son of God and the shepherd of the world is going to be totally down with our wilful destruction of said world by supporting politicians who deny scientists’ unanimous conviction in the man-made contributions to climate change”, one spokesperson for the group said. “Firstly, obviously, the rationality of science should...
Kushner Peace Deal to Give Palestinians Trump Tower
In what the Trump administration is calling the most generous offer yet, Jared Kushner revealed that his Middle East peace plan will give the Palestinians a Trump Tower luxury apartment building in exchange for recognizing Israel. The deal would see a 95-story Trump Tower built in downtown Ramallah, with a casino going up next to the Church of Nativity in nearby Bethlehem. The Palestinians would be required to sign a peace treaty with Israel recognizing the country as a Jewish...
Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive
Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so he is...
Corbyn Holds Memorial for ‘German Reputations’ Lost in Holocaust
As people in Israel, and throughout the world, mark Yom HaShoah, or Holocaust Memorial Day, UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn issued a touching eulogy to the thousands of Germans who saw their reputations suffer under Nazi rule. “We can never forget the terrible tragedy of Europe’s concentration camps, where innocent Germans were verbally attacked simply for doing their jobs,” Corbyn said in a heartfelt speech. “Every citizen of the world can imagine the suffering of these poor guards, scientists and...
New York Times Hires Ilhan Omar as Anti-Semitism Sensitivity Advisor
Following backlash over a recent cartoon criticized as anti-Semitic, The New York Times has responded by hiring Minnesota Congresswoman Ilhan Omar to advise the paper on sensitivity towards Jewish readers. “Really, we had no idea that portraying Jews as dogs with giant noses could be viewed as offensive,” the publication said in a statement. “We decided that we need someone with an expertise in showing respect and decency towards Jews to help us avoid future cases of anti-Semitism.” The paper...
Following Anti-Semitic Cartoon, Hamas Invites New York Times onto Board of Propaganda
In the wake of the backlash following the publication of an allegedly anti-Semitic cartoon by the New York Times, the avowedly anti-Semitic Islamist terror group, Hamas, has issued an open invitation to the newspaper to sit on their board of propaganda. “We never thought we’d be awarding the New York Times such a prestigious role in our organization as we’ve always thought of them pretty Jew-friendly”, Hamas said in an official statement. “But then we saw this masterpiece of anti-Semitism...
Iranian Ayatollah Sends US Bill for Hair Loss Treatment
Saying that stress from American-led sanctions has led to early-onset hair loss, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has sent the US government a $2 million bill for hair loss treatment. Khamenei sent the invoice shortly after learning that North Korea requested a similar amount for the treatment of American tourist Otto Warmbier, who died after being released from North Korean custody in a vegetative state. “Our revolutionary regime has always prided itself on running roughshod over diplomatic norms, but this...
“Saudi Crucifixion” a Step Too Far for British Government
A British Government spokesperson has confirmed that “nailing them up” is very much where they draw the line when it comes to what’s “cool” in international relations. “We’ve kept quiet when our Saudi friends have indulged it a bit of hand chopping. I mean come on, you’ve got two. But we did make some disgruntled noises around the beheading business. Because everyone knows that is a serious curtailer of life. To be clear it was never as terrible as when...
Saudi Crown Prince Beheaded After Posting Avengers: Endgame Spoilers
In a sign that no one in the kingdom is truly above the law, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman has been beheaded after authorities say he posted spoilers to Avengers: Endgame. The crown prince was arrested following a tweet in which he stated, “Just saw the new Avengers movie, and I have to say, way to go Thanos!” Within hours of his arrest, police said he had confessed to the crime and agreed to his execution, one of hundreds...
Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter
Following the example of Ted Cruz – conservative US Senator and man that attempted to pass legislation that would ban jerking off – many teenage boys from Saudi Arabia have attempted to blame their inadvertent clicks on porn pics on Twitter and adult websites on household staff. Senator Cruz’s twitter account appeared to favorite a pornography account last year, but the blame has since been shifted onto his staffers. “This excuse is the first good thing to come out of...