Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

Netanyahu to UN: Construction of Third Temple Will not be an Obstacle to Peace with Palestinians

“The fact is,” the Israeli PM told world leaders at the United Nations, “a Jewish Temple used to stand right where the Al Aqsa mosque plaza now sits. Even Muslim archaeologists have reported its existence.” The temple he was talking about was Second Temple, built by King Herod, which stood for almost 600 years. And while the Romans destroyed the Temple 70 years after they nailed up a certain well-known Jewish carpenter, many modern Jews still pray for the day...

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

Other Weapon Systems Jealous of Israel’s “Iron Dome”

A drive to advance weapons design to the leading edge has backfired on the Israel Defense Force (IDF) as various pieces of equipment have become self aware and developed an overwhelming desire to see Iron Dome, Israel’s missile defense system, “brought down a peg or two”. A Mekarva IV tank from Jerusalem complained, “here I am busting a track to keep the Jewish people safe from a bunch of anti-tank wielding fanatics and what thanks do I get?” “Sweet fuck all!...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course

UC Berkeley Hires Leading Palestinian Religious Leader to Teach Sex Ed. Course

University of California, Berkeley has responded proactively to critics who claim that the school trampled on academic freedom when it suspended a Palestinian history class. Administrators have hired prominent Palestinian religious figure Arash al-Rimi to teach a new one-credit Gender Studies course titled ‘Palestine: Getting Laid under the Zionist Jackboot.’ While the ‘Palestine: A Colonial Settler Analysis’ course was subsequently reinstated, “we must do more to obsessively espouse a single viewpoint that makes us feel less shitty about being white,...

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

Passive-Aggressive Obama Facebook Tags Everyone but Netanyahu in UN Group Photo

In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon Adelson-owned Israeli newspaper, Israel Hayom, that “Obama tagged every world leader except me – including genocidal Islamo-fascists like Iranian President Hassan...

Moderate Rebels Have Killed Over 5,000 Americans on U.S. Soil Since 9/11

Moderate Rebels Have Killed Over 5,000 Americans on U.S. Soil Since 9/11

‘Moderate rebels’ loyal to the Obama regime have reportedly killed over 5,000 Americans on US soil since the beginning of the War on Terror. The rebels appear to be a well organized and heavily armed militia with different factions spread across the country operating under the broad umbrella name ‘the police’. Different factions are responsible for enforcing certain laws and codes. Some of which are extremely arbitrary, infringe on civilians’ human rights, and vary based on state-loyalty. The number of...

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

Emmys Snub For ISIS Film Producer Left off In Memoriam Reel

The 2016 Emmy Awards paid homage to the many stars who died this past year with its “In Memoriam” tribute on Sunday, September 18. However, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences failed to include several creative powerhouses who passed away in the reel, angering people around the world. Fans of ISIS propaganda video mega-producer Wa’il Adil Hasan Salman al-Fayad, killed by coalition forces near Raqqa earlier this month, were particularly irate at his exclusion. Al-Fayad oversaw ISIS’s production of...

Obama to Hire Muslim Refugee Cops So Americans Can Agree On Who to Hate

Obama to Hire Muslim Refugee Cops So Americans Can Agree On Who to Hate

In a move aimed at uniting a country bitterly divided over who to be afraid of, President Obama announced today that he would replace the nation’s police officers with Muslim refugees so that all Americans could once again agree on who they should hate. “We can’t continue on as a country in which half the population is afraid of being blown up by a Syrian refugee while the other half is terrified that they’ll be gunned down by a racist...

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

ISIS Announces Halt in Attacks on US Following News of Brangelina Split

Saying that strikes against the U.S. would be “heartless, gratuitous, and entirely inappropriate at the moment,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced a temporary unilateral ceasefire against America following the breakup of Hollywood’s most powerful celebrity couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “In light of recent events, we have suspended indefinitely all operations against the United States and ask our supporters and affiliates to do the same,” al-Baghdadi said in a press release. “While we have serious differences of opinion...

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

Experts Baffled as Trump Leads Saudi Election Polls

A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the families of alleged terrorists, and vowed to close down mosques, he is leading among nearly every Saudi demographic, including religious...

Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire

Syrian Leader Quietly Seeks Treatment for Guilty Conscience During Brief Ceasefire

A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he can’t even drive by a mass grave without blowing chunks,” the Syrian leader’s personal physician Dr. Amir Samir Bin Toma...