Former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu began the Jewish New Year in the hospital after attempting to take 5782 shots of liquor – one for each year in the Jewish calendar – in a Rosh Hashanah celebration that soon spun out of control.
The former premier – who recently lost his grip on power to the ‘Coalition of Change’ – broadcast a live Rosh Hashanah greeting wishing Israelis a happy and sweet New Year. He finished with a toast “to a year of health, freedom and happiness,” and planned to sign off after taking a sip of wine. But after finishing his glass, the clearly distraught opposition leader stayed on air and poured himself another, and then another, until he was ready to unload on Israelis for all the ways they disappointed him in 5781.
“After all I did for you – standing up to Iran, pretending to like Trump, not bitch slapping Avigdor Lieberman – you leave me for Naftali fucking Bennett?” Netanyahu asked the camera as he polished off a bottle of arak. “If not for me, you’d have been stuck with Tzipi fucking Livni as your prime minister. And now you’ve got a leader more right-wing than I am…or so he says.”
It all went downhill from there, as Netanyahu proceeded to drunk-dial Aymen Odeh, the head of Israel’s Arab ‘Joint List’, and leave a seven-minute voicemail explaining how much he loved him.
“If I have a drink for every year of Jewish existence, then would I be good enough?” he asked, quickly taking three shots of Sabra liqueur, and passing out.
As of press time, Netanyahu’s approval rating skyrocketed to a level higher than when he was prime minister.