Politics

Anticipating the Rapture, Pence to Hold all Emergency Coronavirus Meetings in Jerusalem

Anticipating the Rapture, Pence to Hold all Emergency Coronavirus Meetings in Jerusalem

Vice President Pence has announced that forthwith all meetings of the coronavirus committee will be held in the new Jewish capital, just in case “this is the big one.” A spokesman for the Cabinet Member voted ‘most likely to ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven’ by CPAC four years running, commented, “This office is concentrated on reacting to this crisis by relying solely on advice from experts. By which we mean experts on the Old Testament. Who needs a virologist...

Joe Biden Speaks About Political Visions, Agrees That He Is “Creepy”

Joe Biden Speaks About Political Visions, Agrees That He Is “Creepy”

After Joe Biden’s win in South Carolina, The Mideast Beast sat down with Biden at his campaign headquarters for a talk about his visions for the US presidency if elected. “Well for starters”, said Biden, “I will save the remaining 150 million Americans who haven’t been killed by gun violence since 2007. We have a real crisis on our hands with more than half the population gone. Also, I would be the first president to appoint the first African-American woman...

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

MC Hammer to Lead Sanders’ Economic Team

Responding to criticism that his spending plan would result in a $25 trillion shortfall, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced he has appointed rapper and noted fiscal authority MC Hammer to serve as lead economic advisor. “It’s not a radical idea to say that every American deserves free healthcare, free education, and a summer camp,” Sanders said during a press conference. “But those racist, sexist billionaires at the Congressional Budget Office claim that my plan would bankrupt the country by my...

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, AOC Reacts

Farrakhan Mourns “Brothers” Soleimani and Qaddafi, AOC Reacts

Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, recently gave a speech in Detroit in which he called the Iranian Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and former Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi his “brothers”. “Mr. Trump killed my brother Qassem Soleimani. Mrs. Clinton killed my other brother Muammar Qaddafi,” Farrakhan said. The Mideast Beast sat down with US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC) from the Squad for reaction. “OMG you guys, I am shook!” AOC told The Mideast Beast, “I literally had...

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

EL AL to Offer Corona and Non-Corona Seating

Israel’s national airline, EL AL, is set to be the first airline to offer Corona and Non-Coronavirus seating, in a marketing move that is looking revive its sales following the Coronavirus outbreak. The airline industry is struggling to deal with the outbreak of the Coronavirus that has made hurtling through the air in a pressurized tube with 250 other filthy people even less desirable than it was before. EL AL in particular is struggling as Israel is the first and...

PLO launches Hijack-Friendly Airline for Harassed Terrorists

PLO launches Hijack-Friendly Airline for Harassed Terrorists

The PLO has launched the world’s first hijack-friendliest airline for harassed terrorists. The European-funded planes will be painted in stylish keffiyeh checkered patterns with a picture of the smiling pacifist fighter Yasser Arafat on the vehicle’s tail. The PLO initiative comes after Dana Ghazi Mustafa, a North Carolina woman, was harassed and arrested by “racist” FBI officials after innocently stating onboard a United Airlines plane: “I’m going to stab everyone on the plane then kill myself. I’m Palestinian! That’s how...

Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”

Elders of Zion: “Only 20% of Europeans Believe Jews Control the World? We Really Need to Up Our Game”

A new survey has found that only one fifth of Europeans polled in a survey of 16 European countries, among them Austria, Belgium, the Czech Republic, France, Germany, the United Kingdom and Poland, believe that a secret network of Jews – the Elders of Zion – controls global political and economic affairs. The findings of the survey caused immediate consternation among the Elders. The Mideast Beast sat down with the Jewish cabal at a secret location to talk about what...

Iranian Anti-Semitism Virus Outbreak, Sanders Condemns Israel’s “Racist” Ayatollah Entry Ban

Iranian Anti-Semitism Virus Outbreak, Sanders Condemns Israel’s “Racist” Ayatollah Entry Ban

Israel’s Ministry of Health has imposed a strict entry ban on Iranian ayatollah regime officials contemplating visiting Israel. The dramatic move comes after Iran’s supreme leader ayatollah Ali Khamenei and most of his regime officials were tested positive for the anti-Semitism virus – also known as AsV-2020– believed to be even more lethal than the rapidly-spreading coronavirus throughout the Middle East Bernie Sanders swiftly condemned Israel’s “racist” entry ban on ayatollah officials in an interview with The Mideast Beast. “As...

Sanders: “It’s Unfair to Say All Genocide Is Bad”

Sanders: “It’s Unfair to Say All Genocide Is Bad”

Bernie Sanders, who recently defended Fidel Castro’s Cuba, sat down with The Mideast Beast at one of his three homes, for a conversation about things that aren’t all bad. “I always like to keep an open mind and look at the bright side of every genocidal totalitarian regime,” Bernie told The Mideast Beast, as he lovingly stroked his cat Milosevic. “I mean take Stalin for example. So he killed around 20 million people or so, and we condemn that, but...

Sanders Vows to Pardon Harvey Weinstein After He Launches Literacy Program

Sanders Vows to Pardon Harvey Weinstein After He Launches Literacy Program

Senator Bernie Sanders is calling for a pardon for Hollywood sex offender Harvey Weinstein after the disgraced producer promised to launch a literacy program for Los Angeles residents. The move came after Weinstein, whose abuse helped launch the #metoo movement, was found guilty on charges of third-degree rape and criminal sex act. But Sanders, who is now the frontrunner for the Democratic presidential nomination, said his commitment to improving literacy outweighed the accusations by more than 80 women of sexual...

Saudi Textbooks Upgrade Jews from ‘Dogs’ to ‘Monkeys’, Trump Takes Credit for Warmer Ties

Saudi Textbooks Upgrade Jews from ‘Dogs’ to ‘Monkeys’, Trump Takes Credit for Warmer Ties

President Donald Trump has taken credit for reportedly warmer Saudi-Israeli ties. It comes after it was revealed that Saudi school textbooks lovingly refer to Jews as ‘monkeys’ and teach Saudi school kids that ‘Islamophobic Zionists’ plan to take over the Middle East from the River Nile to the River Euphrates. President Trump spoke to The Mideast Beast from his Mar-a-Lago golf course. “Honestly, nobody has better people skills than me. Half of America loves me, and the other half is...

Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God

Trump Says: No Other President Has Done More to Improve US Relations with God

An Iranian cleric in the Iranian city of Qom, where there has been an outbreak of the coronavirus, has accused President Donald Trump of “targeting” the city with the virus as part of the president’s earlier threat to strike at Iranian cultural sites. “The enemy wants to instill fear in people’s hearts and make Qom look like an unsafe city and to take revenge for all its defeats,” said Hojjat ol-Eslam Seyyed Mohammad Saeedi, the Friday Prayer Imam and Custodian...

ISIS Can’t Understand Why Sanders Hasn’t Praised It Yet

ISIS Can’t Understand Why Sanders Hasn’t Praised It Yet

Pointing to the Vermont senator’s support for dictatorships in Cuba, Nicaragua, and the Soviet Union, leaders of the Islamic State are bewildered that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has not yet said anything good about its caliphate. “He lavished praise on Fidel Castro, Daniel Ortega, heck, even Stalin. What do these brutal dictators have that we don’t?” ISIS leader Amir Mohammad al-Salbi pleaded. “He said that Castro’s authoritarianism was okay because he had a literacy program and provided everyone free...

Iran Offers Fresh Election Advice to Democrats Who Want to Get Rid of Bernie Sanders

Iran Offers Fresh Election Advice to Democrats Who Want to Get Rid of Bernie Sanders

Following Bernie Sanders’ victory in Nevada, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has offered – once again – his election expertise to the Democratic Party. “I know a thing or two about getting rid of unwanted candidates and so it is only natural that I should be reaching out to my good friends in the Democratic Party, who are now faced with a frontrunner that so many of them would like to dispose of,” the ayatollah told The Mideast Beast....

Jared Kushner Offers Sanders Campaign His Middle East Peace Plan

Jared Kushner Offers Sanders Campaign His Middle East Peace Plan

Presidential special advisor and cut-price WestWorld robot, Jared Kushner, has offered the Bernie Sanders campaign a copy of his latest peace plan in case the ‘Democrat’ wins power. Mr. Kushner was encouraged to ‘hedge his bets’ upon realizing the document would only need minor changes to make it palatable to Senator Sanders. A spokesman for the third most lifelike member of the Trump inner circle commented, “It turns out to be surprisingly easy to adapt the plan. We just needed...

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

New York Times Defends Publishing Terrorist Op-ed: He’s no Bret Stephens

The New York Times (NYT) is receiving criticism after it published an op-ed penned by Taliban leader Sirajuddin Haqqani last week. The editorial board is standing by their decision though as giving a voice to a new and controversial opinion but also because they had empty column space and “Tom Friedman is only good for so much gibberish per week”. The Times has regularly come under fire for publishing opinion pieces by enemies of the United States, and Tom Friedman,...

Palestinian Authority and Israel Offer Couples Therapy to Democrats and Republicans

Palestinian Authority and Israel Offer Couples Therapy to Democrats and Republicans

Concerned about increased divisions in American society, the Palestinian National Authority (PNA) and Israel are offering couples therapy to frustrated Democrats and Republicans, who cannot peacefully coexist. Mahmoud Abbas, the 15-year unofficial, unelected President of the State of Palestine, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “I am worried about the toxic intifada atmosphere in America. I can totally relate to people who dream about blowing up Trump Tower and moving the US Jerusalem Embassy debris to the Mediterranean Sea. However, that...

Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide

Hezbollah Offers Bloomberg Easier Route to Suicide

Hezbollah commanders have reached out to Mr. Bloomberg’s people this week, following his Democratic debate appearance, to offer tips on a faster route to martyrdom. A spokesman for the self-immolation experts commented, “Dear god, that was the worst performance we’ve seen since the Iraqi army in 1991. At least those guys knew when to run away. If his plan was to die on camera, then frankly we’re upset he didn’t reach out to us. It’s kinda of our thing. And...

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations. Infidelity-friendly Hollywood infidels can learn a great deal from Jihad-friendly Pallywood.” Self-described progressive singer turned Middle East expert John Legend...

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...