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Hamas Sends Delegation to Nepal, Rendering 10,000 Pro-Israel YouTube Videos Obsolete
Hamas, the ruling power in the Gaza Strip, has sent a delegation of 300 doctors, nurses, aid workers, and tunnel technicians to Nepal to assist in the earthquake relief effort. The move has rendered nearly every pro-Israel video available on YouTube completely obsolete. This is because all pro-Israel videos mention something about the fact that Israel helps the world and...
BDS Movement Advises Nepalese Quake Victims to Boycott Israeli Aid
In the wake of a massive earthquake that left thousands dead, injured, homeless, and without basic necessities in Nepal this week, leaders of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement (BDS) offered some advice to the small nation. “If you see people offering help under an Israeli flag in the coming weeks, we ask that you simply seek assistance elsewhere,” said...
Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s
FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed...
As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam
Confirming oft-repeated rumors, White House spokesperson Ima Arz today revealed that President Barak Obama is in fact a member of the Muslim faith. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Asked why this revelation came at this time, Arz explained that after much soul searching the President had decided to abandon Sunni Islam, in favor of the minority Shi’a faction....
Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?
In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not...
Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape
Sources close to Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed reports yesterday that the Prime Minister was ‘outraged’ and ‘crushed’ after President Obama returned a box of Netanyahu’s belongings, including a mix tape made specifically for the President. “I just don’t know what happened,” the Prime Minister stated. “One day everything’s fine, the next day he’s flirting with Iran on a terrible nuke deal?...
Iran Asks United Nations to Ban Question Marks
The Islamic Republic of Iran has filed a draft resolution in favor of removing the ‘question mark’ from all official UN documents. “We feel good about our chances,” Iran’s Deputy Foreign Minister Babak Zardooz was quoted as saying. “If the Western powers are forced to stop asking questions, Iran will gladly sign a framework agreement pertaining to our completely civilian nuclear program,”...
Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators
The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most...
President of Turkey Shocked to Learn Most Americans Already Know About Genocide Against Native Americans
At a press conference called to condemn Pope Francis for saying that Turkey did ‘you know what to you know who,’ Turkish President Recep Erdogan was surprised to learn that most Americans know of their nation’s genocide against millions of Native American. A reporter questioned Erdogan about the Turks continual refusal to accept their intentional killing of 1.5 million Armenians...
Iran’s Supreme Leader Worried Obama’s “Getting Kind of Stalkery”
A shaken Ayatollah Ali Khamenei today came to the local UN police precinct to report his fear that President Obama is “getting kind of stalkery.” When questioned, Khamenei admitted his concern that he might have led the President on. “Back in 2009, Obama sent me a letter. I was flattered: he’s young, handsome, and has the whole ‘hope’ thing going....
Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish
The Deputy White House Spokesman today announced that President Obama has cleared his schedule for a crash three-day conversion course to join the Jewish People. After a Monday Mikvah dip (an oddly pleasant Jewish bath ritual), Obama will immediately depart for a brief visit to Israel. Asked why Obama was making this unprecedented move, the spokesman appeared unsure. “Well, the...
French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.
In a nod to France’s new military activism legislators on Capitol Hill are to vote to reinstate the qualifier ‘French’ in front of the fries on all menus across Washington. Speaking to The Israeli Daily a congressional staffer said that a bill would be introduced to the House in the next week. “We are hoping to acknowledge French support for...
Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It
Sources report that your friend who immigrated to Israel last year is still super smug about it. They continue to update Facebook constantly, with pictures of normal stuff; trees, smiling people, beaches, sunsets, and add the qualifier: “Only in Israel!” You are rightfully confused, because as far as you know, all those things exist in other places too. You’re pretty...
Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt
Shlomi Bezalel, a licensed private tour guide, tricked 75 Israeli tourists into thinking that they were visiting Cairo. In fact, the group never left Israel. “This was supposed to be a romantic getaway with my girlfriend. I became suspicious when I saw my wife waddling on the banks of the ‘Nile River’. What luck: that bitch has left her bedroom exactly...
Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home
An up and coming adult film actress living in Hollywood, California is stirring fierce debate in the land of her birth, causing a rift among social media users in the Islamic Republic of Iran. “This is an important dialogue that the Iranian people are conducting,” said porn star Afrooz Ahmadi on the set of her latest movie ‘Transsexuals: Age of...
“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran
An Iranian whistle blower, probably working for Mossad, has told The Israeli Daily that the Islamic Republic’s attempts to obtain nuclear power and weapons is just a smokescreen for the nation’s way to pick the next Supreme Nutter. The rules state that budding Ayatollahs and other crazies have to come up with the most outrageous statements without hindering peace talks. The...
Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews
The anti-Zionist Lobby have claimed they, just like Adolf Hitler, are not anti-Semitic and that both they and Hitler’s chief targets are coincidentally Jews. In a hard hitting interview with The Mideast Beast, the head of a coalition of groups contradictory in every one of their values except being against Israel, claimed Hitler was not against Jews but had legitimate...
Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa
Naftali Bennett, leader of The Jewish Home party and the balding hunk in the above photograph, has called for a search for a star in the Jewish State after pictures and tweets of Middle Eastern porn star Mia Khalifa, born in neighbouring Lebanon, briefly topped social media searches last week. Twenty One year old Khalifa’s claim to fame was that she...
Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge
This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be...
Israel to Install ‘Applause-O-Meter’ in Gaza to Gauge Severity of Terror Attacks
Israel has announced plans to install the Applause-O-Meter in the neighboring Gaza Strip. “Immediately following attacks in Israel, the Gaza Strip always erupts in celebration,” we were told by the IDF officer behind the project, Avner Benrimon. “There’s singing, dancing, clapping, treats, and general merriment. I just had the idea to take advantage of these activities.” The idea is to gain...