Donald Trump has announced that if elected president, his first course of action will be to “Grab ISIS by the Pussy”. “There is clearly tremendous hate in the main stream media, trying to turn such a great message into something negative. That is why, when elected President, I vow that I will grab ISIS by the pussy” said Trump. “I’m...
IRAQ – Territory controlled by ISIS is a bit like a seedy strip club, nobody inside really wins, but it’s especially bad for the women there. As more information leaks out of the caliphate the world is finding out how dysfunctional and unhealthy it is on the inside, just like the souls of men in that strip club. With the...
Abu bakr al-Baghdadi, CEO of the Islamic State, was so enthralled by the 90-minute presidential town hall debate that he has ordered his leadership to make a drastic change in how the organization conducts its worldwide Jihad campaign. “Starting today, we will conquer by lying, threatening, spreading vicious rumors and slinging unprecedented amounts of filth at our opponents. That should...
Saying he hoped it was simply an oversite and not an intentional snub, ISIS caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi reported that he was “deeply hurt” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has yet to offer him any praise. “The Donald has called Vladimir Putin a strong leader, said that jackass Saddam was good at killing terrorists, and praised Gaddafi and Kim Jong...
From The Onion to The Mideast Beast, hundreds of satire writers have resolved to kill themselves on November 8 should Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton defeat GOP nominee Donald Trump, a months-long TMB investigation can reveal. “With the shit that pours out of that orange buffoon’s mouth, my articles over the past year have practically written themselves,” said one writer...
PEARLY GATES – According to alarming new reports, thousands of deceased Islamist militants are rioting across the afterworld as a result of former Israeli President Shimon Peres’ arrival. Hamas fighter Mustafa bin Over, who died in early 2016, had this to say: “We don’t want some war criminal in our neighborhood. First, I come up here for the virgins and...
The Egyptian Goddess of Magic and Life announced yesterday that after several months of being confused with the terrorist organization ISIS, she would change her name to the The Goddess Formerly Known As Isis, or TGFKAI for short. “It’s with a heavy heart that I announce today that I will now be known as the The Goddess Formerly Known as...
Earlier today, when confronted with the question of why Israel has been expanding settlements in the West Bank recently, Knesset MP Yaron Cham responded with a novel answer. He claims that contrary to what many people say about Israel, the state isn’t expanding. Rather, Israel is just “big boned.” Furthermore, MP Cham seems to be offended at the very notion,...
Calling the television star a leader in the fields of both chemistry and ethics, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced Monday that Bill Cosby will be charged with leading Syria’s chemical weapons program. “Ever since that dick [U.S. President Barack] Obama made me give [Russian President Vladimir] Putin my chemical weapons, I’ve been looking for someone who really knows how to...
LOS ANGELES – Alleging that Donald Trump’s “selective bigotry” is damaging their standing among fellow oppressed groups, angry gay Americans are demanding that the Republican presidential candidate extend his deluge of insults to them. At a rally in West Hollywood, hundreds of irate gay white men protested their “immoral exclusion from Trump’s spate of hate.” Complained James, a 24-year-old personal trainer...
Weighing in on the nuclear deal between the United States and Iran, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre demanded that the U.S. provide nuclear weapons to all of Iran’s enemies and regional competitors including Saudi Arabia, ISIS and a host of opposition groups in Syria and Iraq. “Only a good Ayatollah with a nuke can stop a bad Ayatollah with a nuke,” LaPierre...
The International Astronomical Union (IAU) voted to upgrade the Islamic Republic of Iran’s status to that of Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune. “Iran fits all the criteria of a planet. First, it orbits around the sun. Second, it’s massive enough for its own gravity to make other countries shrink. Third, Iran is currently clearing the neighborhood around its orbit,” declared...
Saying he longed for a simpler time – when the economy was booming, Third Eye Blind was on the radio, and jihadist terrorist groups were hidden in the caves of the Hindu Kush – Manhattan bombing suspect Ahmad Khan Rahami has pledged allegiance to classic 1990s terror group al Qaeda. “I’m just not into groups like ISIS sending out tweets...
As the US military continues to accuse the Islamic Republic of harassing US Navy ships in the Persian Gulf, Tehran maintains that American vessels are actually leading Iranian forces on. “These American military officials: their lips say ‘no’ but their ships say ‘yes’,” Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Commander Freddie Farhadi asserted. “American patrol ships are the whores of the high...
The UC Irvine chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) disrupted a showing of the Israeli film “Beneath the Helmet” by yelling obscenities, physically blocking students, and attempting to force their way into the room where the event was being held. When asked for comment, SJP President Celine Qussiny expressed pride over how the organization peacefully physically intimidated the...
University of California, Berkeley has responded proactively to critics who claim that the school trampled on academic freedom when it suspended a Palestinian history class. Administrators have hired prominent Palestinian religious figure Arash al-Rimi to teach a new one-credit Gender Studies course titled ‘Palestine: Getting Laid under the Zionist Jackboot.’ While the ‘Palestine: A Colonial Settler Analysis’ course was subsequently...
In yet another sign of their frosty relationship, U.S. President Barack Obama neglected to tag Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in a group Facebook photo of world leaders at the recent United Nations General Assembly meeting in New York. Calling the incident “a grave insult to every Jew, Holocaust victim and democracy-loving fighter of global terror,” Netanyahu told the Sheldon...
‘Moderate rebels’ loyal to the Obama regime have reportedly killed over 5,000 Americans on US soil since the beginning of the War on Terror. The rebels appear to be a well organized and heavily armed militia with different factions spread across the country operating under the broad umbrella name ‘the police’. Different factions are responsible for enforcing certain laws and...
In a move aimed at uniting a country bitterly divided over who to be afraid of, President Obama announced today that he would replace the nation’s police officers with Muslim refugees so that all Americans could once again agree on who they should hate. “We can’t continue on as a country in which half the population is afraid of being...
A new series of polls has political analysts perplexed, as American businessman Donald Trump holds a commanding lead in the upcoming Saudi election race despite holding views at odds with the population on nearly every issue. “Though Trump has called for a ban on Muslims in the U.S., praised soldiers for dipping bullets in pig blood, promised to kill the...
