Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

Americans Thrilled as United Nations Headquarters to be Moved to Israel

In what many will view as a surprising move, the United Nations has voted to relocate its headquarters to Israel. According to recent U.S. polls, Americans feel that the UN has overstayed its Manhattan visit. One Alabama resident told The Mideast Beast, “Dang, they’ve been here since 1952. 51 years is long enough! Wait, what’s 2017 minus 1952?” After nearly 65 years in the heart of New York City, the UN’s Security Council voted on Israel as its next location. Many Israelis are thrilled...

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

Israeli-Palestinian Problem Solved in Comments Section of Facebook Status

After an intense, and sometimes hostile comments exchange, Jason Silverstein and Shlomo Horowitz, two liberal Jews from Long Island, claim to have solved most final status issues at the center of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Negotiations started when Jason posted a status on Facebook, berating Secretary of State John Kerry’s speech on Mideast peace. Shlomo, a liberal whose closest experience with a Palestinian was his friend at Columbia University who wore a keffiyeh “in solidarity” responded saying that his attitude was...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS Announces Re-Branding: Islamic Safe Space; Berkeley Pledges Allegiance

ISIS has announced that, as part of its 2017 rebranding program, it will no longer be known as ‘Islamic State’ but would rather be known as ‘Islamic Safe Space in Iraq and Syria’. The move is seen as an attempt to appeal more towards the younger generation and socially conscious millennials who have made just about everything you can imagine about Social Justice. A senior ISIS leader interviewed by The Mideast Beast stated, “Once we saw the kind of stuff...

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

‘Decepticons’ Claim Responsibility for Jerusalem Truck Terror Attack

Earlier today, the Decepticons released a statement claiming responsibility for the Jerusalem truck terror attack that left four Israelis dead. This comes after much confusion when the BBC, New York Times, and other outlets published headlines that made it seem like it was the truck that was to blame for the attack. Indeed, as the attack was still in progress, the New York Times ran the headline “Truck Rams into Soldiers in Jerusalem” and the BBC described it as a...

Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…

Saudi Man Assumes Bad Driver in Car Ahead Must Be Woman, and Then He Remembers…

Local Saudi software engineer, Ibrahim Awad, had a good chuckle to himself on his daily commute after remembering women can’t drive in Saudi Arabia. After a slow-driving white sedan swerved into his lane without signaling, Awad cursed out the driver and quickly assumed, “it’s gotta be a woman”. However, after feeling guilty, Awad berated himself for being so close-minded but finally came to the conclusion that “while I know it’s a little sexist, that’s just the way it is. Men...

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Syrian President: “Donald Trump’s Obsession with Putin ‘a Bit Much'”

Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by now. I’d either have a knife stuck up my ass like Qaddafi, be locked in one of those ISIS cages,...

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Donald Trump Declared “America’s First Middle Eastern President”

Hailing the U.S. President-elect’s “strength, wealth and galactic levels of narcissism and sexual predatorism,” Syria’s Bashar al-Assad has crowned Donald J. Trump “the United States of America’s first Middle Eastern President.” “I take great pride in your election,” said al-Assad, according to a transcript of a phone call between the two released online this morning by the Syrian Presidency. “As we Middle Eastern leaders know, journalists are liars, constitutions are for pussies, protestors must be crushed like mosquitoes, and women,...

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Major League Baseball Sends Scouts to West Bank to Observe Professional Stone Throwers

Noting the increasing prevalence of stone throwing, particularly among youths, in the Palestinian territories and in Israeli West Bank settlements, several Major League Baseball clubs have sent their scouts to the region to look for pitching talent. “For years we’ve been hearing stories about how both Arab and Jewish children grow up hurling rocks at cars, tanks, soldiers and American diplomats,” a scout for the Arizona Diamondbacks told The Mideast Beast. “If they can throw a stone, how hard can...

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

Influx of Martyrs Leaves Heaven Facing Severe Virgin Shortages

A worrying report released by a spokesman in Heaven this week revealed that the afterlife paradise is on the verge of facing a severe virgin supply crisis. As per company policy, every martyr entering heaven is guaranteed 72 beautiful virgin girls upon his arrival. Unfortunately, an influx in martyrs in recent years due to increased turmoil amongst radical Islamists has rendered the hereafter utopia struggling to meet the demand of rising numbers of fanatical militants killed in the name of...