In a sign of the Islamist militant group’s growing stature, the Taliban will meet this week with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to discuss methods of torturing and killing political opponents.
With the Taliban now in control of nearly all of Afghanistan, Erdogan said that the time had come to treat the group with the respect it deserves as an emerging totalitarian state.
“I am really proud of how far they’ve come in massacring and jailing opposition figures, eliminating the free press, and keeping women in their place,” Erdogan said. “But they’ve still got a long way to go if they want to be taken seriously as tyrannical leaders.”
Rather than a traditional meeting between heads of state, Erdogan will prepare a day-long seminar on how to be an effective tyrant. The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of the agenda for the seminar.
9:00 a.m.: Session 1 – Blaming the West: Forgot to feed your citizens? Caught on tape telling your son how to steal taxpayer money? Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.
11:00 a.m.: Session 2 – The Art of the Self Coup: How to jail your enemies and delegitimize all dissent with this one easy trick.
12:30 p.m.: Lunch
1:30 p.m.: Blaming the Jews: Is inflation out of control? Too many sandstorms or too little rain? Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.
3:00 p.m.: Managing the Press: How to run an efficient prison system.
5 p.m.: Happy hour.