Politics

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

Iranian Leaders Can’t Understand Why the World Won’t Take Them at Their Word

In a wide-ranging interview, Iranian Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, explained his distress at the world’s refusal to take him at his word. “I am a simple cleric. A servant of the All-mighty. Still, how often must I say Iran will wipe Israel from the face of the earth before people take me seriously?” Khamenei’s awareness began when he installed a new satellite dish in his home. “The wife and I were tired of waiting for download of newest Game of...

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

“All Other Roads Lead to Disaster,” Says New Hogwarts’ Divination Professor, John Kerry

Taking a break from clearing out his desk and catching the next train on Platform 9 ¾, out going Secretary of State John Kerry appeared before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to defend the recent frame work deal with Iran. His defense was both vigorous and absolute. Committee Chairman, Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, suggested it might be dangerous to leave the highly fortified Iranian facility at Fordow fully operational. “Muggle fool,” replied the Secretary, “do you think John Kerry...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

United States Puts Israel In the ‘Friend Zone’

In a clear sign of the continuously strained relationship between the US and Israel, and with Prime Minister Netanyahu’s speech to Congress, the White House has made the decision to put the Jewish State in the ‘friend zone’. ‘Friend zoning’ is a little-known Constitutional power given to the President, however, this is the first time it has ever been employed. “This was a difficult decision,” according to an unnamed White House staffer. “But in light of how ‘special’ the US...

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

Hamas set to lift its blockade on Israel

As a ceasefire continues to hold between Israel and Hamas in Gaza (one of its beautiful beaches in the image above), Hamas has announced that it will lift its crushing blockade and restrictions on Israeli goods and citizens. The surprise move was meant as a showing of good faith and a peace offering to its Jewish neighbor to the north, east, and south. The international community applauded the decision, though many are still unsure what ‘international community’ actually means. In an...

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Tel Aviv Man Only Person Surprised by Clinton’s Announcement For Presidency

Local Tel Aviv Resident, Etai Rosenfield, expressed complete shock when he learned of Hillary Clinton’s declaration that she will seek the presidency. “I just didn’t see it coming,” Rosenfield stated in an exclusive interview. “I mean, talk about an announcement that just came out of completely nowhere!” RELATED: Hillary Clinton denies having a Jewish heritage; admits to “slight resemblance” Research from The Mideast Beast indicates that Mr. Rosenfield is literally the only person in the world who did not expect Secretary Clinton...

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

President Obama is facing renewed criticism after the White House acknowledged it had spent the entire government trust fund allotted for Medicare spending to purchase a watch that, upon further inspection, turned out to be a ‘Polex.’ The exchange occurred in a Persian bazaar in the outskirts of Tehran as Obama, feeling confident after the latest round of negotiations, decided to attempt to haggle for a new watch to wear to his celebratory press conference. Obama originally offered to pay...

Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause

Palestinian Man Demands “Right to Return” Shoes That Don’t Fit, Hundreds Gather to Accidentally Support Cause

One of the largest rallies in recent memory took place in the West bank today, as hundred of Palestinians gathered to demand a right to return to the land they claim was stolen from them in order to create the State of Israel. The only problem is, they ended up supporting the wrong right to return. “I just wanted to return my new sneakers,” said West Banker, Waseem Abdul. “The store owner told me that I couldn’t return shoes that...

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Responding to Iran Criticism, Obama Unleashes Assault on Netanyahu’s Comb-Over

Following a litany of criticism over the proposed framework of an agreement on Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama came out with his strongest rhetoric to date in denunciation of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, calling his hairstyle “an obvious comb-over unfitting of a world leader.” “Netanyahu is saying I shouldn’t trust the Ayatollahs, but I don’t see them spending 45 minutes in front of a mirror every day just to make it appear they have a full head of hair,”...

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

UN peacekeeping force to ‘investigate’ and then flee from Lebanese invasion

The UN has announced it will station more people standing around in fetching blue helmets on the Israeli-Lebanese border because, in the words of one spokesman, “things recently got a bit lively”. The UN has been sunbathing at the Syrian-Israeli border for the past 30 years. And have garnered much praise for having kept the peace by a policy of rolling over and fucking off to the Israeli side of the border at the first sign of trouble. A UN peacekeeper, wishing to...

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Reports are emerging that the whole Palestinian economy has been transferred to a Fatah-held bank account in Switzerland. The move comes after most of the Arab world abandoned Hamas and ISIS soared in the rich list. Hamas, who has over 300 millionaires in their ranks, is often seen cruising around the tax haven but if the resistance group is behind the latest move, it is surely a sign of escalation in their campaign of debauchery. “Taxes are capitalist and capitalism is...

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the occupation and bring peace to the region is for Kim and Kanye to cancel their trip to Israel,” Israeli President...

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Like all teen romances, the UN was totally infatuated by Yemen. The impoverished Arabian nation asked the global organization to assist with all her myriad problems; hunger, violence, feeling generally unloved. “What can I say,” said the UN, describing those early days. “Yemen just seemed so helpless.   I felt like a hero. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. I was just giddy in love. Like Paradise by the Dashboard Light, you know, we always loved that song,...

Netanyahu never satisfied

Netanyahu never satisfied

Full-time Prime Minister and part-time Banana Republic ‘Seniors’ model, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu was accused by his peers at the United Nations a few months ago of ‘just never being bloody satisfied.’ “Will he just give it a rest for a day,” complained Ban Ki-moon in a rare moment of candour. “We’ve got every man and his dog dropping explosives on ISIS, you’d think he’d give us some credit, maybe send me a nice note. But oh no, he just starts on...

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

In the most exciting development in the history of the sleepy Midwestern state, the citizens of Indiana found themselves boycotted by several organizations for the morally reprehensible law that allows organizations to boycott those in the state they find morally reprehensible. The surprised Indianans discovered themselves in kinship with several other locales suffering from the same fate: the State of Israel which is being singled out for blackballing for the crime of singly blackballing Palestinians and Iran, which is under...

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Flush after the success at the UN, President of Iran Hassan Rouhani has said that he is launching a campaign to change the US’ current official name in Tehran to reflect greater cooperation between the two countries in the fight against Islamic terrorism. “It started when me and the big O went down to the West Village to grab some shisha, apparently it’s real easy to slip the Secret Service,” Rouhani told a press conference. “To be honest I wasn’t...

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

The timing couldn’t have been better. Just days after reaching a nuclear deal with Iran – a deal Israel says “totally sucks” – the White House held their 7th annual Passover Seder. Surprisingly, the deal didn’t even come up. No one talked about it. When asked about it, White House Press Secretary and obvious gentile Josh Earnest said, “What deal?” Most attendees said they could not possibly see a reason for it to be discussed during Passover, the holiday commemorating...

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how far the intruder got, and the overall undisciplined culture of the secret service, we knew we had found the right...

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and moving to Tel Aviv. Not only did the article turn out to be completely fabricated, but The Mideast Beast even made...

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

In a surprise twist of events, Fox News anchor Eric Bolling came out in support of racial profiling white males in an effort to protect US schools.  Bolling said that he is in support of policies that promote additional levels of screening for white males in an effort to keep schools safe from mass shootings. Under Bollings plan, white males entering school would be asked questions about their purposes for entering the building and other additional levels of screening. “Security...