War

Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed
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Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed

Mossad officials acknowledged Sunday that the future of the Jewish state is in jeopardy after British activist Asghar Bukhari exposed the agency’s long-running practice of stealing the shoes of political opponents. “While I’m not usually one to admit defeat, I would recommend all Israeli Jews start looking for another country to obtain citizenship,” the Mossad official told The Israeli Daily....

UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success
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UN Efforts to Save the Endangered Palestinian Refugee a Resounding Success

In 1949, the United Nations became concerned with the low numbers of Palestinian refugees following the first Arab-Israeli War. In response, the UN quickly declared Palestinian refugees to be an endangered species and organized a commission, The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East, or UNRWA, to foster the growth of the failing population....

ISIS sends ‘thank-you’ letter to Israeli government
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ISIS sends ‘thank-you’ letter to Israeli government

While there is no official confirmation from the Israeli government (what else is new), it is alleged that Israeli fighter jets recently delivered a surprising 500-pound ‘wazzup?’ into a Syrian military facility in broad daylight. According to eyewitness accounts, warplanes plastered with Stars of David ‘blasted the holy harem out of a missile depot’ just outside Damascus. President Assad released a...

Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS
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Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS

Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....

United Nations Condemns All Past, Present, Future Israeli Actions
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United Nations Condemns All Past, Present, Future Israeli Actions

The United Nations Security Council (UNSC) passed a resolution earlier today stating that any and all Israeli military action constitutes war crimes.  What separates this resolution from the overwhelming number of resolutions already condemning the Jewish State is that it appears to be all encompassing.  “In case anyone hasn’t noticed, we just waste so much of our time singling out...

Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat
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Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat

ANKARA – The world’s only Muslim kinda-democracy held its kinda-democratic election on Sunday. Early results appeared to offer hope to supporters of kinda-democracy worldwide. Glorious Supreme Leader president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP (party in favor of AK rifles) lost the parliamentary majority it held since 2002, with most of the votes going to the Kurdish HDP (party in favor of HD...

Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS
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Jimmy Carter Joins ISIS

The Islamic State scored a coup today when the former president, formerly known as Jimmy Carter, held a press conference in Syria and pledged allegiance to ISIS.  “Ever since people made the mistake of voting me out of office, I just haven’t been all that sold on America,” explained Carter, who now insists on being addressed by his “Islamic name,” Ali...

ISIL Invades World of Warcraft
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ISIL Invades World of Warcraft

World of Warcraft’s millions of players reacted with horror as a new force, ISIL, stormed across Azeroth with a force greater than any Horde. Within hours, ISIL had seized Stormwind City and was well on their way to taking all of the Southern reaches. Players described ISIL’s forces as without mercy. “My buddies and I were questing around the Swamp...

IDF pondering ‘use of sword’
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IDF pondering ‘use of sword’

In a move likely to scare the crap out of Israel’s neighbors, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is pondering the use of swords. “A good strategist learns from his opponents. And well, let’s face it, the sword has always worked.” Apparently, the IDF’s international law department is currently searching through international legal documents to find out if it’s even legal. “We know...

Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore
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Middle Eastern States Debate Whether to Intervene in Baltimore

As riots in Baltimore continue to spiral out of control, several Middle Eastern leaders have publicly considered sending forces to help maintain some sense of order and stop the chaos from spilling over into neighboring states. “We aren’t the world’s police, and we can’t be expected to intervene in such an unstable region every time the people rise up against...

Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert
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Assad Takes Break from Syrian Civil War to Attend Paul McCartney Concert

As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a...

Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’
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Vatican Condemns Israeli Attack on Gaza, Calls Hamas Leader ‘Good Shepherd’

A Holy See ambassador issued a stinging rebuke of the Israeli missile strikes on military training facilities in the Gaza Strip that were launched in response to an earlier firing of four rockets into Israel this week. “Our Jewish brothers in Israel have aligned themselves with the Prince of this World, Satan. As Palestinian boys and girls slept, warplanes unleashed...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown
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Reprisal of the Damned, Part III – The Showdown

He clambers slowly up the hill, surveying the carnage. His mouth twists into a gleeful smile as counts the burning husks of Abrams tanks around the hill, the downed jets. From the other side of the hill walks Osama bin Laden. “D-Chain, long time no see! How’s Lynne? The kids?” Cheney walks up to Osama, then embraces the undead leader...

Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS
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Obama Consults with Astrologer and Ouija Board Following US Loss of Ramadi to ISIS

US President Barack Obama is “looking to the heavens for help” after ISIS captured the Iraqi town of Ramadi last week, a top US official said. The senior level government source revealed that Obama decided to send 1,000 anti-tank missile systems to Iraq to defeat the Jihadi threat after “a midnight session and séance with acclaimed Thai astrologer Sorajja Nual-yu.“ According to the...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter
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Reprisal of the Damned, Part II – The Hunter

The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a...

‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone
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‘This might be more complicated than we thought,’ admits everyone

The professional commentator and activist communities were all thrown into joint turmoil recently with confirmation that the UAE and Egypt had combined forces to bomb pickup truck-driving locals in downtown Tripoli. “Say what now?” asked Expressive Dance student, Evan Gents, from his squat in the East End of London. “Woah, you’re blowing my mind. Do I need to add some more lines...

Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual
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Reprisal of the Damned, Part I – The Ritual

The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the...