Politics
Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World
As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of the social conservatism of the city which lies at the heart of the Islamic world. The poll organizers have admitted that the company they hired...
Hitler Furious at Trump Comparison
Hell, Near Tampa Florida – From the fiery depths of the underworld, the worst person in history sits steaming in his less-than-kampfy chair. But Adolf isn’t boiling as a result of his eternal punishment; rather he’s furious at being compared with the mango-Mussolini, the Cheeto-in-Chief, the President of the United States of America. “NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! How dare they compare me to zis nincompoop! Das Donald is an amateur compared to me! He can’t even properly deport illegals like I could. He’s...
Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi
Getting your ass flogged may sound like the latest sex trend, but in the Middle East, it most likely means you were caught being gay, and lucky you weren’t executed. So what is it like to be gay in Jerusalem, the epicenter of controversy and all that is holy (that’s what he said)? On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, Religious Gay Rights Activist, Nadav Schwartz, talks about the Rabbis who think gays are perverts destroying society, holding hands in public,...
ISIS Urges UK Labour Party to Tone Down Anti-Semitic Rhetoric
In a rare call for restraint from the terrorist group, ISIS’ leadership has criticized the UK’s Labour party for its anti-Semitic rhetoric, calling recent comments and online posts from the party’s leaders “a bit much.” “Listen, we hate the Jews as much as anyone, but you can’t just go around calling for Israel to be relocated to America, or saying Hitler was a Zionist,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told The Mideast Beast. “You have to show some sensitivity. Hell,...
Israel on Syria Chemical Expert Assassination: “Why Does Everyone Think It’s Us?”
In the wake of the assassination of Syrian chemical weapons expert, Aziz Azbar, Israel has been on the defensive about its alleged role in the affair. Numerous international press organisations and political actors have pointed fingers at the Jewish State for being behind the attack. “Why does everyone think it’s us?”, one Israeli government spokesperson protested. “First, who says there was any foul play involved anyway. It’s very common for cars to spontaneously explode, particularly in this hot weather we’ve...
Trump Botches Response to Erdogan, Bans Export of Turkeys
In a confused response to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s sanctions on American officials, US President Donald Trump announced a ban on the import and export of turkeys. Furious over news of Erdogan’s sanctions and the imprisonment of Andrew Brunson, an American pastor arrested in Turkey, Trump insisted that the US would boycott the fowl in retaliation. Advisors’ desperate attempts to explain that the Republic of Turkey had nothing to do with the large indigenous birds were in vain, as...
Eric Trump Detained by ICE
It has emerged that the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement has detained Eric Trump, alleged son of the President, at the US-Mexican border. Witnesses on the border recall seeing an ugly and ashamed collection of hair gel, which is believed to be Eric. “He wasn’t even trying to cross,” claimed and eyewitness. “He was just on the American side and his family kinda of just handed him over to the agents. It reminded me of when you see people abandoning...
“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event
“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...
World in Total Shock That Qatar’s World Cup Bid Was Corrupt
International observers have expressed complete shock and astonishment at news that has confirmed that Qatar engaged in black ops campaign tactics and broke FIFA rules in order to win the bid to host the World Cup. “Shocked doesn’t even cover it”, one FIFA spokesperson said. “We’re simply astounded that Qatar used former CIA agents and PR agencies to spread fake propaganda about its competitors. In fact, when it was originally announced that Qatar would be hosting the 2022 World Cup...
Baghdad Bob Says He’s ‘a Bit Worried’ About Giuliani
Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam, better known as “Baghdad Bob” for his outlandish claims during the US invasion of Iraq, told The Mideast Beast that he was “starting to get a bit worried” about former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani over his defense of US President Donald Trump. “Listen, I know that sometimes you have to stick your neck out in defense of your egomaniacal dictator boss, but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere,”...
Obama Urges Trump Not to Meet Iran without Preconcessions
With US President Donald Trump saying he would meet with Iran’s leaders “whenever they want,” former President Barack Obama is urging his successor not to sit down with the ayatollahs without first making a number of significant preconcessions. “The key to negotiating a successful Iran deal is to not come to the table until you’ve given in on at least one key point, ensuring that you’ve reduced your leverage and weakened your bargaining position,” Obama told reporters. “Heck, we promised...
Media Won’t Return ISIS’ Calls
Following its crippling defeat, and loss of its capital Raqqa, the Islamic State has really been missing the good old days of being the center of attention. An ISIS spokesman explained, “You know, before we got our butts kicked by a bunch of women and Shiites, everybody used to take us seriously. Russia Today, Al-Jazeera, The New York Times were all up on us 24/7, but they’ve all moved on. Now they’re all about Kim Jong-un and Trump, and they...
World Peace Achieved After Trump Runs Out of Cell Data, Can’t Tweet
Peace and prosperity have been achieved across the globe after US President Donald Trump ran out of data on his cell plan and was unable to use Twitter. The ensuing calm not only gave Americans a chance to catch their breaths but allowed world leaders to focus on solving their own countries’ problems. Within 48 hours, all conflicts had ended. “I was about to tweet something really bombastic about how we’re going to burn Israel in a wave of fire,...
If You Can Read This, Then There Is Still Freedom of Speech Online… For Now
Amazing podcast with Times of Israel’s Political Correspondent, Raoul Wootliff Click here to go straight to Sound Cloud Mark Zuckerberg might be Jewish, but Israel doesn’t want his social media monster online. Yep, turns out the government tried to pass a bill to take down freedom of speech one post at a time, which would make Israel the first democracy to enforce censorship on social media. But it was just a big mistake (add laugh track here), caught by Times of...
Donald Trump Frustrated with Generals Who Understand the Middle East
Washington D.C. — New leaks from the White House have revealed that the Trump Administration is fed up with generals who have strong understandings of the cultural, political, and historical nuances of the Middle East. One staffer (who wished to remain anonymous) told reporters, “President Trump is furious because Secretary of Defense Mattis told him that ‘Operation Turn Baghdad into a Parking Lot’ was not a viable strategy. I think it was actually Bannon’s idea, but Trump really had his...
Israel Tells Turkey, “You Went Full Hitler, You Never Go Full Hitler”
Israel has rebuked Turkey for going “Full Hitler” way too early into an argument the two were conducting early Saturday evening. The disagreement started, as it often has, over something Israel said it had heard Syria say about Turkey behind its back. “It was just your standard smack talk. You know, if you come over my border again I’m going to treat you like you were Armenian,” Israel commented. “However, we think Turkey was further down the bottle of Raki...
Elon Musk Lashes Out at Human Rights Groups For Ridiculing His Two-State Solution Submarine
Elon Musk, desperate to find a use for his newly constructed submarine which Thailand’s divers declined to use for their daring rescue mission, has invited further ridicule for his suggestion that his invention could be used to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. “Some say that PR stunts and loads of money being thrown at expensive toys can’t solve everything”, the billionaire engineering entrepreneur said in a statement. “Well, I disagree. Just look at Donald Trump and his golf courses. OK, bad...
Hamas Chief Says He Misspoke and Meant to Say He Sees No Reason Why Israel “Shouldn’t” Exist
Following rebuke from international observers for a speech in which he questioned Israel’s right to exist and called for her destruction, senior Hamas figure, Ismail Haniyeh, claims he misspoke and went before the press to say that he “realized there is some need for clarification”. “In a key sentence in my remarks I said the word ‘should’ instead of ‘shouldn’t’. The sentence should have been: ‘I don’t see any reason why that filthy Zionist entity of land thieves and child...
ISIS Leader Fired After Decade-Old Reasonable Tweets Resurface
The Islamic State’s board of directors has fired Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi after past tweets surfaced in which the cleric used reasonable language to make sensible proposals. “Good move by @alQaeda attacking Jews&Westerners first and leaving Shiites 4 later,” one 2009 Tweet read. “2 declare Caliphate and try to kill every1 immediately=very stupid.” Another offensive tweet, this one from 2008, read, “Killing infidels is enough – no need for brutal torture!” The most repugnant, however, appeared to condemn pedophilia, saying...
Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”
The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...