War

US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats
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US Intel Report Adds Fourth Netanyahu Term to List of Terror Threats

Unbeknownst to many, the 2015 Worldwide Threat Assessment of the US Intelligence Communities, published in late February, includes an electoral victory for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s Likud party. According to Ferris Appleby, the Assistant Director of National Intelligence who delivered the annual report to the United States Senate: “Netanyahu’s nonstop bellyaching about a nuclear holocaust is a major buzzkill. Every time...

Iraqis Love-Bomb ISIS; Everyone Trying not to Look Surprised

Iraqis Love-Bomb ISIS; Everyone Trying not to Look Surprised

As news broke that Iraqi military pilots had ‘love-bombed’ ISIS militants with food and ammunitions, international military experts were practicing their ‘surprised’ faces in bathroom mirrors. “No way!!!” exclaimed one retired General with eyebrows pushed firmly up his forehead and jaw in the fully dropped position. “They did what now? That is completely surprising to me and in no way something...

Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States
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Islamic State’s TV Line-up a Surprise Hit in the United States

When Time Warner Cable agreed to add The Islamic State’s (ISIL) TV station to its channel offerings, most shrugged. Now to everyone’s surprise, ISIL-TV’s grabbing all the buzz. “I love these shows,” wrote popular blogger Mr. Bud Uglee to his six loyal readers. “What on TV is funnier than Bringin’ Up Burkah? And dramas like Beheading Bad and Law &...

Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds
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Anonymous Hacks U.S. Predator Drones, Begins Bombing ISIS Strongholds

In the aftermath of the recent terror attacks in Paris, the “hacktivist” group “Anonymous” vowed revenge against the terrorist group responsible.  Following a number of threats against ISIS, Anonymous began releasing and shutting down ISIS-linked Twitter accounts.  But today marks an escalation that no one expected.  As laser-guided missiles began to rain down on ISIS strongholds in Iraq and Syria,...

France Prepares to Bomb Syria because Libya has Turned Out So Well
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France Prepares to Bomb Syria because Libya has Turned Out So Well

Following last week’s ISIS attacks on Paris, French President François Hollande confirmed in a news conference today that it would be ‘Bombs Away’ later this week; “I think everyone will agree with me that Libya is a shining example of what a good old fashioned dose of bombing will do. And if we can be half as successful in Syria...

Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”

Americans Ask, “Don’t We Have Any Cheaper Bombs?”

Following the news that the US has spent $2.7 billion on bombing Islamic State, people have begun to ask, “Can’t we start using the cheaper bombs?” Armchair commentator, Bob James said, “The thick end of three billion just seems a lot when we’re talking about people driving around in vehicles that I expect to see in the parking lot of an Alabama...

Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”
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Homeland Security Official: “Words are Just Collections of Letters.”

The U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a policy revision that redefines the Webster’s Dictionary definition of “Border” to mean “something we don’t fucking care about.” Ted Schlubbernick, the First Assistant Secretary of Word Proctoring in the Directorate of Special Definition Projects for DHS declined to comment on the change, saying only “We own you!” before turning quickly on...

Hamas, Hezbollah Condemn Paris Attackers for Not Picking ‘Jewier’ Targets
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Hamas, Hezbollah Condemn Paris Attackers for Not Picking ‘Jewier’ Targets

Days after coordinated attacks in Paris killed 129 people, Islamist groups Hamas and Hezbollah condemned the attacks, blasting the attackers for not going after “Jewey enough” targets. “We strongly denounced the attacks in Paris and see these attacks as immoral and unproductive,” the leaders of the two Islamist militant groups said in a joint statement. “I mean, targeting a death...

Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza
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Leaked Tape Reveals Hamas Leader Begging Netanyahu to Invade Gaza

An audio recording of Palestinian Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, imploring Israel’s Prime Minister to launch an all-out air, ground, and sea assault on the Gaza Strip has exploded on the Internet. “Benjamin, come on already! ISIS is a thorn in my throat. I’m choking here! Kindly have your military unleash a fresh wave of human suffering on Gaza. You don’t even...

Israel Braces Jewish Ballsack for Upcoming UN Human Rights Inquiry
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Israel Braces Jewish Ballsack for Upcoming UN Human Rights Inquiry

The State of Israel is bracing its Jewish ballsack for an upcoming UN inquiry into the 2014 war between Gaza and Israel. To keep things balanced, the UN has appointed one member from each Arab state and one collector of human heads from ISIS to participate in the inquiry. “We didn’t think it would be fair to leave anyone out,” said one...

Report: The Last Thing the Middle East Needs has Been Found
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Report: The Last Thing the Middle East Needs has Been Found

After Italian company Eni Announced that it had discovered one of the largest natural gas fields in the world off the coast of Egypt, analysts have been keen to point out that yes, there is in fact more fucking much-needed natural gas in the Middle East, possibly 30 trillion cubic feet of more fucking gas. “It’s not enough that like,...

Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex
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Ex-Generals Tell United Nations: Israelis Have Great Wartime Sex

A multi-national group of former senior military leaders released its findings, partly based on Dr. Ruth’s expert advice, that during the last Gaza War in 2014, “Israelis not only met the reasonable international standard of having regular sex, but in many cases exceeded that standard.” “Increased military operations into Gaza over the last few years have thrown young Israeli soldiers into...

Settlement Expansion Only Way to Stop Attacks, Terrorists Confirm
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Settlement Expansion Only Way to Stop Attacks, Terrorists Confirm

Validating Ultra-Right Wing Minister of Parliament Naftali Bennett’s demand that the government respond to a recent wave of terror by building more settlements, a number of Palestinian terrorists have told The Mideast Beast that only a significant settlement expansion would cause them to reconsider stabbing Jews on the street. “If the Israeli government were to respond to me stabbing someone...

ISIS Praises Starbucks Over Holiday Cup Design
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ISIS Praises Starbucks Over Holiday Cup Design

Calling the Seattle-based coffee chain “a true ally in the global war against Christians,” the terrorist group ISIS praised Starbucks for abandoning its Christmas-themed cups in favor of a more neutral holiday cup. “While we have been doing our part by beheading thousands of Christians and forcing thousands more to convert to Islam, we have learned that our allies in...

Jesus Returns, Is Promptly Stabbed By Palestinian Teen
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Jesus Returns, Is Promptly Stabbed By Palestinian Teen

After her recent trip to the Holy land, Michele Bachmann declared that the return of Jesus Christ was imminent. The one-time Presidential hopeful and now America’s resident queen of batshit crazy, announced the urgent need to convert Jews to Christianity because of the return of Nazareth’s mascot. But as most people wrote Bachmann off as spewing more of her craziness, against...

The Softer Side of ISIS
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The Softer Side of ISIS

In an apparent effort to show “the softer, gentler side of ISIS”, its charismatic leader Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi recently met senior executives of the Newbury-Smythe ad agency. The aim of the meeting, held at the agency’s New York headquarters, was to devise a media and PR strategy, which would present ISIS as the benevolent, charitable organization that it is, empowering...

Al-Qaeda to World: ‘Did you forget about us?’
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Al-Qaeda to World: ‘Did you forget about us?’

Like Dave Chappelle and Prince in 2014, yet another public figure has announced they will be staging a comeback for 2015. Old-school terrorist collective Al Qaeda, infamous for past atrocities involving hijacked planes, the World Trade Center, and the Pentagon have been feeling a little overshadowed lately, what with the rise of the Slicers and Dicers of the Levant, ISIS. In a Q&A...