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Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv
It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and...
Israeli Culture Minister Calls for Boycott of FC Barcelona Supporters
Israeli Culture Minister Miri Regev ordered Wednesday a boycott of FC Barcelona fans (Barça), the soccer team for which Argentinian soccer player Lionel Messi regularly plays, following Argentina’s cancelling of its prospective soccer match against Israel in Jerusalem. The boycott will effectively bar entry into Israel of any individual who has ever expressed support of Barça. These “expressions of support”...
Al Qaeda Jihadis Undergo “Racial Bias Training”
Following accusations of racially biased terrorist operations, Al Qaeda closed all branches yesterday afternoon for jihadis to undergo ‘racial bias training’. The move was described by a senior member of the organization as “necessary to adapt to a globalized world.” “We believe that those who aren’t Muslims or Muslims who aren’t Sunnis or Sunni Muslims who refuse to pledge allegiance...
Report: Israel Is Top Existential Threat To the Word “Existential”
Earlier today, one of the leading online dictionary websites expressed its concern at the prospect of the word “existential” losing all meaning. Other experts have weighed in on this concern, removing all doubt that it is misplaced. The senior wordologist at Harvard University, Dr. Harvey Crimpus, told The Mideast Beast, “Words have to mean things. If they don’t mean things,...
Turkey Declares Itself World Capital of Free Speech
In a compulsory poll conducted by the Turkish government, the country came out on top of all other nations as the world capital of free speech. The results initially came as a shock to international bystanders considering Turkey’s growing propensity to imprison journalists and political opponents of President Recep Erdoğan. “We are pleased to announce”, Erdoğan stated upon publicly reading...
US Turns to Israel for Help with Racial Profiling
In the wake and aftermath of Ferguson protests, along with a St. Louis area black man being shot by police, and on the heels of the riots in Baltimore, state and federal authorities are scrambling to contain a major problem on their hands: the American public’s lack of acceptance of racial profiling. “This used to be a hell of a lot easier,”...
In Meeting with Kim Jong Un, Assad Expected to Focus on Human Rights
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to push North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un on the latter’s human rights record when the two leaders meet later this month. Sources close to Assad said say the Syrian ruler hopes to establish closer ties between the countries, but would not turn a blind eye to the suffering of North Korea’s people....
Israel-Hamas Trade War Looms Over Steel and Aluminum Used in Rockets
The boring conventional war between Israel and Hamas is set to escalate into a thrilling trade war, with each side accusing the other of unfair trading standards. Following President Trump’s decision to impose tariffs on steel and aluminum imports, Israel has decided to raise the issue that the metal products which make up Hamas’ rockets constitute a gross overreach in such...
Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing
Walid al-Mukdasan, the man hired by ISIS to design and produce their flags, has been let go by the terror group in a move which many of the designer’s longstanding critics say is “better late than never.” Pressure has long mounted on the group’s leadership to fire al-Mukdasan who designed the notorious flag constituting the shahada and the so-called Seal...
Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza
Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when...
Trump Visits Holocaust Memorial, Says Victims ‘Would Have Hated Crooked Hillary’
Speaking at the US Holocaust Memorial Museum, President Trump declared Tuesday that victims of the genocide “would be very happy and proud at how well our country is doing.” “Anne Frank, you like her, right? Let me tell you, she would be so happy that I finally got the NFL to make those bums stand for our national anthem. Nice!”...
Trayon White Calls for Negotiations with the Jews to End Baltimore Flooding
With the Baltimore area devastated by heavy flooding, DC Councilman Trayon White has called for negotiations with the Jews who control the weather. “It is time for us to put aside our hostility for the Rothschildren (sic) and other Jewish bankers and ask them what we must do to get this rain to end,” White, who made headlines for saying...
New Poll: 81% of Syrians Thought Coalition Strikes “Just Regular Civil War Shit”
In the wake of US, UK, and French airstrikes on Syria, a new poll by the University of Damascus indicated that 63% of the population thought the bombing was “nothing out of the ordinary”. “I woke up to the regular sound of civil war,” said an eyewitness. “I wish I had known about the airstrike. I could have skipped work.”...
Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice
With a crop of International Studies majors in the audience, Former Prime Minister of the State of Palestine, Ismail Haniyeh, announced the opening and dedication of a museum on human sacrifice. “For years I have campaigned on the principle that we as Palestinians are a people who value death, just like our enemies in Israel value life,” Mr. Haniyeh announced, standing...
Netanyahu Criticizes Hamas for Harming Israeli Bullets
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has publicly condemned the 62 Palestinians killed during the rioting on the Gazan border. Speaking to the press, Netanyahu said “These Arab rioters should feel ashamed for disrupting the travels of these brave, innocent Jewish bullets on their way through Gaza. Those bullets were simply minding their own business when they were ruthlessly assaulted by...
Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign
The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts...
UN Human Rights Council: Shoot (Your Mouth Off) First, Ask Questions Later
In a vote for an inquiry regarding the recent clashes at Israel’s border with Hamas-controlled Gaza, Australia voted against the resolution on the basis that “The UNHRC resolution pre-judged the outcome of an inquiry”. Britain abstained from the vote on the basis that it could not support an investigation that ignored Hamas’s role, and any media coverage of the conflict might interfere with...
Trump to End All Sanctions in Exchange for Lifetime Supply of North Korea Swag
In a negotiating blunder, US President Donald Trump has agreed to lift all economic sanctions on the North Korean regime and withdraw American troops from the peninsula in exchange for a lifetime supply of North Korean t-shirts, hats and paraphernalia. Reeling from sanctions and fearing a military strike, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un entered the meeting prepared to dismantle his...
Gazans Officially Run Out of Things to Set Fire To
Following weeks of protests and riots along the Gaza border with Israel as part of their “March of Return”, one Hamas spokesman has announced that Gaza has officially run out of things to set fire to, and has declared a state of emergency. “It’s official”, the spokesman said in a statement, “we’ve literally run out of things to burn. We’ve...
Hamas Officially Changes Name to ‘Unarmed Protestors’
The Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement, previously known as Hamas, has agreed to change its name to “Unarmed Protestors,” saving scores of newspaper editors and humans rights organizations from being forced to issue corrections. The name change comes after Hamas admitted that most Palestinians killed last week on the Gaza border were members of the militant group, contradicting claims in publications...