UN Defends Hamas, Says Rockets Were Fired on Ambien

The United Nations has come out in defense of Hamas, saying that the governing militant group cannot be held responsible for rockets striking Israel since the group’s fighters were when they fired them.

“While we condemned Israel’s unprovoked attacks against Palestinian protestors earlier this month, Hamas must be excused for shooting rockets into Israeli neighborhoods and kindergartens,” a statement from the UN Human Rights Council declared. “It was Memorial Day Weekend and they were Ambien firing.”

The council also defended the militant group’s founding charter, including passages saying that the day of judgement will only come when Muslims kill all the Jews.

“Clearly, these less conciliatory passages were written while Hamas was on Ambien,” UNHRC Commissioner Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein said. “They were Ambien chartering.”

While blasting the UN’s conclusions, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu urged prosecutors in Israel to drop corruption charges against him and his wife, as any use of public money for personal benefit took place while the couple was on Ambien. “We’re not corrupt, we’re just idiots“, Netanyahu said.