The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

The Islamic State Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven

In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male swimsuit, framing the so-called ‘budgie smuggler scourge’ as a public safety crisis: “These obscene bathers are in fact evil terrorists...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny - it's the Middle East
TUESDAY War - it's the Middle East
WEDNESDAY High chance of serious tension
THURSDAY 100% chance of inaction against ISIS
FRIDAY 99% chance of insane politics
SATURDAY Failed peace talks - it's the Middle East
Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but last month revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so...

Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’

Obama Demands 1996 Mel Gibson Film ‘Ransom’ Change Name to ‘Leverage’

Saying that the title of the film did not reflect an accurate description of the money Mel Gibson’s character paid kidnappers for the return of his son, President Obama has demanded that the name of the 1996 action thriller “Ransom” be changed to “Leverage.” “Tom Mullen [the character played by Gibson] was not paying the $2 million to the kidnappers as ransom, as the film’s title suggests, but was simply taking advantage of the leverage offered by having millions of...

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

Ghost of Donald Trump’s Mom: I Should’ve Had an Abortion

According to the psychic who recently relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier clairvoyant. “With each racist, misogynistic and otherwise malicious remark, she dies another death,” Shapiro recounts, referring to the Republican...

Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”

Turkish President: “Releasing Criminals to Jail Teachers, Lawyers and Civil Servants Will Make the Country Safer”

ANKARA — The Turkish President announced Thursday a program of mass pardons of current prisoners to clear space for all those really dangerous white collar workers and intellectuals. “We’re all about giving people second chances.” said the Turkish president. “Unless you are suspected of being involved in the failed coup. In that case, you go directly to jail and do not pass go. We’re not saying that rape, murder and robbery aren’t wrong, there’re just less wrong than thinking I shouldn’t...

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

Iran’s Supreme Leader Issues Fatwa against Ball Shaving

TEHRAN – Responding to what he termed “the alarming trend of homosexualization” sweeping Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has outlawed male genital grooming. Blaming “western cultural imperialism” for the growing popularity of ‘manscaping’ in the Islamic Republic, Ali Khamenei announced the fatwa at a recent meeting of senior Shi’ite clergy in the holy city of Qom: “Allah made your balls hairy, so be proud of them – or lose them!” he declared to thunderous applause. As such, spot checks...

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

Ancient Skeleton Discovered Giving the Middle-Finger Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance

In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology,  the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...

Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account

Jihadi Teen Brides Lament the Death of Justin Bieber’s Instagram Account

Canadian “singer” Justin Bieber’s jihadi fan base is hurting this morning after their idol shut down his Instagram account. “Justin’s Instagram was a gift from Allah,” wailed one young ISIS bride. “I left school in New Jersey to join this utopian Islamic Caliphate, but I got depressed when I realized that ‘utopia’ doesn’t look as much like Panama City Beach during Spring Break as you might think. I’m not really sure that my new husband really knows what “utopia” means…...

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

Trump Threatens to Release Video Proving Obama, Clinton Carried out Harambe Murder

At his most recent rally, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and lyin’ Hillary Clinton. I have proof from a very credible source that they together shot and killed Harambe, that poor innocent gorilla. Terrible, just terrible.” When questioned whether he was implying that government policies indirectly resulted in Harambe’s death, he quickly clarified...