Politics
Iran Claims It Needs Nuclear Weapons to Fight Hurricanes
Following news that President Donald Trump had suggested using nuclear bombs to stop hurricanes from hitting the US, the Iranian regime is now insisting that its nuclear weapons program is in fact aimed at protecting the country from severe weather events. “We said all along that our nuclear program was peaceful,” Iranian President Hassan Rouhani told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, we were planning on building a nuclear bomb all along, but not to nuke the US or Israel. We just...
Imitating Bolsonaro, Al Qaeda Tries to Burn Down Arabian Desert
Envious that so much of the world’s anger has been directed towards Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro over fires in the Amazon Rainforest, al Qaeda has ordered its warriors to burn down the Middle East’s preeminent ecosystem, the Arabian Desert. Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri said in an internal memo that he hopes raging fires across the Arabian Peninsula will inspire the same type of outcry that the flames in the Amazon have, putting the terror group back in the spotlight....
ISIS Takes Responsibility for Amazon Fires
Calling it one of their greatest attacks, ISIS claimed responsibility (as usual) for the forest fires that are wreaking havoc across the Amazon rainforest. “Today, the caliphate celebrates a great victory over the world,” former Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi announced in a live broadcast Thursday morning. “We can attack New York, Paris, and even Bowling Green as our al-Qaeda brothers have done..but today we celebrate victory over the whole world!” Over the past several days, many news sources have taken...
Israel Picks Salman of Saudi Arabia as New King
Following high-level negotiations between Jerusalem and Riyadh, it has been confirmed that King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques will be adding Israel to his portfolio later this year. The decision was made following concern that President Donald Trump might actually proclaim himself regent with a view to turning the Golan Heights into a giant golf course and proclaim Gal Gadot his queen. A spokesman for the Jews commented, “Don’t get us wrong, we’re grateful...
Jewish Democrats Pledge Support for Trump to Prove Loyalty
In the wake of President Trump’s latest statements regarding the Jews and Israel, many Jewish Democrats across the United States have taken to social media to pledge their full support to the President and his administration. “If you want to vote Democrat, you are being very disloyal to Jewish people and very disloyal to Israel,” the President said. “It’s almost as bad as a Mexican voting Republican. Stupid!” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who has claimed in the past to have Jewish heritage,...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Furious After Banned from Salman Rushdie’s Birthday Party
Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei is calling for a complete boycott of Salman Rushdie after the novelist refused to invite Khamenei to his 73rd birthday party. Khamenei, who recently renewed a 30-year-old fatwa calling for Rushdie’s death, had planned to spend the birthday party lobbying for guests to carry out the death order. But those plans were halted when he was informed that he would not be let into the exclusive event. “This is so unfair!” a crying Khamenei said...
ISIS Doctor Loses License for Actually Saving Life
Calling him “disgraceful” and “an infidel,” ISIS spokesman Abu Hassan al-Muhajir has announced the disqualification of Dr. Abu-Bakhr’s license to practice medicine. The decision to revoke his license comes after the surgeon provided life-saving intervention to a little boy suffering from tuberculosis. “Abu-Bakhr intentionally defied the protocol set in place to prevent this type of incident,” the spokesman said. “How are we supposed to kill infidels if we can’t even kill a child!” This wouldn’t be the first time an...
President Trump Buys Yemen
Following the refusal of the Danish government to consider selling him Greenland, President Trump has set his sights on the Middle Eastern country voted “Most Bombable” five years in a row. A spokesman for the President commented, “Frankly we were just testing the waters with Greenland. But it was clear early on that there was a high risk we would just be adding a bunch of liberal sea level raising alarmists to the voting roles. And really who needs that...
Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban
In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been to Tel Aviv and let me tell you, the amount of indecent, sinful activity I saw there made me question the $38 billion dollars of...
Trump Agrees to New Israeli Settlements on Condition They Carry Trump Logo
Following rocky negotiations between US and Israeli officials about new settlements in the West Bank, President Trump has instructed his envoy to allow building to go ahead, so long as they bear a giant “Trump” sign on the entrance. “This might be the toughest deal ever,” commented the President “I’m not really up to speed with the complexities of the situation on the ground but I know that the Israelis can’t keep building settlements that don’t have my name on...
Tlaib’s Grandmother Furious She Must Keep Cooking, Throwing Away Food
While Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib’s on-again off-again plans to visit Israel and the Palestinian territories have roiled the US, the uncertainty has also caused untold aggravation for Tlaib’s grandmother, who has spent the past week cooking for Rashida’s expected visit. After staying up all night cooking Rashida’s favorite dishes earlier this week, Tlaib’s grandmother was forced to feed a week’s worth of maqluba to the neighborhood cats when she learned that Israel had banned her and fellow congresswoman Ilhan Omar from...
Anthony Weiner Distraught He Never Got to Befriend Epstein
Calling the deceased financier a kindred spirit, former US Congressman Anthony Weiner is reportedly distraught that he never got the chance to become friends with Jeffrey Epstein before his death. In a since-deleted Tweet, the disgraced New York politician complained that he was never invited to Epstein’s mansion, let alone his ‘orgy island’ in the Caribbean. While he hoped that this was an oversight, he admitted to being worried that he had done something wrong to not warrant an invite....
Elders of Zion Admit “It’s Only a Matter of Time Before Everyone Realizes, We Killed Jeffrey Epstein”
The Elders of Zion have expressed concern since conspiracy theories started doing the rounds following the apparent suicide of wealthy American financer Jeffrey Epstein “Obviously, such a wealthy well-connected man accused of serious criminal behavior ‘conveniently’ killing himself ahead of a trial which could have implicated other powerful people has lent itself to conspiracy theorists having a field day”, commented one official for the shadowy organization of ugly-nosed lizard people that control the world. “Sure, everyone’s having a good time...
Bronx Zoo to Ban Video Games After Hedgehog Attacks Woman, Steals Rings
The Bronx Zoo announced that it will no longer allow its animals to play video games due to concerns that the games are leading to violent behavior. The decision came after one of the zoo’s hedgehogs attacked a visitor and stole her rings after playing hours upon hours of Sonic the Hedgehog. Just days earlier, an Italian tourist was sent to the hospital after a gorilla struck him with an empty barrel. “We are clearly seeing animals acting out on...
New Report Shows Osama Bin Laden Was Killed in Accidental ‘Swatting’ Attack
Osama bin Laden’s death at the hands of US special forces was actually a freak accident after he was ‘swatted’ during an online gaming competition, a Department of Defense report has revealed. A spokesperson for the DoD confirmed, “The SEAL team located the bin Laden compound and killed the arch terrorist by sheer fluke. It turns out that Mr. Osama was engaged in an online Call of Duty competition under a false name from his bedroom when a rival gamer...
Saudis to Seek US Advice on Getting Enemies to Commit Suicide
Nearly a year after his bungling execution of Washington Post columnist Jamal Khashoggi drew international condemnation, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman is looking to his American allies for help in getting troublesome individuals to commit suicide. Bin Salman’s appeal for help came after billionaire financier and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his Manhattan jail cell after apparently hanging himself. Epstein’s death came amid speculation that he may implicate other powerful figures in the political and business world,...
Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister for-Life, Benjamin Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which exists on a wide spectrum as you have Israeli-Jews, Israeli-Arabs, and those weirdos with the hats. Misgendering us by using our deadname of ‘Palestine’...
Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria
Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...
ISIS Bans Gun Sales to People Without History of Violence
With the signing of landmark gun control legislation, the Islamic State has banned all gun sales to individuals with no history of violence, domestic abuse or mental illness. “While I believe strongly in the right to bear arms, there are certain people who should simply not own a military-grade weapon,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said as he signed the bill into law. “Too often, people are buying guns and then not using them to commit atrocities.” Baghdadi said that...
Iran Left Off Email Chain Re: Jared Plan for Peace
There have been red faces all-round the US State Department this week as a junior official confirmed that Iran had inadvertently not been included in the recipient list for the Jared Kushner peace plan. The revelation has provided a clear explanation for their recent saber rattling in the Gulf. They just hadn’t been made aware that all the problems had been solved. A spokesman for Mr. Kushner stated, “Well, doesn’t this explain everything? Even the fake news media has had...