Calling it an understandable error made in the fog of war, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) apologized Monday for accidentally striking targets in the East African country of Eritrea in response to a wave of Palestinian attacks. “The pilots were flying really high and weren’t sure exactly where they were geographically, but when they saw a group of dark-skinned men they assumed...
In an historic meeting, Israeli and Palestinian officials gathered to spew apologies at one another in order to resolve the latest in a string of violence. After having had enough of outsider interventions, lobbying, and couples therapy, top officials finally took matters into their own hands. Following a particularly hard-hitting epiphany, the Israelis began: “We’re sorry about that whole Hamas takeover...
Reacting to Amnesty International’s release of a report this past March indicating that the Gaza terror organization actually killed more Palestinians civilians than Israeli civilians (clearly illustrated in the image above) during the 2014 conflict, a shocked and disappointed Hamas has change its relationship status with the human rights monitor to “it’s complicated.” A bewildered and visibly distraught Hamas commented “For...
Calling for a de-escalation of violence following a recent wave of terror that has erupted in Israel and the West Bank, Israel and Hamas have jointly described the current situation as “senseless,” and “stupid now that the weather is so pleasant.” Hamas spokesman Ahmed al-Tabi told The Mideast Beast, “war makes sense in the summer because it’s hot as balls,...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad lashed out at the Nobel Committee, soon after the group once again failed to award the strongman its coveted Peace Prize. “When they overlooked me last year, after I gave up my sweet-ass chemical weapons – well, most of them – I was a little stunned,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “But three years in a row? Its...
“Why does Israel get all of the UN’s attention?” That’s the question Syrian officials have been asking lately. “Would it kill the UN Security Council to pass a few resolutions our way? There are more UN resolutions against Israel than against North Korea, Iraq, and us combined. I mean, come on! We’ve killed 10 times more people in three years...
In what is considered yet another victory for the Palestinian cause, activists in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv have embarked on a bold new campaign. The new initiative, ‘Freedom Stabbing,’ involves, as its name implies, stabbing people until the rights of the Palestinian people are recognized. “This type of behavior is clearly a natural product of the occupation,” says Jon Gold,...
According to United States Army Major General Walter J. Foreskin, as he met with senior CENTCOM brass to discuss latest developments in Russia’s military intervention in Syria, “It’s one big cluster fuck up there.” Competing coalition forces are jogging for position and air superiority in the unfriendly skies above Syria ushering in a dangerous turn of events in the brutal civil...
Jihad-waging video-blogging organization ISIS had a brush with disaster Tuesday morning as it came close to releasing a hostage video of a Russian citizen. The upload was halted at the last second by Kamal al-Virali, ISIS’ VP of social media, thus saving the entirety of Northern Iraq from being carpet-bombed by Putin. The incident began Monday morning when Andrey Nedodumov,...
Scholars around the world were celebrating the discovery of a 5,000-year old wall in Northern Israel that is likely to be paying tribute to the ancient moon god Nanna. In a region where there has recently been a noticeable lack of excuses for mass murder, this discovery may have come at just the right time. Oxford Professor Theo Dickell, at...
Israel noun (iz-ree-uh-l) Middle Eastern founded in 1948, the nation-state of the Jewish People. Imperialist, colonial extension of the West, inserted artificially into the Middle East by stealing Arab land. Palestine noun (pal-uh-stahyn) The region, formerly under control of the British Mandate, which includes modern Israel, Jordan, and the Palestinian Territories. Named by the Romans following their conquest of the...
Following the establishment of a Russian Air Base in Latakia and the presence of Russian Ground troops on the front lines in the Syrian Civil War, Syria’s newest and largest import is now vodka. “They just drink all the goddam time,” complained Mahmud Abu-Arak, the Assad regime’s Minister of Commerce. “I mean, thanks for the help guys, but it won’t...
The CIA has published an intercepted communication amongst top-ranking ISIS officers hinting at a possible plan by the group to invade Jordan. The invasion plan was outlined in an email to ISIS leadership by colonels Al-Mansouri and Al-Shatnawi. The colonels cited Jordan’s Sunni majority, it’s strategic location and weak military force as reasons supporting an invasion. However, the plan was...
While offensive on a number of levels, Germany is housing refugees at the former notorious Nazi death camps Dachau and Buchenwald. “We’re putting these dreary old empty barracks to better use,” former concentration camp ‘caretaker’ Fritz Höheischweiler told The Mideast Beast. “We are Germans. Good Germans with efficient solutions.” Dieter Ulrich, groundskeeper, added, “We welcome refugees with open arms. Most...
Calling the stampede that killed nearly 800 people (and rising) in Mecca during the annual Hajj “a miracle in modern warfare tactics,” members of the Israel Defense Force’s top brass have lauded the revolutionary approach to killing large numbers of “certain people we deem to be problematic.” IDF Lt Col Yosef Bidon told The Mideast Beast that a stampede would...
In the wake of his arrest, Ahmed Mohamed, a Texas teen taken into custody for bringing a homemade clock to school, has received an abundance of public support. The support ranged from donations of various computers and gadgets, as well as more prestigious invitations. Google co-Founder Sergey Brin has already met the lad and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg offered to...
Senior Amnesty International analysts will be travelling later this week to Vatican City to begin a study into the Pope’s religious inclinations. Fresh from their ground-breaking report that Islamic State militants in Iraq were probably ‘a bit naughty’, the international human rights group will be eager to build further on their reputation on telling anyone with a shred of common...
The United Nations has found Israel guilty of war crimes due to its relentless use of Iron Dome during the last war between Israel and Gaza in 2014. From the time hostilities broke out at the beginning of July of 2014, the Israeli government has since been criticized for its unapologetic use of force in destroying projectiles sent from Gaza. Many have protested that...
In the latest success for President Obama’s policy towards Syria, the five moderate Syrian rebels trained by the U.S. military – at a cost of $100 million per soldier – have taken over the Syrian capital and are on their way to uniting the country under their rule. “While we have invested more than $500 million in taxpayer money in...
Taking note of the enthusiastic welcome Pope Francis received Thursday from Congressional Democrats, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began reframing his opposition to the Iranian nuclear deal as stemming from the impact the agreement would have on the environment. “With the release of $150 billion in frozen funds, Iran will be able to increase its funding to groups like Hamas...
