TEHRAN — Within 12 hours of release, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child topped every single best seller list in the world, including that of the Islamic Republic of Iran. “The Iranian people are apeshit for Harry. After we edited out all imperialistic, pornographic, Zionistic, homosexual, anti-Islamic and anti-revolutionary references, we knew we had a monster hit on our hands –...
The Lebanese national team has been reprimanded by the International Olympic Committee for refusing to ride a bus with the Israeli delegation. Israeli sailing coach, Udi Gal, was infuriated by the incident, calling out the IOC on Facebook by using all the sad emoji’s he could think of and making full use of the new ‘dislike’ feature. Head of the...
Jabhat Al-Nusra recently announced it will be breaking apart from Al Qaeda in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience in Syria. “We wanted to become more sexy and modern. Al Qaeda just wasn’t giving off that vibe.” Said Mostafa Mahamed, one of the group’s leaders. The organization has also changed its name to Jabhat Fateh Al-Sham (the Front...
Following a Mossad revelation that an employee of international aid group World Vision diverted millions of donated dollars to Hamas, the charity has admitted that while true, the money was only used by Hamas for infrastructure and scientific research programs. A spokesman for the organization cited dozens of Hamas tunnels in the Gaza strip as “clear evidence” that Hamas was using funds...
JERUSALEM — A week after signing with Hapoel Jerusalem of the Israeli Premier League, former NBA star Amar’e Stoudemire was reportedly devastated to learn that he would still have to compete against non-Jews from around the world who, like him, came to Israel to play basketball. “When my agent told me I had an offer from a team in Israel,...
RAQQA, SYRIA — With the Rio Olympics opening ceremony rapidly approaching, terrorism experts around the world are expressing concern over the possibility of a biological or chemical weapons attack by ISIS. However, official ISIS spokesbeard Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani al-Shami was surprised when questioned by The Mideast Beast about any potential terrorist action in Brazil: “We can’t be bothered with attacking...
WASHINGTON D.C. — In a move aimed at silencing critics over his $400 million cash transfer to Iran in what many considered a ransom payment for four imprisoned Americans, President Obama announced Friday that he would insist Iran pay hefty ATM fees for the monetary transfer. “Now, I’m not talking about the fee you pay when you go to the...
TUNIS — With fellow Middle Eastern leaders calling the North African country an “embarrassment to the region’s proud authoritarian tradition,” the League of Arab Nations has voted to officially boot the Republic of Tunisia from the Middle East following the country’s successful transition to democracy. “We are saddened and frustrated that our former friends in Tunisia have forced us to...
Doubling down on his strategy to attack Khizr and Ghazala Khan, the Gold Star parents of deceased Captain Humayan Khan, Trump continued his ‘say the stupidest thing possible and still get elected’ campaign by claiming that had he been president 12 years ago Khizr Khan’s son would still be alive. He also stated that if elected president, he is the...
NEW YORK – The war of words between Donald J. Trump and the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier significantly escalated last night after the GOP presidential nominee repeatedly insulted the appearance of Army Captain Humayun Khan’s bereaved mother. After reiterating his previous attacks on Ghazala Khan and her husband, Khizr, Trump told Fox News’s Sean Hannity: “Imagine having a...
Former First Lady and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton categorically denied being a member of the Chosen People of God over the weekend, saying, “I know I have the nose for it, and perhaps even the temperament, but I am in no way connected to those Jews.” Speaking at a ‘Friends of Saudi Arabia’ fundraiser, the former Secretary of State cited example...
With polls showing Hillary Clinton with a sizable lead following the Democratic convention, Republican presidential candidate and former Carrot Top impersonator Donald Trump has announced that his campaign will now target disillusioned “ISIS-American” voters this fall. “Now crooked Hillary may be too politically correct to say, ‘There is no God but Allah, and Muhammed is his prophet,’ but, believe me,...
Promising an amendment to the document if elected, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump blasted America’s founding fathers for being “too politically correct” to use the words “radical Islamic terrorism” in the Declaration of Independence. “Hey, I haven’t actually had time to read the Declaration of Independence, but believe me, I was shocked when my advisors told me that there wasn’t one mention of...
Saying he had been “deeply triggered” by Muslim American Khizr Khan’s critical speech at the Democratic National Convention, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump reiterated his call for an immediate and complete ban on Muslims entering the country. “Listen, if we had put the Muslim ban in place a long time ago, we could have stopped Khizr Khan from ever giving...
Senator Bernie Sanders has quit the Democratic Party and is channeling his political revolution in a new direction: The Middle East. “Like me, Hamas made its name by fighting for socialist values, among others, equal treatment of the poor and fighting the bourgeoisie. But, much like the Democratic Party establishment in the United States, Hamas’s leaders have grown fat and corrupt...
On Thursday, Syrian President Bashar Assad, offered amnesty to approximately 11 million undocumented workers and their families currently residing in the United States. “More than 4.5 million refugees have fled Syria. My country is emptying out faster than a keg of shitty beer at a frat party. Anyone with a strong back and love for the great outdoors is welcome. While we can’t...
CAIRO — As Donald Trump won enough delegates to become the Republican presidential nominee last week, liberal activists from across the Arab world have retracted their longstanding demand that their countries adopt democratic rule. “For years, I have been calling for democratic elections and for the will of the people to prevail,” Saudi blogger Raif Badawi told The Mideast Beast. “Now, with Mr....
Outgoing Democratic National Committee Chairwoman and cup of undercooked Ramen noodles Debbie Wasserman Schultz has been heavily criticized after wikileaks published proof that she and the DNC undermined Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign. After Wasserman Schultz announced her resignation, Bernie’s campaign manager Jeff Weaver told reporters that “Today the voices of Bernie Sanders supporters have been heard. It’s hard to miss...
WASHINGTON D.C. — Following Secretary of State John Kerry’s statement that air conditioners are as big a threat to life as we know it as ISIS, the militant group has declared war on all electrical equipment that makes the air inside a building, room, or vehicle colder. “Air conditioners are causing glaciers in the Arctic to melt, sea levels to rise, and Jewish women to breed uncontrollably. We all have to...
Under mounting pressure to increase security since the tragic terrorist attack last week that left 84 people dead, the French government has launched an all-out war on trucks. “When it comes to combating terrorism, we’ve been accused of being as ineffective as Elton John in bed with three Playboy Playmates. But that stops here as I launch an operation that will...
