NEW YORK – Citing widespread support for his presidential bid by white supremacists, Ivanka Trump’s children have reportedly issued an impassioned appeal to “Grandpa Don to spare us the horrors of a second Holocaust” if the presumptive GOP nominee wins in November. The somewhat hysterical plea follows multiple anti-Semitic and otherwise racist incidents that have marred the Republican’s campaign for the...
NEW YORK – Despite enjoying lavish funding from its Qatari owners, Al Jazeera America has announced that it will cease operations this September, blaming “stubbornly low rates of Jew hatred in the United States.” Launched in 2013, Al Jazeera America (AJAM) promised to provide more serious reporting than other U.S. networks like CNN and Fox News. However, despite a massive budget...
If there’s one thing people love more than Jennifer Lawrence talking about pizza, it’s debating foreign policy while bodies are still cooling from the most recent and tragic terror attack. This week’s massacre du jour took place in a country named after a staple of the American diet, no, not Greece. Turkey. At least 42 people have died in the...
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saluted the Turkish people after a heinous terror attack at Ataturk airport in Istanbul, which killed 42 people and injured more than 230. “Wherever evil strikes, we will strike back…by constructing a Turnberry golf course. Turkey needs to take back its country, just like the United Kingdom did. Wherever we break ground on a front...
Among the new batch of e-mails from Hillary Clinton’s time at the State Department that surfaced today, several depict the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee as hostile towards Israel. “What a shitty little country. I just got off the phone with Netanyahu. Sure, he wants a peace deal with the Palestinians: as long as I get him and the Mrs. tickets to...
Hidden away in the budget just sent to Congress by the Obama Administration is a proposal to cut military aid to Israel. The budget states that the US could save billions of dollars by reducing aid to the Jewish State that could then be used on shiny new toys like the F35 Joint Strike Fighter. Ironically, this comes at a time...
Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas has asserted that the British vote to leave the European Union is the result of determined efforts by several rabbis in Israel to undermine Continental unity. “Only a week ago, I ran into some Zionists as they were torching olive groves in colonized Palestine. Over several cups of sweet tea, they confessed to me that...
Following his long drawn out battle with Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders gave an impassioned announcement that his presidential aspirations are not over. “To all you Bernie Bros, let me just say…this is not the end of our journey because I, Bernie Sanders, announce my candidacy for the Boca Raton Century Village Presidential Race.” He vowed to remain faithful to his...
Immediately after the results on the #Brexit vote came in, with the United Kingdom voting to leave the European Union, Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas gathered with his cabinet to draft a new peace proposal with Israel. “If the United Kingdom can vote democratically to exit the European Union, then the Palestinian People can join the European Union to drive, vote the...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has responded to allegations made by Senator John McCain that President Obama was directly responsible for the attack on the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. “Obama? No, the real hero that inspired the slaughter of 49 gay crusader infidels is none other than John McCain. His hatred of everything we represent is intoxicating. I confess to having a...
After radical Islamists attacked a Radiohead listening party in Istanbul last Friday, the Western world has begun to awaken to the shocking fact that many Islamists still care about Radiohead. “Until Friday’s attack, I was under the impression that radical Islam could be controlled,” President Obama admitted in a press conference following Friday’s attack by Islamists in Turkey’s largest city....
NEW YORK – Billionaire Republican presidential contender Donald Trump has unveiled a controversial peace proposal for the strife-torn holy land: give the U.S. island territory of Puerto Rico to the Palestinians as compensation for surrendering to Israel. According to the so-called “Trump Solution,” rolled out by the outspoken business magnate at a Manhattan press conference, the U.S. would fund the relocation...
The Trump camp is reportedly furious at the amateur efforts of very white man Michael Sandford, after the 20-year-old Englishman made his assassination attempt this week at a Vegas rally. “I mean look at this guy, he’s so damn pale. I’m told he’s been living in his car. Well, all I can say is crack the sunroof open a little...
Although NBC Network has stated that defamed anchorman Brian Williams will be allowed to return to work after having been caught lying, the anchor himself, self-titled “Mr. Chin”, has told relatives not to look for him on screen because he is immigrating to Israel. The move is considered surprising by many, given Williams’ Catholic upbringing and frequent participation in Christian...
The TSA’s strict prohibitions against bringing liquids and creams over 3.4 ounces onto U.S. flights has paid off, as a plot by al Qaeda agents to excessively brush their teeth in the airplane lavatory during domestic flights has been foiled. “In light of the statement in the TSA Guidelines that liquids, aerosols, gels, creams and pastes over 3.4 ounces will...
Earlier this week, Turkish President and rotting Jack-o-lantern if you used a testicle instead of a pumpkin, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, made the news yet again by bashing women everywhere… yet again. The doofy leader delivered a speech during which he criticized women who might choose to do silly things like prioritize their careers over having children, accusing them of “denying...
Residents throughout Qatar are demanding the resignation of a federal judge after a rape victim was given only a six-month prison sentence. “It’s unconscionable that while an innocent rapist will have to live with the traumas he caused himself for the rest of his life, his victim will be free in less than a year,” a petition, which demanded the...
The race for the US presidency has dwindled down to its final two candidates (Bernie, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be) and Barack Obama has thrown his support behind Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. “In the 2008 democratic primaries I schooled the botox right out of Hillary, then asked her to be my Secretary of State. I recall...
Presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has vowed to ban “all Musligators” from U.S. waters after a 2-year-old boy was found dead near a Disney hotel in Florida Wednesday. Taking to Twitter just minutes after officials confirmed the tragic death of the Nebraska child, who witnesses said was pulled into a lagoon on Tuesday night, Trump wrote: “A Christian alligator would...
Middle Eastern rulers from Egypt to Iran are reportedly willing to give democracy a second look after learning about the “Superdelegates” used to choose nominees in the U.S. presidential elections. “Whenever I heard someone talk about ‘voting’ or ‘democracy,’ I assumed it was just a bunch of normal people going into a booth and choosing who they want to be...
