War

Exclusive: The Mideast Beast Releases Leaked Al Qaeda Job Application
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Exclusive: The Mideast Beast Releases Leaked Al Qaeda Job Application

Recently, the U.S. government released a trove of documents found in 2011 in Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, including an al Qaeda job application form. Through an anonymous source (it was Joe Biden), The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of this form.   Al Qaeda Job Application Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, the world’s number...

Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes
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Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes

U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, has floated the possibility of providing Iran with nuclear weapons from its stockpile of ‘like-new’ surplus inventory. According to Kerry, “This action would eliminate the need for Tehran to develop weapons of mass destruction; cut valuable manufacturing time; do away with all the rather cumbersome problems of inspection and verification, which they won’t agree...

Chinese Caliphate “ISUS” Faces Multi-Million Dollar Counterfeiting Suit
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Chinese Caliphate “ISUS” Faces Multi-Million Dollar Counterfeiting Suit

According to various news reports, The Islamic State has filed a massive lawsuit with the International Criminal Court against ISUS, or the “Islamic State Universal Sales Corp” over alleged counterfeiting and copyright infringement breaches. Calling itself “a cost-effective brand” that offers “Quality Jihad,” ISUS emerged soon after the founding of the original, when potential recruits complained about the high cost...

Iranian Leader Questions Obama’s Citizenship; Halts Negotiations
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Iranian Leader Questions Obama’s Citizenship; Halts Negotiations

Nuclear negotiations have come to a halt as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, demanded to see President Obama’s long-form birth certificate before continuing discussions. Khamenei’s decision came after a letter sent by 47 Senate Republicans revealed that any deal signed with the President would be null and void because of a law requiring that he be born in the United...

Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report
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Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report

Syrians have welcomed a new BBC report stating that air quality has improved substantially in the Middle East since the start of the civil war. Syrian civilian Abu Uba commented, “It’s really amazing news. Apparently levels of nitrogen dioxide have plummeted over Damascus and Aleppo. My family’s life expectancy should sky rocket. If it wasn’t for, you know, rockets…” One...

‘End of the World’ Will Ruin Iran’s Dreams of Wiping Israel Off the Map
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‘End of the World’ Will Ruin Iran’s Dreams of Wiping Israel Off the Map

According to numerous biblical theorists, a massive asteroid, meteor, or comet, large enough to spell the end of mankind is on a collision course with Earth. The disturbing claim along with several other end-time prophecies has created panic and mass hysteria worldwide. Despite The National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s (NASA) attempts to calm fears and tamp down the doomsday prediction,...

Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment
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Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment

As the number of Syrian rebels undergoing US Army training reaches 60 of the hoped-for 5,400, US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has admitted that standards may have to “drop just a tad.” “At the moment a lot of people seem to think we are a being a bit too prescriptive in our selection procedure. For example, we ask whether they’ve...

Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death
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Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death

His Holiness, Pope Francis is set to return the Catholic Church to ‘good old fashioned values’ at the latest meeting of senior Catholic leaders discussing doctrinal changes next week. Sources close to the infallible funny hat-wearer indicate that he will announce that anyone seeking to leave the Church will be killed. While there is no love lost between Christians and...

After Reading Amnesty International Report, Netanyahu a Bit Jealous of Hamas
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After Reading Amnesty International Report, Netanyahu a Bit Jealous of Hamas

Following the release of an Amnesty International report accusing Hamas of executing political opponents (among other war crimes) during last summer’s war in Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was reportedly seen kicking himself for leaving his own domestic critics unharmed during the operation. “While I’m wasting my time and taxpayer money creating bogus ministries and made-up positions for my political...

PETA Begins Siege of Gaza In Response to Hamas Capture of Israeli Spy Dolphin
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PETA Begins Siege of Gaza In Response to Hamas Capture of Israeli Spy Dolphin

It’s been quite a few years since the world has seen Pamela Anderson, renowned PETA activist, storming a beach – but that may soon change. Wednesday, Hamas announced that it had captured a dolphin serving as a trained Israeli spy. In response, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), a U.S. based group of zealots activists, announced that they...

Spy Dolphin Captured by Hamas ‘Part of Zionist Conspiracy’, Says Official

Spy Dolphin Captured by Hamas ‘Part of Zionist Conspiracy’, Says Official

Hamas has captured a Zionist ‘double agent dolphin’, an official stated earlier today to the world’s press. The allegedly heavily armed Jewish marine mammal was captured just off the shore of Gaza. The Hamas spokesperson declared the capture to be, ‘A gift from god – we are ecstatic. ‘He hasn’t said much yet. We’re waterboarding him every few minutes, and...

Americans, Iranian Hardliners Join Together for ‘Death to America’ Rally
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Americans, Iranian Hardliners Join Together for ‘Death to America’ Rally

Iranian hardliners and American opponents of the proposed nuclear deal held a joint “Death to America” rally at the National Mall in Washington, confirming President Obama’s claims that the two sides have been in cahoots in opposing the landmark agreement. “This deal does not guarantee ‘anywhere, anytime’ inspections, as promised,” Senator Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat and radical Shia...

Dentist Who Killed Cecil the Lion Seeks Asylum in Gaza Safe House
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Dentist Who Killed Cecil the Lion Seeks Asylum in Gaza Safe House

Israeli operatives inside the Gaza Strip are reporting that American Dentist Walter J. Palmer, the crossbow hunter and executioner of beloved Cecil the Lion, is under Hamas Protected Custody. In a weak moment of ‘gotcha’ ecstasy, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh expressed his delight in hiding the blood thirsty American fugitive and scoring a public relations coup. The Mideast Beast correspondent in...

Israel Promises Palestinian Child’s Killers Will Do “The Hardest Community Service Hours There Are”
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Israel Promises Palestinian Child’s Killers Will Do “The Hardest Community Service Hours There Are”

After the killing of Palestinian child Ali Dawabsha by Israeli settlers, Israel has promised that when caught, the assailants will be subject to a community service regime unheard of in previous cases of settler violence. “Terrorism is terrorism,” said a statement released by the Justice Ministry. “We will set a precedent to show that behavior like this is absolutely unacceptable....

Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis
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Hezbollah Ends All Military Activity in Response to Garbage Crisis

Lebanon’s waste management disaster has crippled the Party of God’s ability to function, forcing the militant group to quit the war waging business. “I was on the rooftop of an underground nightclub, just groovin’ to ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ and getting ready to launch a rocket into the living room of a Lebanese member of parliament. All of a sudden, thousands...

France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran
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France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran

French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius delivered a short note to Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani from French President Francois Hollande: “We quit. Paris is yours. Good luck in Syria and Yemen.” “We are of course deeply flattered by the French government’s capitulation. We thought we were meeting to work out a deal for Iran to start building Peugeot cars. After seven hours of...

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb
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Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Building on the great success of the State Department’s initiative allowing Tweeters to weigh in on how to prevent terrorism, the Pentagon has unveiled its new “#WhoElseShouldWeBomb?” campaign. “We want your input. Share who you’d like us to attack. Are Iraq and Syria enough or are there countries we’re forgetting?” the Department of Defense’s official Twitter account Tweeted early Saturday, ending with...