Israel has confirmed in an interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) that this nonsense with Turkey has convinced it that it’s time to leave the region. “Look I’ve been trying to make this work since at least 1948, but shit is just getting more messed up by the day. I wake up this morning, pick up my copy of The Jerusalem...
After reports emerged of Planned Parenthood selling the body parts of fetuses for profit, new evidence has surfaced of cooperation between the IDF and Planned Parenthood to harvest organs from Palestinian babies. According to classified documents obtained by The Mideast Beast, contact between the two organizations began during Operation ‘Cast Lead’, when Planned Parenthood noticed the opportunity for a huge profit from the...
Right on the heels of, what can only be described as ‘truly successful efforts’, to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and force Iran to abandon its nuclear program, Secretary of State John Kerry announced he has set a six-month timetable for bringing an end to the 1,300-year Sunni-Shia divide. “We hope to get both sides to the negotiating table immediately for six...
Saying it is committed to remaining neutral in the conflict in Crimea, Turkey announced this weekend that it has begun bombing both Russian and Ukrainian targets. “The Crimea war is a dispute between the Russian and Ukrainian governments in which we have no stakes or claims, and we will not get involved,” said a spokesman for the Turkish government. “That...
In a shocking move on the heels of an historic nuclear treaty with the international community, the Iranian government has submitted an application for the trademark of the phrase “nuclear holocaust.” Predictably, the leaders of some small countries that have super-obvious combovers have come out in opposition to the application, claiming ownership over the phrase, “nuclear holocaust,” is suspicious –...
Was it a sign from the God of Israel? Or the hand of Mossad? Doesn’t matter much. The trauma and psychological damage is done, as approximately 80 people were injured in a mad dash set off when a mouse was spotted at a mosque full of worshippers in Morocco. “First of all, the mouse wasn’t spotted. It was mousy-brown with beady...
Terror tunnels? Or man caves? In an effort to calm ongoing tensions along the Israeli-Gazan border, a joint venture with Hamas’ Board of Tourism and Zionist startup 2waystreet is operating exclusive summer tunnel tours. From now until rainy season or rocket season, whichever comes first, Gaza has opened its sophisticated network of military tunnels to the public. Tourists and sightseeing...
Bored with flaccid Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner has fled the glam life for a cause beyond trans equality. According to sources close to the Kardashian clan, Kris Jenner was stunned to hear the news about her ex-hubby. “What the Fallujah are you talking about? Yazidis? I just saw Bruce. Cait. Three days ago in Tiffany’s on Rodeo Drive.” The 65-year-old former...
Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...
Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize...
After Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a...
Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot...
Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due...
Nuclear non-proliferation has become a hot-topic under the Obama administration, with the President having reached nuclear agreements with both Russia and Iran during his time in office. Despite these facts however, it has become clear that countries determined to build nuclear weapons will find the means as long as they have the will to do so. In light of this...
The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology...
MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv,...
The flow of young female jihadists from Europe is causing a challenge for ISIS’ chief morale officer Muhammad bin Youssef as his team tries to combat homesickness. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily bin Youssef said that the organization was failing to live up to the expectations of these recruits and was identifying ways in which it could make the...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....
George Clooney has parted from leggy, Lebanese-born human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin, and joined the ragtag band of Kurdish fighters resisting ISIS on the Turkish-Syrian border. “I thought Amal would use her connections to help me become President of the United States. Instead, that clingy bitch did nothing but nag me about poker nights with Matt Damon and Don Cheadle,”...
In a recent public statement, U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter announced that new intelligence reports indicate that there are in fact human women underneath burqas in Afghanistan. “This comes as a great surprise to us,” said Secretary Carter. “Our on-the-ground operatives in the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan have, up until this point, been unaware of the true nature...
