NEW YORK – Chanting slogans like “United We Shag, Divided We Fall,” “Fight Racist Fearmongering with Interracial Lovemaking,” and “Brown is Bonkaliciously Beautiful,” thousands staged a massive orgy today in front of Manhattan’s Trump Tower – home to both the GOP front-runner’s campaign and corporate headquarters, as well as his primary residence. Amassing outside the Fifth Avenue skyscraper at noon,...
In the latest outbreak of violence in the long saga of Israel and the Palestinians, numerous stabbings have been carried out against Israeli soldiers and civilians. As should be expected at this point for any news coming out of this region, opinions on the attacks are polarized. Some groups, most notably, The Asshole Lobby, have praised the attacks, calling them...
Israeli arms companies reacted with predictable enthusiasm on the announcement of the nuclear deal with Iran and the lifting of sanctions. Yoni Fluffberg, Vice President of Communications at Elbit Systems commented, “We’ve been lobbying for the chance to supply Iran for years. For us it’s the complete package. Disputes with their neighbours, shit loads of cash from natural resources, and...
With the recent success of the Russian Air Force in Syria, destroying 29 ISIS camps in 24 hours, American lawmakers on both sides of the aisle have given the green light for President Vladimir Putin to ‘take care of business’ in America’s out-of-control gun violence zones. U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, jokingly came up with the idea in a National...
Following the fatal shooting of 14 co-workers by a couple that just happened to be affiliated with the terrorist group ISIS, President Barack Obama has declared a “war on workplace violence.” “As the events in San Bernardino, and the Fort Hood shootings before, have shown, the perpetrators of workplace violence represent a threat to Americans and to all of humanity,”...
German chancellor Angela Merkel has been mounting pressure on Israel to take the Egyptian government to court over its historical enslavement of the Jewish people and sue for reparations. Speaking from Berlin, Merkel said, “The time has come. We’re experts over here at paying for Germany’s occasional errors so we feel it’s only right that Israel follows our lead.” Outlining ideas...
SAN DIEGO – Just days after pronouncing ‘Hamas’ as ‘Hummus,’ GOP presidential candidate Ben Carson invoked male fluid emission when threatening Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader. Addressing a gathering of security-focused Republican donors in San Diego, the former neurosurgeon – who has been criticized for his lack of foreign policy acumen – vowed to not only “rip up” the contentious nuclear...
Following a yet another mass shooting in the United States, this time in San Bernardino, CA, which left 14 people dead, ISIS leaders made their pleasure at the violence known. “This is exactly what we hope for. The Great Satan will destroy itself through the normalization of gun violence,” a statement released on social media announced earlier today. “Look at...
After refusing to answer questions from a 13-year-old Israeli student “until there is justice for Palestinians,” British horse expert Marsha Levine told an eight-year-old American boy she would not respond to him “until there’s justice for Leo [DiCaprio].” “You might be a child, but if you’re old enough to write to me then you should stop worrying about fucking horses...
Now that Benjamin Netanyahu has been reelected as Israel’s Prime Minister, an outcome that the U.S. says they are absolutely not totally way upset about, the State Department has decided to endorse a party on the other side: Hamas. “We would like to extend our support to the Hamas party in Gaza’s upcoming election,” said State Department Spokeswoman Jen Psaki....
As questions of how to approach the massive influx of Middle Eastern refugees into European nations grow louder and louder with each passing day, it seems that everyone has given their two cents, other than the people being discussed. While every country has been asked whether they’d take refugees, no one has bothered to ask the refugees where they’d like to...
An embarrassing interview of Miss Jordan, Nida Abu-Khalil, from the proceedings of the 2015 Miss Universe Pageant is making rounds on the internet. In the now-viral gaffe, Miss Abu-Khalil identified several Israeli cities as being a part of Palestine when asked to discuss zoning policies. “Miss Universe is supposed to be cultured and eloquent,” stated a pageant insider. “This won’t...
Sources close to the White House have told The Mideast Beast that the Obama Administration is poised to announce the closure of Guantanamo Bay detention center and the transfer of the remaining inmates to a facility on the US mainland. “We’ve been looking to get this done for years,” one source told TMB. “Obama wants to make sure it happens before the...
In the time that has passed since the terror attacks in France, everyone from President Obama to your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving has weighed in on how the world’s number one exporter of baguettes and lovesick skunks should respond. Right wing demagogues have advocated for a merciless, chest thumping, scorched-earth type of approach to ISIS’s actions while liberals, sometimes called...
Following Turkey’s downing of a Russian fighter jet near the Turkish-Syrian border, the United States and Turkey are reportedly on the verge of a deal that would send Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to America in exchange for his American counterpart, Barack Obama. “We’ve been looking for someone who could stand up to [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, so the chance...
Only days after a gunman killed three people and wounded several others at a Planned Parenthood Clinic in Colorado, Democratic U.S. Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has proposed that the U.S. deport all citizens who oppose abortion. “They’re a Trojan Horse… a festering fifth column that must be crushed. In an ideal world, I’d ship them to Iran, Saudi Arabia or...
LAS VEGAS – In a world first, a Muslim contestant has won the Miss Universe competition, the beauty pageant formerly owned by GOP U.S. Presidential candidate Donald Trump. 22-year-old Mexican Amora Aziz-Alvarez beat out finalists from 14 other countries to claim the 2015 crown. 1st Runner-Up was Lindiwe Tambo from South Africa, followed by China’s Li Jiao. In her acceptance...
Today, a group of Muslim states including the Islamic Republic of Iran, the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan, and the Islamic Republic of Pakistan, released a statement making clear that they view Israel’s existence as a Jewish State as being contrary to the ideals of democracy and human welfare. The statement posited, “How can a state based upon serving a single...
In a bold move applauded by military experts, and with ISIS headed straight up Baghdad’s butt crack, the latest tranche of military aide to Iraq will include detailed instructions on: 1. How to hold your rifle 2. A basic geospatial briefing on which way you are supposed to be looking (i.e. towards the fucking enemy). Military Advisor Alexander Owens provided...
Unbeknownst to many, the 2015 Worldwide Threat Assessment of the US Intelligence Communities, published in late February, includes an electoral victory for Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s Likud party. According to Ferris Appleby, the Assistant Director of National Intelligence who delivered the annual report to the United States Senate: “Netanyahu’s nonstop bellyaching about a nuclear holocaust is a major buzzkill. Every time...
