“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

© Palinchak | Dreamstime.com - John Kerry Photo

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute.

Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry has not considered this question? Pushing on the Fordow issue would surely bring doom upon us all!”

RELATED: Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

The Secretary was similarly dismissive of Senator Edward Marky’s suggestion that any deal should require Iran to fully account for all previous efforts to build nuclear weapons. “Must John Kerry contend with half bloods and morons? Even suggesting Iran take such actions would invite a horde of Basilisk to turn all of us to stone.”

From there Kerry accused the entire committee of being in leagues with the dark lord – who may or may not be Bibi Netanyahu – of risking the nation’s security by daring to question the perfection of the negotiated deal, and claiming any and all suggestions indicated that the questioning Senator preferred to see his home state struck by a nuclear weapon.

Unwilling to answer any more questions, Kerry then disappeared in a puff of smoke.   His place at the table was taken by incoming Secretary of State, Professor Candide Pangloss, who explained to the committee why the Iran agreement was the best of all possible deals, in this, the best of all possible worlds.


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