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Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl

Leaders of Israeli Left Gather for a Play Date with Palestinian Girl

Following their embarrassing defeat to amateur cartoonist Bibi Netanyahu in the Israeli elections, leaders of the Israeli left-wing political parties gathered at the house of Rada Aburish, a four-year-old Palestinian girl from East Jerusalem. “We came to apologize for our failure at promoting the cause of persecuted minorities, majorities, orientations, disorientations, social groups, Google groups and all those who like...

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study
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Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we...

Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station
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Abbas to Resign as PA President, Will Relocate to International Space Station

Mahmoud Abbas shocked the world early Wednesday morning by announcing his intention to step down as Palestinian Authority President in six weeks’ time and join the International Space Station (ISS) habitable artificial satellite. “My prostate’s the size of a melon. Zero gravity will help with the swelling,” the Palestinian statesman said after the UN Security Council rejected a resolution on ending the Israeli...

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions
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Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

In a move that fulfilled a campaign promise – and made near every person who heard about it either hurl or say “WTF!?!?!” – NYC Mayor, Bill de Blasio is moving forward with abolishing the requirement to warn about possible disease transmission when, as part of some Bris (Jewish covenant of circumcision), a crazy ultra-orthodox rabbis goes totally vampire and sucks the blood...

Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements

Bibi Blames Escaped Evil Twin, Gribi, For Harsh Election Statements

Netanyahu’s spokesman today revealed that comments made in the lead up to Israel’s recent election regarding Arab voters and blocking a Palestinian state, were in fact made by Bibi’s previously unknown evil twin, Gribi. “The Netanyahu family doesn’t like to speak about Gribi.  He’s their dark secret.  They realized Gribi’s evil nature after the boys were born and locked him...

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria
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Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing
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Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known...

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer
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Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing...

Abbas Partying Hard at News of Netanyahu Victory

Abbas Partying Hard at News of Netanyahu Victory

79-year-old Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas danced on his desk in a drunken frenzy, sources told TID, after learning of Bibi Netanyahu’s success in the recent Israeli elections. “We were really worried,” said one aide who asked not to be named. “I mean a guy that old. He could fall and break his hip. We begged him to get down, but...

ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt

ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt

Sometimes passports just aren’t enough. When it comes to nation building, the Islamic State has amped it up to the next level: declaring their official food. “The choice was pretty obvious,” explains one ISIS member, preferring to go by the pseudonym Sharia Snacker. “Nothing says violent fundamentalist Islam like strawberry-vanilla yogurt.” The decision was unanimous. In an unrelated note, those...

Iraqis building new capital city inside Iran

Iraqis building new capital city inside Iran

The Iraqi government has announced plans to build a new capital to the east of the present one, Baghdad. The new city, to be named Shangri Mullah, will be located inside the Iranian capital, Tehran (image above). “The Islamic Republic of Iran fully supports Iraq’s territorial integrity. No threats, promises or bribes were involved in the Iraqi government’s decision to...

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour
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Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Jeb Bush’s impending presidential announcement, greeted by yawns from most, has electrified the Neo-Con fanboy community. Fans bid up tickets to Bush’s foreign policy speech, given at the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, to as high as $15. All were desperate to catch a glimpse of a neo-con ‘rockstar,’ and maybe snag an autograph. “I heard Paul Wolfowitz is on...

Parliament Speaker: Israel Stealing Fart Jokes from Lebanon

Parliament Speaker: Israel Stealing Fart Jokes from Lebanon

Ever since Israel discovered massive deposits of natural gas in the Mediterranean Sea, the country’s citizens have been brazenly lifting classic Lebanese fart jokes and claiming them as their own, a high-ranking Lebanese government representative claimed on Monday. The Deputy Speaker of Lebanon’s Parliament stated, “Israel is the most hated nation in the Middle East for one reason; it steals other countries’ best jokes.”...

Following Herzog’s Lead, Netanyahu Ends Rotation with Sara

Following Herzog’s Lead, Netanyahu Ends Rotation with Sara

A day after the left-wing Zionist Union camp announced it was abandoning its rotation of Isaac Herzog and Tzipi Livni as prime minister in the event of an election victory, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced he and wife Sara Netanyahu would also drop their rotation should the premier’s party, Likud, prevail in the election. “The rotation between Sara and Bibi...

Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics
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Israel to host 2022 Winter Olympics

In a surprising turn of events, Israel has been announced as the host of the 2022 Winter Olympics. An IOC spokesperson explained the decision “We at the IOC believe it is important to please everyone, all of the time. Human rights abuses aren’t very nice, are they? We didn’t really like the look of Kazakhstan – we watched ‘Borat’ about...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities
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Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they...

Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post
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Mel Gibson Appointed to United Nations Post

The United Nations has finally found a successor to Richard Falk for the position of Special Rapporteur for the Palestinian territories, naming actor and director Mel Gibson to the post. “When Richard left the position, we never thought we’d be able to fill his shoes,” a UN source explained to The Israeli Daily. “The guy thinks 9/11 was an inside...