Politics
Did President Trump Just Kill Satire?
Are our leaders evil, stupid…or both? Whatever the answer, the world of satire has its hands full like never before. The newest episode of our podcast series sees the Editor of The Mideast Beast in conversation with Professor Sophia A. McClennen, who’s literally written the book on satire. They discuss satire in the age of Trump, why you shouldn’t worry too much about stupid people, and how to handle satire in a region where you can get hung for a...
Iran Claims Its Nuclear Warehouses Are Just Rug Factories
Following Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to the United Nations revealing the discovery of a ‘secret atomic warehouse’ in Tehran, the Iranian authorities have claimed that the facility was just a very large Persian rug factory. “You know, you need lots of security to protect rugs. Armed guards, barbed wire, electronic sensors and so on. You’ve all seen Aladdin. Thieves are mad for rugs. And lamps, you should see the precautions we have to have in place at the...
Amid Kavanaugh Hearings, Trump Suggests Appointing Darth Vader
After more women have come forth with allegations of sexual assault and misconduct against Brett Kavanaugh, Trump has doubled down, defending him. On Wednesday, he issued this statement to a baffled room full of reporters. “Sure, maybe he did some bad stuff, in the past, you know? Democrats are ridiculous. I could nominate somebody like Anakin Skywalker and they still wouldn’t vote for him. Anakin? Did he do bad things? I feel like he did some bad things?” This has...
Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords
One thing there’s no shortage of in the Middle East is narratives. In this region, where borders are violated more often than an apple pie by Jason Biggs, everyone’s got an idea about who did what to whom and when. Nowhere is that more true than between the nebulous borders of Israel and the Palestinian Territories – the Middle East’s Jim and Pam. As a result of these discrepant narratives, the warring parties have decided on an alternative to the...
Facebook Introduces Post-Graduate Requirement for Commenting on Arab-Israeli Conflict
In a blow to online experts everywhere Facebook has restricted the ability of users to comment on the Arab-Israeli conflict until they have delivered proof of at least four years higher education (six if you went to Tel Aviv University, cause we all know that’s just a party school). Facebook spokeswoman Sarah Bluestein said “we’ve discovered that while we are the perfect outlet for sharing videos of people falling down holes and anything to do with kittens, we are far...
Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”
JERUSALEM — Everything about Israel is complicated. Its milk comes in bags, its wars are short and yet never seem to end, and it’s a tech power house where you couldn’t find an iPod charger until like five years ago. So it should come as no surprise that some people are upset that the Jewish State gets an annual allowance from the United States, and this is especially true given the topic’s inclusion in the recently released Black Lives Matter...
Trump Shows ‘America First’ Leadership at UN by Cutting Lunch Line
In a remarkable display of diplomatic maneuvering, US President Donald Trump put his ‘America First’ agenda to the test by cutting to the front of the UN cafeteria line. Speaking to reporters afterwards he commented, “You know when I saw the lunch line, it was really long. I mean really long, believe me. Obama once stood here behind Angela Merkel, showing how weak and powerless he was. And people tell me he just ordered a salad. But I’m the leader...
Saudis Forced to Decide Between Hating Jews or Shiites
In light of Mohammad bin Salman’s decision to recognize Israel’s right to exist, the rest of Saudi Arabia has announced its extreme displeasure at being forced to compromise their hatred of Jews for their hatred of Shiites. Abdul Rahman Al-Sudais, the Imam of the Saudi Grand Mosque railed, “We have arrived at an extremely unfortunate position where we are being forced to ally with Zionist pig-monkeys in order to repel the infidel Shiite dogs. We resent the fact that we must set...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are beginning to worry. “It just seems like he’s reusing plot points that we’ve all seen before,” said one fan. It seems...
Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians
“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...
Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again
Saudi officials have expressed exasperation over claims that a senior aide to Prime Minister Netanyahu, David Keyes, has been getting all ‘grabby’ with the ladies. A Saudi spokesman commented, “Just when we were making such strides here in the Kingdom, what with all the driving and a vast decrease in stoning, then we get the Jews ‘not understanding boundaries again’, just like 1967. This is why we get you to cover up girls!” An Israeli government spokesperson said, “We’re hoping that...
Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...
Al Qaeda Demands U.S. Adopt Metric System
Calling it his group’s ultimate and final demand, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri released a message this week, threatening massive attacks against U.S. targets unless Americans immediately and exclusively begin using the metric system. “For years, we have fought against the American crusaders for their imperialism, their attacks on Muslim countries and their support for infidel regimes,” Zawahiri explained in the video. “But it seems like now ISIS has got that covered, so if the Americans will just adopt the...
Salazar Backs Off Claims She Founded PLO
Following her convincing win in the Democratic primary, New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar is walking back claims that she both founded the Palestine Liberation Organization and helped launch the First Intifada. Salazar, who first made headlines when her claims to be a Jewish immigrant from a working class family unraveled, looked to appeal voters on the far left by positioning herself as a leader in the Palestinian movement. “I just got so fed up with the Israeli occupation...
Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...
Assad Loses Support After Smoking Weed on Joe Rogan Show
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has seen his coalition crumble after the dictator smoked marijuana during an appearance on the Joe Rogan Show. Assad appeared on the popular podcast in an effort to broaden his support by acting more relatable. “People always see me as the politician, or as the soldier fighting ISIS or dropping chemical weapons on Sunni schoolchildren,” Assad said during the interview. “This will give listeners the chance to know Bashar the person, and you know what, I...
Putin Admits He Wrote Nyt Op-Ed
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been revealed as the anonymous senior official who authored a controversial New York Times op-ed saying he is working to thwart parts of President Trump’s agenda. “I do not regret my decision to install Trump as a puppet leader and I appreciate many parts of his divisive agenda,” Putin told The Mideast Beast in revealing himself as the author. “However, I do not want my legacy tarnished through my association with some of his less...
Paraguay Universally Praised for Creating Mideast Peace by Moving Embassy
Paraguay has been universally praised for bringing peace to the Middle East as Israelis and Palestinians reached a final peace deal and promised to end all conflict. Peace came shortly after Paraguay’s decision to reverse their Israeli embassy move by returning their embassy to Tel Aviv on the grounds that they wanted to “achieve a broad, fair and lasting peace in the Middle East”. “It was all because of Paraguay”, one United Nations official said in a press release. “We...
White House Communications Team Hires ISIS Leader al-Baghdadi
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accepted a position last week as an assistant to Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When asked what al-Baghdadi’s role would be, Sanders commented “He’ll just be fetching coffee, making copies, maybe being the next Attorney General, that kind of thing.” “He came into the job interview and just said ‘Look, I’ll be honest, most of my work experience involved murder, torture, genocide, but my old gig just didn’t work out and I was hoping you’d...