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UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for the recent rocket-fire hitting southern Israel since the group’s fighters were on ambien when they fired them.

“While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protesters yesterday, Hamas must be excused for firing rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was a Friday night and they were Ambien firing.”

The council also defended the militant group’s founding charter, including passages saying that the day of judgement will only come when Muslims kill all the Jews.

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“Clearly, these less conciliatory passages were written while Hamas was on Ambien,” former UNHCR Commissioner Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein said. “They were Ambien chartering.”

While blasting the UN’s conclusions, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu urged prosecutors in Israel to drop corruption charges against him and his wife, as any use of public money for personal benefit took place while the couple was on Ambien. “We’re not corrupt, we’re just idiots“, Netanyahu said.

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