Politics

Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe

Israelis: Thank God We Live in The Middle East Where It’s Safe

Given the handling of novel coronavirus pandemic in the U.S., and the ongoing protests for racial justice in America, a lot of Israelis are now saying that they’re glad that they live in the Middle East where it’s safe. “Sure it can be dangerous here sometimes” one Tel Aviv resident said “but we only have to deal with ISIS, Hamas,...

ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS

ISIS Wins Left-Wing Support After Changing Name to Anti-ISIS

Islamic terror group ISIS has seen a surge in popularity, particularly among left-leaning millennials, after officially changing its name to “Anti-ISIS.” The group emphasized that it has not altered its mission or ideology and will continue to inflict mass casualty attacks on innocent civilians, primarily in the Muslim World. But calling itself Anti-ISIS has allowed the group to frame all...

Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria
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Republican National Convention to Be Hosted in Judea and Samaria

This week as Mike Pompeo announced that he would be tuning into the Republican National Convention (RNC) from Jerusalem to win over the Evangelical Messianic Jewish vote, some said he was not taking Jared’s peace “plan” seriously enough, so the party decided instead to double down and host the entire event in, what they’re calling, Judea and Samaria. Although almost...

North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel “Just Because”
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North Korea Orders Roundup of all Pet Dogs; Blames Israel “Just Because”

North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed Israel for the new policy....

Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated
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Palestinians Won’t Take Part in UAE World Fair; World Devastated

Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....

Laura Loomer Calls for Falafel Ban
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Laura Loomer Calls for Falafel Ban

Republican Congressional candidate Laura Loomer has called for a nationwide ban on falafel, calling the chickpea-based dish a “Muslim terrorist jihad food.” “Why are we letting these Sharia-loving terrorist Muslims not only into our country but INTO OUR STOMACHS?!?!?” Loomer asked in a tweet following her victory in an August 18 primary for a south Florida congressional seat. “When I...

Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot
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Republicans to Give AOC Three-Hour Convention Slot

Calling it a travesty that the 30-year-old Congresswoman was given just one minute to speak at the Democratic convention, Republican National Committee Chair Ronna McDaniel has offered Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a three-hour slot at the upcoming GOP convention. McDaniel said that it is “crucially important” for voters to hear Ocasio-Cortez’s political positions and worldview given AOC’s role in shaping the...

Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home
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Hamas Launches Zoom Classes for Exercising Hate at Home

Following in the footsteps of boutique gyms like Barry’s Bootcamp and SoulCycle who are charging upwards of $30 for daily at-home workouts, Hamas has created its own series of Zoom classes for followers who want to exercise hate from the comfort of their living rooms. Although nothing can truly compare to the in-person experience of building fire-and-forget rockets with your...

“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19
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“Never Again” Suspended Due to Covid-19

The United Nations today announced that, due to an abundance of hardships being placed on nations and the international community as a whole, they had no choice but to suspend “Never Again” until further notice. The prevention of genocide joins the growing list of compromises that the international community has had to deal with in order to fight the novel...

Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?
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Assad: I Could Have Just Dismantled the Post Office?

Looking over the ruins of what was once Syria, Assad expressed dismay this week as he realized that he could have held onto despotic power by simply dismantling the post office. Although the murderous dictator would never openly admit fault, sources close to the former ophthalmologist say that he feels like “a bit of an idiot” this week after observing...

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Once Again Jared Kushner Explains to Trump Why Campaigning in Israel Is a Bad Idea

Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law and stock image model for future AI robots, reportedly spent the better part of the fifth afternoon in several weeks to explain to the President of the United States why campaigning in Israel was not a good idea, mainly because Israel has no electoral votes, and is a separate country. It’s understandable that the President...

Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics
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Muslim Brotherhood Discourages Premarital Sex With Recording of Ben Shapiro Reading WAP Lyrics

The Muslim Brotherhood were terrified this week when their fears of Western media promoting female sexual autonomy coincided with WAP, the catchiest song in a decade released by known infidels Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. Although The Brotherhood worried that WAP’s unbelievably entertaining bass sample of “There’s some hoes in this house” would undo all of their anti-premarital sex...

Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds
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Ilhan Omar Relieved to Learn that Jews Only Control 40% of Minds

After claiming victory in a competitive primary with 57% of the vote, Minnesota Rep. Ilhan Omar said she is happy to learn that Jews’ mind control is only effective on roughly 40% of voters. “I knew that everyone in my district loves me and wanted to vote for me, but I was really worried that the Jews – I mean,...

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

Americans Jealous of Lebanon After Entire Government Resigns

For the first time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire, a majority of Americans now say that they are jealous of Lebanon’s citizens after the country’s government resigned this week. Those interviewed told pollsters they did not even know that getting rid of one’s entire government was an option, and that they now spend an average of six hours...

Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?
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Trump: Was Lebanon Even in Miss Universe?

As countries around the world continue to mourn for Lebanon following two devastating explosions on 4 August, and as they continue to do what all countries should do which is donate, Trump remained steadfast in his convictions to never help others especially if their Miss Universe contestant was forgettable. While other countries were quick to express their sorrow and grief,...