Assad Seeks Position in Canadian PM’s Cabinet Following Castro Eulogy

Assad Seeks Position in Canadian PM’s Cabinet Following Castro Eulogy

Saying that he had “no idea that [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau and I agreed on so many things,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly submitted his resumé  for a position in Trudeau’s administration following the prime minister’s glowing remarks about former Cuban President Fidel Castro. “I have always wanted to serve the Canadian government, but I feared that my hatred of democracy and free speech, and my fondness for summarily executing enemies real and imagined, would be held against...

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

The Syrian president and barrel bomb fanatic (gawky guy on the right) has claimed today that 500,000 people voted illegally in his 2014 sweeping election win. “Serious election irregularities have been brought to my attention regarding widespread voting fraud two years ago. Personally, this doesn’t come as a surprise as I could never understand why half a million people would think it was a good idea to vote against me.” “If Trump can be brave enough to speak out when...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no different for terrorist groups. This holiday season is putting a lot of stress on ISIS member, Abu al-Badhu Mohammed. “She’s...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

Trump Rings Saudi King for Advice on Government Appointments

Trump Rings Saudi King for Advice on Government Appointments

President Elect Trump has reportedly spoken to King Salman of Saudi Arabia to seek his advice on how the transition team should handle staffing the incoming administration. A spokesman for Trump commented, “President Elect Trump had a very productive call with the King, it certainly opened his eyes to some radically new ways to go about things in 2017.” He continued, “Appointing family members to positions of power is really a much more common practice than some might think. We recognise...

ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now

ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now

19-year-old Hazem Talib assumed he’d be knee deep in warm apple pie after joining ISIS, but he has reportedly been very disappointed with the terror group’s weak poon game. “My cousins in ISIS, Mahir and Hamid, would tell me stories about getting crazy amounts of trim every single day, but I feel like I’ve been spending all my time just fending off mortar attacks and dodging airstrikes. I’ve barely gotten any action from the ladies at all,” Talib told reporters....

‘Birthright’ Student Returns Home…Still a Virgin

‘Birthright’ Student Returns Home…Still a Virgin

Seth Finklebaumstein, a 19-year-old sophomore at Duke University, returned home from his ‘Birthright’ Israel experience this summer still a virgin, sources say. “Well, I was disappointed to say the least,” the fraternity brother explained. While there have been previous rumors of participants not hooking up, Mr. Finklebaumstein is the first confirmed case. The ‘Birthright’ experience is a free, 10-day trip created to connect Jews in the diaspora to the Homeland. Open to participants between the hormone-driven and sexually exploratory ages...

U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”

U.S. Generals Ask, “So How Does This Coup Thing Work?”

Several U.S. generals and other high-ranking officers have reportedly approached Turkish preacher Fethullah Gülen for advice: “So we were just wondering how this coup thing works? Asking for a friend, of course…” Fethullah Gülen, “living in self-imposed exile in rural Pennsylvania”, is the alleged force behind the attempted coup in Turkey this past summer. The officers responded to his claims that he really knew nothing about overthrowing governments by saying, “OK that’s cool, we get, but let’s just say hypothetically...

President Obama Confirms He Will Criticize Trump From “Undisclosed Location in Pakistan”

President Obama Confirms He Will Criticize Trump From “Undisclosed Location in Pakistan”

President Obama has confirmed plans for a surprisingly robust response to Donald Trump assuming the leadership of the free world next year. In a press conference in Peru, he stated, “First I’ve promised to take Michelle and the kids for a nice relaxing vacation. I hear that Northern Pakistan is particularly nice in the winter. After that we will be looking for property in the area, or if prices are too crazy maybe something further north. As far off the beaten...