John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs

John Kerry: “Air Conditioners as Big a Threat as ISIS”; ISIS Declares War on ACs

WASHINGTON D.C. — Following  Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to share this planet, preferably with you in our cages. Since Earth has rights too, to live without pollution, we proudly...

BREAKING: Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

BREAKING: Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks

Following Mass Attack in Nice, France Declares War on Trucks

Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates.   But that stops here as I launch an operation that will allow us to pretend that we’re defeating the terrorists by rounding up and destroying all trucks driven in France,” President...

‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

‘The Tel Avivian’ Outstrips ‘The Brazilian’ as World’s Favorite Bikini Wax Style

TEL AVIV – It’s summertime! The streets of Israel’s coastal metropolis were filled with boisterous revelers on Saturday after the World Pubic Waxing Association announced that the city’s homegrown ‘Tel Avivian’ had officially surpassed the veteran ‘The Brazilian’ as the world’s most popular bikini wax style. ‘The Tel Avivian’ – with its iconic strip of interconnecting Star of Davids – was ranked first in a survey of over 500,000 pubic wax afficandos around the globe. Despite rising international anti-Israeli sentiment, the...

ISIS Asks, “Is ‘Duck Dynasty’ a Real Thing?”

ISIS Asks, “Is ‘Duck Dynasty’ a Real Thing?”

Senior ISIS leaders have been seeking confirmation on whether “Duck Dynasty” is something that people actually watch, or just some elaborate prank that they just aren’t getting. Abu al-Masri, a professional head separator with the organization, was clearly confused, “We’ve had a few set backs lately, but the upside has been a little more time to catch up on our favorite shows, and suddenly this ‘Duck Dynasty’ thing came up in our “other shows like this” choices. So for the...

Lower Than Normal Terror Stats Prompt Immediate Promise of More Hell

Lower Than Normal Terror Stats Prompt Immediate Promise of More Hell

Low Suicide Bombing numbers this past Ramadan have led to a call for an emergency meeting between terrorist organizations belonging to the United Jihad Nations BAHHL SAQ (Boko Haram, Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic State, Shabaab/Al-Qa’ida) in order to step up their coordination’s on unleashing chaos and misery across the Middle East. “The death toll was simply not high enough this year,” states an alarmed UN Secretary General and sitting member of the BAHHL SAQ Human Rights Committee Ban-Ki-Moon....

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

“PokéAJew GO” Launches in Saudi Arabia After Pokémon Fatwa

With the phenomenon of Pokémon Go capturing the world’s attention, Saudi Arabia took a quick breather from banning women from driving, men from being too handsome, and dogs from participating in beauty pageants to focus on what’s really important: reviving their 2001 fatwa on Pokémon. “Rattata, Primeape, and Tepig are clearly Zionist Jews!” declared leading member of the General Secretariat of the Council of Religious Scholars and Misogynists, Abdulaziz Al-Asheikh. “Pokémon are symbols of the global Zionist conspiracy. This ‘game’ is...

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”

With an estimated 300,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed al-Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

ISIS Renounces Islam Following Saudi Fatwa Banning ‘Pokemon Go’

Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and my army of mujahedeen, who loved tracking down Jigglypuffs and Pikachus when they couldn’t find any Christians or Shia to...

Moderate Rebels Have Killed Over 5,000 Americans on U.S. Soil Since 9/11

Moderate Rebels Have Killed Over 5,000 Americans on U.S. Soil Since 9/11

‘Moderate rebels’ loyal to the Obama regime have reportedly killed over 5,000 Americans on US soil since the beginning of the War on Terror. The rebels appear to be a well organized and heavily armed militia with different factions spread across the country operating under the broad umbrella name ‘the police’. Different factions are responsible for enforcing certain laws and codes. Some of which are extremely arbitrary, infringe on civilians’ human rights, and vary based on state-loyalty. The number of...