Saying that they now understood the imperative for the ban, liberal activists in the Islamic Republic of Iran have dropped their demand that the government lift its ban on Twitter. “While being denied the basic freedom of speech and assembly that Twitter allows is unfair and repressive, at least we don’t have old perverts sending us pictures of their dicks,”...
Car and Driver magazine has released survey results from the West Bank and Gaza suggesting that when it comes to carrying out vehicular acts of terror against Israelis, Palestinians prefer the Japanese automaker Subaru. “It makes total sense. The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) consistently gives Subaru top safety ratings. We don’t want attackers sustaining an injury while running...
NEW HAMPSHIRE — At his most recent rally in New Hampshire, Donald Trump dropped a bombshell that has the general public scared, confused and shocked. “Folks, it seems that creating the most violent terrorist organization in the world was not enough for Obama and Crooked Hillary, and nor is the current “reinvestigation” by the FBI into Clinton’s emails. No, something far...
IRAQ — In the most egregious case of laughably misplaced credit since Kylie Jenner claimed to have invented wigs, Donald Trump, as everyone now knows, has called President Obama and Hillary Clinton the “founder and co-founder” of the Islamic State. Unsurprisingly, ISIS was appalled at this assertion. “Ugh, I knew this would happen. Fucking knew it!” said ISIS leader Abu-Bakr...
President Obama has announced that plans to introduce Sharia law across America will be fast-tracked once his third term in office begins. In an exclusive interview with Breitbart the world’s leading Communist Muslim stated, “After universal health care, this was always my biggest policy goal but much to my disappointment stuff just kept getting in the way. FEMA prisoner of...
JERUSALEM – With two weeks left until the new president of the United States is elected, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is already formulating a strategy of containment for the off chance that Donald Trump wins. “Everyone thought we had it bad over the last eight years with a communist Muslim in the White House. Although, in retrospect, he actually...
The CIA has shocked the wider intelligence community by confessing, “we just don’t do sums.” According to Director of Basic Mental Arithmetic, Jim Thomson, “most of the guys and girls here are very much ‘humanities’ students. Ask them to make some wide-sweeping statement about any regional situation, no problem, 50,000 words on your desk by close of play.” However counting...
UNESCO, the Ben Stiller to the international community’s Smithsonian Museum, is tasked with protecting the treasures of different cultures from themselves and each other. Following the uproar about the Jerusalem Holy Site resolution, UNESCO apparently decided to one-up itself earlier today by challenging its own historic connection to relevance in the international sphere. “We’ve had a presence on the international...
According to the psychic who relayed the story of an irate ISIS suicide bomber who contracted STDs in heaven, the late Mary MacLeod Trump regrets having her fourth child, Donald, on account of his “campaign of contagious hate.” “Mary is heartbroken that her son is spreading so much bigotry down here on earth,” alleges Shanti Shapiro, regarded as California’s premier...
Saying he would be ready if asked by an interviewer about the ISIS-held Iraqi city, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson has reportedly memorized the entire Wikipedia page for ‘Mosul,’ which has been in the news recently as Iraqi forces try to reclaim the city. “When Mike Barnicle tries to stump me with a ‘gotcha’ question like, ‘What do you think...
In a statement to the media today, the Democratic presidential nominee addressed sexist analyses of her qualifications. Hillary Clinton spoke directly to those critics claiming that America just isn’t ready for its first female President, maintaining her trademark air of stately confidence, with just a hint of bitterness at potentially having the Oval Office snatched out of her hands yet...
Citing the success of her “Russian Reset” as Secretary of State, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has promised to launch an “ISIS Reset” if elected this November. “While it’s clear that the United States and the Islamic State have gotten off on the wrong foot, it’s about time that we focus on our common interests and work together on key...
Following the final presidential debate, Google trends revealed that searches on ‘how to move to Iraq’ had surged by nearly 300%. “It kinda makes sense” said registered voter Roberto Seitelman. “The US is about to get ugly, regardless of who wins this one. Iraq can’t really get any worse and I hear they are about to get Mosul back, so...
Noting that there is no better way to achieve victory than to complain about the fact that you are losing, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced plans to defeat ISIS by constantly complaining that the global war on terror is rigged against the West. In a detailed policy statement, Trump promised that as president, following successful terrorist attacks carried out...
With Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee, many analysts have already gone so far as to declare the GOP brain dead, even if it still remains on life support. Diagnoses have already been made explaining just how the proud party of Lincoln wound up belonging in a golden asylum with ‘TRUMP’ written in giant letters on the front, with...
Roger Waters, former Pink Floyd vocalist and outspoken critic of Israel, took his activism to the next level at his most recent show in Indio, California. He approached the stage brandishing a fold out chair and a microphone and proceeded to explain that there are important things happening ‘out there’ and that this was the best opportunity to have a...
With Hillary Clinton as the last line of defense for democrats in the upcoming election, supporters of Bernie Sanders are reportedly torn over whether to support the former Secretary of State or flee the country and join ISIS, calling both options equally awful. “On the one hand, leaving my family and traveling to Syria to live in the desert and behead innocent...
The Israeli government has slammed the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization for passing a resolution stating that “circumcision is a purely Islamic act” and “cutting of the wee wee’s foreskin has no Jewish significance whatsoever”. “Do I need to line up every Jewish male in Israel and have them whip out their shmekels to show the UNESCO executive...
TUCSON – Citing his “terrific compassion,” GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump has offered ‘Make America Great Again’ hats to all would-be deportees from the U.S. to “shield them from the harsh sun back in their homeland.” “And they say I’m a cold-hearted racist!” the billionaire told a rally in suburban Tucson yesterday. “Believe me, the Mexicans will be overjoyed with this token...
TEHRAN — Iranian President Hassan Rouhani bragged in vulgar terms about his plans to add Saudi Arabia to the Islamic Republic’s list of conquests during a recent conversation caught on a hot microphone. “I moved on Mecca, and I failed. I’ll admit it: Forget furniture, I should have dropped some Spanish Fly in the King’s drink, like we did with that...
