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ISIS and Scientology Announce Merger
Shockwaves from Hollywood to Damascus as the breakout terror group of the 21st Century, ISIS, and the start-up “religion” of the 20th, Scientology, announced merger plans. The new organization, “ISITOLOGY,” has yet to release a logo, announce a headquarters location, or even unveil its organizational chart. Still, the announcement provoked a major multi-industry realignment. Commentator Brea KN Record described the...
Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay
A businessman with close ties to many top Saudi Arabian princes has been actively searching for a doomsday weapon to purchase, on the e-commerce company eBay’s website. “Game on,” Khaled Khalifa – one of the founders of the Saudi banking industry – tweeted over the weekend after the framework for a nuclear deal was reached in Lausanne between Iran and...
Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland
Reports are emerging that the whole Palestinian economy has been transferred to a Fatah-held bank account in Switzerland. The move comes after most of the Arab world abandoned Hamas and ISIS soared in the rich list. Hamas, who has over 300 millionaires in their ranks, is often seen cruising around the tax haven but if the resistance group is behind the...
Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity
A Saudi Arabian scientist has unlocked the secret to creating zero gravity on earth (allowing us to do cool crap like in the image above). If confirmed, the breakthrough could revolutionize space exploration and slash the energy demands of travel and transportation. Al Arabiya reported, “While the Islamic Golden Age’s most lasting contribution to humanity has been the creation of algebra, that...
ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns
The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has issued a ban on jihadists traveling from West African countries, as an increasing number of fighters for the group have expressed concerns regarding the continuing Ebola threat. “Me and a fellow obsessive Koran reader were about to invade this Christian village outside Baghdad and slaughter everyone when the guy just starts coughing,”...
Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit
The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the...
Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite
Inspired by India’s becoming the first Asian nation to place a satellite in orbit around Mars, the ‘Islamic State’ (IS) has said that it will become the first ‘country’ in the Muslim world to achieve the same feat. Speaking at the launch of the initiative, IS’ newly appointed Minister of Scientific Advancement, Ibrahim al Battani said that it was the role...
New Poll: 80% of Palestinian Men are Attracted to Israeli Women
Indicating a seismic shift in public opinion from just six months ago, a poll conducted by the Palestinian Center for Policy and Survey Research (PSR) in the West Bank and Gaza Strip revealed that close to 80% of Palestinian men want to have sex with at least one Israeli woman. “This doesn’t bode well for the cause of Palestinian independence,”...
Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control
Like all teen romances, the UN was totally infatuated by Yemen. The impoverished Arabian nation asked the global organization to assist with all her myriad problems; hunger, violence, feeling generally unloved. “What can I say,” said the UN, describing those early days. “Yemen just seemed so helpless. I felt like a hero. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for...
ISIS falsifies Twitter followers
ISIS’ Head of Social Media for Apocalyptic Doctrine has been forced to resign after it was found that he had been artificially inflating the number of followers for the group’s main Twitter accounts, with the total number of accounts operating on behalf of ISIS is somewhere around 46,000. At an official press conference in Raqqa, Anwar al-Bibi told the assembled media that...
Netanyahu Never Satisfied
Full-time Prime Minister and part-time Banana Republic ‘Seniors’ model, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu was accused by his peers at the United Nations a few months ago of ‘just never being bloody satisfied.’ “Will he just give it a rest for a day,” complained Ban Ki-moon in a rare moment of candour. “We’ve got every man and his dog dropping explosives on ISIS,...
Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance
In the most exciting development in the history of the sleepy Midwestern state, the citizens of Indiana found themselves boycotted by several organizations for the morally reprehensible law that allows organizations to boycott those in the state they find morally reprehensible. The surprised Indianans discovered themselves in kinship with several other locales suffering from the same fate: the State of...
Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle
Flush after the success at the UN, President of Iran Hassan Rouhani has said that he is launching a campaign to change the US’ current official name in Tehran to reflect greater cooperation between the two countries in the fight against Islamic terrorism. “It started when me and the big O went down to the West Village to grab some...
Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All
The timing couldn’t have been better. Just days after reaching a nuclear deal with Iran – a deal Israel says “totally sucks” – the White House held their 7th annual Passover Seder. Surprisingly, the deal didn’t even come up. No one talked about it. When asked about it, White House Press Secretary and obvious gentile Josh Earnest said, “What deal?”...
Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces
Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how...
Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”
One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and...
Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males
In a surprise twist of events, Fox News anchor Eric Bolling came out in support of racial profiling white males in an effort to protect US schools. Bolling said that he is in support of policies that promote additional levels of screening for white males in an effort to keep schools safe from mass shootings. Under Bollings plan, white males...
UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King
En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system....
Saudi Man Shocked to Discover that Wife is Really Just Two Kids Stacked on Top of Each Other Wearing a Burka
Mohammed Ahmad, a 44-year-old Saudi Arabian man, has been married for 21 years. He and his wife Sana live in a modest apartment, and have been leading normal lives. Until today when Admad made the startling discovery today that his wife is actually just two children standing on each other’s shoulders. This fact is hard to discern when they wear...
Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans
LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested...