In a blitzkrieg Christmas Eve mission, Santa Klaus and his squadrons of hooved helpers pounded ISIS positions with atomic reindeer feces, slaying thousands of jihadis and laying waste to much of the terror group’s heavy weaponry.
“Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas you satanic pedophiles!” cried Santa as hundreds of nuclear excrement-armed flying sleighs discharged their lethal loads across ISIS-controlled Syria and Iraq overnight. (To avoid collateral damage, Santa selected targets away from civilian areas, instead blanketing ISIS-ruled cities – including its de facto capital, Raqqa – with heavenly eggnog, plum pudding and thermal beanies embroidered with “Don’t Mess with the Holy Kids of the Middle East.”)
“As much as I admire President Obama’s healthcare and climate initiatives, I just couldn’t wait any longer for him to get his foreign policy shit together,” Santa later told CNN. “So leave it to me, children of the world – from now until I’ve wiped ISIS off the face of the Earth, every night will be a radiant Christmas Eve!”