Danny Nash

Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.

 

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews.  Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell.  Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

Israeli Scientists Pioneering New Jetpack that Doesn’t Just Leave Your Stupid Legs Dangling

HAIFA- Engineers at the Technion (Israel Institute of Technology), have announced their intention to solve one of the greatest hurdles to everyday travel by jetpack.  With the popularity of Iron Man and the Marvel Cinematic Universe, an increasing number of individuals and companies have attempted to build working jetpacks.  But regardless of their fuel efficiency, potential speed, or likelihood of killing you in a fiery epic faceplant, they all invariably run into the same problem. You just can’t seriously laugh in...

With Latest Corporate Merger, Israel Becomes Subsidiary of Evangelical Christian Right, Inc.

With Latest Corporate Merger, Israel Becomes Subsidiary of Evangelical Christian Right, Inc.

Since its founding in 1948, Israel has proudly declared itself the “Homeland of the Jewish People.” That title will now undergo some workshopping as a result of the merger announced yesterday. As part of the deal, Evangelical Christians will allow Israel to retain the famous “Jewish State” brand due to its commercial popularity, but all profit generated by that brand will be funneled into the machinery of the larger entity of the Evangelical Christian Right (ECR).  “We didn’t pursue this merger...

Jews, Nazis Agree: Trump’s Migrant Detention Centers Not Concentration Camps

Jews, Nazis Agree: Trump’s Migrant Detention Centers Not Concentration Camps

NEW YORK – In a rare joint statement released today, groups of American Jews and Neo-Nazis declared in one voice, “the strongly held conviction that the detention facilities currently housing migrant children on the Southern border do not qualify as ‘concentration camps’ by any historical standard we recognize.”  Controversy surrounding the detention centers came to a crescendo in recent days as prominent public figures, including Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex, referred to the facilities as “concentration camps.”  Reports of children being taken...

“When You Make Generalizations about Muslims, All 1.6 Billion Muslims Are Offended,” Says Apologist with Tenuous Grasp on Concept of Irony

“When You Make Generalizations about Muslims, All 1.6 Billion Muslims Are Offended,” Says Apologist with Tenuous Grasp on Concept of Irony

The question of what constitutes an offensive remark about minority groups continues to plague us in somewhat the same way Miley Cyrus’ twerking most often results in involuntary vomiting.  Muslims are often cited as being among the most easily offended people, in what has become a close race with hipsters, old-timey Southern women who say, “well, I never!” and Donald Trump who has skin as thick as Kanye.  And while it remains obvious to most people that not all Muslims can...

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Trump Vows to Make Iran Pay for Associating with U.S. Enemies Like European Union and Barack Obama

Trump Vows to Make Iran Pay for Associating with U.S. Enemies Like European Union and Barack Obama

Over the course of his campaign, President Trump made it clear that he intended to deal with the Iranian regime by utilizing the same skills he used to pay someone else to write The Art of the Deal.  But a few years on, he has discovered that the Iranian regime won’t just follow your lead like a piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe while boarding Air Force One.  Sources have indicated that tensions with Iran are intensifying, making...

Alabama Court Finds Woman Guilty of “Unlawfully Imprisoning” Unborn Child Inside Womb

Alabama Court Finds Woman Guilty of “Unlawfully Imprisoning” Unborn Child Inside Womb

In a stunning ruling this week, an Alabama court has decided to make two simultaneous statements, one about the rights of fetuses as they relate to the rights of the women carrying them, and the other about the rights of States as they relate to common sense, the equality of women, and the general progress of civilization.  The lawsuit was brought against Alabama native Jessica Stevens, 28, and was orchestrated by the ultra-conservative group, Born Americans for Unborn Patriots.  The...

European Officials Claim Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”

European Officials Claim Spike in Anti-Semitism Due to “Reading Chart Upside-Down”

Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun.  Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year.  Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is starting to take off, though most people cite increased anti-Semitic incidents.  But it seems that European authorities have a different...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition

Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition

JERUSALEM – At a surprise press conference today, the Israeli Prime Minister stood at the podium, with the visage of a pointy-headed ghoul standing adjacent to him.  But luckily for Bibi, this time the looming presence behind him wasn’t the Israeli attorney general carrying a bag full of indictments.  Instead, it was none other than Rita Repulsa, would-be conqueror of Angel Grove, sharing the stage with the Prime Minister.  And as the villainous, criminal, aspiring iron-fisted ruler prepared to speak...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments, and corporations that Israel is worth thinking about in their spare time. Though with the attempt at boycotting Matisyahu (a...

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Today, incumbent Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a statement directed at his electorate on the topic of his possible reelection. While most news agencies were focused on the Prime Minister’s apparent renege on his previous commitment to a two state solution with the Palestinians, we were more interested in something he alluded to later on. “I find that the best way to enshrine democracy is to become a de facto monarch,” Netanyahu said in his speech. Netanyahu currently ranks as...

Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp

Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp

“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded.  The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence.  “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.”  The Israeli court decided that the pair...

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to flee once it became apparent that the jets were dropping flyers containing interesting trivia. Flyers taught readers that Mozart first...

Palestinians Approach UN Seeking ‘Top Billing’ in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Palestinians Approach UN Seeking ‘Top Billing’ in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

A delegation representing the Palestinian Authority has appeared before UN leadership requesting the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to be renamed. As PA representative Mahmoud Said told the UN, “For too long, we’ve been told that we don’t deserve top billing in this conflict. For too long, our children have grown up in a world where they are billed second to the Zionists. Don’t they deserve to live in a world where their biggest problem is the ‘Palestinian-Israeli Conflict?’” According to Said, the...

Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals

Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals

While claims of wrongdoing on the part of the Jewish State are not at all rare coming from Muslim nations, many maintain a “we’ve heard it all” mentality towards the claims.  And though excuses may be like assholes, in that everyone has one and they all stink, accusations of Israeli crimes are more like Halal food farts – not all of them come from Muslims, but the majority tend to.  Today the world finally heard a new accusation voiced by...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...