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Azerbaijan Recognizes Israel’s Right to Replace Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas

Azerbaijan Recognizes Israel’s Right to Replace Palestinian Leader Mahmoud Abbas

Azerbaijani lawmakers backed a non-binding resolution on Monday that recognizes Israel’s decision to break off peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority as legitimate. “These peace talks have been in pre-production since the silent era,” noted Second Deputy Prime Minister of Azerbaijan Ferid Yaakinov. “Simply put: Mahmoud Abbas isn’t delivering a believable performance as Israel’s peace partner. Israel would be crazy...

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage
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Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) and combatants in Gaza have found common ground, as they try to comprehend how people can be more upset by a free soft rock album than the intractable problems of the Middle East. Yona Greenberg, Music Review Editor of the IDF commented, “I mean I appreciate that it’s no ‘Achtung Baby’, but I really think people need...

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World
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ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World

Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no,...

Not Yemen too!
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Not Yemen too!

Middle East rubberneckers have risen up in revolt on the news that they now have to keep track on what the hell is happening in Yemen on top of everything else. Professor William Lyons, Head of Making Complicated Things Seem Simple, at the University of Birmingham, was visibly shaken. “Shia and Sunni militants ‘clashing’,  no problem with that. Easy. But who the hell are ‘Houthis’?...

Obama Set to Address Knesset on Comptroller Report Criticizing Netanyahus’ Spending

Obama Set to Address Knesset on Comptroller Report Criticizing Netanyahus’ Spending

Following Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress blasting the White House for concessions to Iran in nuclear negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Wednesday he would address the Israeli Knesset on the recent comptroller’s report on the Netanyahus’ wasteful use of public funds on personal expenses. Insisting the move was neither personal nor political, Obama said he felt it was...

Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel
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Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel

The votes have been tallied! Today it was announced that when the heat get to them, Israelis overwhelmingly prefer a refreshing glass of blood harvested from the offspring of Christ followers! The drink, traditionally used for cooking, has surged in popularity as of late, having fallen out of favor towards the end of the Middle Ages. The increase in demand...

Israel as a Jewish* State?

Israel as a Jewish* State?

In a clear leap forward for the sorta-kinda-maybe movement, Labor Party Chairman and punctuation mark aficionado Isaac Herzog has proposed an alternative to the Jewish State Bill: the Jewish Asterisk Bill or simply The Jewish* Bill “It’s the perfect way to affirm our identity,” said Herzog. “We’re a Jewish state. Except not really. But pretty much, yeah.” “But pretty much,...

Former Governor Perry strangely praises the Jewish People
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Former Governor Perry strangely praises the Jewish People

Embarrassment reigned at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) annual policy conference in DC, as exuberant former Texas Governor and Republican Presidential contender Rick Perry took the stage saying he was glad about “all you Jews and Jewesses getting your horns removed so you can be good Americans.” Confused by the chilly reception to what he plainly intended to be a...

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

One Old Windbag With a Bad Combover Speaks to Congress About a State Most Americans Don’t Care or Feel All That Strongly About: Why is this news?

Tuesday marked the day that Prime Minister Netanyahu officially joined the ranks of America’s most maligned inhabitants: Congressional Representatives. These beings, who according to myths of old, are put in office to make laws, are usually old, out-of-touch, and old. Why Netanyahu wants so badly to rub elbows with these pathetic souls is a mystery, but the fact remains that he...

Israeli Politician Drunk Dials Abbas Offering Peace after Consuming ‘Special’ Purim Cookies
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Israeli Politician Drunk Dials Abbas Offering Peace after Consuming ‘Special’ Purim Cookies

The fine-tuned machine that is Israeli diplomacy was thrown into disarray when Palestinian Authority President Abbas released a late night voice mail left by Israeli Minister of Economy Naftali Bennett. In it Bennett made an emotional, if somewhat rambling, plea for peace. “Mahmoud, Mahmoud, why should we kill each other? You think Ayelet Shaked is a hotty, and we think she’s...

ISIS to Summer in Italy
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ISIS to Summer in Italy

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi has extended his welcome and given travel advice to ISIS for their planned summer holiday to capture Rome. Renzi told The Mideast Beast that the jihadists will be a much needed boost to the ailing economy, which has seen tourism hit particularly hard. “We’ve seen a massive influx of visitors and martyrs to Syria, Iraq and...

Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans

Netanyahu Just Not That Into Republicans

The U.S. Republican Party is getting on Bibi’s nerves. “I thought it was just going to be casual,” said the Prime Minister, referring to his upcoming address to Congress. “I was just gonna stop by for a nightcap after I finished with AIPAC but now he [Republican Party Head John Boehner] is being all weird about it.” “I’m so excited!”...

Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’
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Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’

Worried about his status as spokesperson for world Jewry, the Prime Minister’s office today announced that Bibi Netanyahu will summon a ‘rabbinic conclave’ to declare the Prime Minister ‘Pope of the Jews.’ Speaking to TID off the record, a close aide explained Netanyahu’s thinking. “At first Bibi was just going to have the rabbis make him high priest, but he...

John Kerry does a little ‘stocking up’ prior to Netanyahu AIPAC Speech

John Kerry does a little ‘stocking up’ prior to Netanyahu AIPAC Speech

A day before the start of the AIPAC (American-Israel lobby) Conference in Washington long lines of customers snaked through the aisles of Shwayder’s Boozy Emporium, the famous DC ‘beverage’ store. TID correspondent Kid Justin, a frequent patron of the store, caught up with Secretary of State John Kerry at the check-out line. “It definitely takes a lot of supplies to...

Giuliani Declares “Obama Bears the Mark of the Beast”

Giuliani Declares “Obama Bears the Mark of the Beast”

At a press conference former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani today further clarified his remarks about President Obama not loving America. “I say to you, my fellow Americans, that Obama does bear the Mark of the Beast. Six-six-six. Did he not rise out of the sea, with ten horns, and seven heads, and ten diadems? Is Obama not like...

Bahrain to Secede from Middle East

Bahrain to Secede from Middle East

In a shocking move that has baffled analysts and geography-trivia enthusiasts around the world the island kingdom of Bahrain has declared its intention to get the hell away from the Middle East and forget that it had ever been part of it. “My family has worked for decades to achieve in Bahrain a post-oil economy based on finance and tourism,...

Abbas, Khamenei Urge Netanyahu Not to Cancel Address to Congress

Abbas, Khamenei Urge Netanyahu Not to Cancel Address to Congress

While a host of Israeli politicians and Jewish leaders have called on Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu to cancel his speech to Congress set for this Tuesday, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas came out in defense of Netanyahu and urged him not to back down in the face widespread criticism. “Who cares what Obama thinks? Bibi, it’s your duty as Israel’s...

Netanyahu Heroically Tackles Comptroller Attempting Audit

Netanyahu Heroically Tackles Comptroller Attempting Audit

Days after Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat saw a dramatic rise in popularity after tackling a knife-wielding terrorist, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he has tackled the state comptroller just seconds before the official completed a report critical of the government’s economic policy. Netanyahu, according to government sources, was doing a sweep of government offices Friday morning to collect empty bottles...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress
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Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress

Efforts by the United States to reach a negotiated agreement on Iran’s nuclear program came to a bitter end Friday, as the two sides broke off talks after a dispute over the color of a dress pictured on Tumblr. A deal was on the verge on being signed, according to sources from both nations, when Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei stumbled...