War

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east, and south. The international community applauded the decision, though many are still unsure what ‘international community’ actually means. In an...

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and fucking off to the Israeli side of the border at the first sign of trouble. A UN peacekeeper, wishing to...

Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay

Saudi Arabian Government Representative Caught Trolling for Nuclear Bomb on eBay

A businessman with close ties to many top Saudi Arabian princes has been actively searching for a doomsday weapon to purchase, on the e-commerce company eBay’s website. “Game on,” Khaled Khalifa – one of the founders of the Saudi banking industry – tweeted over the weekend after the framework for a nuclear deal was reached in Lausanne between Iran and Western powers. While the Saudi Arabian government has officially welcomed the pact with Tehran, Khalifa is deeply skeptical. RELATED: Israel to...

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has issued a ban on jihadists traveling from West African countries, as an increasing number of fighters for the group have expressed concerns regarding the continuing Ebola threat. “Me and a fellow obsessive Koran reader were about to invade this Christian village outside Baghdad and slaughter everyone when the guy just starts coughing,” explained Ahmed, one of the ISIS fighters who petitioned for the travel ban. “So I said, ‘Habibi, where are you...

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Like all teen romances, the UN was totally infatuated by Yemen. The impoverished Arabian nation asked the global organization to assist with all her myriad problems; hunger, violence, feeling generally unloved. “What can I say,” said the UN, describing those early days. “Yemen just seemed so helpless.   I felt like a hero. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. I was just giddy in love. Like Paradise by the Dashboard Light, you know, we always loved that song,...

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS’ Head of Social Media for Apocalyptic Doctrine has been forced to resign after it was found that he had been artificially inflating the number of followers for the group’s main Twitter accounts, with the total number of accounts operating on behalf of ISIS is somewhere around 46,000. At an official press conference in Raqqa, Anwar al-Bibi told the assembled media that he would be stepping down from his post as head of the Islamic State’s Social Media Unit after it was...

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how far the intruder got, and the overall undisciplined culture of the secret service, we knew we had found the right...

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested that I shouldn’t personally be involved in the negotiations,” commented a relaxed Barack Obama enjoying a fish dinner at a...

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force at the slightest hint of a provocation, and this American infidel seems like the perfect fit,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told...

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian areas in Israel. The Center-Left party, The Zionist Union, has welcomed the move with it’s leader Herzog saying an agreement...

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

As proof that his negotiating acumen has succeeded in ‘serious concessions’ from Iran on behalf of Israeli security, Secretary of State John Kerry today revealed the mullahs agreement never to nuke the Jewish state on a Monday, Wednesday or Sunday. “John Kerry understands the serious security concerns of the Israeli people,” Kerry explained, as he spoke about himself in the third person. “Well with this agreement we’ve done just that. By our reckoning we’ve made Israel 43% safer.” Prime Minister...

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Rumors abound that Angelina Jolie, one of the most powerful women in the world, is set to resign as United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Ambassador in response to the organization’s withdrawal from Yemen. “150 UN staffers fled Yemen’s capital over the weekend. Were the peace talks cut out in post-production? Great, another country with a refugee crisis that I have to learn lines for. I’m tired of doing sequels. See you at Cannes. Ciao,” The actress, filmmaker and humanitarian stated...

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I think people took his ‘Death to America’ remarks last week a bit too seriously. I mean, when Israel says something...

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had a bit too much Yeni Raki, at some all-night rave in Kobani. He was retching all over the cockpit as...

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier titles and the opportunity for considerable crossover merchandising. Therefore, a newly planned thrust into the Lebanon next Spring will become...

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas came in a kaleidoscope of colours, textures, sizes and flavors. However, the entire cache of condoms was also giving off...

UN troops abandon mission…again.

UN troops abandon mission…again.

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, under-paid soldiers from the developing world to really dangerous ‘hot spots’ in order to maintain peace and stability. I mean, come...