Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available

Jared Kushner Best Person to Bring Peace to the Middle East, Assuming No One Else Available

Regional experts have confirmed that President Trump’s son-in-law is by far the best person to solve the myriad of interlocking and long-standing challenges in the Middle East, if every other possible candidate has been ruled out first. Owen Adams of the Institute of Bastard Problems That Just Won’t Go Away stated, “Yeah sure why not Mr. Kushner. I guess Juan Manuel Santos just wanted to keep on being President of Colombia after negotiating a peace deal with the FARC. And former...

Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom

Trump Urges Putin to Ignore ISIS and Bomb Nordstrom

Saying that the fight against radical Islamic terrorism could wait until more important matters are resolved, President Trump has called on Russian President Vladimir Putin to turn back fighter jets headed to Syria and redirect them to target Nordstrom locations throughout the US. Trump’s request came after Nordstrom dropped the apparel brand of the president’s daughter, Ivanka, after anti-Trump activists called for boycotts of companies carrying the brand. “Listen, we will deal with ISIS, believe me. They are some bad...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Continent That Spent Thousands of Years Killing One Another Dismayed With Violence in The Mideast

Representatives from the continent that spent thousands of years killing each other en masse have released their most recent condemnation of violence in Syria and Iraq. The European council of ministers met earlier this week to condemn the violence in the region fueled by ideological differences; the German foreign minister, representing the country that, up until 1989 was split down the middle, stated: “Ideology should not divide us”. The European Union on Monday also condemned Russia’s air campaign in Syria,...

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change

ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately.  All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah.  “The Islamic State is committing all its resources to the defeat of climate change.” Mr. da-Mullah then drew his scimitar and...

Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’

Al-Qaeda: ‘It’s About Time America Shuts Women Up’

“We couldn’t be happier to see that the United States is finally seeing things our way,” commented an al-Qaeda leader when he found out Senator Elizabeth Warren was silenced during the debate on the Attorney General nomination. “Women should never have the right to voice their opinion and it’s about time America did something about it.” “For far too long, America has given women rights that they just shouldn’t have.  It is refreshing that President Trump and the Republicans are...

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

Qatar Relieved No One Remembers They’re Hosting the World Cup in 2022

There’s one Middle Eastern nation that sees the chaos in the region, as well as the waves that Donald Trump has caused in the first two weeks of his administration as a massive plus: Qatar. Why? According to their leader Hamad Bin Khalifa al-Thani, “because just about everyone’s forgotten we’re hosting the world cup in five years. The vote by FIFA, soccer’s governing body, awarded Qatar the right to host the World Cup in 2010, initially causing controversy on allegations...

Steve Bannon to Reveal Plans for Jewish-Muslim ‘Relocation’

Steve Bannon to Reveal Plans for Jewish-Muslim ‘Relocation’

President Trump’s chief strategist, Stephen Bannon, has reportedly told aides to draw up plans to round up all Muslims and Jews living in the United States, just as soon as they get the border wall out of the way. Bannon, the executive chairman of the far-right news source Breitbart, has been accused multiple times of making anti-Semitic and anti-Muslim remarks. However, this may be the first instance in which he has stated his explicit intentions to turn thought into action....

Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban

Inspired by Trump, Saudi Arabia Enacts (Poor) Muslim Ban

Saudi Leaders, looking to repair the relationship that many saw as being damaged under Barack Obama, and also saying they felt obliged to follow in the footsteps of its American allies, enacted its own (poor) Muslim ban this week and said that it would not be able to absorb refugees fleeing war torn Iraq and Syria. “We’d really like to help out our (poor) Muslim brothers, who speak our language, know our culture and are coming from right next door,”...