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New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Saddam Hussein’s Love for Israel
Recently leaked correspondence between Saddam Hussein and his henchmen suggest that the late Iraqi dictator had a serious crush on Israel, a country he terrorized with SCUD missiles and whose enemies he publicly supported for decades. “I wish I knew how to quit her. So petite, with that perfect, slim waist and sparkling personality. Israel is just this side of...
UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert
UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told...
Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo
Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but...
ISIS Denies Book Burning
ISIS has denied that it is burning important books despite reports that it removed some 3,000 titles from the Central Library of Mosul a few months back. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily, the groups head librarian, Mustafa Reida, said that books were removed to make way for new acquisitions. “We recently purchased a large collection of new works and...
Iran Embarks on Campaign to Recruit 12 Million Truant Middle East Children
The Islamic Republic of Iran is following up its signing of a historic framework deal with the West by reaching out to millions of school-aged children to help build the country’s nuclear infrastructure. “We’re street-legal, baby! But now that we’re in the clear, we have to hustle. Once the Western powers discover the plutonium plant we built underneath an ice skating...
Biden: “Sadists Should Be Allowed to practice Sadire Without Fear of Physical Retribution”
As the world continues to reflect on the 7 January attack on Charlie Hebdo, Joe Biden held a press conference to express his condolences to the people of France. In a prepared statement, and surrounded by his wife and family, Biden said, “Part of living in a free an open society is being able to express ourselves. Unfortunately, the satirists...
French Rightist Struggles to Convince Core Supporters that Hating Muslims Just as Satisfying as Hating Jews
Though leading France’s National Front to new heights, Marine Le Pen finds herself in trouble with old time party members who supported her father. “No matter how many times I tell them,” Le Pen explained, “those old guys just refuse to believe that hating Muslims can be just as satisfying as hating Jews.” Mrs. Le Pen, considered a serious contender...
ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions
Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since...
Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History
A new Zionist conspiracy was confirmed Monday morning when five major movie studios greenlit, simultaneously, the production of ten new films that will promote a decidedly pro-Israeli narrative. “Yeah, we’re all in on it,” Viacom spokesperson Monty Sassoon said at a surprise press conference convened by the five most profitable film companies in the world. “And by the way, you...
Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word
In a wide-ranging interview, Iranian Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, explained his distress at the world’s refusal to take him at his word. “I am a simple cleric. A servant of the All-mighty. Still, how often must I say Iran will wipe Israel from the face of the earth before people take me seriously?” Khamenei’s awareness began when he installed a...
ISIS Begins Broadcasting Executions in Simpsons Style Animation
With the whirlwind visit of Kim and Kanye in Israel, a possible US-Iran deal, the Russia-Ukraine crisis, and that annoying little problem called Global Warming all currently in full swing, ISIS has responded to being bumped off the trending lists of Google, Twitter and Yahoo! by infusing a dash of color into its normally grainy online offerings: Simpsons yellow, to be precise....
God laughs and makes bad things happen as he proclaims, ‘now you’re all screwed!’
Addressing crowds from the clouds in a loud, booming voice, God, in his most recent address, informed those listening, “You’re all truly screwed!” “Look, people. I’ve told you time and again STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. I created you and I can end you. But did you listen?” “Now I’ve had enough. I’m bringing on the pre-Apocalypse and making shit rain down....
“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry
Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to...
Hamas Set to Lift its Blockade on Israel
As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east,...
Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency
Local Tel Aviv Resident, Etai Rosenfield, expressed complete shock when he learned of Hillary Clinton’s declaration that she will seek the presidency. “I just didn’t see it coming,” Rosenfield stated in an exclusive interview. “I mean, talk about an announcement that just came out of completely nowhere!” RELATED: Hillary Clinton denies having a Jewish heritage; admits to “slight resemblance” Research from...
Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex
President Obama is facing renewed criticism after the White House acknowledged it had spent the entire government trust fund allotted for Medicare spending to purchase a watch that, upon further inspection, turned out to be a ‘Polex.’ The exchange occurred in a Persian bazaar in the outskirts of Tehran as Obama, feeling confident after the latest round of negotiations, decided...
Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places
ABC Television announced today that the upcoming season of Celebrity Wife Swap would feature none other than Sarah Netanyahu and Asma al-Assad, two first ladies who will be followed by cameras as they trade homes and families for two weeks. Patricia Lik, Senior VP of Reality at ABC, said, “So what if their husbands accuse each other of war crimes?...
Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause
One of the largest rallies in recent memory took place in the West bank today, as hundred of Palestinians gathered to demand a right to return to the land they claim was stolen from them in order to create the State of Israel. The only problem is, they ended up supporting the wrong right to return. “I just wanted to...
Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over
Following a litany of criticism over the proposed framework of an agreement on Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama came out with his strongest rhetoric to date in denunciation of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, calling his hairstyle “an obvious comb-over unfitting of a world leader.” “Netanyahu is saying I shouldn’t trust the Ayatollahs, but I don’t see them spending 45...
UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion
The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and...