America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

America Solves Middle East Crisis with Really, Really Big Bombs

The US military has confirmed this week that the root of all the problems in the Middle East was that there just wasn’t a big enough bomb. Until now… US Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis commented, “I’ve been looking at this issue for some time, first in my role as Commander of CENTCOM and now as a senior advisor to the Toddler-in-Chief. And the conclusion I’ve come to is that we just weren’t dropping big enough bombs. This was really...

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

White House: “Jews, Gypsies, and Homosexuals Entered Gas Chambers of Their Own Volition”

Following his statements regarding Hitler’s “never using chemical weapons,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apparently retracted and amended his comments, saying that “although Hitler did use chemical weapons, he did so in closed quarters, whereas Assad used them on the battlefield.” Apparently, those who entered the gas chambers did so of their own volition and could have escaped. Members of the Syrian government who are known Holocaust deniers commended Spicer on this “accurate” depiction of the events of...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

Trump Fires Spicer, Names Ahmadinejad Press Secretary

After days of criticism over his claims that Hitler never used chemical weapons, Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been forced to resign and is now replaced by former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “Listen, I think Sean’s been doing a wonderful job, but Jared tells me the Jews are very upset at him, so he’s gone,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “But we’re bringing in someone terrific.” Though he promised during his campaign to take a hard line against Iran, Trump...

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

ISIS Refuses to Hijack United Airlines Flights

Joining a growing boycott of the airlines after a passenger was beaten and dragged off an overbooked plane, ISIS announced this week that it will not hijack any United Airlines flights. “While our mujahedeen are fearless warriors willing to die as martyrs of Islam, even they have their limits,” ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a videotape released on Al Jazeera. “If they are going to sacrifice their lives battling the infidels, they shouldn’t have to worry about getting...

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following Missile Strikes on Syria, Trump Promises “WWIII Will Be the Greatest War, Probably Ever”

Following the missile strikes on a Syrian airbase where Russian troops were reported to be stationed, President Trump has announced the Russia-US war likely to follow would be the greatest ever. “It’s going to be just terrific, and we’re looking at a lot of options, ok,” he said in a press conference. “We’re looking at nuclear, we have a fantastic nuclear program that I’m so proud of, and we have our submarines, we have to talk about the submarines, you...

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines Doubling Down With Syrian Deal

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is reportedly considering offering Syrian President Bashar al-Assad two million air miles and lifetime premier status in return for any left-over Sarin. Brand Management expert Elliott Alexander commented, “This is potentially a very smart move by United. Bumping paying passengers from a flight is commonplace, the real PR nightmare is when you drag them kicking and screaming down the airplane aisle. Imagine an environment where they were limp and uncomplaining. Win!” “It also opens a lot...

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Kendall Jenner Tapped as Israeli-Palestinian Peace Envoy

Citing her “tremendous success” in bridging the gap between the police and the Black Lives Matter movement, President Trump announced he has appointed Kendall Jenner to lead Israeli-Palestinian peace talks for his administration. “Listen, this Kendall Jenner, I’m hearing great things,” Trump told The Mideast Beast. “I hear she does amazing things with Pepsi, and she is being recognized more and more. She’s going to solve this conflict so fast it’ll make your head spin.” “And let me tell you,...

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

‘I Hate It When My Friends Are Fighting,’ Putin Says

Noting that things were so much easier when his BFFs Bashar and Donald got along, Russian President Vladimir Putin admitted that recent tension between two of his closest comrades is beginning to cause him undue stress. “Now whenever I invite Bashar to go shopping or to see a movie, the first thing he says is ‘I’m not going if Donald is going to be there,’” Putin told The Mideast Beast. “It’s like I am being forced to choose between them.”...

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

UN Security Council on Syria: ‘All Verbs on the Table’ Following Chemical Attack

Following the US response to this week’s chemical attack in Syria, the United Nations has urged restraint on the part of all parties saying, “We have not exhausted all the possible words in the dictionary”. Representatives from members of the Security Council and General Assembly were threatening to draft a resolution expressing extreme consternation, bewilderment, and even outright stupefaction over the attack that killed over 100 civilians with sarin gas. Documents obtained by The Mideast Beast have shown memos indicating that...

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

‘But Putin Said Bashar Was a Great Guy,’ Confused Trump Says

Admitting that he does not know who he can trust anymore, President Trump said Thursday that he is struggling to reconcile Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s recent chemical weapon strike on civilians with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s promise that Assad is a “tremendous guy.” “Every time I speak to Vladimir – which is a lot, believe me – all he says is ‘Bashar is so great, Bashar is so loyal, why can’t you be more like Bashar?’ Trump told The Mideast...