Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

Aya Hijazi: “So Did I Miss Much?”

After nearly three years in an Egyptian prison, charity worker Aya Hijazi, touched down in Washington this week and asked, “So did I miss anything important?” She was welcomed to the White House where she was surprised to be introduced to celebrity billionaire Mr. Donald Trump, who she assumed was there for a party to celebrate Daytime Emmy winners or perhaps to get roasted again at the Correspondence Dinner They were thirty minutes into a stilted conversation about how the...

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Experts on the Turkish Referendum: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?

Following the Turkish referendum, people are now asking the tough question: What’s the worst that could happen? One expert at the Middle East Center for Stupid Questions (who wished to remain anonymous) said “although it looks bad at first, we can’t be sure that the delegation of even more power to a leader who is accused of wanting to turn a large NATO country into a religious Islamic State is necessarily going to be a bad thing”. Others disagree however,...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

Transcript Proves God Backing Erdogan, Trump, and Netanyahu

The Mideast Beast has obtained a confidential transcript containing a message from God to an anonymous recipient. The message alludes to His involvement in the ongoing de-democratization processes in Turkey, Israel, and the US. And God said, “People are always saying ‘Ooooh, God created everything’ and shit like that. Well, let me tell you something: I didn’t create democracy, the libtards did. Is there democracy anywhere in the Bible or the Quran? No, just nepotism and me randomly choosing people...

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

Mideast Enemies Unite to Make Camel Racing an Olympic Sport

DOHA – Despite multiple bloody wars rocking the region, nearly 20 Middle Eastern countries have launched a joint bid to have camel racing declared an Olympic sport. A delegation is due in Switzerland next week to argue their case before the International Olympic Committee. At a press conference in Doha, Qatar’s Sheikh Jamaal bin Tamim Al Thani, chairman of the International Camel Racing Federation (ICRAC) and co-chair of the bid, said: “Camel racing is hugely popular across nearly 40 countries...

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

ISIS Replaces Beheading Videos with Live Streams of Camels in Labor

After a YouTube stream of April the giraffe giving birth in a New York zoo reached a live audience of 1.2 million viewers Saturday, ISIS has announced that they will be replacing their infamous beheading videos with live streams of camels in labor. A spokesperson predicted that this tactical move will result in much more successful recruitment rates from the West, specifically North America. An online poll revealed that 45% of Americans expect to have a “more favorable outlook on...

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In Shocking Result, Trump Wins Turkish Referendum

In an outcome that baffled pollsters and experts, Donald Trump has emerged victorious in Turkey’s constitutional referendum this weekend. The victory marked another upset for the American billionaire, as the ballot asked voters simply whether they approve of constitutional changes aimed at giving more power to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. But when all the votes were tallied, Trump had somehow again come away with an unexpected victory. “Nobody believed in us, not the fake news, not the lying New...

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

ISIS Releases Official Response to MOAB: “Ok, Now You Dickheads Are Just Showing Off”

Following the United States’ first use of the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb in combat, multiple terrorist groups condemned the US, rolled their eyes, and said, “you dickheads are just showing off”. An ISIS fighter interviewed by The Mideast Beast sounded exasperated saying “first it was the missiles, then it was the drones, and now this crap? Jesus, can’t they just send the SEALS like they used to?” Another clearly shaken al-Qaeda fighter said in an interview, “I admit I signed...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

Following his statements regarding Hitler’s “never using chemical weapons,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apparently retracted and amended his comments, saying that “although Hitler did use chemical weapons, he did so in closed quarters, whereas Assad used them on the battlefield.” Apparently, those who entered the gas chambers did so of their own volition and could have escaped. Members of the Syrian government who are known Holocaust deniers commended Spicer on this “accurate” depiction of the events of...