Culture

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks.  But dreams are easily crushed.  As news that French officials forced a Burkini clad women to undress at the beach spread throughout the galaxy,...

After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway

After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway

Following a series of military losses, the Islamic State is trying its hand at musical theater. “The Soldiers of Allah are excited to present ISIS: The Musical, coming soon to Broadway,” reads the marquee atop the Issac Schlossburg Theater. The show, currently in previews at Hartford Stage, is billed as a riotous, raunchy peak at life in the Caliphate. “We wanted to take ISIS in a new direction,” said the show’s music director Mohammad Al-Anmenken. “A lot of people were...

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their days throwing a Frisbee, dressing like Superman and singing along to carpool Karaoke. After enduring six hours of whining about...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Walid al-Mukdasan, the man hired by ISIS to design and produce their flags, has been let go by the terror group in a move which many of the designer’s longstanding critics say is “better late than never.” Pressure has long mounted on the group’s leadership to fire al-Mukdasan who designed the notorious flag constituting the shahada and the so-called Seal of Mohammed. “I mean, have you seen that thing”, one prominent critic commented. “it’s an absolute joke. You call that...

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when we finally slaughter all the Jews. It is widely accepted that the Jews are animals and thus we must take...

Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice

Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice

With a crop of International Studies majors in the audience, Former Prime Minister of the State of Palestine, Ismail Haniyeh, announced the opening and dedication of a museum on human sacrifice.  “For years I have campaigned on the principle that we as Palestinians are a people who value death, just like our enemies in Israel value life,” Mr. Haniyeh announced, standing in front of a museum adorn with a skull and crossbones.  “This museum will redouble our people’s commitment to value...

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner table is simply appalling,” Abe said during a UN debate over Israel’s use of force against Palestinians trying to breach...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for men”. His lack of actual talent did not deter the DJ from making comments on how women should, or should...

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period, finally explains why most comments online about the issue are so intelligent and thoroughly researched. According to Emeritus Professor Susie...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially volatile situation and act on it accordingly.”   The suggestion for the troubled couple is backed up by the UN...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

Top 10 Listicles The Mideast Beast Will Thankfully Never Write

The Mideast Beast is your trusted source for front-line reporting on the Middle East, a publication of unimpeachable journalistic integrity that holds itself to the highest standards of meticulous coverage and astute analysis. In fact, unlike other, slower news outlets, we don’t even have to wait for the news to happen to deliver a comprehensive report of them to our readers. This is made possible through TMB’s unrivaled network of intrepid on-location reporters who would sleep with anyone, as many times as...

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Trump Bans Queen from US Due to Relation to Prophet Muhammed

Promising to take no chances when it comes to America’s security, US President Donald Trump has banned the UK’s Queen Elizabeth II amid reports that she may be a descendent of Prophet Muhammed. “I am hearing reports, very troubling, that the Queen is actually a Muslim terrorist, and I am issuing a complete ban on the royal family until we can figure out what the hell is going on,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the ban. “I have to...

Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad

Jesus Still a Little Cross with Dad

During a recent interview with The Mideast Beast, Jesus opened up about his tumultuous relationship with his temperamental father. “Dad? We’ve had our ups and downs. I mean, before he brutally sacrificed me to save all humanity, he used to be a huge dick. Remember the flood? Or when he got hammered and convinced Abraham to sacrifice his own son? Or when he ‘a-salted’ – sorry, couldn’t resist – Lot’s wife? Seriously who wouldn’t want to watch a city get...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Ahmadinejad to Convert Back to Judaism Following Changes to Passover Rules

Once an outspoken anti-Semite and Holocaust denier, former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to return to Judaism after a group of Conservative rabbis overturned an 800-year ban on eating kitniyot, a group of foods that includes rice, beans and legumes, during Passover. “The only reason I converted to Islam in the first place was because I could never go eight days without bread, rice, beans or corn,” Ahmadinejad told The Mideast Beast. “Now that the they’ve finally changed those...

Iceland Defends Circumcision Bill: “We Need Foreskins to Keep Ourselves Warm”

Iceland Defends Circumcision Bill: “We Need Foreskins to Keep Ourselves Warm”

Officials from the Icelandic parliament defended the country’s new circumcision legislation this week, claiming that the bill banning the practice is not in any way anti-religious, but rather is an effort to ensure the Icelandic people have foreskins to protect them from the frigid North-Atlantic winds. Addressing the Muslims and Jews who expressed indignation at the bill, one parliament member explained: “We’re in Iceland, not the Middle East. I understand that you guys don’t need your foreskins over there, it’s...