US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the...
The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a...
The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines...
The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the...
In a surprise announcement today, causing a global ‘thumbs up’, the Israeli government announced that it would acquiesce to the requests of countless over the course of several decades to “just go away.” Thus, the Jewish State will most likely succumb to international pressure and disband. However, this decision hinges on just a single condition: that the world’s apparent fascination...
The region of Waziristan, on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, has earned the appellation ‘Stan of Stans’ for being literally the worst place on this planet for humans to live. The Stanhabitants have endured several centuries of bloody warfare, occasionally interrupted by famine to keep everyone on their toes. Since 2004, the area has been the epicenter of America’s ‘Drone War’, with...
President Bashar al-Assad recently authorized air strikes on militia units in northern Montana in collaboration with elements of the Canadian Defence Forces and the UN. The White House was kept fully informed of the operation. The Syrian Leader was quoted, “to be completely honest I just felt that the world had become so completely unhinged that this didn’t seem that...
Business titan and inventor Elon Musk has applied his out-sized intellect to the millennia-long problems plaguing the Middle East, announcing through a spokesperson that he has a plan to eliminate “all strife in the Middle Eastern part of the world,” by Christmas. “Mr. Musk has been mulling this issue for some time now,” said one of his spokespeople. “Mr. Musk is waaaay fucking...
A human being from the UN Human Rights Council has chastised Israel for not sharing its air defense system technology with Hamas. “Has war not always been the realm of fairness? Well, this is just unfair. What we witnessed last summer was the Israelis waging genocide against people that they force to live in tunnels. Though if we’re being honest, I’m not exactly sure what...
Leaks from Washington, Tehran, and Switzerland of an imminent nuclear deal roared through Wall Street today sending terror stocks soaring in afterhours trading. Reports indicate than any deal will include the release of over $100 billion in frozen Iranian funds. Noted hedge fund manager, Gree D. Bassard, seemed to speak for the mood. “$100 billion’s a lot of scratch. And...
The President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, received an unexpected show of support from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on the centennial of the massacres that killed an estimated 1.5 million Armenians. “Your modesty about Turkey’s involvement is endearing. Your people have showed generations of young, insecure Jihadists everywhere that, with just a bit of stick-to-itiveness, it is...
Decades of sectarian strife in Iraq appear to be coming to an end, with most analysts attributing the conflict’s resolution to Starbuck’s “#ShiiteTogether” campaign aimed at exploring religious divisions between Sunnis and Shiites in the country by writing words on cups. “I had gone into a Starbucks in a Shiite area of Baghdad wearing a suicide vest and had planned...
Iran appears to hold the weaker hand in negotiations, the Iranian economy shrinking and currency depreciating, yet sources tell The Israeli Daily that Ayatollah Khamenei and his advisors are trying to identify new concessions to extract from President Obama and Secretary Kerry. A source close to Khamenei described the situation; “We’re as surprised as anybody. We knew our demands were excessive:...
After Human Rights Watch’s head Kenneth Roth tweeted condemnation of Israel for constructing a 60 bed field hospital in Nepal, sources tell The Israeli Daily (TID) that a radical offshoot of the organization called ‘No Jewish Human Rights Watch’ has dispatched a strike team to hunt down those Nepalese who accepted Israel’s offer of life saving assistance. “Defending human rights...
A White House spokesman has rejected claims by opponents of a framework agreement that the Iranian defense Minister’s had stated that all military facilities would be closed to international inspection. Iranian Defense Minister, Brigadier General Hossein Dehgan was reported as saying that “…visiting military centers are among the red lines and no visit to these centers will be allowed.” White...
Both Christian and Jewish terrorist groups today released statements that they too had long been planning attacks against Charlie Hebdo. “For too long, these godless communists had poked fun at our Lord Christ,” began the release from Perpetually Righteous Irate Christian Kooks, leader D. Amst Upid. “P.R.I.C.K. planned to stage our action the Tuesday before the action by the Satan...
As Israel has embraced new waves of immigrants entering the country, those immigrants are slowly starting to realize that the ‘land of milk and honey’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Land of milk and honey, my ass! I’ve made a huge mistake,” said David Greenberg while holding a surfboard on his way to the beach. “I left a...
US Secretary of State John Kerry said Saturday that the United States is working “very hard” to help geographically challenged Americans locate the war-torn Republic of Yemen. “I’ve pretty much tuned out of the Middle East. This State Department gig is about to end and I’ve been surfing LinkedIn for my next career challenge. I’ll manage. I mean have you ever received a...
Advanced elements of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) were arriving last night in the Lone Star State to augment Texas State Guard units in their brave resistance against Muslim Special Forces “wage war against Americans.” Colonel Yoni Fluffberg of the IDF commented, “We got a video call yesterday from the Governors office. At first it was hard to make out what...
After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to...
