Senior ISIS leaders have been seeking confirmation on whether “Duck Dynasty” is something that people actually watch, or just some elaborate prank that they just aren’t getting. Abu al-Masri, a professional head separator with the organization, was clearly confused, “We’ve had a few set backs lately, but the upside has been a little more time to catch up on our...
Low Suicide Bombing numbers this past Ramadan have led to a call for an emergency meeting between terrorist organizations belonging to the United Jihad Nations BAHHL SAQ (Boko Haram, Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade, Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic State, Shabaab/Al-Qa’ida) in order to step up their coordination’s on unleashing chaos and misery across the Middle East. “The death toll was simply not high...
Admitting that he “may have been wrong about America,” ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has reportedly renounced Islam after top Saudi clerics issued a fatwa banning the playing of the hit iPhone game ‘Pokemon Go.’ “After three years of wandering around the desert in mind-numbing boredom looking for infidels to behead, Pokemon Go was a welcome relief for me and...
HOLLYWOOD, CA — 2016 has been a year of political turmoil, terrorism, and unexpected Brexits, but perhaps the most shocking development yet came on Sunday evening when Kim Kardashian-West became the world’s foremost investigative journalist. Kardashian-West, previously best known for being attached to an amazing, albeit a gi-fucking-gantic ass (her own) and an awful one (her husband Kanye West) released...
Cleveland OH — A local Muslim Brotherhood affiliate has been handing out their organization’s Charter across the street from the Republican National Convention. The document has been enthusiastically received as scores of attendees have apparently confused it for the 2016 GOP platform. A delegate from South Dakota talked to The Mideast Beast shortly after receiving the document. He was “very...
“Lord of the Rings” character Gollum has filed a lawsuit against a Turkish doctor over a series of images comparing Gollum to Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. “Being compared to Mr. Erdogan has personally and libelously defamed my character,” Gollum told The Mideast Beast. “We may both be hideous villains obsessed with attaining power at all cost, but at least...
Saying that he had finally found a group of people as thin-skinned and hysterical as himself, Turkish President Recep Tayyib Erdogan announced this week that he would be leaving Turkey and attending college on an American campus. “I always thought that I was alone in believing anyone who hurt my feelings with microaggressions should be locked up or killed, and...
ANKARA — Saying he thought he was done “with this whole democracy shit,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan expressed annoyance over being forced to urge supporters to “defend democracy” following a coup attempt by groups within the Turkish military. “I’ve spent the last 13 fucking years pretending to believe in democracy. I thought that now that I had banned all...
WASHINGTON D.C. — Saying it was “highly likely” that the Indiana governor had been radicalized and should immediately be deported, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich demanded Mike Pence, recently named as Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump’s running mate, be tested to see if he believes in Sharia Law. “Western civilization is at war, and we can’t afford to...
LOS ANGELES — 50 Cent has reached a bankruptcy deal that will require him to pay out $23 million to his creditors over the next five years. In order to help pay that debt, he has confirmed that he will be performing in the first-ever gay pride festival in Saudi Arabia, despite his long history of anti-gay comments, such as...
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following his promise on Fox News to “strengthen ISIS”, the presumptive Republican nominee, Donald Trump, vowed today to “turn them into a very, very serious threat”. Trump promised to continue making “literally the most Islamophobic remarks any President could ever make”, in order to “increase recruitment to ISIS in the US by so-so-so much folks”. He elaborated...
JERUSALEM — Saying that recent comments by IDF Rabbi Colonel Eyal Karim really aligned with his beliefs and values, comedian and alleged rapist Bill Cosby has reportedly moved to Israel and joined the Israeli army. Cosby’s decision comes after past statements surfaced in which Karim, announced Monday as the intended new chief rabbi, said it is permitted for soldiers at...
WASHINGTON D.C. — For weeks, rumors have persisted that A-list celebrities might be making an appearance at Donald Trump’s Republican National Convention this summer. Yet while the GOP Convention will not include Mike Tyson, Bruce Wills, or a single Jew, it will feature leaders of the militant group, the Islamic State. ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said; “We always get...
Update, 14 July 2016: Following the confirmed death of ISIS’s ‘Minister of War’, TMB has reposted an article for a #TBT in carrot-bottom’s memory. RAQQA, SYRIA — Abu Omar al-Shishani (the sexy one on the left in the image) is one commander in the ‘Islamic State’, also known as ISIS, ISIL, and al-Sham (dudes, pick a fucking name already!). Al-Shishani is now one...
QUANTICO — For years, Americans have been told to fear the looming monster of a nuclear Iran, and so we have. But, in a classic M. Night Shyamalan twist, the real monsters were in our pockets all along. Pocket Monsters ‘Pokémon,’ as they’re called on the street, have begun to pop up across the United States thanks to the new...
RAQQA, SYRIA — After sneaking over the Turkish/Syrian Border, Stinka ibn Tooshy – formerly Oliver Weinberg of Cherry Hill New Jersey, joined the rapidly growing world of Jihad. He described his first exciting months with ISIS thusly: “It was just like I’d seen on the Internet: beheading apostates, taking their wives and daughters as sex slaves, terrorizing civilians. Twenty-four hours...
President Obama thought his second term couldn’t get any worse…he was wrong. “This morning I was briefed about a damaging review listed on yelp.com purportedly from ISIS ” stated a visibly enraged Obama. “Yelp has confirmed this is in fact their official account and not some 13 year old boy faking a review. Unfortunately, Yelp at this time cannot delete...
Calling the Syrian strongman “a guy who’s really good at killing terrorists,” Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has named Syrian President Bashar al-Assad as his running mate. “Listen, this guy is a really, really bad guy. Really bad guy,” Trump said as he introduced Assad at a campaign rally. “But you know what he does good? He kills terrorists. I...
It may come as a shock to most people that Saudi Arabia is a country that still has some misogynistic views about women. Despite the nation’s fanatical support of female political candidates in the United States, Saudi women, until recently have been treated very poorly. Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, the King of Saudi Arabia decreed on Friday that women...
In the wake of the latest deadly ISIS attack killing over 200 people in Baghdad, the United States Air Force has finally decided on a robust response of airdropping ‘thoughts and prayers.’ Which is kind of like when you offer your significant other a coupon for a free backrub because you didn’t put in the effort to actually go shopping. ...
