War

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

ISIS Sends Congratulatory Note to Turkish Leader on Anniversary of Armenian Genocide

The President of Turkey, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, received an unexpected show of support from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria on the centennial of the massacres that killed an estimated 1.5 million Armenians. “Your modesty about Turkey’s involvement is endearing. Your people have showed generations of young, insecure Jihadists everywhere that, with just a bit of stick-to-itiveness, it is in fact possible to obliterate crusader armies. The devil worshippers have been looking over their shoulders ever since the Ottoman...

Iraqi Conflict Nears Resolution Following Starbucks’ Successful Campaign Against Sectarianism

Iraqi Conflict Nears Resolution Following Starbucks’ Successful Campaign Against Sectarianism

Decades of sectarian strife in Iraq appear to be coming to an end, with most analysts attributing the conflict’s resolution to Starbuck’s “#ShiiteTogether” campaign aimed at exploring religious divisions between Sunnis and Shiites in the country by writing words on cups. “I had gone into a Starbucks in a Shiite area of Baghdad wearing a suicide vest and had planned on detonating myself after the first sip of my soy mocha latte. But then I saw the barista had written...

Kerry Blames Ebola Outbreak on Lack of Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Kerry Blames Ebola Outbreak on Lack of Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Addressing the Ebola outbreak that began in 2014, Secretary of State John Kerry blamed the spread of the disease on a lack of progress in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. “Talks were going fine, the disease was under control, then Israel announced that they were building these new settlements in East Jerusalem and Netanyahu announced “no Palestinian State under my watch”, and ‘poof,’ people are showing up in Dallas emergency rooms with Ebola-like symptoms. Do I really need to draw everyone a...

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iranians Busy Thinking Up New Concessions to Demand From Obama and Kerry

Iran appears to hold the weaker hand in negotiations, the Iranian economy shrinking and currency depreciating, yet sources tell The Israeli Daily that Ayatollah Khamenei and his advisors are trying to identify new concessions to extract from President Obama and Secretary Kerry. A source close to Khamenei described the situation; “We’re as surprised as anybody. We knew our demands were excessive: an immediate end to all sanctions, the release of over $100 billion frozen in foreign banks, keeping thousands of spinning...

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

Radical Offshoot of Human Rights Watch Sends Strike Team to Nepal to Assassinate Victims Saved by Israel

After Human Rights Watch’s head Kenneth Roth tweeted condemnation of Israel for constructing a 60 bed field hospital in Nepal, sources tell The Israeli Daily (TID) that a radical offshoot of the organization called ‘No Jewish Human Rights Watch’ has dispatched a strike team to hunt down those Nepalese who accepted Israel’s offer of life saving assistance. “Defending human rights requires shedding blood,” wrote NJHRC’s leader, Sub Commander Fred. “Usually that’s Jewish blood, so nobody really cares, but this situation...

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

Iran Agrees to Full and Open Inspections Everywhere, Except Places They Might Keep a Nuclear Bomb

A White House spokesman has rejected claims by opponents of a framework agreement that the Iranian defense Minister’s had stated that all military facilities would be closed to international inspection. Iranian Defense Minister, Brigadier General Hossein Dehgan was reported as saying that “…visiting military centers are among the red lines and no visit to these centers will be allowed.” White House spokesman Mr. Robert Onuttin explained that the President considered that statement “unfortunate,” because “honestly, we don’t need this shit...

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Christian, Jewish Terrorist Groups Announce they too Planned to Attack Charlie Hebdo

Both Christian and Jewish terrorist groups today released statements that they too had long been planning attacks against Charlie Hebdo. “For too long, these godless communists had poked fun at our Lord Christ,” began the release from Perpetually Righteous Irate Christian Kooks, leader D. Amst Upid. “P.R.I.C.K. planned to stage our action the Tuesday before the action by the Satan worshippers at ISIS. However, we were delayed. “The Last Temptation of Christ” was playing on the big screen. The Director’s...

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

New Israeli Immigrants Realize They’ve Made a Huge Mistake

As Israel has embraced new waves of immigrants entering the country, those immigrants are slowly starting to realize that the ‘land of milk and honey’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. “Land of milk and honey, my ass! I’ve made a huge mistake,” said David Greenberg while holding a surfboard on his way to the beach. “I left a six figure salary in New York and came to Tel Aviv where the only apartment I can afford is a...

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’

Kerry: ‘We’re Focused on Teaching Americans to Find Yemen on a Map’

US Secretary of State John Kerry said Saturday that the United States is working “very hard” to help geographically challenged Americans locate the war-torn Republic of Yemen. “I’ve pretty much tuned out of the Middle East. This State Department gig is about to end and I’ve been surfing LinkedIn for my next career challenge. I’ll manage. I mean have you ever received a call from some assclown trying to sell you office supplies who had this fantastically pretentiousness Boston Brahmin accent? Not bloody...

Israel Defense Force Arrives in Texas at the Behest of Governor

Israel Defense Force Arrives in Texas at the Behest of Governor

Advanced elements of the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) were arriving last night in the Lone Star State to augment Texas State Guard units in their brave resistance against Muslim Special Forces “wage war against Americans.” Colonel Yoni Fluffberg of the IDF commented, “We got a video call yesterday from the Governors office. At first it was hard to make out what he was saying, as he was under the desk and whispering something about ‘they’re here!…’ But once we lured him...

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After Barely Surviving Latest Assassination, Hamas Leader Now Just an Eyeball

After reports came out that the head of Hamas’ military wing, Mohammed Deif, was still alive and active after a fifth assassination attempt, it was confirmed, that no longer able to take physical form, Deif is now just a large fiery eye ball that sits atop a residential building in Gaza. The Hamas military wing commander was previously confined to a wheelchair and in some reports even missing limbs after previous unsuccessful attempts. RELATED: Hamas Frustrated It Continues to Receive World...

Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s

Suspected Suicide Bomber, Awan Boudi, Captured at McDonald’s

FBI agents swarmed a McDonald’s in Los Angeles and arrested an alleged suicide bomber linked to the Syria-based Nusra Front on Wednesday. The Lebanese daily Al-Pharteen identified the accused martyr in the making as 42-year-old Awan Boudi, a resident of the southern Lebanese village of Jezzine. “The Feds slapped me so hard, they broke my mother’s nose,” Boudi told his court-appointed attorney, Thomas Wanks. According to the Al-Pharteen report, “Boudi was apprehended while munching on a Southern Style Crispy Chicken sandwich...

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?

In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not know. Unless they’re buying them anonymously over the internet? But then someone knows they’re shipping orange jumpsuits to Iraq or...

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most notably Russia’s Vladimir Putin who is currently on vacation in Ukraine and Iran’s radioactive Supreme Leader. “But,” he sobbed, “there...

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al leaves retirement to re-assert sovereignty over Canaan

Ba’al, the master deity and supreme sky lord of the ancient Near East has decided to re-assert his authority over the peoples of modern day Israel. After retiring to Florida nearly 2,000 years ago, Ba’al has stated that his successors, Yahweh and Allah have “totally fucked shit up,” and have left him with no other choice than to return to his former job. Although he spent much of his time in retirement painting landscapes, Ba’al has admitted in an exclusive...

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

“Psyche! We never wanted a bomb”, says Iran

An Iranian whistle blower, probably working for Mossad, has told The Israeli Daily that the Islamic Republic’s attempts to obtain nuclear power and weapons is just a smokescreen for the nation’s way to pick the next Supreme Nutter. The rules state that budding Ayatollahs and other crazies have to come up with the most outrageous statements without hindering peace talks. The leading contender so far has been the military who got away with ‘Death to America’ without anyone, anywhere thinking that...

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told The Mideast Beast. “To be honest, we had the resolution in the hopper and ready to go since the ceasefire...

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Iranian State Media Wins Pulitzer for Gaza War Coverage

Press TV, Iran’s state-run media arm, was the big winner at the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, winning multiple honors for its coverage of Israel’s 50-day war with Gaza last summer. The award for investigative reporting went to the network for its account of Israel’s attempt to take down a commercial airplane leaving Gaza City by releasing hundreds of venomous snakes in the flight’s luggage compartment. Press TV also won an editorial award for its exposé on Israel’s practice of sending killer...

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas Declares Jihad on Animals in the Jerusalem Zoo

Hamas has announced an uncharacteristic change in policy. The organization released a statement declaring their usual intent to destroy Israel, but this time, with something a little extra. “The animals living in the Zionist zoo will also be held accountable. They are as guilty of occupying Palestinian land as any big nosed bi-ped. Those meer cats might look cute, but don’t be fooled, they straight up hate all Muslims,” read the statement. The IDF refused to comment directly, only saying...

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS Denies Book Burning

ISIS has denied that it is burning important books despite reports that it removed some 3,000 titles from the Central Library of Mosul a few months back. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily, the groups head librarian, Mustafa Reida, said that books were removed to make way for new acquisitions. “We recently purchased a large collection of new works and the other books have been removed into storage or placed online. There hasn’t been any burning we’re not Nazis.” RELATED: ISIS...