Danny Nash

Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.

 

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition

Israel Will Never Be a Country For Zordon, nor for the Power Rangers,” Declares Netanyahu in Bid to Add Rita Repulsa to Knesset Coalition

JERUSALEM – At a surprise press conference today, the Israeli Prime Minister stood at the podium, with the visage of a pointy-headed ghoul standing adjacent to him.  But luckily for Bibi, this time the looming presence behind him wasn’t the Israeli attorney general carrying a bag full of indictments.  Instead, it was none other than Rita Repulsa, would-be conqueror of Angel Grove, sharing the stage with the Prime Minister.  And as the villainous, criminal, aspiring iron-fisted ruler prepared to speak...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments, and corporations that Israel is worth thinking about in their spare time. Though with the attempt at boycotting Matisyahu (a...

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Netanyahu: “I Can’t Make Sure Israel Stays a Democracy Unless You Make Sure I’ve Been in Charge of it For Twenty Percent of its Existence”

Today, incumbent Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu made a statement directed at his electorate on the topic of his possible reelection. While most news agencies were focused on the Prime Minister’s apparent renege on his previous commitment to a two state solution with the Palestinians, we were more interested in something he alluded to later on. “I find that the best way to enshrine democracy is to become a de facto monarch,” Netanyahu said in his speech. Netanyahu currently ranks as...

Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp

Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp

“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded.  The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence.  “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.”  The Israeli court decided that the pair...

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Gazans Flee As Israel Drops ‘Knowledge Bombs’ on the Gaza Strip

Did you know that Florida is the only place on Earth where you can find both alligators and crocodiles? If you lived in the Gaza Strip, you would. This was just one Israeli knowledge bomb dropped on the small Palestinian territory in the last few days. Gazans fled in terror as they heard Israeli fighter jets approaching, and continued to flee once it became apparent that the jets were dropping flyers containing interesting trivia. Flyers taught readers that Mozart first...

Palestinians Approach UN Seeking ‘Top Billing’ in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Palestinians Approach UN Seeking ‘Top Billing’ in Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

A delegation representing the Palestinian Authority has appeared before UN leadership requesting the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to be renamed. As PA representative Mahmoud Said told the UN, “For too long, we’ve been told that we don’t deserve top billing in this conflict. For too long, our children have grown up in a world where they are billed second to the Zionists. Don’t they deserve to live in a world where their biggest problem is the ‘Palestinian-Israeli Conflict?’” According to Said, the...

Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals

Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals

While claims of wrongdoing on the part of the Jewish State are not at all rare coming from Muslim nations, many maintain a “we’ve heard it all” mentality towards the claims.  And though excuses may be like assholes, in that everyone has one and they all stink, accusations of Israeli crimes are more like Halal food farts – not all of them come from Muslims, but the majority tend to.  Today the world finally heard a new accusation voiced by...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...

Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords

Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords

One thing there’s no shortage of in the Middle East is narratives.  In this region, where borders are violated more often than an apple pie by Jason Biggs, everyone’s got an idea about who did what to whom and when.  Nowhere is that more true than between the nebulous borders of Israel and the Palestinian Territories – the Middle East’s Jim and Pam. As a result of these discrepant narratives, the warring parties have decided on an alternative to the...

Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”

Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”

JERUSALEM — Everything about Israel is complicated. Its milk comes in bags, its wars are short and yet never seem to end, and it’s a tech power house where you couldn’t find an iPod charger until like five years ago. So it should come as no surprise that some people are upset that the Jewish State gets an annual allowance from the United States, and this is especially true given the topic’s inclusion in the recently released Black Lives Matter...

Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are beginning to worry. “It just seems like he’s reusing plot points that we’ve all seen before,” said one fan. It seems...

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews.  Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell.  Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...

Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel

Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel

“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’. From Israel’s heroic or genocidal founding, to its open or oppressive society, and even to its inclusive or racist culture,...

With Nation-State Bill, Israeli Lawmakers Seek to Topple Warsaw Ghetto as Largest ‘For Jews’ Territory in History

With Nation-State Bill, Israeli Lawmakers Seek to Topple Warsaw Ghetto as Largest ‘For Jews’ Territory in History

Amid a level of controversy normally reserved for deciding whether to raise or lower White House flags in honor of dead Senators, the Knesset passed a bill declaring Israel the nation-state of the Jewish people. Even with tensions running higher than a Birthright kid who just hiked up Masada while smoking a joint, The Mideast Beast has learned that all the hullabaloo may be misplaced.  According to government sources, both fears about Israel losing its Jewish character and about forcefully...

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks.  But dreams are easily crushed.  As news that French officials forced a Burkini clad women to undress at the beach spread throughout the galaxy,...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....