Politics
US Cuts Off Relations With Israel After Netanyahu Buys Trump a Peloton
In an unexpected crisis between two allies, the US has ended all diplomatic relations with Israel after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu bought President Donald Trump a Peloton exercise bike as a holiday gift. Netanyahu purchased the stationary bike after seeing an ad for the company, believing it would be a perfect way to thank the president for his administration’s support for Israel. But after unwrapping the bike, Trump sulked briefly before storming to his bedroom in the executive residence. “Two-faced...
Egypt’s Sisi Supports Trump’s Impeachment After Hearing that it is a ‘Coup’
Democrats’ attempt to impeach President Donald Trump has earned the support of Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, after Republicans described efforts to remove the president as “a coup.” “I was never a big fan of impeachment when it was a constitutionally mandated process to hold a powerful and divisive head of state accountable,” Sisi explained. “But a sudden, violent takeover of power by force? That I can get behind.” Leaders from across the Middle East were reportedly puzzled that Trump...
Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
It has been confirmed that President Trump used his recent visit to Afghanistan to order US Army commanders to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being displayed on the USS Eisenhower, we’ve realized that only massive military force can protect our sacred holidays....
Iran Mistakenly Cracks Down on Hong Kong Protests
Admitting they were completely baffled by a popular uprising that had nothing to do with the regime, Iran has mistakenly sent forces to crack down on anti-government protestors in Hong Kong. Although the protestors are demanding independence from the Chinese government, Iranian leaders said that recent demonstrations in Iran, Iraq and Lebanon had led the Ayatollahs to reflexively put down all pro-democracy movements across the Eastern Hemisphere. “Honestly, whenever we see masses of people on TV demanding their rights, we...
Human Rights Watch Praises Iran for Only Killing Shitty Civilians
Defending the Islamic Republic’s brutal crackdown against economic protestors, Human Rights Watch Executive Director Kenneth Roth praised the Iranian government for only killing civilians who were “really losers to begin with anyway.” “If reports are true, Iran’s record of only killing shitty civilians who weren’t contributing much to begin with is commendable,” Roth Tweeted. “It would be better if they didn’t kill anyone, but nobody’s perfect.” Roth, whose statement came after an earlier tweet praising Iran for not killing civilians...
Hamas Feels Betrayed as Israel Cheats with Islamic Jihad
Following the recent targeted killing of a high-ranking leader of Palestinian militant group Islamic Jihad, violence erupted as the terrorist organization and the IDF traded blows. While the media portrayed both sides as being victims of violence and extremism, it seems as if the true victim in this conflict has somehow been passed over: a heartbroken Hamas. Late last night the Islamist group-quasi government in control of Gaza took to the internet to express its sorrows, “It’s not like we...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat with the loss of its capital Raqqa, most of its men, and their ‘Chubby Caliph’, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. One of the last remaining ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve...
Bloomberg’s Mideast Peace Plan Gives $1m to All Non-Terrorists
In an ambitious blueprint towards an Israeli-Palestinian peace agreement, Democratic presidential candidate and former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg has proposed giving $1 million of his personal fortune to any Palestinian that agrees not to be a terrorist. Speaking at his campaign launch, Bloomberg said a final status agreement is possible if both sides have sufficient incentives, which he will provide from his $52 billion bank account. In addition to his stipend to Palestinian non-terrorists, Bloomberg would allow payouts to settlers...
Giuliani Offers to Take Fall for Netanyahu Too
Former Mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani has offered to admit to an Israeli court that he has been running a back-channel operation receiving money and gifts from wealthy donors without the knowledge of Prime Minister Netanyahu. A spokesman for Mr. Giuliani commented, “Rudy has already accepted that he will be the blood sacrifice for the latest episode of ‘Shit the GOP is ready to swallow’, so he thinks why not go for the two-for-one. And frankly what’s really worse?...
Chick-fil-A Begins Donating to Hezbollah in Effort to Please Far Left
After ending donations to two controversial Christian charities, fast food chain Chick-fil-A is looking to gain additional left-wing customers by instead giving the funds to Islamist militant group Hezbollah. Officials from the Georgia-based fried chicken joint privately called the decision a win-win. “These contributions have somehow increased our support among progressives, who see Hezbollah as a like-minded organization,” one Chick-fil-A executive told The Mideast Beast. “At the same time, we can continue doing what we love – giving money to...
Hamas Mistakenly Orders Gwyneth Paltrow BDSM Kit
In an embarrassing mix-up, the Palestinian terrorist group Hamas ordered hundreds of beginner’s BDSM kits from actress Gwyneth Paltrow’s gift guide, believing it was associated with the BDS, or Boycott-Divestment-Sanctions, movement against Israel. Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh initially appeared triumphant after making the $1,350 purchase. Haniyeh released a video in which he donned black leather restraints on his wrists and ankles and let UK Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn spank him with a matching paddle. “With Allah as our witness, we...
BDS Students Boycott Potential for Nuance
After a slew of protests at American colleges, the Students for BDS movement declared this week that boycotting Israel now includes blocking any potential for nuanced thought. In what’s being labelled “brave” by sociology professors across the country, Students have reached the pinnacle of non-violent protest: never causing any mental pain to themselves. Merely banning material things is too capitalist, and therefore the only true boycott is on thought. Also “thinking” itself can be pretty stressful. Middle East watchers have...
Erdogan Rounds Up ‘People’ Reporters After ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ Snub
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has begun arresting reporters for People magazine on terrorism charges after the publication once again passed him over for its annual ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ award. Within minutes of the magazine awarding singer and EGOT winner John Legend the honor for 2019, Erdogan’s forces had hauled away dozens of journalists and staff members, calling them enemies of the state. “These terrorists are trying to destroy Turkey and its citizens by stealing this award, which I clearly...
Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented, “It’s important that people appreciate that Mr Trump Jr. not only has unique insights into the world of politics but...
Former Al Qaeda Jihadist Disappointed He Didn’t Qualify for Veterans Day Sales
Calling it a “disgusting act of Islamophobia,” former Al Qaeda jihadist Mohammad al-Baktar, who now refers to himself as Martin Brown, was rejected from participating in any of his local malls’ Veterans Day sales. “I cannot believe that this is happening in 2019,” Mr. Brown said during an interview with one reporter from The Mideast Beast. “Back in Afghanistan I was promised the perks of martyrdom, which I guess is good after death. However, I came to the United States...
Bloomberg Prepared to Lead Israel
Former Mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has confirmed that in the highly unlikely outcome that his potential third attempt to become US President is unsuccessful he is more than willing to step in to lead Israel. A spokesman for Mr Bloomberg commented, “It’s clearly a longshot because we all recognize how amazingly successful independent candidates have been in presidential campaigns. Come on we all remember Perot and the other one……… However, if against all odds it doesn’t work out...
Trump Asks Turkey to Invade Mexico
Insisting that someone must do something about gang violence that now threatens US citizens, President Donald Trump has called on his Turkish counterpart, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, to send troops into Mexico. “These murderous gangs have been wreaking havoc on innocent families in Mexico and now America, and the only way to stop them is to confront them with overwhelming force,” Trump declared during a press conference. “This is a job for the best fighting force the world has ever known...
Warren Proposes ‘Jihad Tax’ to Defeat al Qaeda, ISIS
Insisting that there is no problem on Earth that can’t be solved by the right tax, Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren has proposed a “jihad tax” to wipe radical Islamic groups like ISIS and al Qaeda off the map. Her detailed proposal would create a system for taxing everything from suicide bombings and beheadings to hijackings and pipeline attacks. Terrorists would still be targeted in special forces missions, but SEAL Team Six will now comprise IRS agents instead...
Ecstatic Ariel Gold Announces Acceptance into ISIS
Days after returning from Iran, Code Pink national co-director Ariel Gold announced on Twitter that she has also been accepted into the Islamic State to lead the country’s Jewish outreach program. “I spoke to ISIS President Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi, and it turns out he has the exact same opinion about Jews and Israel as I do!” Gold tweeted. “And to think that some people call him anti-Semitic.” Gold promised to “keep an open mind” as she met with ISIS leaders...
Hamas Calls Weekend Rockets “Interactive Fireworks”
Following this weekend’s barrage of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, a Hamas spokesperson has stated they were simply celebratory fireworks. “I would like to clarify a misunderstood situation,” the spokesperson wrote on his Facebook timeline. “The Palestinian people were simply overjoyed about the past few months of calm. Some of our citizens were so happy that they had decided to launch celebratory fireworks, an interactive lightshow if you will. Interactive fireworks are a classic in Palestinian culture.” This wouldn’t...