Saying the President-elect has gone overboard in his fawning praise of the Russian dictator, Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad urged Donald Trump to tone down his constant professions of devotion to Vladimir Putin. “Listen, I love Vladimir too,” noted Assad, who has remained in power due largely to Russian military assistance. “Hell, if not for Putin, I’d probably be dead by...
Syrian government officials have admitted that they are still grappling with the finer parts of the word ‘cease-fire’, apparently something that was supposed to go into effect. A spokesman admitted, “It’s not that we don’t like the idea in principal. Who doesn’t want to have the time for a nice cup of mint tea without fear of a mortar shell...
In a YouTube video, where ISIS members were holding up posters of the heads of recently deceased entertainment icons with their eyes gruesomely X’d out, a spokesperson shared that almost everything bad that happened in 2016 was at their command. Stating, “It was hard keeping this to ourselves all year, but we wanted it to be a big New Year’s...
From Trump telling Malala that “true heroes don’t get shot in the head” to the brave Muslim women calling for the criminalization of fat white dudes in Speedos, The Mideast Beast’s fearless reporters stopped at nothing to get you 2016’s biggest stories – no matter how unbelievable. Because as we say at TMB, all news is satirical – and if...
Following the surprising passage of UNSC resolution 2334, stating that settlements in East Jerusalem and the West Bank are illegal and are a major obstacle to peace, all conflicts have ended and peace has immediately spread to all corners of the previously volatile region. “I had begun to think that we might be disproportionately targeting Israel in the UN, but...
Several high-ranking Middle Eastern officials have admitted that a Twitter war may be imminent as the President-elect continues his late-night internet war. Intel suggests that several countries are worried and have begun arming their forces with accounts. A spokesperson for Twitter confirmed that sign-ups in the region have doubled to an astounding 180 since the election. A source said that...
With Western governments weighing their response to the meteoric rise of ISIS, former US President Jimmy Carter insisted the self-proclaimed Caliphate be recognized as a “legitimate political actor” and treated as a partner for negotiations. “Now I might not agree with everything they do, but I think we should acknowledge that they took all that territory fair and square,” commented the...
Admitting it had been a bit shortsighted to immediately behead its population upon acquiring territory, ISIS leaders lamented that they were on the verge of running out of human shields to protect them from an Iraqi and Western push into Mosul. “When we seized Mosul, we were just so excited, we figured beheading one or two people couldn’t hurt,” recalled...
In a blitzkrieg Christmas Eve mission, Santa Klaus and his squadrons of hooved helpers pounded ISIS positions with atomic reindeer feces, slaying thousands of jihadis and laying waste to much of the terror group’s heavy weaponry. “Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas you satanic pedophiles!” cried Santa as hundreds of nuclear excrement-armed flying sleighs discharged their lethal loads across ISIS-controlled Syria...
Wikileaks has released a transcript of a controversial phone call in which the leaders of China and Israel discuss their respective policies in Tibet and the Palestinian territories. The leaked 20-minute conversation opens with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu lavishing praise on Chinese President Xi Jinping: “Your great nation has much to teach us on how to suppress millions of primitives...
Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, who came under fire for refusing to issue marriage certificates to same-sex couples, revealed yesterday that a number of Middle Eastern countries are interested in her services. “After facing so much hate and discrimination from my fellow Americans, it’s a relief to see that there’s one part of the world where my God-given hatred of homosexuality...
The Hamas government said Friday it will recognize same-sex marriages performed in any of the over 1,000 smuggling tunnels situated along the border between the Gaza Strip and Israel. “Something unexpected and fabulous happened during those long, lonely nights inside those dark, dusty tunnels during the last war,” explained Hamas Justice Minister Abdul-Malik Kassis. “While resisting the usurper Zionist government’s siege against...
New York City — Wire services report the United Nations Security Council’s five permanent members and ten non-permanent members have determined the online publication The Mideast Beast a terrorist organization in a vote of 15–0. Citing numerous examples of terror-related reports published on the web and social media, along with overwhelming evidence of the publication’s questionable motives, the council’s unanimous decision...
Claiming that it has finally discovered a way to get the American Left to take the terror group seriously, ISIS announced yesterday that it had sent operatives into the United States in a plot to build an oil pipeline through sacred Native American lands in North Dakota. “Unless the American infidels leave the Middle East, recognize our Caliphate, and accept Islam,...
ALEPPO — The residents of war-torn Aleppo breathed a collective sigh of relief Thursday night after learning Kanye West had been released from the hospital after eight whole days for exhaustion, according to major news channels, and TMZ. West has a rapidly shrinking fan base in Aleppo (due to the city’s rapidly dwindling population), but a fan base nevertheless. Many...
NEW YORK – Echoing his past praise for the 2008 housing crash, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has claimed that the Russian air strikes currently devastating the Syrian city of Aleppo will be a boon for his luxury real estate empire. “Sure, the pictures coming out of Aleppo are horrible… but think of the amazing redevelopment opportunities once Assad mops...
Saying that he had “no idea that [Canadian Prime Minister Justin] Trudeau and I agreed on so many things,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has reportedly submitted his resumé for a position in Trudeau’s administration following the prime minister’s glowing remarks about former Cuban President Fidel Castro. “I have always wanted to serve the Canadian government, but I feared that my...
There’s only one thing teenagers hate more than war: school! This means that Middle Eastern kids, teens, and young people of all kinds are in luck. Not only are more than half of Syria’s kids not in school, but the universities in Iraq have now closed. Yemen? Forget about it. “It’s great! Sure, bombs are being dropped on our heads constantly,...
Several U.S. generals and other high-ranking officers have reportedly approached Turkish preacher Fethullah Gülen for advice: “So we were just wondering how this coup thing works? Asking for a friend, of course…” Fethullah Gülen, “living in self-imposed exile in rural Pennsylvania”, is the alleged force behind the attempted coup in Turkey this past summer. The officers responded to his claims...
Syrian government officials have acknowledged that recent events in the US have left them playing catch up in the news cycle. But they have refused to be disheartened and have vowed to get back in the game the best way they know how: just bomb everything. Hospitals? Bomb them. Blood banks? Bomb them some more. Ambulances? Wait till they stop...
