Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

Trump Attempts to Put The Mideast Beast out of Business

The Mideast Beast is announcing several cutbacks following the continued buffoonery of President Donald Trump. Although the President has condemned the publication as “fake, maybe even the fakest news”, it was not his censure, but his actions, which have led to the dramatic restructuring at The Mideast Beast. Senior Researcher at the Washington Institute of Funny Shit on the Internet, Dr. Fanny Josiah, stated in a research report that The Mideast Beast has got off lightly, as satirists worldwide have...

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

UC Berkeley Offers Assisted Suicide to Students Offended by Shapiro Talk

After learning that intensive counseling had failed to heal many of the deep emotional wounds caused by the event, the University of California at Berkeley is now offering assisted suicide to students threatened by conservative journalist Ben Shapiro’s scheduled talk. “No student should ever feel threatened, harassed, or the least bit uncomfortable by being exposed to controversial or offensive ideas,” the university wrote in a letter to students. “Since such offense may be unavoidable with a Zionist Nazi like Shapiro...

WEATHER FORECAST

SUNDAY Hot girls on the beach in Tel Aviv
MONDAY Sunny with a chance of war somewhere
TUESDAY High chances of failed peace talks
WEDNESDAY Slight chance of chemical clouds over Syria
THURSDAY 100% chance of Israeli-Palestinian tension
FRIDAY 50/50 chance Turkey will be ruled by a dictator
SATURDAY Hot girls on the beach in Beirut
Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

Israel Reveals Missile Defense System Operated by Fat Kids Playing Video Games

The Israeli Defense Forces have disclosed that their state-of-the-art missile defense system is operated by fat Israeli kids playing video games. The Iron Dome system, which accurately targets enemy missiles and destroys them in mid-air, is one of Israel’s major defensive advancements of the past decade.  Gadi Eizenkot, the Chief of Staff gleefully explained the process to TMB: “We link up their PlayStations and X-Boxes to our national defense system. It’s a great way to save money on staff, plus...

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

Vegan Discovers Truth About Eid al-Adha, Starts Supporting Muslim Ban

A Californian vegan discovered the bloody truth about his supposed ‘Muslim friends’ when they invited him to join them in celebrating the Sacrifice Feast. Though they were aware of his vegan background, they mistakenly hoped their friendship and his belief in tolerance and equality would prevail over his vegan ideology. Dinner went smoothly until the second course when the vegan asked his hosts to tell him the story behind Eid Al-Adha. Once he realized ‘sacrifice feast’ referred to the literal...

From Westboro Church to Hollywood – Hate. Twitter. Love. How?

From Westboro Church to Hollywood – Hate. Twitter. Love. How?

From an online raging twitter battle to the red carpets of Hollywood, check out this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast with David Abitbol, a Jewish blogger whose tweets went from fighting with Megan Phelps-Roper, the granddaughter of the anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church, to real life friendship and now the big screen. How did Abitbol change her mind 140 characters at a time? And does he have the simple social media answer to Mideast Peace? (Probably not, but now you have to...

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

Al-Qaeda Leadership Wonders if SEALS Ever Think About Them

During a planning session of the Al-Qaeda leadership in Pakistan, one field commander wondered out loud: “Do you think the Navy SEALS still think about us?” Al-Qaeda leadership have noticed that the SEALS hadn’t visited or called in a few months, and were starting to get worried that perhaps their relationship wasn’t as stable as they thought. When President Trump took office, they were looking forward to more midnight raids by special operations forces, but since January they’ve been feeling…...

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Al Qaeda Leader Blasts ISIS in New Memoir

Saying that Islamic State caused “lasting damage” to the global jihadi movement, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri has unloaded on his ISIS counterparts in a new memoir. “Everything that we did, ISIS just kept trying to one-up us,” Zawahiri complains in the book. “We proposed declaring a caliphate once we unite the lands of Islam, and they said ‘Well, we’ll declare it immediately.’ We proposed killing all the Jews and Christians, and they said, ‘We’ll kill the Shiites too.’” ISIS’s...

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

Al-Qaeda Opens Doors to Flood Victims; Condemns Osteen

In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, Houston residents have received help from an unlikely source.  While a media frenzy developed over Pastor Joel Osteen’s refusing to open the doors of his mega church to flood victims, the assistance that Al-Qaeda was giving went unnoticed. Under the radar and without delay, Al-Qaeda opened the doors to its huge training and recruitment complex in the middle of the city.  “We didn’t wait to be asked, we just helped, it was the right...

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Former ISIS Sex Slave Struggles with New Life

Somewhere in Ohio – Djali stands quietly in a grassy field, adjacent to her small house. She stares at the horizon, says nothing, breaking the stillness only to reach down to half-heartedly tug at the browning grass. This is because Djali is a former ISIS sex slave who was freed during the liberation of Mosul. After being taken in by a rescue agency, she now struggles to adapt to her new home on Elderberry Farms. One aid worker recalled Djali’s...

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS to Sue Texas over ‘Biblical’ Hurricane Harvey

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has instructed lawyers to commence legal action against the state of Texas. A letter sent to Governor Greg Abbott outlines the case, “Our client objects to your attempts to take on the mantle of the birthplace of the ‘end of days’ with your so-called ‘biblical’ flood. It is a well-established fact that the end of the world will only commence within the confines of our region. Read your bible, people!” A spokesperson for the terror...