War

Turkey Shoots Down Santa, Claiming Sleigh Violated Turkish Airspace
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Turkey Shoots Down Santa, Claiming Sleigh Violated Turkish Airspace

Turkish F-16s shot down Santa’s sleigh over international waters late Thursday night, as the Turkish president claimed Saint Nicholas had violated the country’s airspace. While the fate of Father Christmas remains unclear, several reindeer have been confirmed dead in an incident certain to further damage the already strained relationship between Ankara and the North Pole. The incident occurred as Santa...

Israeli-Palestinian Settlement Reached, Steve Harvey Announces
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Israeli-Palestinian Settlement Reached, Steve Harvey Announces

Israeli and Palestinian negotiators have reached a final-status agreement, with both sides making significant concessions that will bring the century-long conflict to an amicable end, television host and State Department spokesman Steve Harvey announced Wednesday in a press conference. “The Palestinians were completely reasonable in giving up the right of return of their refugees, while the Israelis had no problem...

Israeli Navy Intercepts Gaza Bound Vessels to Ease Crushing Boredom

Israeli Navy Intercepts Gaza Bound Vessels to Ease Crushing Boredom

A senior Israeli Navy official has confirmed that they intercept boats in international waters out of “sheer boredom and wanting something to do.” IDF General Shay Blowitz, Head of Staff Morale admitted to The Mideast Beast, “Can you imagine how crushingly boring it is travelling up and down the Israeli coast? And don’t get me started on the sexual frustration...

ISIS Demands Release of Martin Shkreli, Calling Him a Hero in the War on the West
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ISIS Demands Release of Martin Shkreli, Calling Him a Hero in the War on the West

Calling the vilified financial executive a valiant warrior in the fight against American citizens, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi demanded the U.S. government immediately release “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli. “By raising the price of life-saving pharmaceutical drugs 50-fold, Sheikh Shkreli has shown an unparalleled commitment to jihad against the American infidels,” al-Baghdadi said in a video released online by the...

Month after Ball Shaving Fatwa, Iran Declares War on Genital Piercing
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Month after Ball Shaving Fatwa, Iran Declares War on Genital Piercing

TEHRAN – Iran’s Supreme Leader has launched “a holy war on the satanic mutilation practice” of genital piercing, citing a “Zionist plot to destroy our Islamic values.” “We must eliminate this ravenous cancer before it devours the very soul of our nation,” warned Ayatollah Ali Khamenei at an emergency session of the Iranian parliament yesterday. “As such, all those found...

Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market
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Israeli Arms Industry Excited About Iranian Market

Israeli arms companies reacted with predictable enthusiasm on the announcement of the nuclear deal with Iran and the lifting of sanctions. Yoni Fluffberg, Vice President of Communications at Elbit Systems commented, “We’ve been lobbying for the chance to supply Iran for years. For us it’s the complete package. Disputes with their neighbours, shit loads of cash from natural resources, and...

President Obama Declares War on Workplace Violence
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President Obama Declares War on Workplace Violence

Following the fatal shooting of 14 co-workers by a couple that just happened to be affiliated with the terrorist group ISIS, President Barack Obama has declared a “war on workplace violence.” “As the events in San Bernardino, and the Fort Hood shootings before, have shown, the perpetrators of workplace violence represent a threat to Americans and to all of humanity,”...

Germany Pressures Israel to Sue Egypt for Slavery Reparations
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Germany Pressures Israel to Sue Egypt for Slavery Reparations

German chancellor Angela Merkel has been mounting pressure on Israel to take the Egyptian government to court over its historical enslavement of the Jewish people and sue for reparations. Speaking from Berlin, Merkel said, “The time has come. We’re experts over here at paying for Germany’s occasional errors so we feel it’s only right that Israel follows our lead.” Outlining ideas...

Ben Carson Strikes Again: As President, I’ll Liquidate Ayatollah ‘Kumonme’
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Ben Carson Strikes Again: As President, I’ll Liquidate Ayatollah ‘Kumonme’

SAN DIEGO – Just days after pronouncing ‘Hamas’ as ‘Hummus,’ GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson invoked male fluid emission when threatening Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader. Addressing a gathering of security-focused Republican donors in San Diego, the former neurosurgeon – who has been criticized for his lack of foreign policy acumen – vowed to not only “rip up” the contentious nuclear...

U.S. Waiting for ISIS To Descend Into Fatal Spiral of Internal Violence, ISIS Waiting For U.S. To Do The Same
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U.S. Waiting for ISIS To Descend Into Fatal Spiral of Internal Violence, ISIS Waiting For U.S. To Do The Same

Following a yet another mass shooting in the United States, this time in San Bernardino, CA, which left 14 people dead, ISIS leaders made their pleasure at the violence known.  “This is exactly what we hope for.  The Great Satan will destroy itself through the normalization of gun violence,” a statement released on social media announced earlier today.  “Look at...

US State Department Endorses Hamas in Upcoming Elections
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US State Department Endorses Hamas in Upcoming Elections

Now that Benjamin Netanyahu has been reelected as Israel’s Prime Minister, an outcome that the U.S. says they are absolutely not totally way upset about, the State Department has decided to endorse a party on the other side: Hamas. “We would like to extend our support to the Hamas party in Gaza’s upcoming election,” said State Department Spokeswoman Jen Psaki....

Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’
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Al Qaeda Vows to Fly with Cell Phones not Set to ‘Airplane Mode’

In a chilling video released this week, al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri promised a new wave of terror in which al Qaeda agents would fly on commercial airlines without setting their cell phones to “Airplane Mode.” “Until our demands are met, planes will soon rain from the skies, as the martyrs of Islam will ignore the captain’s explicit instructions and...

Obama Poised to Send Guantanamo Detainees to Louisiana
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Obama Poised to Send Guantanamo Detainees to Louisiana

Sources close to the White House have told The Mideast Beast that the Obama Administration is poised to announce the closure of Guantanamo Bay detention center and the transfer of the remaining inmates to a facility on the US mainland. “We’ve been looking to get this done for years,” one source told TMB. “Obama wants to make sure it happens before the...

Following Pressure from Liberals, France Declares War on France to Defeat ISIS
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Following Pressure from Liberals, France Declares War on France to Defeat ISIS

In the time that has passed since the terror attacks in France, everyone from President Obama to your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving has weighed in on how the world’s number one exporter of baguettes and lovesick skunks should respond.  Right wing demagogues have advocated for a merciless, chest thumping, scorched-earth type of approach to ISIS’s actions while liberals, sometimes called...

After Downing of Russian Jet, Turkey and US Consider Trading Presidents
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After Downing of Russian Jet, Turkey and US Consider Trading Presidents

Following Turkey’s downing of a Russian fighter jet near the Turkish-Syrian border, the United States and Turkey are reportedly on the verge of a deal that would send Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to America in exchange for his American counterpart, Barack Obama. “We’ve been looking for someone who could stand up to [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, so the chance...