War

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier titles and the opportunity for considerable crossover merchandising. Therefore, a newly planned thrust into the Lebanon next Spring will become...

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas came in a kaleidoscope of colours, textures, sizes and flavors. However, the entire cache of condoms was also giving off...

UN troops abandon mission…again.

UN troops abandon mission…again.

In a ‘not-in-the-least-shocking’ move, United Nations peacekeeping troops stationed in Syria have abandoned their headquarters and crossed over into Israel. According to one commander in the UN’s Pack up and Run Department, “It is true that this is the 177th time we’ve ‘pulled a roadrunner’ since the UN was established. But, we will continue the tradition of sending semi-trained, under-paid soldiers from the developing world to really dangerous ‘hot spots’ in order to maintain peace and stability. I mean, come...

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

Israel is ‘Criminal State’

The human rights group “We know nothing about the Middle East” or WKNATME has accused Israel’s government of being a criminal organization. 

“Being a democracy and providing a high-standard of living just cannot be done via legitimate means,” said Sandy Guinness who makes coffee for the teenager that runs their website from a truck stop café outside Dublin. “Israel is mostly Jewish, therefore mostly corrupt. Look, I don’t believe the whole ‘drinking the blood of Palestinian children’ thing but they...

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Operation ‘Frenemy’ begins in Syria

Up until now as confusing as Bashar al-Assad’s wispy moustache, America’s war against ISIS in Syria will soon hone in on who the enemy exactly is by incorporating that most effective weapon of mass distraction: the text message. Rebels of questionable allegiance will be sent this electronic message: “USA: BFF or DOA?” Based on their answers, the White House will either increase funding or have the Pentagon throwdown hardcore. RELATED: Saudi pilot earns MVP award for ISIS strike in Syria White...

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

Israel Begins Construction of Glass Houses in Attempt to Discourage Stone Throwing

This week Israel announced that it will begin to build glass houses for Palestinians in the hopes that the delicate domiciles will discourage the stone-throwing that has become a staple of clashes with Israeli police. “The throwing of rocks at our security forces has reached unacceptable levels,” a high-ranking Israeli intelligence official announced earlier today. “Look, it’s a well known phrase, ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.’ So that’s the strategy we’re pursuing.” The process of moving Palestinians into...

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

Assad Admits he ‘Overcompensates’ for his Father’s Belief that He’d Never Amount to Much of a Mass Murderer

In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad admitted that he likely ‘overcompensates’ for his father Hafez Assad’s opinion that he wasn’t up to succeeding in the family business. “My father was a very competitive man. Self made. Really liked to murder people with his own hands. So you can imagine what that was like growing up: everyday he’s talking about our neighbor’s kids’ accomplishments. ‘Did you hear Qusay’s crushed another rebellion?’ Or ‘Uday made those...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they also have Rob Schneider, so maybe that’s they’re way of trying to balance things out. Anyhow, It’s not that we...

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea of launching the #askhamas campaign in English across social media. “We can’t let people actually know what we’re like!” exclaimed...

Hurray for Pallywood!

Hurray for Pallywood!

It’s all “Lights, Cameras, Action” this year and we don’t mean the sky above Gaza. That’s because the Palestinian Authority has announced it will open Pallywood Studios in Syria after the roaring success of its summer collection of short films and photographs in 2014. Previously only shot with a hand camera, a dose of deceit and editing software, the new centre will offer 1,000 jobs to Hamas and Fatah officials with none for the general Palestinian public. Speculative internships are welcome. RELATED: In...

Bashar Assad Blames Syrian Civil War Death Toll on Lack of Doctors

Bashar Assad Blames Syrian Civil War Death Toll on Lack of Doctors

Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused his country’s medical professionals of violating their Hippocratic Oath by abandoning the approximately 200,000 men, women and children who have perished since civil war broke out four years ago. “Truth be told, most of the injuries started out as flesh wounds. Had our doctors not up and left their countrymen, the death toll would have been no higher than fifteen, twenty at most,” Assad asserted in a recent interview with the BBC. The Syrian...

UAE Plane Geeks to be Released

UAE Plane Geeks to be Released

The United Arab Emirates has stated it will release three men accused of spying against the country after realising they are only a danger to themselves. The three men, two from the UK and one based in Dubai, were arrested after being observed taking notes on the planes flying in and out of the airport. According to local police when questioned the three men said that they were ‘aviation enthusiasts’, however when asked were unable to produce any well composed...

Operation ‘Money-Maker’: a story for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere

Operation ‘Money-Maker’: a story for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere

In an exciting development for tinfoil hat wearers everywhere, sources have confirmed to The Israeli Daily that last summer’s spot of trouble in a little strip called Gaza had been orchestrated to improve the bottom line of international arms dealers and their shadowy shareholders. To the surprise of absolutely no one, the whole thing was basically concocted to enrich the Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Knights Templar and the Clintons. “The cat’s really out of the bag now” admitted Hamas’ Business Development Director, when confronted...

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

This Time It’s Going to Be Brilliant!

Only months ago, a new age began to dawn in Iraq as that last corrupt, incompetent, and yes let’s face it slightly creepy chap has been replaced by a charming, talented and darkly handsome fellow, who is in no shape or form going to screw everything up royally. One White House Spokesman was bursting with happiness “we’ve backed a winner this time, no doubt. I know things haven’t always worked out exactly as we planned in the past, but this...

The Men From E.V.I.L.

The Men From E.V.I.L.

Naftali Bennett, Israel’s Minister of Economy and man that gives new meaning to ‘right-wing’ has announced he has endorsed the efforts of a bloc of nations in the UN self-styled E.V.I.L. who have condemned the lack of recognition by the Security Council of their villainous antics. E.V.I.L., which stands for Every Violation In Law, is a campaign group started by Iran to gain more public awareness for ‘unappreciated nations’ that it describes as having “a proud record in human rights...

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Apparently Libya Had A Prime Minister

Despite Libyan Prime Minister Abdullah al-Thinni resigning a while back, and yet staying in power until a new government can be formed, has been greeted with global confusion as people try to come to terms with the fact that Libya apparently had some sort of ‘government’ to begin with. Regional analyst Brian Junkie was surprised, “They had what now? Really? Are you making this up? I was pretty sure the whole place was just a mashup of the last Mad Max  Lord of the...

Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes

Surprise Israeli Military Drill Practices Shooting Down US Fighter Planes

Footage of a military exercise filmed by Israeli television on Monday shows thousands of soldiers operating hundreds of Iron Dome air defense batteries in an apparent simulated response to an attack by the United States Air Force. “The drill had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the rumor that President Obama threatened to shoot down our planes in 2014. Pure coincidence. Really. Why are you winking at me?” said Brigadier General Jackie Tuti, head of the Israeli Air Defense Command....

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) and combatants in Gaza have found common ground, as they try to comprehend how people can be more upset by a free soft rock album than the intractable problems of the Middle East. Yona Greenberg, Music Review Editor of the IDF commented, “I mean I appreciate that it’s no ‘Achtung Baby’, but I really think people need to get a sense of perspective. You do realize we haven’t resolved shit over here yet, right? I mean we...

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World

ISIS Holds Emergency Meeting to Choose Name for Its War on the World

Senior members of ISIS convened an emergency meeting in response to the long-awaited naming by the United States of its military mission against the Islamic State. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Martin Dempsey, announced that the US-led effort against ISIS in Iraq and Syria would be called Operation Inherent Resolve, after it was decided that Operation “Oh no, not again” was too downbeat. RELATED: ISIS super excited about the iPhone 6 Meeting at a hookah lounge on the...