War

Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces
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Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces

Saying it is committed to remaining neutral in the conflict in Crimea, Turkey announced this weekend that it has begun bombing both Russian and Ukrainian targets. “The Crimea war is a dispute between the Russian and Ukrainian governments in which we have no stakes or claims, and we will not get involved,” said a spokesman for the Turkish government. “That...

Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”
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Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”

In a shocking move on the heels of an historic nuclear treaty with the international community, the Iranian government has submitted an application for the trademark of the phrase “nuclear holocaust.” Predictably, the leaders of some small countries that have super-obvious combovers have come out in opposition to the application, claiming ownership over the phrase, “nuclear holocaust,” is suspicious –...

Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis
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Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis

Terror tunnels? Or man caves? In an effort to calm ongoing tensions along the Israeli-Gazan border, a joint venture with Hamas’ Board of Tourism and Zionist startup 2waystreet is operating exclusive summer tunnel tours. From now until rainy season or rocket season, whichever comes first, Gaza has opened its sophisticated network of military tunnels to the public. Tourists and sightseeing...

Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions
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Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions

Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...

UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal
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UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize...

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish
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“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

After  Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a...

Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America
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Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America

Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot...

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS
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U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due...

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents
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Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology...

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell
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Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv,...

Dangerous Destinations and Activist Tours: Hottest Trends in Travel
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Dangerous Destinations and Activist Tours: Hottest Trends in Travel

Extreme sports are so last decade. The phrase ‘so last decade’ is so 2013. And forget drinking, drugging and binge watching. That’s so last weekend. According to research findings at Instant Gratification Institute in Tel Aviv, thrill seekers are abandoning so-called traditional dangerous adventures of shark cage diving in Cape Town, running of the bulls in Pamplona and bare-back riding in...

X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS
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X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS

The flow of young female jihadists from Europe is causing a challenge for ISIS’ chief morale officer Muhammad bin Youssef as his team tries to combat homesickness. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily bin Youssef said that the organization was failing to live up to the expectations of these recruits and was identifying ways in which it could make the...

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media
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Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....

Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans
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Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans

Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has penned a controversial letter to a major Jewish donor vowing to offer Israel “total” support in its next war with the Gaza Strip’s Islamist rulers. The leaked letter, sent last week to an Israeli-American media mogul, promises to allow Israel carte blanche in any future war with Hamas, including a presidential green light to kill...

DOD Shocked to Learn Women, Not Cyborg Baby Incubators, Beneath Afghan Burqas
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DOD Shocked to Learn Women, Not Cyborg Baby Incubators, Beneath Afghan Burqas

In a recent public statement, U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter announced that new intelligence reports indicate that there are in fact human women underneath burqas in Afghanistan. “This comes as a great surprise to us,” said Secretary Carter. “Our on-the-ground operatives in the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan have, up until this point, been unaware of the true nature...

In Goodwill Gesture to Iran, Obama Executes Salman Rushdie
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In Goodwill Gesture to Iran, Obama Executes Salman Rushdie

Hoping to create goodwill with the Iranian regime and boost the chances of a deal over Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama announced Thursday that his administration has executed British novelist Salman Rushdie, potentially eliminating a key sticking point in negotiations. “The Iranians have made their opposition to Mr. Rushdie’s continued existence clear for the past 26 years,” Obama told reporters....