TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights

TSA Prohibition on Liquids Foils al Qaeda Plot to Brush Teeth During Flights

The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will not be allowed in carry-on bags, we have regretfully decided to cancel Operation Fresh Breath,” al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri...

“Wholesome, Sane” Turkish President Calls Childless Women “Deficient, Incomplete”

“Wholesome, Sane” Turkish President Calls Childless Women “Deficient, Incomplete”

Earlier this week, Turkish President and rotting Jack-o-lantern if you used a testicle instead of a pumpkin, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, made the news yet again by bashing women everywhere… yet again.  The doofy leader delivered a speech during which he criticized women who might choose to do silly things like prioritize their careers over having children, accusing them of “denying [their] femininity,” and calling them “deficient” and “incomplete”.  Erdogan, who looks like a Hitler-shaped flower somebody forgot to water, has...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Qataris Outraged After Rape Victim Gets Only a Six-Month Prison Sentence

Qataris Outraged After Rape Victim Gets Only a Six-Month Prison Sentence

Residents throughout Qatar are demanding the resignation of a federal judge after a rape victim was given only a six-month prison sentence. “It’s unconscionable that while an innocent rapist will have to live with the traumas he caused himself for the rest of his life, his victim will be free in less than a year,” a petition, which demanded the judge be recalled for handing down such a lenient sentence, stated. “This sends the disturbing message that rape victims will...

Nice Jewish Girl Celebrities Refusing to Release Naked Photos

Nice Jewish Girl Celebrities Refusing to Release Naked Photos

Hairy-palmed Israelis across the country are remarking that’s it’s just typical that all those nice Jewish girls have refused to get on board with the latest Hollywood craze of letting “jazz shots” of themselves leak onto the internet. Jonathan Levy, a regular ‘Rabbi-spanker’ from Tel Aviv, spoke for many, “Rihanna, Kate Upton, Selena Gomez and Kim Kardashian, what do they have in common? I’ll tell you, they don’t have to worry about some black clad old crow giving them the...

Barack Obama Reluctantly Endorses Hillary Clinton with a Series of Backhanded Comparisons

Barack Obama Reluctantly Endorses Hillary Clinton with a Series of Backhanded Comparisons

The race for the US presidency has dwindled down to its final two candidates (Bernie, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be) and Barack Obama has thrown his support behind Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “In the 2008 democratic primaries I schooled the botox right out of Hillary, then asked her to be my Secretary of State. I recall thinking, ‘Man, this is just the cherry on top….I can’t humiliate her more even if I tried’. I felt bad...

Saudi Family Therapist Condemns Johnny Depp for Hitting Wife Incorrectly

Saudi Family Therapist Condemns Johnny Depp for Hitting Wife Incorrectly

Johnny Depp, recently accused by estranged wife Amber Heard of domestic violence, has undergone an extra amount of scrutiny from lead Saudi Arabian family therapist Khaled Al-Saqaby today as he expressed his disappointment toward the actor in an ‘open letter’. “There is a proper and an improper way to beat one’s wife, as I’ve successfully taught here in The Kingdom for many years. This is a tricky topic, but Allah willing we will help Johnny understand his mistakes and hopefully...

Trump Blames “Radical Islamic Alligator” for Killing Toddler in Florida

Trump Blames “Radical Islamic Alligator” for Killing Toddler in Florida

Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has vowed to ban “all Musligators” from U.S. waters after a 2-year-old boy was found dead near a Disney hotel in Florida Wednesday. Taking to Twitter just minutes after officials confirmed the tragic death of the Nebraska child, who witnesses said was pulled into a lagoon on Tuesday night, Trump wrote: “A Christian alligator would never have committed such an inconceivable attack on our children! More proof that radical Islamic alligator-loving Obama hates America!!” The...

Middle East Dictators to Accept Democracy After Learning About ‘Super-Delegates’

Middle East Dictators to Accept Democracy After Learning About ‘Super-Delegates’

Middle Eastern rulers from Egypt to Iran are reportedly willing to give democracy a second look after learning about the “Superdelegates” used to choose nominees in the U.S. presidential elections. “Whenever I heard someone talk about ‘voting’ or ‘democracy,’ I assumed it was just a bunch of normal people going into a booth and choosing who they want to be president, and then that person is put in charge,” explained Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir. “But apparently, in America, the president...

ISIS Leaders Flee Syria After Barrage of Tweets by Trump

ISIS Leaders Flee Syria After Barrage of Tweets by Trump

A series of angry tweets by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has sent ISIS fighters running for the hills, as tweets promising to be “tough” against ISIS and to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” have the terrorist group in a panic. “Sheikh Donald has promised toughness and vigilance and said that the infidels must be smart,” one terrified ISIS fighter remarked as he stared into his iPhone. “It seems the Americans have figured out how to defeat us.” For...

NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”

NY Governor Bans “Buying Duck Semen”, Pro-Israel Groups Incorrectly Celebrate Win Against “BDS”

Many pro-Israel publications recently reported that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has recently taken steps to ban the Boycott Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement against Israel for singling out the Jewish State; however, after further investigation by The Mideast Beast it was discovered the commonly used BDS acronym was misleading. “No, this ruling has nothing to do with Israel boycotts, we just wanted to ban the purchase of waterfowl seminal fluid (#BanDuckSemen). It had become a major issue on the...