Culture

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle in the face of such tragic destruction of otherwise perfectly edible meat. We felt compelled to act.” Israeli Prime Minister...

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin kid sweeping the street. He sprinkles some water on the kid and screams ‘you’re Jewish!’ Then he turns and grabs...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed in Synagogue attack,” omitting the small but salient fact that the two Palestinians were the putzes doing the killing. Following a...

Netanyahu Writes Secret Letter to Abbas: Does the Road to Peace Run Through The Las Vegas Strip?

Netanyahu Writes Secret Letter to Abbas: Does the Road to Peace Run Through The Las Vegas Strip?

With Israeli police on high alert amid riots in Jerusalem and Galilee, it is being reported that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has invited Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas on a roadtrip to Las Vegas in an attempt to diffuse rising tensions between Jerusalem and Ramallah. “Vegas, baby!” is how a letter allegedly written late last week by Netanyahu to Abbas begins. “Mahmoud, boychik, I’m strung out: I’ll see your ‘Right of Return’ and raise you a laid back, acoustic...

Israel to Change Name of Jerusalem to…

Israel to Change Name of Jerusalem to…

As the United States Supreme Court considers Jerusalem’s status on US passports, the Israeli government is seeking to deflate the negative connotations long associated with its capital city by submitting a referendum to the citizens of Israel that will decide on a new name and motto for the current ‘Jerusalem: God’s Feisty Kitty’. While not a single Israeli government ministry was available for comment on the decision to hold a snap vote, TID has obtained an as yet unconfirmed list...

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood we couldn’t baste him for as long as we would have wanted. On the plus side the stoning had tenderised...

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV have recently confirmed that production of #RichKidsOfTeheran is now in progress, as the producers are fresh out of ideas when it comes to airing any more preposterous and shallow reality shows and admit that perhaps it is time to ‘walk the Red Line,’ as the show is ‘likely to be bombastic.’ #RichKidsOfTeheran is targeted at the Middle Eastern teen demographic and aims to rub their poverty in their faces while the rich and indulgent #RichKidsOfTeheran suit up in their...

Pulled-pork event in Nablus smashing success

Pulled-pork event in Nablus smashing success

Nablus, West Bank – A Hamas charity BBQ featuring 6,000 lbs. of ‘mystery meat’ drew a huge throng of Palestinians this weekend in Nablus. Local Hamas official, Ibrahim el-Porcinada rejected claims that the IDF-supplied BBQ, donated by the Van Camps Bean Company, was actually pork by saying, “Don’t be ridikumus (sic) the Israelis wouldn’t touch pig meat; we’re all Semitic! The IDF assured us that the wonderfully smoked BBQ gift was truly ‘smoked, seasoned goat meat.’ and I, for one,...

Yogurt causing Jews to flee to Germany

Yogurt causing Jews to flee to Germany

In yet another sign of the imminent apocalypse, a root cause of mass emigration of young Israelis according to the Israeli government is a chocolate-flavoured yogurt. The ‘Milky’ brand yogurt, which retails in Germany three times cheaper than in Israel, has been described by milk by-product experts as, “A bit bland, a bit bitter. Just crap, really.” A spokesperson from the Israeli Foreign Office told The Israeli Daily, “Look, the yogurt really isn’t that great. It’s got a weird texture...

Al Jazeera Viewership Dramatically Down in West Bank

Al Jazeera Viewership Dramatically Down in West Bank

From the West Bank of the Mississippi, locals are tuning out Al Jazeera in droves due to lack of ‘real newsy stuff.’ Local soybean farmer’ Marvin ‘Tweets’ Furlough said, “When they first appeared on cable, we thought Al Jazeera might give us some juicy video from the Mideast, but now they’re showing nothing but rock-throwing punks and camel cutaways.” A similar complaint came from Melvina Twerk of suburban Joliet. “We had high hopes for AJ when they first started, but...

Extreme Makeover: ISIS Hires Leading Advertising Agency to Clean Up Nasty Image

Extreme Makeover: ISIS Hires Leading Advertising Agency to Clean Up Nasty Image

ISIS has hired the Manhattan-based Dewey, Cox and Dingle advertising agency in an attempt to rebrand the militant group’s image. CEO B.J. Hoofard noted that, “The first thing I told them when we met in my office was, ‘boys, I just got a call: the 12th century wants its religious nihilism back.'” When asked how his company plans to represent the extremist, jihadist terrorist operation, Hoofard responded dryly: “Carefully. Very Carefully.” He went on, ‘We live in the Digital Age....

Saudi Women’s Team Withdraw from Beach Volleyball Circuit

Saudi Women’s Team Withdraw from Beach Volleyball Circuit

The Saudi Arabian Women’s Beach Volleyball team have announced that they will not be competing in next year’s Grand Prix series after their request to wear Islamic-compliant clothing was refused. An official announcement from team manager Kamal al-Faisal stated: “We are shocked and horrified by the decision of the Fédération Internationale de Volleyball [FIVB] not to allow our women to wear the hijab for their tournaments. We view this as racist and anti-Islamic”. The team had made the request shortly...

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Controversial New Study Claims Palestinian Authority Schoolbooks Teach Reading, Writing and Bomb Making

Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a Jewish Tomorrow, “When you google translate: ‘A just and comprehensive peace in the Middle East’ from English to Arabic, you...

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

Saudi Prince buys rights to Jewish song

A Saudi Prince today purchased the rights to the well-known Jewish song Hava Nagila (Let’s rejoice).  Reached for comment on his yacht, the Prince said through an interpreter “I dig the tune. It friggin’ rocks.” With the specter of future royalty payments looming, Jewish folk bands are refusing to play the song.  “I hated the damn thing anyway! I felt like such a tool whenever we played it,” remarked Shlomo Tubberstein, a local folk musician from Jerusalem.  “Trying to remain Celibate?...

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Hamas Bombs Make “BOOM” in Israeli Real Estate

Wealthy Jews (really, are there any other kind?) are buying up high priced property in Israel as a hedge against rising anti-Semitism in their present countries of residence. The surge in economic activity is creating a real estate boom as a welcome side effect of the recent war with Hamas. Despite the Gaza conflict creating a spike in global hatred for “dem Jooooos,” the Jewish people have responded as they have for millennia; by pointing out that they are in...

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

Israeli Facebook community can’t handle that people criticize Israel online

If there is one thing Israelis (original or transplant) feel more passionately about than Israel, it’s people criticizing or complaining about Israel. It appears that the online community of Israel is so effective at over-reacting that they don’t even have to read the articles to mobilize their indignation. Often times a mere whiff of a headline that mentions Israel not followed by ‘cures cancer’ or ‘provides relief aid’ is enough to unleash the deathly gates of hell and cause Israelis...

‘The Expendables 4: ISIS IS-OUT’ to be filmed in Gaza

‘The Expendables 4: ISIS IS-OUT’ to be filmed in Gaza

Widely circulating rumors that the Expendables 4 movie is to be filmed in the Gaza Strip were confirmed last night by Sylvester Stallone. Director, writer and star of the franchise confirmed that the 4th film, working title ‘ISIS – IS-OUT’ would use location shots of derelict Gazan areas in an effort to give the film ‘that authentic, terroristic feel’. In an interview with The Israeli Daily, the rubber-faced Rocky star stated that, ‘obviously, we can’t actually go into any ISIS...

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

Lady Gaga to address UN in place of Netanyahu

What next? Justin Bieber addresses NATO?   It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look at her! She’s so talented! You can’t help but be uplifted by her songs, or her colorful and varied costume...

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

In completely unsurprising and boring news, another Silicon Valley tech firm has bought yet another Israeli startup. CompletelyOverValued.com, an online retailer that focuses on selling random useless shit at a substantial markup and inconveniently delivering it in a weekly box to consumers’ doors, is buying Israeli startup Vinechat for the tune of $2 billion. Vinechat has a monopoly on the coveted college student vintner market, enabling budding winemakers to share detailed 6-second long instructional videos before they are erased from...

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

US begs England, Scotland for peaceful two-state solution

‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care?   As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told The Israeli Daily: ‘This violence has to stop. It’s all over the world news. Sheep are being attacked; eggs are...