Politics

Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement
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Al-Qaeda to Sue Antifa for Copyright Infringement

Saying that the radical leftist group had emulated both its look and political views without authorization, al-Qaeda announced that it is filing a lawsuit against the American “antifa” organization. “Listen, we were doing the whole ‘dress in black, cover your face and run around screaming about hating America’ thing 20 years ago,” Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda’s leader, told The Mideast Beast....

Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour
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Sanders Demands ISIS Pay Fighters $15 Per Hour

The ever-active Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is still at it, this time taking the ‘Fight for 15’ to what remains of the Caliphate, demanding that the Islamic State pay a living wage of $15.00 an hour to its mujahideen (Jihadis) in Iraq and Syria. “These fighters work very hard, very long hours, in a very dangerous job, and yet they...

Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court
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Biden Noncommittal on Launching Drone Strike Against Supreme Court

Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...

Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize
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Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize

After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...

US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan
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US Troops Suddenly Eager for Opportunity to Stay in Afghanistan

Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence.  While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...

Hidden Imam Diagnosed with Covid

Hidden Imam Diagnosed with Covid

The Hidden Imam, a messianic figure in Shia Islam said to have been in hiding since the 10th century AD, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani told The Mideast Beast. The Hidden One is considered both the political and religious leader of the Shia people. In Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei rules in his absence until...

Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead

Trumps Blasts Jesus for Taking Three Days to Rise from the Dead

Calling the central figure of Christianity “really overrated” and “frankly not that tough,” US President Donald Trump bragged that it took him less time to recover from Covid-19 than it took Jesus to rise from the dead. “Everyone makes a big deal about this Jesus guy. ‘Oh, Jesus is so brave because he rose from the dead.’ Sure, but it...

Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan

Israel Hands Off Jerusalem Administrative Duties to Erdogan

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again found himself at the center of a controversy, as comments made during a recent policy speech have forced the Turkish government to take over all administrative duties for the Israeli city of Jerusalem. Israeli officials ecstatically handed over control after Erdogan told Turkish lawmakers that “Jerusalem is our city,” an apparent reference...

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to honor Arafat and his contribution...

Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19
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Trump Asks Doctors if he Can Nuke Covid-19

Days after testing positive for Covid-19, US President Donald Trump has reportedly asked doctors if they can remove the virus from his body using nuclear weapons. “Look doctor, I have all these nukes. Like hundreds, maybe millions of them, and I mean really powerful bombs,” Trump reportedly told his physician after testing positive for Covid-19. “If we just dropped one...

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

Saudi Arabia to Cut Off Everyone’s Hands to Combat Coronavirus Spread

A representative of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) announced that the Kingdom will now be slicing off everyone’s hand as if they were thieves. The new policy, however, ensures that both hands will be removed, just as a precaution. The new law is being implemented to tackle handshakes, which can lead to furthering the spread of coronavirus. The...

UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate
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UN to Send Peacekeepers to Next Presidential Debate

In an effort to prevent violence and maintain order, the United Nations announced that it will send 5,000 armed Peacekeepers to Miami for the October 15 presidential debate. Peacekeepers will join the candidates, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, on stage to make sure bloodshed does not break out during the 90-minute debate. The soldiers have been...

Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match
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Erdogan, Khamenei to Resolve Azerbaijan-Armenia Dispute in Cage Match

Looking to avoid a proxy fight that would cost the lives of hundreds or thousands of soldiers and civilians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have agreed to resolve the dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan through a steel cage match between the two leaders. If Erdogan wins the match by either pinning his opponent or...

Khamenei Accused of Using Earpiece During ‘Death to America’ Rally

Khamenei Accused of Using Earpiece During ‘Death to America’ Rally

Opponents of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have accused the ayatollah of wearing an earpiece during his recent sermons so aids can remind the octogenarian to wish “Death to America.” Iranian dissidents and opposition leaders have noted that the 81-year-old Khamenei has often appeared confused in recent years and are demanding that a third-party inspector check the ayatollah’s ears for...