UN

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

UN Condemns Israel For Fallout at Korea Summit Yet to Even Happen

While nobody knows what the hell is going to happen at the upcoming summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the United Nations has already blamed Israel for the breakdown of the talks which are yet to occur. The latest UN General Assembly Resolution has declared that “the blame for the fallout at the summit yet to actually happen, the onset of World War Three and subsequent nuclear holocaust must squarely be placed on Israel.” Iran’s representative...

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean

Hamas Seeks Humanitarian Aid to Purchase a DeLorean

Hamas spokesman Marti Ibn Zvuv talks candidly with The Mideast Beast (TMB) about success, failure, and hopes for the past. TMB: With huge support from the UN and world media, you must be pleased with the outcome of your recent activities MIZ: Actually, we are still suffering.  Seems that we can’t put money into trying to destroy Israel and provide for our people simultaneously. TMB:  Why a time machine? MIZ:  Since the 2005 Israeli disengagement, our living standard has plummeted.  Frankly, we weren’t prepared to rule...

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were on Ambien when they fired them. “While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protestors earlier this month, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was Memorial Day Weekend and they were Ambien firing.” The council...

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister Says Israel Should Leave the Jedi High Council

Israel’s Defense Minister, Avigdor Lieberman, has refused to back down on his remarks last Thursday when he called for Israel to withdraw from the United Nations Human Rights Council, despite the fact that Israel is not a member of the council. Rather than admit his mistake, he doubled down and has released a further statement calling for Israel to withdraw her membership from numerous other international bodies. “Frankly, it is a disgrace that we are members of a whole host...

UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later

UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later

In a vote for an inquiry regarding the recent clashes at Israel’s border with Hamas-controlled Gaza, Australia voted against the resolution on the basis that “The UNHRC resolution pre-judged the outcome of an inquiry”.  Britain abstained from the vote on the basis that it could not support an investigation that ignored Hamas’s role, and any media coverage of the conflict might interfere with celebration of Meghan and Harry’s wedding.   UNHRC chief, Zeid Ra’ad al-Hussein (who has no ingrained bias against Israel), has responded...

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

Fake News Sites and the UN in Demarcation Dispute

GENEVA – In a surprise announcement today, editors of the largest satirical news websites have declared that they are forming a new international organization with the central mission of “maintenance of international peace and security”.  Following the UN decision to make Syria the head of their chemical weapons watchdog, just days after Assad’s alleged chemical attack in Ghouta, the conglomerate said: “Since the UN seems to be doing our job, it’s time we did theirs – it’s not like they’re...

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Declares Middle East a “Gun-Free Zone”

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, announced that the United Nations will assert its authority over the Middle East by declaring the region a “gun-free zone.” The announcement, effective immediately, intends to address the threat posed by armed groups, militias, rogue governments, terror cells, criminal networks, Israeli settlers, Israeli Merkava 3’s, Israeli Merkava 4’s, Israeli F-15’s, Israeli F-16’s, Mossad hybrid attack dolphins, Nerve Gas in Syria, Russian Mercenaries, the ‘totally in control’ Iranian Nuclear program, Premature Suicide detonations, Sinai Camel Pirates, Sunni...

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After 65 years in the heart of New York City, the UN’s Security Council voted on Israel as its next location. Many Israelis are thrilled at...

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

The United Nations has finally found a successor to Richard Falk for the position of Special Rapporteur for the Palestinian territories, naming actor and director Mel Gibson to the post. “When Richard left the position, we never thought we’d be able to fill his shoes,” a UN source explained to The Israeli Daily. “The guy thinks 9/11 was an inside job and called Khomeini a moderate, where do we find someone like that? But then we saw Passion of the...