Culture

ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”

ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”

Following Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan’s claim that Muslims discovered America in the 10th century, ISIS has jumped on the bandwagon, initiating proceedings to establish its right to ownership of the entire continental United States. The Multinational Jihadist Conglomerate of Incorporated Decapitators, commonly known as ISIS, filed papers late last week with the International Court of Justice, seeking redress for one of history’s great-alleged land swindles. “Muslim sailors landed in America more than three centuries before Christopher Columbus was even an itch in his...

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Turkish President, Tayyip Erdogan, in an “explosive announcement” claimed that Muslims discovered America, and not Roman Catholic explorer Christopher Columbus. One Turkish observer at the announcement noted, “According to our dictator, I mean President, sorry about that, brain freeze, ‘Christopher Columbus referred to the presence of a mosque on top of a mountain in Cuba.’” Erdogan, currently in talks with the Cubans, proposes building a new mosque on the top of that mountain. Cuban officials, speaking on condition of anonymity,...

“Kosher Sex” to Rival Fifty Shades of Grey at the Box Office

“Kosher Sex” to Rival Fifty Shades of Grey at the Box Office

The ordinarily media shy Shmueli Boteach, in a rare interview with the press has revealed to The Israeli Daily (TID) that he has sold the movie rights to Kosher Sex for $18 million. “It wasn’t easy to conclude,” said Boteach whilst updating Twitter with photos of his son’s birthday party, “as Jewish sex does not have the appeal one would think it has, even given the number of children we have.” “We also encountered some challenges with finding appropriately Jewish looking actors....

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict over narrative history, the Palestinian Authority sought to score a major win today by unveiling a recently uncovered 1930 edition of the Palestine Post. With Mahmoud Abbas at his side, Department of Archeology Chair Iba bin Digga, explained the finds significance. “We Palestinians struggle to prove our ancient historical connection with our land. The Israelis say that Palestine is an invention, that we are just another group of Arabs without a distinct identity prior to the...

Britney relaunch in Beirut

Britney relaunch in Beirut

Britney Spears will be relaunching her career in Lebanon in the New Year. In an announcement made through her publicists the former singer and all round party girl said that she would be looking to base herself in Lebanon after she found out that she still had at least three whole fans in the country, beating out Andorra where there are believed to still be two fans. Of course she doesn’t come close to Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa. Spears...

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Rumors abound that Angelina Jolie, one of the most powerful women in the world, is set to resign as United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Ambassador in response to the organization’s withdrawal from Yemen. “150 UN staffers fled Yemen’s capital over the weekend. Were the peace talks cut out in post-production? Great, another country with a refugee crisis that I have to learn lines for. I’m tired of doing sequels. See you at Cannes. Ciao,” The actress, filmmaker and humanitarian stated...

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

From its new London headquarters (image above) The BBC has issued a correction on its story of Miss Israel’s “photobomb” of Miss Lebanon at last month’s Miss Universe pageant, saying the bombing pictured with the story in fact occurred during World War II and was unrelated to the pageant’s controversy. “Earlier today, the BBC shared a picture from a reliable source, Twitter user @MelGibsonFan420, that claimed to be from the Israeli aggression in Miami,” the BBC said in a statement....

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier titles and the opportunity for considerable crossover merchandising. Therefore, a newly planned thrust into the Lebanon next Spring will become...

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

In a surprising departure from the usual subjects of their press conferences, the Palestinian Authority (PA) have astounded regional neighbours by announcing that they are to establish their own centralized bank – The West Bank. A PA spokesperson released an official statement: “It’s about time we look after our own money. Do you know how much foreign aid we get? Well, a lot actually but nowhere near what the Zionists get! Time to start looking out for own Benjamins. Come...

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

Honest Working Youngsters Step Up The Search For Fabled Israeli Gold

A number of European cities have recently seen an upsurge of brave young men banding together in order to search for their city’s Israeli Gold. Having staged successful searches in European capitals such as Paris, Copenhagen, Rome and others, the band of explorers recently turned their sights to London, the capital of the civilized world. Being tipped off as to a group of Israelis huddling secretively in a building, the youths knew this was the signal to act. Carefully removing...

Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel

Group praised for pointing out the real threat to Israel

Extreme wedding crashers, known as ‘Lehava‘, have been praised for drawing attention to the most pressing threat to Israeli security to occur since Israel’s Independence: crazy Israeli-Jews. For some time analysts have been torn between deciding whether continued moves by Iran to marry long range ballistic missiles with nuclear weapons or the zone of insecurity caused by the fighting in Syria and Iraq were greater threats to the Jewish Homeland. Other, clearly misinformed, pundits have been drawing attention to the inability...

“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck

“War on Chametz” Claims First Victims as Rabbis attack Bread Truck

Last year’s Good Matzo collapsed yesterday with the first violence of this Passover season. Masked rabbis firebombed Vinnie Agastino’s bread truck as it rolled through Brooklyn’s Crown Heights neighborhood. While Mr. Agastino suffered only moderate injuries, some four dozen casualties occurred in the form of focaccia and ciabatta loaves burned beyond recognition. A sack of uncounted dinner rolls was also among the victims. Local Rabbi Chaim Gebrochts, Chair of ‘Leaven Equals Death’ and negotiator of the Accords, condemned the violence,...

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

Killing for Your God Totally Reasonable, According to Recent Study

In the wake of another heroic murderous onslaught by three totally brave and noble guys at the French satirical magazine, Charlie Hebdo, a new study has brought exciting new data to light. Killing on behalf of your beliefs is, in fact, totally cool. Not all religious people are extremists, but even those that are, are totally stand-up citizens, and we totally respect their life choices! And if you’re not currently killing on behalf of your God, you should totally examine...

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

Politician Sucks up to Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis on Sucking-Circumcisions

In a move that fulfilled a campaign promise – and made near every person who heard about it either hurl or say “WTF!?!?!” – NYC Mayor, Bill de Blasio is moving forward with abolishing the requirement to warn about possible disease transmission when, as part of some Bris (Jewish covenant of circumcision), a crazy ultra-orthodox rabbis goes totally vampire and sucks the blood out of the baby’s penis. You read that right: Suck. Blood. Penis. Now you’re thinking, “didn’t y’all publish ‘Christian Baby...

Druze Accuse: Jews Abuse Zoo’s Kangaroos; Jews Disabuse Druze, “Whose News Misconstrues”

Druze Accuse: Jews Abuse Zoo’s Kangaroos; Jews Disabuse Druze, “Whose News Misconstrues”

Today, in Jerusalem’s Biblical Zoo, a Druze family accused a group of young Jews of taunting some of the more unusual rescues. They claimed that the Jewish youths were yelling and throwing trash at the zoo’s Australian kangaroo, named Amuz. The two parties began yelling at each other, and according to witnesses, it seemed a fight would ensue. However, the altercation was de-escalated after a short schmooze. Sources say any fighting would have simply been, ‘lose-lose.’...

ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt

ISIS Declares Official Food Strawberry-Vanilla Yogurt

Sometimes passports just aren’t enough. When it comes to nation building, the Islamic State has amped it up to the next level: declaring their official food. “The choice was pretty obvious,” explains one ISIS member, preferring to go by the pseudonym Sharia Snacker. “Nothing says violent fundamentalist Islam like strawberry-vanilla yogurt.” The decision was unanimous. In an unrelated note, those who had been consuming lemon or lime flavored yogurt were mysteriously found dead. “They were not true aficionados of yogurt,...

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Someone’s Super-Excited for the Jeb Bush Reunion Tour

Jeb Bush’s impending presidential announcement, greeted by yawns from most, has electrified the Neo-Con fanboy community. Fans bid up tickets to Bush’s foreign policy speech, given at the Chicago Council of Global Affairs, to as high as $15. All were desperate to catch a glimpse of a neo-con ‘rockstar,’ and maybe snag an autograph. “I heard Paul Wolfowitz is on board, but I’m hoping for Jon Bolton,” said John Smith, an accountant and devoted fan who camped all night for...

Parliament Speaker: Israel Stealing Fart Jokes from Lebanon

Parliament Speaker: Israel Stealing Fart Jokes from Lebanon

Ever since Israel discovered massive deposits of natural gas in the Mediterranean Sea, the country’s citizens have been brazenly lifting classic Lebanese fart jokes and claiming them as their own, a high-ranking Lebanese government representative claimed on Monday. The Deputy Speaker of Lebanon’s Parliament stated, “Israel is the most hated nation in the Middle East for one reason; it steals other countries’ best jokes.” According to the Deputy Speaker, the controversy with Lebanon arose in 2010, when Israel discovered the Leviathan gas fields. At...

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Israel PR on Lookout for Hotter, Cooler Pro-Israel Celebrities

Ever since last summer’s armed conflict between Israel and Gazan combatants, Israel continues to lose the media war. A representative from the Defense Ministry’s Department of Mentally Challenged PR said, “It’s unfortunate that the Pro-Palestinian camp has such good looking supporters. People like Mark Ruffalo, Javier Barden, and Penelope Cruz have all come out in support of the Palestinian cause. Then again, they also have Rob Schneider, so maybe that’s they’re way of trying to balance things out. Anyhow, It’s not that we...

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Reports that Israel’s leftist Labor Party’s Chairman, Isaac ‘Bougie’ Herzog lost his Apple ipod nano multi-touch weren’t thought to have much impact on Israel’s upcoming elections. Sure, it’s embarrassing – what grown man owns a Nano? – but at least there was no risk of leaked emails or humiliating selfies. That brief relief vanished as the still unidentified finder of Herzog’s Nano began releasing his workout mix, two songs at a time. Chanel 10 was the first to carry the revelation. “We’ve...