Culture

Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again

Jews Spoiling It for Middle Eastern Women’s Rights Again

Saudi officials have expressed exasperation over claims that a senior aide to Prime Minister Netanyahu, David Keyes, has been getting all ‘grabby’ with the ladies. A Saudi spokesman commented, “Just when we were making such strides here in the Kingdom, what with all the driving and a vast decrease in stoning, then we get the Jews ‘not understanding boundaries again’, just like 1967. This is why we get you to cover up girls!” An Israeli government spokesperson said, “We’re hoping that...

ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now

ISIS Recruit Thought He’d Be Drowning in Pussy by Now

19-year-old Hazem Talib assumed he’d be knee deep in warm apple pie after joining ISIS, but he has reportedly been very disappointed with the terror group’s weak poon game. “My cousins in ISIS, Mahir and Hamid, would tell me stories about getting crazy amounts of trim every single day, but I feel like I’ve been spending all my time just fending off mortar attacks and dodging airstrikes. I’ve barely gotten any action from the ladies at all,” Talib told reporters....

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career

White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client.  “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...

Saudi Women Will Be Allowed to Drive to Execution

Saudi Women Will Be Allowed to Drive to Execution

In yet another major step forward for female empowerment in The Kingdom, it has been confirmed that women will be allowed to drive to the upcoming execution of human rights activist Israa al-Ghomgham. A government spokesman confirmed, “The firsts just keep coming here in the newly liberalizing Saudi Arabia. Not only can the ladies drive their own cars and secure a prime viewing spot, afterwards they are welcome to join the men to watch the national football team get absolutely murdered...

Colorado Fines Christian Baker for Refusing to Bake Gay ISIS Bar Mitzvah Cake

Colorado Fines Christian Baker for Refusing to Bake Gay ISIS Bar Mitzvah Cake

The Colorado Civil Rights Commission is once again pressing charges against Masterpiece Cakeshop Owner Jack Phillips after the Christian baker declined to make an ISIS-themed cake celebrating a gay bar mitzvah. Phillips, whose previous refusal to bake a cake for a gay wedding ended up with the case in the Supreme Court, told The Mideast Beast that creating the cake would violate his personal beliefs. But he also noted that he was blindsided by the commission’s ruling, since no one...

DC ‘Unite the Right’ Rally Overshadowed by Larger Pro-ISIS Vegan Furry Protest

DC ‘Unite the Right’ Rally Overshadowed by Larger Pro-ISIS Vegan Furry Protest

White supremacists who trekked to Washington DC for their annual ‘Unite the Right’ rally are complaining that their massive gathering was overshadowed by an even larger group of pro-ISIS vegan furries rallying for tax-exempt ethanol subsidies. “Supporters from across the nation joined us to secure the existence of our people and a future for our white children, but those damn jihadi furries had to pick the same day for their rally,” Richard Spencer, director of the white supremacist National Policy...

Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends

Poll: Most ‘Liberal’ Zionists Secretly Hope Occupation Never Ends

Despite vocal opposition to Israeli control over the West Bank, most Israeli Jews who outwardly express support for a Palestinian state actually think it would be a disaster, according to a report by a Tel Aviv-based think tank. The findings are based on a poll conducted by the Israel Democracy Center among 2,000 self-described ‘Liberal’ Zionists in Israel. “We want to feel good about ourselves – and no one likes so-called ‘apartheid’ supporters in London, Amsterdam and Berlin, my favorite...

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

Foul Play Suspected as Mecca Voted Gay-Friendly Capital of the World

As Gay Pride marches take place around the globe, observers have expressed surprise and scepticism at a recent poll which crowned Mecca as the gay-friendly capital of the world. Despite the recent moves towards liberalization within the Kingdom itself, numerous human rights organizations have cast doubt over the veracity of the survey in light of the social conservatism of the city which lies at the heart of the Islamic world. The poll organizers have admitted that the company they hired...

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Jerusalem Queer Eye for the Straight Rabbi

Getting your ass flogged may sound like the latest sex trend, but in the Middle East, it most likely means you were caught being gay, and lucky you weren’t executed. So what is it like to be gay in Jerusalem, the epicenter of controversy and all that is holy (that’s what he said)? On this week’s Mideast Beast Podcast, Religious Gay Rights Activist, Nadav Schwartz, talks about the Rabbis who think gays are perverts destroying society, holding hands in public,...

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS Leader Furious After He’s Pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is calling for a boycott of Showtime after the Islamic Caliph admitted he was pranked by Sacha Baron Cohen’s series “Who is America?” Baghdadi, who announced the formation of the Islamic State in April 2013, said he was led to believe he was being honored by fictional Israeli TV station “Yerushalayim Television” for its 70 at 70 program honoring pro-Israel leaders. “Since ISIS was created by the Mossad to attack Iran and sow discard across...

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

IDF Finally Looking for a Few Ugly Women

As the possible ceasefire with Hamas looms over Israelis and Palestinians, it actually has caused some to question the fighting ability of the Israel Defense Force (IDF). “The problem is the women,” according to Tel Aviv resident Yona Ballwax. “Israeli women are just too attractive. Everyone knows that an ugly woman will distract a Palestinian. The more they look like goats, the better for the war. But they don’t. They’re annoyingly hot!” The American Army has confronted a similar predicament. “In general, ugly...

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” to Organize Free-Speech Event

“Definitely Not ISIS” has filed for a license to stage a free-speech rally later this month. The event will host prominent speakers from the Middle East and further afield. “We think that even if you don’t agree with what we have to say, we certainly deserve the right to say it,” Abu Bakr al-Newyorki, the organization’s spokesperson, told The Mideast Beast. “If you value freedom of speech like we do, then show up to the event and support us. Just an FYI, no...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it was a Mosque, so I was pretty upset, but then I saw that it was a school promoting coexistence, and...

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

Oman: “No One’s Noticed That We Exist Yet, So We’re Probably Good”

The Sultanate of Oman breathed a collective sigh of relief this past week after everyone in the Gulf state came to the realization that no one in the western world could give half a shit about their existence – and most didn’t even know it was a country. This has given them license to continue business as usual, so long as the amount of government oppression does not exceed UN recommended levels. In one recent study, 47% of Americans thought...

U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast

U.S. Dad Excited to Find Internet’s Cheapest Family Cruise off Somali Coast

A local dad from Gary, Indiana named Doug Seaver is stoked to have found what he is reporting to be “the best deal in the history of the Internet.” He reportedly scored five tickets for a family cruise off the coast of Somalia, plus airfare, all for just $17.99. “When I saw this deal I was stunned. My wife asked if I’m buying tickets for our two teenage daughters and newborn baby and I was like ‘what do you think I’m an...

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Hamas Bans Plastic Bags

Not to be outdone by their North African counterparts, Hamas has declared a ban on plastic bags in the Gaza Strip. “We believe that this activism in the Gaza strip will help to alleviate the environmental impact of 70 years of burning tires and corn fields in occupied Palestine. We follow in the footsteps of the world leaders who made environmental protection a priority; Mahatma Gandhi, Theodore Roosevelt, Hermann Göring. You know all the greats.” A representative from the United...

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Allowing the world to glimpse his sensitive side, General Gholam Reza Jalali debuted his book of poetry to a select group of Mullahs and Washington DC city council members on Monday. “In his welcoming he said, “For too long the Zionists have had a lock on literature. Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, that Anne Frank chick. Well now everyone can hear about my existential crisis.” The collection, entitled ‘First They Came for the Clouds’, owes its title to its first piece, which...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside the region who don’t know jack shit about the conflict apart from what they see on ‘nonpartisan’ news or Wikipedia,”...