Politics

Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police
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Syria Offers to Train “Woefully Undertrained” US Police

Syrian President Bashar Assad has offered his own country’s police force to train US law enforcement after experts said that it is “woefully undertrained” on using force. Assad, who has a soft spot for minorities, and their rights, spoke to The Mideast Beast about his concerns for America’s future. “It’s very crucial that US authorities quickly restore law and order,...

Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels
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Iran Signs “Proxy Alliance” with Seattle Rebels

Iran’s regime has reportedly signed a “proxy resistance alliance” with Seattle anarchist rebels. The generous and entirely altruistic offer came after Iran became the first country to officially recognize the newly declared state, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, (CHAZ). Iran is expected to open its new embassy in CHAZ after qualifying for Microsoft’s grants for “struggling low-tech entities.” Iran’s supreme leader...

Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues
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Taliban, ISIS to Advise Antifa on Destroying Statues

Calling the recent US trend of angry mobs destroying statues “inspiring but a bit amateur,” leaders of ISIS and the Taliban have agreed to send advisors to Antifa and other far left groups on how to erase historical artifacts. “Destroying all art, culture and history from previous eras is obviously constructive,” said ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi. “But they’ve got...

Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”
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Iran to Nuclear Inspectors: “Sorry, All Our Reactors have COVID-19!”

While the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) is responsible for inspecting all of Iran’s nuclear sites, the process has proven difficult, especially since the outbreak of COVID-19. What many nuclear inspectors have found surprising is the fact that every single nuclear site is reportedly testing positive for the virus, rendering them impossible to investigate. A chief IAEA nuclear inspector described...

NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods
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NASCAR Prohibits Drivers from Wearing KKK Hoods

Starting tomorrow NASCAR drivers will no longer be allowed to wear the white pointed hoods of the Ku-Klux-Klan to work. The decision was announced yesterday by the racing company’s CEO Jim France. The ban comes amidst a moment of reckoning over racism and white supremacy in the United States, and has upset many NASCAR fans and drivers. Jason Beans, a...

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”
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Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”

The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...

Palestinians Can’t Believe How Quickly CHAZ Achieved Statehood
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Palestinians Can’t Believe How Quickly CHAZ Achieved Statehood

With their own struggle for statehood going on 55 years, Palestinians told The Mideast Beast that they are shocked at how rapidly the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone, or CHAZ, has achieved independence. CHAZ, which covers several blocks of territory previously controlled by Seattle, was established earlier this week, with Seattle immediately withdrawing its forces and recognizing the zone’s independence. “Why...

State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’
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State Department Changes Seattle Threat Level to ‘Mideast’

Following the recent escalation of sectarian rifts in Seattle, Washington, the US Department of State issued a “Mideast level” travel advisory warning to the liberal-tech hub. “American citizens should use extreme caution and if possible avoid all travel to Seattle for the foreseeable future”, read the State Department memo. At a briefing to reporters a spokesperson said that Washington state’s...

Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party
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Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party

The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the images Ice Cube received a...

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
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Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....

Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie
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Colin Powell: I Miss Presidents Who Don’t Lie

Retired General and former US Secretary of State Colin Powell, who recently told CNN that President Donald Trump “lies all the time”, stressed, “I miss the days when America had an honest president who did not lie, like about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction and stuff like that.” Full of nostalgia, an emotional Powell spoke to The Mideast Beast. “There...

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

Netanyahu: Annexation Isn’t Breaking the Law, It’s Just “Socially Distant” From It

This week Israel’s High Court declared annexation of the West Bank as ‘Unconstitutional’, potentially putting a stopper in Netanyahu’s despotic pursuits.  However, never one to be deterred by minor rules, such as international law, the Prime Minister took a bold stance against the ruling, claiming that annexation is not “illegal”, it’s merely “socially distant from the law”. Much like his...

Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil
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Erdogan and Putin Officially Invite Trump to Join Axis of Evil

Democratic leaders and activists around the world have been quick to condemn President Trump’s advocation of extreme force to quell domestic protests regarding the murder of George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis policemen.  Not everyone agrees that Trump is in the wrong, with some world leaders even praising his decisive authoritarianism.  Two rock stars of the dictatorial world even...

Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”
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Khamenei Condemns Trump’s Human Rights Violations “Just to See How He Likes It!”

In a move that could be attributed to humanitarianism, but most likely stems from a ‘how’s it feel, asshole?!’ level of spite, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei of Iran has issued a statement condemning President Trump’s use of excessive force to quash peaceful protestors. “I just can’t believe,” he began condescendingly, “That in this day and age, a so-called democratic leader would...

Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT
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Taliban Leader Pissed his Op-Ed Didn’t Trigger Collapse of NYT

With staff at The New York Times in revolt and the editorial page editor leaving his position over the decision to publish an op-ed by a Republican senator, Taliban deputy leader Sirajuddin Haqqani said he is deeply offended that his own column just months earlier engendered no such response. “We helped Osama bin Laden carry out 9/11, then spent 20...

Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas
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Assad Blasts Trump for Stopping at Tear Gas

In a rare public statement this week Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad blasted Putin ally Donald Trump for only using tear gas on his protesting citizens. Although most leaders remained hesitant to criticize the “most powerful man in the free world,” for fear of international backlash, Assad took a bold stance against the US President and his use of force, specifically...