Culture

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

Iranian Feminist with Bad Haircut Is Conflicted on Hijab Protests

One of Iran’s leading feminists admitted that she has conflicting feelings about the country’s anti-hijab movement, noting that while she supports women’s empowerment she is also determined to keep her bad haircut hidden. “Listen, I get why Iranian women are doing this. And they’re right – in principle, I feel very strongly that women should not be forced to cover their head in public,” the activist, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast. “But now is a...

ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’

ISIS Threatens to Behead Famed Groundhog for ‘Six More Weeks of Winter’

An ISIS sleeper cell, located in Pennsylvania, has released a video threatening to behead Punxsutawney Phil, the famed groundhog, for its recent regional prediction: six more weeks of winter. “In the name of Allah, it’s butt-ass cold in Pennsylvania!” said one ISIS member that was willing to speak with The Mideast Beast. When our handlers prepared for us to live in the U.S. we weren’t warned about the weather; come on, we’re Middle Eastern! Back in Iraq and Syria my...

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

Liberals Attempt to Shut Down Falafel Shops, Claim Serving Arab Food in America is ‘Cultural Appropriation’

A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe stance: “It’s not enough to stop white people from selling Arab food. We need to stop the chauvinist market of...

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

ISIS Further Decimated by ‘Tide Pod Challenge’

Already reeling after losing nearly all its territory in clashes with Iraqi forces, ISIS has been dealt another blow after half the terror group’s soldiers died attempting the “Tide Pod Challenge.” The devastation struck after a group of young jihadis were killing time on patrol in the town of Abu Kamel, Syria and came across a video issuing the challenge – to eat pods filled with Tide laundry detergent – on YouTube. Insisting that they were much braver than any...

American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel

American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel

“I’m frankly a bit disappointed in myself,” sighed Ms. Berkman. “As a BSU sorority sophomore I should be expected to keep the alcohol fueled orgy going the full 10 days of the trip. I think the weather got to me.” Becca Berkman, 20, is a second year student and chairman of Kinda Jewish Sorta Supporting Israel Student Association at Big State University. It’s the seventh morning of her Birthright trip, and Becca unexpectedly finds herself listening to the tour guide...

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel.  In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.”  Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on the decision to The Mideast Beast.  “It’s time that Dave returns to where he feels most comfortable.  Cut off jean...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...

GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible

GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible

Following the success of Israeli Agriculture Minister, Uri Ariel’s campaign to pray away the drought that has affected the region for years, several key GOP leaders have inserted a provision into the new United States Tax Plan to allow tax deductions for prayer. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented, “We used to allow deductions for silly things like installing solar panels and investing in proper insulation and water conservation. None of which gets a mention in either Testament. Now...

Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle

Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle

Libya seemed like the perfect place for The Islamic State (IS) to settle down: a lack of government and freeze on assets would be an ideal location to move in and set up a nice oil business. And IS thought they had it all figured out after gaining territory in two port cities on Libya’s south and eastern coasts. But once they took control of the oil fields, they realized no one knew how to operate them. “We also had trouble...

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Turkish Premiere Recap Erdogan revealed only 24 months ago that America was discovered by Muslims, religious leaders from across the Muslim world continue to assert that the faith takes no responsibility for the current state of the country. “As a Muslim, I would like to make abundantly clear that we are not to blame for anything that’s taken place in America for the past 800 years,” said Abdullah bin Abdul Muhsen, Secretary-General of the Muslim World League. “Islam is...

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

BEIRUT – Lesbian terrorists are vowing to execute 34 male diplomats if Saudi Arabia does not grant women and LGBT citizens equal rights, after storming the kingdom’s embassy in the Lebanese capital this morning. Posing as a class of political science college students, dozens of female militants – who smuggled plastic guns in their orifices – seized the compound at 10:15 AM local time. After releasing all women, effeminate men and local cleaning staff, the so-called ‘Al-Kus Brigades’ (Pussy Brigades)...

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We discover Atlantis, Xanadu, maybe those Clinton emails? With this tech, I’d believe it.” But ancient history fans aren’t the only...

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamist Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning jihadis, “the vast majority of these combatants come home to Europe or elsewhere not with a heightened lust to kill people, but rather a newfound love for Western lifestyles.”...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...

Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre

Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre

The moonlight sparkled across the Persian Gulf as the raucous crowd moved towards the Middle East’s new artistic centerpiece. Sheikh Khalifa, who commissioned and oversaw the $1 billion project, greeted me with open arms: “We are very proud to put ourselves on the cultural map. We couldn’t think of a name on our own so we just thought, ‘fuck it, let’s just copy the Parisians!’” As we made our way through the gallery, I was struck by the variety of...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Jewish and Muslim authorities have combined forces to criticize what they see as a premature planning of the ‘War on Christmas’. In a series of press releases representatives of both faiths lashed out at the perpetual cycle of planning earlier every year. “As soon as September rolls around we are already receiving blueprints for how we are going to undermine the Christian holiday” one memo states. “It’s pretty fucking annoying. I don’t even want to hear about Christmas until late...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed heads, leading officials to believe that the men could be elusive moderate Syrian rebels. Other US intelligence agencies were conferenced...

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel for being an ethno-state. I mean, remember those Ethiopian Jews they airlifted to Israel? Bunch of racist idiots!” Another American,...

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses.  Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or offensive language.  Many universities have, like a guy who buys a tiger because he thinks it’ll make a stylish sofa,...