Hoping to create goodwill with the Iranian regime and boost the chances of a deal over Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama announced Thursday that his administration has executed British novelist Salman Rushdie, potentially eliminating a key sticking point in negotiations. “The Iranians have made their opposition to Mr. Rushdie’s continued existence clear for the past 26 years,” Obama told reporters....
Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad is losing yet more control over territory as rebel forces led by Al-Qaeda and ISIS gain more ground. According to British magazine “Mideast Observatory”, Assad’s forces are now in control of only two condominium buildings and a fruit stand in downtown Damascus, after having lost their control of a school in the city of Palmyra. While...
Stressed out Sunni volunteer fighters were reassured by NFL superstar Tom Brady that “Me, the entire New England Patriots organization and my delicious Brazilian fashion model wife are confident that you’ll bring your A-game whenever ISIS comes to play,” during a graduation ceremony at Anbar Province’s Al-Taqaddum Air Base. “”I told Brady that what we really need is less jawing...
Peace talks between Yemen’s warring factions have failed to produce a ceasefire agreement as all sides attempt to extend their time in beautiful Switzerland. Yemen President Riad Yassin squarely placed the blame on the rebel Shiite Houthi side; “My team and I are just sitting here cooling our heels in the Four Seasons, and all I all see on their...
After ISIS was reported to have laid mines in the ancient city of Palmyra, Syrian warplanes were reported to have bombed the ruins just to make ISIS look bad. In a secret order obtained by the Israeli Daily, Syrian general Bar-al Bahmmz instructed pilots to “Attack, Attack now. It will look like ISIS blew it up because they just laid...
US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has expressed surprise at the lack of young Iraqi men desperate to have their heads handed to them by a bunch of medieval sociopaths. “I mean come on, the government is offering what $5.00-$6.00 a day and your very own only slightly used AK-47,” commented Carter at a recent event in Washington. “Plus you get to...
Calling it a proud symbol of a heritage worth honoring, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi staunchly backed South Carolina’s efforts to fly the Confederate battle flag over government buildings and said the Caliphate was considering adopting the flag itself. “The Confederate battle flag stands for racism, slavery, treason, oppression, discrimination. In other words, everything that’s awesome!” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli...
Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s...
Approximately 10,000 Israelis beating a hasty retreat from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s nonstop threats to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities have crossed into Turkey, the United Nations refugee agency said Tuesday. “Damn straight I’m a refugee. I woke up at three in the morning just to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Just as LeBron James is driving to the basket, a news...
Photo: The Israeli Daily cannot confirm if these were the chairs stolen by IDF soldiers. A complaint was logged with the International Criminal Court today about War Crimes committed by the Israel Defense Force (IDF) against the Israeli population during last summer’s Gaza War. The complaint came as the scale of the theft of chairs and umbrellas from cafes and...
Mossad officials acknowledged Sunday that the future of the Jewish state is in jeopardy after British activist Asghar Bukhari exposed the agency’s long-running practice of stealing the shoes of political opponents. “While I’m not usually one to admit defeat, I would recommend all Israeli Jews start looking for another country to obtain citizenship,” the Mossad official told The Israeli Daily....
Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....
After months of nuclear negotiations with the United States, Iranian officials admitted they were having a hard time convincing their American counterparts that they have no interest in reaching a deal. “Look, [Secretary of State] John Kerry seems like a really nice guy and we’d hate to hurt his feelings,” said one Iranian Supreme Leader, speaking on the condition of...
Just as over the rest of the world, the Triple Crown victory of American Pharoah at Belmont – the first in more than four decades – was greeted with much celebration in refugee camps across the Middle East. “The way Pharoah sprinted at the end to win by 5 ½ lengths was just amazing” Abdul ibn Abdul from Syria, who...
ANKARA – The world’s only Muslim kinda-democracy held its kinda-democratic election on Sunday. Early results appeared to offer hope to supporters of kinda-democracy worldwide. Glorious Supreme Leader president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP (party in favor of AK rifles) lost the parliamentary majority it held since 2002, with most of the votes going to the Kurdish HDP (party in favor of HD...
The Islamic State scored a coup today when the former president, formerly known as Jimmy Carter, held a press conference in Syria and pledged allegiance to ISIS. “Ever since people made the mistake of voting me out of office, I just haven’t been all that sold on America,” explained Carter, who now insists on being addressed by his “Islamic name,” Ali...
As riots in Baltimore continue to spiral out of control, several Middle Eastern leaders have publicly considered sending forces to help maintain some sense of order and stop the chaos from spilling over into neighboring states. “We aren’t the world’s police, and we can’t be expected to intervene in such an unstable region every time the people rise up against...
As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a...
A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed...
He clambers slowly up the hill, surveying the carnage. His mouth twists into a gleeful smile as counts the burning husks of Abrams tanks around the hill, the downed jets. From the other side of the hill walks Osama bin Laden. “D-Chain, long time no see! How’s Lynne? The kids?” Cheney walks up to Osama, then embraces the undead leader...
