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Laurel and Yanny Mideast Style
In one of the latest viral internet stories, a recording of the word “Laurel” is heard by many as “Yanny”. While the original recording was actually “Laurel”, the alternate version can be heard if the individual has a deficiency hearing certain frequencies, or if certain frequency information is deliberately lowered and others are intentionally increased. A number of similar phrases...
Trump on Gaza Border Killings: “We Could’ve Killed Twice That Many in Half the Time.”
While many world leaders have been quick to condemn the killing of nearly 60 Palestinian protestors at the Gaza border, President Donald Trump has not only defended the action but has even gone so far as to say it was insufficient. Late Tuesday evening he tweeted, “If anything, Israel has been too soft on the Palestinians. We could’ve killed twice...
Hamas Denounces Tyrants for Stealing Headlines, World’s Attention
In a rare outburst, the leaders of Gaza have harsh words against Syria’s President Assad. When asked if this was because of the thousands of Palestinians killed by the Syrian regime including dozens during the recent the bombing of the Yarmouk refugee camp, Ismail Haniyeh replied “Sure there’s that. But we’re really pissed about his chemical weapon attacks at the time of our protests stealing our...
‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel
With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner...
Palestinians Declare East Tel Aviv Their Capital
In response to the opening ceremony on Monday of the new US Embassy in Jerusalem, the Palestinian Authority has announced that they intend to seek international recognition for a future state of Palestine’s capital to be East Tel Aviv. It is understood that in retaliation to the American action and a growing list of other countries’ joining the move inland,...
IDF to transfer Palestinian Sewage System to Terror Tunnels
In an amicable gesture of peace and cooperation, Prime Minister Netanyahu is expected to announce the transfer of all Palestinian civilian sewage responsibility directly to Hamas’ expertly engineered terror tunnels. This olive branch, a giant leap forward in Israeli-Palestinian relations, seeks to mimic the same working relationship that Israel shares with Jordan. Netanyahu’s office released a supportive message on the...
Palestinians Call Off Protests After Hearing Pastor Jeffress’s Views
Hamas leaders in Gaza have called off protests against the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem after discovering that Pastor Robert Jeffress, who delivered the opening prayer, held similar beliefs to the terror group. “This guy has said that Jews are going to hell, that Hitler was sent by God, and that the Holy Land should never be divided,”...
BBC Mistakenly Publishes Video About Israeli Eurovision Winner Despite Occupation
The Israeli winner of the 2018 Eurovision contest has been riling up quite the media frenzy- not because of her weight, culturally appropriated performance, or raunchy feminist message. The BBC has mistakenly produced a video of the Israeli singer after her Eurovision win this weekend, which left out the vital messages of oppression of Palestinians and destruction of their homeland...
Liberal American Jewish Groups: No Room in the Peace Process for New Ideas
Since President Donald Trump’s confirmation of Jerusalem as the Capital of the State of Israel, with the new US Embassy opening today, many liberal Jewish groups in the US have stated that they do not support the President’s position; chief among them is J Street, the political organization that describes itself as “the political home for pro-peace people who don’t live...
ISIS Redirects Fighters to Battle Climate Change
ISIS spokesman Abdullah da-Mullah has announced the cessation of military operations against the infidels (i.e. the world), in order to focus on a more deadly threat to the Islamic Caliphate. “We have directed our forces to halt their advance in both Iraq and Syria immediately. All offensive units have been given new orders as of this morning,” said da-Mullah. “The...
DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists
A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for...
Al-Qaeda “Definitely Not Doing Anything These Days”
Speaking to The Mideast Beast, al-Qaeda has confirmed that they are absolutely, positively not doing anything these days. Muhammad Babaganoush al-Sadiki, an al-Qaeda commander in Syria, commented, “Nope, not really up to anything these days. Just farming, and chilling, and not raising money or making chemical weapons. Expand into India? That’s crazy. What would we be doing in Yemen? We’ve never...
The American Left Misses Not Having to be Against War
The American Left has admitted that it misses the days when it didn’t have to be mad about bombing foreign countries. Dick Meskil, a liberal from Berkeley, California, explained his frustration, “Remember when President Obama ordered a drone strike killing a 16-year-old American kid? Now if it had been Bush or Trump, I would have been really mad, but deep...
Kerry to Help Iran Build Nuclear Weapon Through ‘Shadow Enrichment’
Vowing to finish what he started as Secretary of State, John Kerry is reportedly studying nuclear fission with the aim of building an atomic bomb for the Iranian regime. After hearing that US President Donald Trump was likely to exit the nuclear deal he helped negotiate, Kerry ordered several textbooks on nuclear physics before booking a one-way ticket to Tehran....
Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania
Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady. “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially...
Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys
Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys. West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President...
Kanye West: Jews “Chose” 2,000 Years of Anti-Semitism
Just a day after saying that African-Americans ‘chose’ to be enslaved for 400 years, controversial rapper Kanye West has implied that Jews were also willing participants in their own violent subjugation. “Them Jews… when you hear about all that anti-Semitism crap going on for 2,000 years – that also sounds to me like a choice,” he told TMZ in a follow-up interview....
Bowing to Pressure from Women’s March Activist, Starbucks to Ban Jews
Yielding to pressure from a handful of anti-Israel activists, Starbucks announced that Jews will no longer be allowed in any of the company’s location. The decision comes after Women’s March organizer Tamika Mallory, a supporter of Nation of Islam founder and noted anti-Semite Louis Farrakhan, tweeted her frustration over having to wait in line behind potential Zionists. “How am I...
ISIS Leader Faces Backlash After ‘Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner’ Roast
ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has drawn criticism from across the political spectrum for his performance at the annual Caliphate Correspondents’ Dinner, with many observers calling his speech offensive. Baghdadi’s performance began well, with jokes about his terror group’s diminishing territory. “I know things haven’t been going so well for us recently,” Baghdadi acknowledged. “Even Toys R Us called us to...
Jane Goodall to Conduct Primate Grooming Research on Trump and Macron
Acclaimed primatologist Jane Goodall will be conducting research on the developing physical relationship between US President Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron as part of a case study on monkey grooming in the coming months. “The presidents’ relationship, in which one grooms the other, removes excess skin from his body, rubs the other’s muscles, and checks for bone spurs,...