In Policy Win for Trump, Muslims Unanimously Accept Muslim Ban

In Policy Win for Trump, Muslims Unanimously Accept Muslim Ban

ABU DHABI — In what can be considered vindication for President-elect Donald Trump on one of his most controversial proposals, Muslims from across the Middle East and beyond have unanimously signed off Trump’s plan to ban Muslims from entering the country. “While there’s been much made of President Trump’s promise to ban Muslims and the impact it will have on our community, I would like to assure the American people that we’re all totally cool with it,” the head of...

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest

These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mate right before their soul meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Iran Offers to Help With US Election Recount

Iran Offers to Help With US Election Recount

Iranian President Rouhani has offered to help the Stein campaign with its efforts to hold ballot recounts in the states of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan, sources say. Iran is, understandably, gravely disappointed at the prospect of a Trump presidency and the possible dismantlement of the nuclear deal. “The Iranian people see eye to eye with moderate America in our disdain at the election results and fear of what is to come,” Rouhani stated. “Iranian-American relations could have had a bright,...

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

Ahead of Trump Visit, Palestinians Prepare to be Called ‘Stupid Lazy Rapists’

RAMALLAH – Palestinians are hurriedly preparing for President-elect Donald Trump’s upcoming Holy Land trip, bracing themselves for a potential onslaught of derogatory abuse. “Look, we’ve been called just about everything by the Israelis – liars, thieves, stinking Arab terrorists, genocidal Islamo-Nazi anti-Semites and more” said Marwan, a 71-year-old mechanic, “but Trump calling us rapists, like he did the Mexicans, would really hurt our feelings.” “Call us what you may, but we don’t rape Jewish women, and Jews don’t rape ours...

President-Elect Trump Calls Siege of Aleppo “Amazing Redevelopment Opportunity”

President-Elect Trump Calls Siege of Aleppo “Amazing Redevelopment Opportunity”

NEW YORK – Echoing his past praise for the 2008 housing crash, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has claimed that the Russian air strikes currently devastating the Syrian city of Aleppo will be a boon for his luxury real estate empire. “Sure, the pictures coming out of Aleppo are horrible… but think of the amazing redevelopment opportunities once Assad mops up all those Muslim terrorists,” Trump told Breitbart News yesterday, before hinting at a joint U.S.-Russian reconstruction effort: “Putin and...

Assad Seeks Position in Canadian PM’s Cabinet Following Castro Eulogy

Assad Seeks Position in Canadian PM’s Cabinet Following Castro Eulogy

Saying that he had “no idea that [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau and I agreed on so many things,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly submitted his resumé  for a position in Trudeau’s administration following the prime minister’s glowing remarks about former Cuban President Fidel Castro. “I have always wanted to serve the Canadian government, but I feared that my hatred of democracy and free speech, and my fondness for summarily executing enemies real and imagined, would be held against...

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

President Assad Demands 2014 Election Recount

The Syrian president and barrel bomb fanatic (gawky guy on the right) has claimed today that 500,000 people voted illegally in his 2014 sweeping election win. “Serious election irregularities have been brought to my attention regarding widespread voting fraud two years ago. Personally, this doesn’t come as a surprise as I could never understand why half a million people would think it was a good idea to vote against me.” “If Trump can be brave enough to speak out when...

ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays

Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no different for terrorist groups. This holiday season is putting a lot of stress on ISIS member, Abu al-Badhu Mohammed. “She’s...

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Israel to Give Palestinians Voting Rights, Establish ‘Electoral College’

Saying they had finally found a way to resolve the Palestinian conflict while keeping Israel both a Jewish and democratic state, Israeli officials announced that Gaza and the West Bank will be annexed and given full voting rights under a system called the “electoral college.” Under this system, Israel will be divided into 50 regions, all of which will have varying numbers of electors, depending on the population. The Gaza Strip, the most densely populated region, would have 10 electors,...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...