Culture

As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam
,

As Part of Iran Deal, Obama to Convert to Shi’a Islam

Confirming oft-repeated rumors, White House spokesperson Ima Arz today revealed that President Barak Obama is in fact a member of the Muslim faith. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Asked why this revelation came at this time, Arz explained that after much soul searching the President had decided to abandon Sunni Islam, in favor of the minority Shi’a faction....

The New York Times Unveils New “All-Israel” Section
,

The New York Times Unveils New “All-Israel” Section

In a dramatic announcement, The New York Times’ Editor Dean Baquet today unveiled the paper’s newest section, ‘All Israel.’ “A number of our readers open the paper just to scan for our Israel coverage. Some do it to complain that we are bashing Israel. Others so they can complain that we are not bashing Israel enough. Now they just need...

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?
,

Seriously, where is ISIS Getting its Orange Jumpsuits?

In the now-iconic words of C+C Music Factory, “Things to make you go hmmm”. Part one in an ongoing series. Recently, people have begun wondering where ISIS is buying all those orange jumpsuits. Like, they’ve got to come from somewhere right? Someone is making these things and selling them to ISIS,with full knowledge about what they’re being used for. They couldn’t not...

Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape
,

Netanyahu Questions Future American Relations as Obama Returns Mix Tape

Sources close to Benjamin Netanyahu confirmed reports yesterday that the Prime Minister was ‘outraged’ and ‘crushed’ after President Obama returned a box of Netanyahu’s belongings, including a mix tape made specifically for the President. “I just don’t know what happened,” the Prime Minister stated. “One day everything’s fine, the next day he’s flirting with Iran on a terrible nuke deal?...

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators
, ,

Dr. McDreamy Death Causes Change of Heart Among Dictators

The tragic death of Grey’s Anatomy Dr. McDreamy has given many Middle Eastern dictators and other head separating organizations pause for thought. “His death just made things so real for me,” said Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, clearly holding back his tears. During his interview, the dictator with over 300,000 deaths on his hands was frantically texting his BFFs the news, most...

Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish

Obama in Crash Three-Day Conversion Program to Become Jewish

The Deputy White House Spokesman today announced that President Obama has cleared his schedule for a crash three-day conversion course to join the Jewish People. After a Monday Mikvah dip (an oddly pleasant Jewish bath ritual), Obama will immediately depart for a brief visit to Israel. Asked why Obama was making this unprecedented move, the spokesman appeared unsure. “Well, the...

French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.
,

French Fries Finally Return to Washington D.C.

In a nod to France’s new military activism legislators on Capitol Hill are to vote to reinstate the qualifier ‘French’ in front of the fries on all menus across Washington. Speaking to The Israeli Daily a congressional staffer said that a bill would be introduced to the House in the next week. “We are hoping to acknowledge French support for...

Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It

Report: Friend Who Moved to Israel a Year Ago Still Smug About It

Sources report that your friend who immigrated to Israel last year is still super smug about it. They continue to update Facebook constantly, with pictures of normal stuff; trees, smiling people, beaches, sunsets, and add the qualifier: “Only in Israel!” You are rightfully confused, because as far as you know, all those things exist in other places too. You’re pretty...

Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt

Israeli Tour Guide Fools Israelis into Believing They’re in Egypt

Shlomi Bezalel, a licensed private tour guide, tricked 75 Israeli tourists into thinking that they were visiting Cairo. In fact, the group never left Israel. “This was supposed to be a romantic getaway with my girlfriend. I became suspicious when I saw my wife waddling on the banks of the ‘Nile River’. What luck: that bitch has left her bedroom exactly...

Tourists still visiting Israel not the types of people you would want to holiday with

Tourists still visiting Israel not the types of people you would want to holiday with

In a touching sign of support for the embattled nation and with clear indications of “something just being a bit wrong with them” tourists are still flocking to Israel. Whether it’s to enjoy the rocket filled skies in the south or the all-year-long seething religious tension in Jerusalem, there is something for everyone’s budget. Tour operator David Binglebloom said “it’s turning...

Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home

Iranian-Born Porn Star Ignites Controversy Back Home

An up and coming adult film actress living in Hollywood, California is stirring fierce debate in the land of her birth, causing a rift among social media users in the Islamic Republic of Iran. “This is an important dialogue that the Iranian people are conducting,” said porn star Afrooz Ahmadi on the set of her latest movie ‘Transsexuals: Age of...

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews
,

Anti-Zionists: Hitler against Circumcision not Jews

The anti-Zionist Lobby have claimed they, just like Adolf Hitler, are not anti-Semitic and that both they and Hitler’s chief targets are coincidentally Jews. In a hard hitting interview with The Mideast Beast, the head of a coalition of groups contradictory in every one of their values except being against Israel, claimed Hitler was not against Jews but had legitimate...

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa
,

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Naftali Bennett, leader of The Jewish Home party and the balding hunk in the above photograph, has called for a search for a star in the Jewish State after pictures and tweets of Middle Eastern porn star Mia Khalifa, born in neighbouring Lebanon, briefly topped social media searches last week. Twenty One year old Khalifa’s claim to fame was that she...

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge
,

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be...

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions
,

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since...

Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History

Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History

A new Zionist conspiracy was confirmed Monday morning when five major movie studios greenlit, simultaneously, the production of ten new films that will promote a decidedly pro-Israeli narrative. “Yeah, we’re all in on it,” Viacom spokesperson Monty Sassoon said at a surprise press conference convened by the five most profitable film companies in the world. “And by the way, you...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future
, ,

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since...

Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places

Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places

ABC Television announced today that the upcoming season of Celebrity Wife Swap would feature none other than Sarah Netanyahu and Asma al-Assad, two first ladies who will be followed by cameras as they trade homes and families for two weeks. Patricia Lik, Senior VP of Reality at ABC, said, “So what if their husbands accuse each other of war crimes?...