War

Nervous US-Trained Iraqi Soldiers Get Pep Talk from Tom Brady
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Nervous US-Trained Iraqi Soldiers Get Pep Talk from Tom Brady

Stressed out Sunni volunteer fighters were reassured by NFL superstar Tom Brady that “Me, the entire New England Patriots organization and my delicious Brazilian fashion model wife are confident that you’ll bring your A-game whenever ISIS comes to play,” during a graduation ceremony at Anbar Province’s Al-Taqaddum Air Base. “”I told Brady that what we really need is less jawing...

Yemen Peace Talks Stalled as Everyone Prefers Staying In Geneva
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Yemen Peace Talks Stalled as Everyone Prefers Staying In Geneva

Peace talks between Yemen’s warring factions have failed to produce a ceasefire agreement as all sides attempt to extend their time in beautiful Switzerland. Yemen President Riad Yassin squarely placed the blame on the rebel Shiite Houthi side; “My team and I are just sitting here cooling our heels in the Four Seasons, and all I all see on their...

Assad Blows up Palmyra Just to Fuck with ISIS
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Assad Blows up Palmyra Just to Fuck with ISIS

After ISIS was reported to have laid mines in the ancient city of Palmyra, Syrian warplanes were reported to have bombed the ruins just to make ISIS look bad. In a secret order obtained by the Israeli Daily, Syrian general Bar-al Bahmmz instructed pilots to “Attack, Attack now. It will look like ISIS blew it up because they just laid...

Lack of Iraqi Army Recruits Shock U.S. Military Officials
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Lack of Iraqi Army Recruits Shock U.S. Military Officials

US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has expressed surprise at the lack of young Iraqi men desperate to have their heads handed to them by a bunch of medieval sociopaths. “I mean come on, the government is offering what $5.00-$6.00 a day and your very own only slightly used AK-47,” commented Carter at a recent event in Washington. “Plus you get to...

ISIS Backs South Carolina, Will Also Fly Confederate Battle Flag
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ISIS Backs South Carolina, Will Also Fly Confederate Battle Flag

Calling it a proud symbol of a heritage worth honoring, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi staunchly backed South Carolina’s efforts to fly the Confederate battle flag over government buildings and said the Caliphate was considering adopting the flag itself. “The Confederate battle flag stands for racism, slavery, treason, oppression, discrimination. In other words, everything that’s awesome!” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli...

Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus
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Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus

Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s...

Thousands of Israelis Flee to Turkey to Escape Any More Talk about Bombing Iran
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Thousands of Israelis Flee to Turkey to Escape Any More Talk about Bombing Iran

Approximately 10,000 Israelis beating a hasty retreat from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s nonstop threats to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities have crossed into Turkey, the United Nations refugee agency said Tuesday. “Damn straight I’m a refugee. I woke up at three in the morning just to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Just as LeBron James is driving to the basket, a news...

Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand
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Islamic State Grabs ‘MILF’ Brand

Public Relations experts with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) have expressed delight at the recent decision by the Moro Islamic Liberation Front (MILF) to hand over their weapons and enter a peace accord with the government of the Philippines. “This is just a great opportunity for us to rebrand as the Muslim Islamic Liberation Front. We’ve...

Israel Defense Force Commits Crimes Against Israeli Population, says Attorney
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Israel Defense Force Commits Crimes Against Israeli Population, says Attorney

Photo: The Israeli Daily cannot confirm if these were the chairs stolen by IDF soldiers.    A complaint was logged with the International Criminal Court today about War Crimes committed by the Israel Defense Force (IDF) against the Israeli population during last summer’s Gaza War. The complaint came as the scale of the theft of chairs and umbrellas from cafes and...

The Rise of ‘Tear Technology’
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The Rise of ‘Tear Technology’

Recently, scientists have recognized a stark decline of water in the Dead Sea. “This is a phenomenon that is irreversible!” said Israeli spokesperson Eyal Dudu. Previous attempts to refill this astounding landmark of nature have proven futile because the Dead Sea continues to reject all attempted water types, including seawater from the Mediterranean.  Scientist Edward Berg recently discovered that tears have a saline...

Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed
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Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed

Mossad officials acknowledged Sunday that the future of the Jewish state is in jeopardy after British activist Asghar Bukhari exposed the agency’s long-running practice of stealing the shoes of political opponents. “While I’m not usually one to admit defeat, I would recommend all Israeli Jews start looking for another country to obtain citizenship,” the Mossad official told The Israeli Daily....

UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success
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UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success

In 1949, the United Nations became concerned with the low numbers of Palestinian refugees following the first Arab-Israeli War. In response, the UN quickly declared Palestinian refugees to be an endangered species and organized a commission, The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East, or UNRWA, to foster the growth of the failing population....

ISIS sends ‘thank-you’ letter to Israeli government
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ISIS sends ‘thank-you’ letter to Israeli government

While there is no official confirmation from the Israeli government (what else is new), it is alleged that Israeli fighter jets recently delivered a surprising 500-pound ‘wazzup?’ into a Syrian military facility in broad daylight. According to eyewitness accounts, warplanes plastered with Stars of David ‘blasted the holy harem out of a missile depot’ just outside Damascus. President Assad released a...

Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS
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Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS

Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....

United Nations Condemns All Past, Present, Future Israeli Actions
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United Nations Condemns All Past, Present, Future Israeli Actions

The United Nations Security Council (UNSC) passed a resolution earlier today stating that any and all Israeli military action constitutes war crimes.  What separates this resolution from the overwhelming number of resolutions already condemning the Jewish State is that it appears to be all encompassing.  “In case anyone hasn’t noticed, we just waste so much of our time singling out...

Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat
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Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat

ANKARA – The world’s only Muslim kinda-democracy held its kinda-democratic election on Sunday. Early results appeared to offer hope to supporters of kinda-democracy worldwide. Glorious Supreme Leader president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP (party in favor of AK rifles) lost the parliamentary majority it held since 2002, with most of the votes going to the Kurdish HDP (party in favor of HD...

Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS
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Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS

The Islamic State scored a coup today when the former president, formerly known as Jimmy Carter, held a press conference in Syria and pledged allegiance to ISIS.  “Ever since people made the mistake of voting me out of office, I just haven’t been all that sold on America,” explained Carter, who now insists on being addressed by his “Islamic name,” Ali...

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft
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ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft’s millions of players reacted with horror as a new force, ISIL, stormed across Azeroth with a force greater than any Horde. Within hours, ISIL had seized Stormwind City and was well on their way to taking all of the Southern reaches. Players described ISIL’s forces as without mercy. “My buddies and I were questing around the Swamp...