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Report: Israel Is Top Existential Threat To the Word “Existential”

Earlier today, one of the leading online dictionary websites expressed its concern at the prospect of the word “existential” losing all meaning. Other experts have weighed in on this concern, removing all doubt that it is misplaced. The senior wordologist at Harvard University, Dr. Harvey Crimpus, told The Mideast Beast, “Words have to mean things. If they don’t mean things, then what am I even doing here? What does it matter what I say? Banana. Sock. Gerbil balls.” The fear is that through the excessive use of the word “existential” to describe threats to the state, Israel has become the number one threat to the word it loves most. Many are now saying that Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin Bibi Netanyahu is the worst offender. Dr. Crimpus explained his anxiety over the issue, “He just says ‘existential’ so much! ‘This is an existential threat,’ ‘that’s an existential threat.’ I don’t want to compare Bibi to the boy who cried wolf, and I won’t, mostly because the comparison is ruined because Bibi makes that boy look mute.”

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Supporters of the word “existential” have begun protesting outside Israeli embassies worldwide, demanding that the word be dropped from the government’s lexicon. An anonymous Israeli official stated today that, “We use the word ‘existential’ because it accurately describes the peril in which we constantly find ourselves. Besides, it sounds so serious! Existential. It makes people take us more seriously.” Crimpus fears however, that its constant use will result in an “unwording,” in other words, that people will drop the word “existential” like an outdated iPhone. “Words are all we have! Otherwise I could just be like, balloon. Snickerdoodle poops. Fart monsters. Is that the kind of world you want to live in?!”

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