Politics

Rabbi Who Called Palestinians “Sub-Human” Outraged by Critics Comparing Him to Nazis
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Rabbi Who Called Palestinians “Sub-Human” Outraged by Critics Comparing Him to Nazis

HEBRON – After declaring Palestinians “blood-sucking parasites unworthy of life,” prominent West Bank Rabbi Yosef Goepstein has expressed shocked indignation at accusations that he is no different than the Nazis, who described Jews in similar terms. Goepstein, the chief rabbi of Kiryat Arba and recipient of the 2015 Israel Prize for “Superior Contributions to Jewish Ethics and Talmudic Thought,” was...

French President Under Fire for Hiding Strippers During Meeting with Iranian Leaders
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French President Under Fire for Hiding Strippers During Meeting with Iranian Leaders

In a move critics have called a feckless cultural capitulation, French leaders banned the government’s team of strippers from attending a meeting with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani Thursday. The decision to remove the strippers was made in order to accommodate Iran’s conservative government, which strictly enforces modestly laws on women in its country. The controversy comes just days after the...

ISIS Offers Megyn Kelly Job as Caliph After Fox Host Scares Trump Out of Debate
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ISIS Offers Megyn Kelly Job as Caliph After Fox Host Scares Trump Out of Debate

Following Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of Thursday night’s debate rather than face Fox News moderator Megyn Kelly, the Islamic terrorist group ISIS has offered Ms. Kelly the position as Caliph, or leader, of its organization. “Thanks to Allah, we have finally found someone who makes even the strongest of the infidel leaders tremble in his...

Analysts Fear That Celebrity Name “Netanyabbas” Will Remain Unused

Analysts Fear That Celebrity Name “Netanyabbas” Will Remain Unused

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has inflicted terrible costs in blood and treasure. But a new loss has recently been highlighted by a number of Middle East analysts and entertainment magazines. TMZ Mid-East analyst, DJ Izzypal explained; “What we have here is a chance for the next Brangelina, if only a peace treaty could be signed. The world has been watching Bibi...

Israeli Wonders When Palestinian Supply of Homicidal Psychopaths Will Run Out
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Israeli Wonders When Palestinian Supply of Homicidal Psychopaths Will Run Out

Responding to the seemingly endless spate of stabbing attacks carried out by Palestinians in recent months, an Israeli man is pondering when exactly – or even if – the pool of knife-wielding perpetrators will dry up. “They’re really going at this stabbing thing hard,” 45-year-old Yaakov Kahanavitz, a settler from the northern West Bank, told the Mideast Beast. “Like, A...

EXCLUSIVE: Auschwitz Price-Fixing Exposé Proves Israelis are Perfectly Capable of Fucking Each Other Over
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EXCLUSIVE: Auschwitz Price-Fixing Exposé Proves Israelis are Perfectly Capable of Fucking Each Other Over

Israeli police have confirmed that their investigation into a suspected price-fixing scheme by Israeli travel agencies who organize school trips to former Nazi death camps shows that the tragedy of the Holocaust is no reason for some Jews to be massive assholes to each other. As Chief Inspector Yossi Cohen of the Jerusalem Serious Fraud Office told The Mideast Beast: “Basically there are some Jews that are real douche bags…...

Iran Forced Captured US Sailors to Do the ‘Macarena,’ New Video Shows
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Iran Forced Captured US Sailors to Do the ‘Macarena,’ New Video Shows

In a development sure to enflame tensions between the U.S. and Iran and to embolden critics of the Obama administration, a video released on Iranian State TV Saturday showed 10 captured U.S. sailors forced by their captors to do the “Macarena” on camera. “The Iranians’ humiliating actions show just how much damage this administration has done to our nation’s pride,”...

Saudi Officials Fear They’re Running Out of People to Execute
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Saudi Officials Fear They’re Running Out of People to Execute

After the latest string of executions of political opponents, Saudi officials are concerned that the population of executable Saudi citizens may be dropping to dangerous levels, putting future executions at risk. “Political dissidents, human rights activists, and minority leaders have been executed at unsustainable rates, putting these populations in serious jeopardy of extinction,” said one Saudi prince. “If we don’t...

U.S. to Flip a Coin to Decide Which Side to Support in Syrian War
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U.S. to Flip a Coin to Decide Which Side to Support in Syrian War

Torn between focusing their efforts on overthrowing Shia President Bashar al-Assad and fighting the expansion of the Sunni terror group ISIS, U.S. military officials have announced the nation will flip a coin to decide which side it will back in the Syrian civil war. “We kept going back and forth between trying to overthrow Assad and then bombing ISIS, but...

Rise of ISIS Wins Golden Globe for ‘Best Comedic News Story’
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Rise of ISIS Wins Golden Globe for ‘Best Comedic News Story’

After controversially awarding its Best Comedy award to The Martian, and Matt Damon “named best actor in a motion picture, comedy or musical”, a grim film about an astronaut stranded on Mars, the Golden Globe Awards have again raised eyebrows by naming the rise of the Islamist militant group ISIS as the “funniest story of 2015.” “I get that ISIS’...

Iraqi Army Flees Oregon after Confrontation with Protestors
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Iraqi Army Flees Oregon after Confrontation with Protestors

In another embarrassing incident, the American-trained Iraqi army has fled rather than confront an armed enemy. In the army’s latest debacle, Iraqi soldiers failed in an attempt to retake an Oregon wildlife refuge currently occupied by a handful of armed protestors. “I was all gung-ho on taking on the protestors until I saw that some of them had guns and...

Angry Palestinian Asks Why Israelis Care More about Their Pets than His Oppressed People
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Angry Palestinian Asks Why Israelis Care More about Their Pets than His Oppressed People

JAFFA-TEL AVIV – A Palestinian man working at a construction site in Tel Aviv is questioning why Israelis are so obsessed with animal rights while many of his countrymen languish under occupation. “Pet boutiques with names like ‘Doggy Chic’ and heart-wrenching lost dog signs are everywhere. But where are the posters commemorating Palestinian children shot dead execution-style by IDF soldiers?”...

HarperCollins Criticized after Deleting United States from British Atlases

HarperCollins Criticized after Deleting United States from British Atlases

Scholastic publisher HarperCollins has once again come under fire, this time after leaving the United States out of atlases distributed in the United Kingdom. The publisher insisted it had no choice, as British officials had refused to allow the maps into the country until all references to the United States were crossed out. “While the decision does not in any...

Ebola Virus Would Be Taken More Seriously as a Threat If the IDF Were Involved
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Ebola Virus Would Be Taken More Seriously as a Threat If the IDF Were Involved

Jerusalem — World Health Officials (WHO) are calling for an exciting new approach to disease-control by suggesting a tie up with leading social media opinion dividers, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) A spokesmen for the WHO, John Smith, was quoted saying, “seriously, this stuff makes you bleed out of your freaking eyes, just thinking about it wants to make me...

Iraqi Troops “Shocked” By Idea They Were Supposed To Fight
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Iraqi Troops “Shocked” By Idea They Were Supposed To Fight

Baghdad — Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi has explained in a BBC interview that his brave boys were simply surprised by the concept that they were supposed to do something with all that Western-supplied shiny equipment and training. “Be reasonable, how were we supposed to know you actually wanted some sort of return on investment?” commented Mr. al-Abadi from his...

ISIS Takes Credit for Massive Christmastime Storms over “The Infidelsphere”
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ISIS Takes Credit for Massive Christmastime Storms over “The Infidelsphere”

The terror group ISIS has claimed responsibility for “wreaking havoc over the skies of the Infidelsphere” after a recent string of severe storms and floods ravaged countries across four continents. Since Christmas, widespread flooding has submerged large parts of the U.S., Britain, South America and Australia, driving hundreds of thousands from their homes. In the U.S. alone, record-breaking floods –...