Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

Jesus Admits He Always Preferred Passover to Easter

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus of Nazareth has confirmed what many Christians have feared for centuries: Passover is a way cooler holiday than Easter. “I just like how Passover is all organized with a manual for dummies and all,” said the former failed carpenter-turned-shepherd of salvation. “Easter is just very haphazard, even I can’t keep track of half the things you’re supposed to be doing. Also, why is there a rabbit? Seriously, who made that shit...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

Trump Promises to Send Syrian Refugees ‘Back to Mexico’

With U.S. political leaders debating whether to accept thousands of Syrian refugees, President Donald Trump unveiled a new proposal to “send those Arabs back to Mexico where they belong.” While details were vague, Trump’s proposal called for all four million Syrian refugees to be sent “back” to Mexico immediately and for a giant wall to be built along Syria’s borders to stop any more refugees from leaving the country. “Syria isn’t sending its brightest. They’re sending jihadists, they’re sending rapists,...

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

John Kerry Drunk Dials Nobel Prize Commission Following New WikiLeaks Documents

New WikiLeaks documents show that, in 2016, after the Nobel prizes were announced, John Kerry made several late-night phone calls to members of the awarding committee as well as multiple late night drunk texts. Mr. Kerry had high hopes for being remembered for something other than being the guy who lost to George W. Bush fair and square; he set his sights first on the Arab-Israel conflict, which ended in a war in summer 2014, and then on the Syrian...

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

Yemen to Trump: “Look, Just Make us an Offer”

The collective population of Yemen has contacted President Trump offering him the opportunity to discuss ‘creative’ solutions to his travel ban woes. In an open letter, the 24.4 million Yemenis stated, “Look, clearly this whole writing up Executive Orders with a life expectancy higher than an Afghan wedding party on ‘drone strike Tuesdays’ is too much for you. But, as we only have a GDP per capita of 1,400 bucks, we’re sure we can come to some sort of deal....

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

Trump Vows to Shutdown Epcot’s Morocco Pavilion

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH, FLORIDA — Calling it a breeding ground for terrorism and a threat to national security, US President Donald Trump said shutting down the Morocco Pavilion in Disney World’s Epcot theme park is his next priority. “Why did President Obama let a country full of Muslim jihadis occupy American soil in Orlando?” Trump wrote in an early morning tweet. “This is why America is LOSING! SAD!” Trump, who once promised to ban all Muslims from travelling to the U.S., said he...

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Trump: Israeli Security Wall Does Good Job Keeping Mexicans Out

Speaking to reporters at a press conference, President Trump laid out his views on the Middle East. “I’m reluctant to give credit to other people’s construction projects,” admitted 45, “but I was very impressed with the separation wall Israel built in and around the West Bank. Throughout my trip in Israel I saw maybe 10-12 Mexicans, tops. Obviously the wall is doing a great job keeping them out, and if Israel hadn’t built the fence it would certainly by now be overrun by...

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President Desperately Working on Excuse to Not Visit Trump

Palestinian President and PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas is, according to aides, desperately trying to think of a good excuse not to visit Washington. He received the invitation during his first phone call with President Trump this week. An aide commented, “Of course on the call he had to act all excited but after he put the receiver down he was all like ‘what the fuck are we going to do now?’ We all watched Bibi’s visit and we really don’t...

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Middle Eastern Leaders Relieved to Learn of America’s ‘Deep State’

Saying that they are “thankful to Allah that that orange-skinned lunatic isn’t actually in charge,” rulers from across the Middle East are relieved to learn of a powerful “deep state” secretly running the US. “I must admit, for a while I was quite concerned about these American ‘elections,’ as they call them,” Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi told The Mideast Beast. “It’s quite comforting to know that in America the elected government is virtually powerless and that a web of...

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Crisis Hits Turkey as Erdogan Runs Out of People to Call a ‘Nazi’

Turkish leadership entered uncharted territory this weekend, as President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has finally run out of people to call a Nazi. While some Turkish officials had expressed concerns after Erdogan called the leaders of Germany and the Netherlands Nazis within a week, the crisis caught the government off-guard. The final accusation came Saturday, as Erdogan labeled a kebab vendor a “Nazi remnant” for allegedly skimping on the president’s yogurt sauce. Aides to the Turkish leader quickly realized that their...