Danny Nash

Danny grew up on a small family farm in downtown Manhattan, New York. Like Jesus, he was raised by his mother because, also like Jesus, his father was always busy working. He studied the Gladiatorial Arts at the University of Phoenix before dropping out to pursue a career in music. He was one of the original members of One Direction, but was asked to resign for being, ‘too drunk.’ If you ask him though, he left of his own accord because he didn’t want to be in a band with, “a bunch of stupid jerks.” After hitting rock bottom, he took an interest in politics and began writing for The Mideast Beast. He literally can’t remember any other part of his life. He is also smarter than you and everyone you’ve ever known.

 

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

Jewish Conspiracy Theorists Claim Non-Jews Control Global Politics, Media, Banks

“I mean, just look around. Open your eyes people!” Steven Goldstein told The Mideast Beast (TMB). Goldstein, a self-proclaimed, tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist from south Florida, requested a meeting with TMB to discuss one of his newest theories. “They’re controlling everything. You think you’re a unique individual? Wrong. You’re just a cog in their world domination machine. Your whole life, all your efforts are just fuel for their continued rule.” Goldstein is referring to non-Jews, who he believes control the world’s...

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

Introduction of Niqab Emojis Causes Mass Online Confusion

“What emotion are they feeling?!” asked a befuddled Twitter user earlier today following the release of a new emojis series from Apple. Featuring niqab-clad faces displaying a wide range of emotions for users to choose from, the new emojis came with a statement from Apple, explaining the additions. According to the tech giant, “After we introduced more racially sensitive emoji faces, it just made sense to extend that inclusiveness to different religions as well.”  And while many have applauded the...

New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance

New UNESCO Resolution Challenges Agency’s Historic Connection to Relevance

UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other.  Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international stage for generations,” an anonymous UNESCO source told TMB.  “But recently a number of member states have decided that that...

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Clinton: I’m as Qualified as Any Male Candidate to Fail at Solving Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications.  Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet again.  The number one concern seems to be the assumption that a female President can’t or won’t be as tough...

CIA Asks Trump to Destroy ISIS the Same Way He’s Done to the Republican Party

CIA Asks Trump to Destroy ISIS the Same Way He’s Done to the Republican Party

With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support.  Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with most experts agreeing that Trump has, like a tapeworm with a stick of dynamite, successfully destroyed the GOP from the...

Female ISIS Prisoners Unsure Whether They’d Be Better or Worse Off with Trump Win

Female ISIS Prisoners Unsure Whether They’d Be Better or Worse Off with Trump Win

IRAQ – Territory controlled by ISIS is a bit like a seedy strip club, nobody inside really wins, but it’s especially bad for the women there.  As more information leaks out of the caliphate the world is finding out how dysfunctional and unhealthy it is on the inside, just like the souls of men in that strip club. With the U.S. Presidential election looming, the world is watching with baited breath to see which candidate, and thus which strategy to...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered Jews.  Oh, also, you’re hungry as hell.  Because you can’t eat. For 25 hours. What we’ve just described is the...

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

Mideast Analysts Begin to Ask the Question, “What If Everyone Just Chilled the Fuck Out?”

The questions usually asked whenever conflict erupts in the Middle East are, “How can we stop this?”, Who started it?” or “Again, really?” But now, some Middle East analysts are starting to ask an entirely new question: “What if everyone just ‘chilled the fuck out’?” We spoke with Ezra Goldstein, head of a Washington DC based think-tank, about where this revolutionary idea is coming from. “I think it’s really logical actually.” Goldstein explained, “Everyone loves to play the blame game...

Minister of Parliament: Israel “Not Expanding,” State is Just “Big Boned”

Minister of Parliament: Israel “Not Expanding,” State is Just “Big Boned”

Earlier today, when confronted with the question of why Israel has been expanding settlements in the West Bank recently, Knesset MP Yaron Cham responded with a novel answer.  He claims that contrary to what many people say about Israel, the state isn’t expanding.  Rather, Israel is just “big boned.” Furthermore, MP Cham seems to be offended at the very notion, maintaining that “big bones” are nothing to be ashamed of. RELATED: In Exclusive Interview, Israel Says “I’m Ready to Expand a...

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study Shows

The sinking of an ‘unsinkable ship’ always raises suspicion, and where there is suspicion, there is the ZIONIST PLOT. It permeates everything we do, only noticed by those who pay attention. The story of the Titanic is one of the best told and well known in the entire world. Despite being ‘unsinkable’, on April 14, 1912, the Titanic ‘accidentally’ struck an iceberg, killing 1,517 passengers. The Titanic never reached its destination. Because of THE ZIONISTS. RELATED: Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood:...

UN Commission Finds Jews to Be “Only Ethnic Group That Doesn’t Really Belong Anywhere”

UN Commission Finds Jews to Be “Only Ethnic Group That Doesn’t Really Belong Anywhere”

The “Jewish Question” is a lot like the Kardashians – a lot of people have tried to understand what all the fuss is about, but no one seems to have a 100% convincing explanation. Recently however, the United Nations tasked a commission with finally answering the question of “where all these damn Jews are coming from, and where do they belong?”  After several months and following an investigation rivaling those of Encyclopedia Brown himself, the Commission has released its findings. “Jews,”...

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’

Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately.  Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.”  Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...

Saudi Arabian Company Introduces Dual Purpose Burka-Body Bag

Saudi Arabian Company Introduces Dual Purpose Burka-Body Bag

“Are you tired of having to buy cumbersome and expensive body bags after finishing an honor killing?” Asks a new Saudi Arabian commercial, “then you need the Burkbody Bag!” Honor killings are, much like Bill Cosby, a disturbing reality for too many women across the world. And while this type of murder is viewed by the international community as being as anachronistic as ruling kings and queens, the Muslim world has both in spades.  So much so, it seems, that...

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s S**t Out of Luck

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s S**t Out of Luck

TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks.  But dreams are easily crushed.  As news that French officials forced a Burkini clad women to undress at the beach spread throughout the galaxy,...

Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”

Netanyahu: Military Aid from U.S. “Allows Jews to Defend Themselves Without Relying On Outsiders”

JERUSALEM — Everything about Israel is complicated. Its milk comes in bags, its wars are short and yet never seem to end, and it’s a tech power house where you couldn’t find an iPod charger until like five years ago. So it should come as no surprise that some people are upset that the Jewish State gets an annual allowance from the United States, and this is especially true given the topic’s inclusion in the recently released Black Lives Matter...

Israeli Wrestler Takes Olympic Gold Without Winning Single Match After All Muslim Opponents Forfeit

Israeli Wrestler Takes Olympic Gold Without Winning Single Match After All Muslim Opponents Forfeit

RIO DE JANEIRO- The Olympics, like Black Friday at Macy’s, are thought of as a place where people fight each other for pieces of jewelry, regardless of their race or ethnicity. But, this normally pure pursuit has been marred by some classic, middle school bullying.  So far, Lebanese athletes refused to share a bus with Israelis athletes, and Saudi and Syrian competitors have quit rather than face off against Israeli counterparts.  But, as they say, every cloud has a silver...

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

Trump Campaign Warily Monitors Athletic Ability of Mexican and Syrian Olympic Athletes

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL –  While the rest of the world revels in the spectacle of the Olympic games, and quakes in fear of the Zika virus coming home with their athletes, one group is engrossed in the competition for an entirely different reason. “I’m so glad I planned it this way,” Donald Trump told his staff this week, “I’m such a genius for scheduling the election right after the Olympics.”  Given that to the outside world, this statement seemed as crazy as anything else Trump...