Politics

Air Force Gang Bang Above Syria Prepared to Shoot a Load
,

Air Force Gang Bang Above Syria Prepared to Shoot a Load

According to United States Army Major General Walter J. Foreskin, as he met with senior CENTCOM brass to discuss latest developments in Russia’s military intervention in Syria, “It’s one big cluster fuck up there.” Competing coalition forces are jogging for position and air superiority in the unfriendly skies above Syria ushering in a dangerous turn of events in the brutal civil...

ISIS Narrowly Avoids Catastrophe of Kidnapping a Russian
,

ISIS Narrowly Avoids Catastrophe of Kidnapping a Russian

Jihad-waging video-blogging organization ISIS had a brush with disaster Tuesday morning as it came close to releasing a hostage video of a Russian citizen. The upload was halted at the last second by Kamal al-Virali, ISIS’ VP of social media, thus saving the entirety of Northern Iraq from being carpet-bombed by Putin. The incident began Monday morning when Andrey Nedodumov,...

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Dictionary (Part I)
, ,

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Dictionary (Part I)

Israel noun (iz-ree-uh-l) Middle Eastern founded in 1948, the nation-state of the Jewish People. Imperialist, colonial extension of the West, inserted artificially into the Middle East by stealing Arab land. Palestine noun (pal-uh-stahyn) The region, formerly under control of the British Mandate, which includes modern Israel, Jordan, and the Palestinian Territories. Named by the Romans following their conquest of the...

Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds
,

Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds

A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular people. Like the authors of...

In Blow to Obama, Putin Enacts Tougher Gun Laws in U.S.
,

In Blow to Obama, Putin Enacts Tougher Gun Laws in U.S.

In a move sure to once again embarrass President Obama, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced Saturday that he would begin enforcing stricter gun laws in the U.S. after years of inaction by the American government. “They’ve been dithering for too long and the time has come to act decisively,” Putin said in a press conference, announcing that his forces would...

Islamic State’s Porn Industry Condemned
,

Islamic State’s Porn Industry Condemned

The Islamic State today condemned the new nation’s porn sector after one leading production studio released a 30-minute length adult movie entitled “Giving Head to an Infidel.” The film was already expected to be controversial after leaked news it would star an Arab Christian. Yet, this paled in comparison to the outrage expressed by citizens in the caliphate today. The...

Hamas Reaffirms Stance on Two-State Solution
,

Hamas Reaffirms Stance on Two-State Solution

After Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he does not believe a two-state solution is possible, just before the last elections, Hamas decided to second that notion, stating, “We do not believe a two-state solution is possible at this time, or ever. We have never been in favor of a two-state solution. Nothing has changed.” U.S. State Department officials were...

After Removing Hamas from Terror List, EU Decides to Stop Calling Projectiles from Gaza ‘Rockets’
,

After Removing Hamas from Terror List, EU Decides to Stop Calling Projectiles from Gaza ‘Rockets’

Following its decision to remove the Islamist militant group Hamas from its list of terrorist organizations, a top court of the European Union will now meet to decide what to call the aerial projectiles launched from the Gaza Strip at Israeli cities. While Sweden has proposed calling the projectiles, previously known as missiles or rockets, ‘aeronautic modern art,’ Spain has suggested they...

Obama Declares He’s Resigning and Going on Hajj

Obama Declares He’s Resigning and Going on Hajj

President Obama is throwing in the towel and going on the Hajj. The visibly emotional Commander in Chief made the announcement at a White House press briefing earlier today. “I thought the last straw was watching Sarah Palin give an incoherent speech that made her look like the messy MILF you avoid at your cousins wedding, and realizing millions of you think she would...

Rick Santorum Joins BDS Movement After Trip to Tel Aviv

Rick Santorum Joins BDS Movement After Trip to Tel Aviv

In a dramatic turnaround, former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum has abandoned his staunchly pro-Israel stance after a visit to the city of Tel Aviv. “I can’t believe all those years in the Senate I was sending billions of U.S. tax dollars to a country of fornicators and homosexuals,” said a repulsed Santorum minutes after leaving Evita Bar in Tel Aviv....

After HarperCollins Removes Israel from Map, Iran to Sue for Intellectual Property Theft

After HarperCollins Removes Israel from Map, Iran to Sue for Intellectual Property Theft

Already under fire for publishing an atlas with Israel not included, publisher HarperCollins is now facing legal action as the Iranian government has filed a lawsuit accusing the publisher of intellectual property theft. “As everyone knows, Iran’s leadership has been speaking about wiping Israel off the map for decades,” an attorney for Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei told The Mideast...

ISIS Scraps Plan to Invade Jordan Over Problematic Brand Name Change
,

ISIS Scraps Plan to Invade Jordan Over Problematic Brand Name Change

The CIA has published an intercepted communication amongst top-ranking ISIS officers hinting at a possible plan by the group to invade Jordan. The invasion plan was outlined in an email to ISIS leadership by colonels Al-Mansouri and Al-Shatnawi. The colonels cited Jordan’s Sunni majority, it’s strategic location and weak military force as reasons supporting an invasion. However, the plan was...

Germany Finds Housing for All Refugees…at Former Nazi Death Camps
, ,

Germany Finds Housing for All Refugees…at Former Nazi Death Camps

While offensive on a number of levels, Germany is housing refugees at the former notorious Nazi death camps Dachau and Buchenwald. “We’re putting these dreary old empty barracks to better use,” former concentration camp ‘caretaker’ Fritz Höheischweiler told The Mideast Beast. “We are Germans. Good Germans with efficient solutions.” Dieter Ulrich, groundskeeper, added, “We welcome refugees with open arms. Most...

Report: Iran’s Supreme Leader Undergoes Emergency Gerbil Extraction Surgery
, ,

Report: Iran’s Supreme Leader Undergoes Emergency Gerbil Extraction Surgery

TEHRAN – Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is reportedly in critical condition after being hospitalized suffering from acute lower gastrointestinal perforation. According to multiple Iranian sources, the 75-year-old Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran was rushed to an undisclosed Tehran hospital late Saturday night after two gerbils, which became lodged in his rectum, gnawed their way into his bowel. Khamenei allegedly...

In Last-Ditch Effort for Peace, Israel Set to Present Gaza With More Goodwill

In Last-Ditch Effort for Peace, Israel Set to Present Gaza With More Goodwill

In what many see as a last-ditch effort to salvage the peace process between Israel and the Palestinians, Prime Minister Netanyahu announced new goodwill measures to be implemented soon. Israel currently provides Hamas-controlled Gaza with electricity, water, food and medications. Israel’s government will now also provide them with a weekly supply of ten thousand beer kegs, two tons of Jewish...

Obama Smoking Again After Netanyahu-Putin Rendezvous in Moscow

Obama Smoking Again After Netanyahu-Putin Rendezvous in Moscow

An unconfirmed White House source reports seeing President Barack Obama smoking in the Rose Garden while walking Bo the family’s Portuguese Water Dog. The informant who wished to remain anonymous said, “I saw the President ‘light up’ sometime after he was informed of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s trip to meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin.” NSA confirmed the Moscow...