Danny Nash

Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.

 

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Saudi Arabia Achieves Decisive Victory Over Yemen’s Civilians

Following months of airstrikes over the embattled country of Yemen, Saudi Arabia has finally declared victory. “We could not allow this type of unrest to grow on our border,” announced Saudi military leaders. “We will prevail. Houthis, Al Qaeda, non-violent women and children, soon they’ll all submit to the might of the Saudi military.” RELATED: Reporters Disappointed that Yemen Just Always Looked Like That Claims of civilian fatalities seem to be far from unusual, but the real crisis is in the destruction...

Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords

Israelis, Palestinians Sign “Agree to Disagree” Accords

One thing there’s no shortage of in the Middle East is narratives.  In this region, where borders are violated more often than an apple pie by Jason Biggs, everyone’s got an idea about who did what to whom and when.  Nowhere is that more true than between the nebulous borders of Israel and the Palestinian Territories – the Middle East’s Jim and Pam. As a result of these discrepant narratives, the warring parties have decided on an alternative to the...

Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”

Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”

JERUSALEM — Everything about Israel is complicated. Its milk comes in bags, its wars are short and yet never seem to end, and it’s a tech power house where you couldn’t find an iPod charger until like five years ago. So it should come as no surprise that some people are upset that the Jewish State gets an annual allowance from the United States, and this is especially true given the topic’s inclusion in the recently released Black Lives Matter...

Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Fans Fear God Can’t Think of Ending For Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Popular author, God, has millions of fans all over the world. They literally worship the ground he walks on, and his best-selling books have sold hundreds of millions of copies. For years, God’s fans have reveled in the ongoing drama of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The action packed and dramatic saga has been popular news for decades. However some fans are beginning to worry. “It just seems like he’s reusing plot points that we’ve all seen before,” said one fan. It seems...

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews.  Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell.  Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...

Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel

Pro and Anti-Israel Groups Agree: You Need to Spend More Time Thinking about Israel

“Just think about all of the things Israel does, and you’ll know how to feel about the state!” Interestingly, this claim could have been made by either side of the “Israel is great v. Israel is terrible” debate. Pro-Israel activists and anti-Israel activists disagree on nearly every point, interpreting every fact as supporting their position over that of their rivals’. From Israel’s heroic or genocidal founding, to its open or oppressive society, and even to its inclusive or racist culture,...

With Nation-State Bill, Israeli Lawmakers Seek to Topple Warsaw Ghetto as Largest ‘For Jews’ Territory in History

With Nation-State Bill, Israeli Lawmakers Seek to Topple Warsaw Ghetto as Largest ‘For Jews’ Territory in History

Amid a level of controversy normally reserved for deciding whether to raise or lower White House flags in honor of dead Senators, the Knesset passed a bill declaring Israel the nation-state of the Jewish people. Even with tensions running higher than a Birthright kid who just hiked up Masada while smoking a joint, The Mideast Beast has learned that all the hullabaloo may be misplaced.  According to government sources, both fears about Israel losing its Jewish character and about forcefully...

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks.  But dreams are easily crushed.  As news that French officials forced a Burkini clad women to undress at the beach spread throughout the galaxy,...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Military sources have confirmed rumors that a covert operation resulted in a number of their guys being killed in combat by a group of our guys. According to initial reports, a small group of their guys was engaged in the kind of shenanigans that our government has warned against. In response to the shenaniganizing in our territory, our government decided to send a bunch of our guys in to make sure that their guys couldn’t hurt our people just to...

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses.  Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or offensive language.  Many universities have, like a guy who buys a tiger because he thinks it’ll make a stylish sofa,...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this revolutionary idea is coming from. “I think it’s really logical actually.” Goldstein explained, “Everyone loves to play the blame game...

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. What many people don’t know...

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji faces, it just made sense to extend that inclusiveness to different religions as well.”  And while many have applauded the...

New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance

New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance

UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other.  Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international stage for generations,” an anonymous UNESCO source told TMB.  “But recently a number of member states have decided that that...