‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

TEL AVIV – With summer right around the corner, the streets of Israel’s coastal metropolis were filled with boisterous revelers on Saturday after the World Pubic Waxing Association announced that the city’s homegrown ‘Tel Avivian’ had officially surpassed the veteran ‘The Brazilian’ as the world’s most popular bikini wax style. ‘The Tel Avivian’ – with its iconic strip of interconnecting Star of Davids – was ranked first in a survey of over 500,000 pubic wax afficandos around the globe. Despite...

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

ISIS Leader Suspended from Jihad After Testing Positive for Steroids

The Islamic State was dealt a setback Thursday, as ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was suspended indefinitely after testing positive for jihad-enhancing drugs. The failed test not only puts the Islamic State’s future in jeopardy but has called into question the legitimacy of previous accomplishments, which for years have been tainted by rumors of steroid use. “During a random drug test last week, Mr. Baghdadi tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug Jihadozol, a steroid that has negative health effects and...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

Trans Albino Half-Jewish, Half-Muslim Vegan Denied Campus ‘Safe Space’

BERKELEY – A freshman is suing one of America’s most progressive colleges for discrimination after it rejected a request to fund his own ‘TAVJI safe space.’ According to 19-year-old Adam Hussein-Hershkowitz, “contrary to UC Berkeley’s radical leftist reputation, it’s actually a hotbed of virulent anti-TAVJI bigotry” – using an acronym he coined to describe his combined transgenderism, albinism and veganism, as well as his Jewish and Islamic identities (inherited from his mother and Iraqi-born father, respectively). Speaking to The Mideast...

Radical Islamists Begin Burning Garfield, Far Side Cartoons “Just To Be Safe”

Radical Islamists Begin Burning Garfield, Far Side Cartoons “Just To Be Safe”

We’ve all become accustomed to radical Islamists attacking cartoonists and novelists in the same way a teenager who sweats buckets while talking to girls, but who refuses to wear deodorant becomes accustomed to being alone on Friday nights– its something we don’t like when it happens, but we’re also not trying very hard to address the underlying issue.  The reason usually given for these types of attacks is that Islamic law forbids the drawing of the Prophet Mohammed.  But, it seems...

Israel Demolishes CNN Offices, Cites Biased Reporting

Israel Demolishes CNN Offices, Cites Biased Reporting

In a ‘defense’ move that the Foreign Press Association blasted as collective punishment and a violation of press freedom, the Israeli government, now under the direction of its new Defense Minister, the hardline and slightly chubby Avigdor Lieberman, finally ordered the demolition of several CNN offices Wednesday after the network provided “inaccurate and biased coverage” of a November 2014 terror attack in a Jerusalem synagogue. IDF D9 Bulldozers razed CNN’s regional offices in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv following the report, as journalists...

In Honor of Sykes-Picot Centennial, France and Britain Redraw America’s Borders

In Honor of Sykes-Picot Centennial, France and Britain Redraw America’s Borders

With 2016 marking the 100-year anniversary of the Sykes-Picot Agreement, which created the borders that make up much of the modern Middle East, the French and British governments announced that they have once again proven their mapmaking abilities by re-divvying the North American continent. “In 1916, we and our French allies joined forces to create modern borders in the Middle East that, though not perfect, stood for 100 years after the collapse of the Ottoman Empire,” British Prime Minister David...

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Hamas Replacing Human Shields with Much Cuter Puppy Shields

Under cover of a moonless night in early April in the Gulf of Aden, Israeli commando units seized the Gaza-bound cargo ship Al-Aarnab. Beneath the usual humanitarian cargo (Viagra pills, e-cigarettes, Bud Light) the troops uncovered the even more usual rockets and weaponry. But in a hidden container deep inside the ship, they uncovered a secret payload: hundreds of the cutest puppies and fluffiest bunnies developed in secret military facilities in Iran. An Israeli intelligence analyst explained the situation: “In...

Four Horsemen Arrive in Jerusalem for Urgent Discussions

Four Horsemen Arrive in Jerusalem for Urgent Discussions

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived in Jerusalem (where else?) today for discussions on how exactly they are going to end mankind. Pestilence, War, Famine and Death have gathered in The King David Hotel and won’t be leaving until things are settled. End of the World groupie, Jim Jane commented, “I think the guys are just in a really good place right now and they feel that now is the time to get their ducks in a row, you...

Liberals Angry About the West’s Pretext Rubbing Up Against the Developing World’s Context

Liberals Angry About the West’s Pretext Rubbing Up Against the Developing World’s Context

Given the state of politics today, many are starting to notice that extremes are kind of like Michael Bay movies: they tend to attract a lot of people despite the fact that they don’t make a lot of sense.  Not since the bloody wars of Team Edward and Team Jacob have two parties been polarized by an issue to the degree that liberals and conservatives now debate Western interactions with non-Western nations.  Much like the half-brothers Rob and Jon, in...

ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US

ISIS Unleashes ‘War of Micro-Aggressions’ against the US

Calling it the final phase in their mission to destroy America and turn the whole world into an Islamic caliphate, the terrorist group ISIS launched a new “war of micro-aggressions” against the US this week. “Until the American crusaders withdraw from our countries and accept Sharia Law, our warriors will appropriate their culture, subtly patronize their heritage, perpetuate harmful stereotypes and show little to no sensitivity towards Americans’ minority status in the global community,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told...