Culture

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

Hamas and Israel United in Confusion over U2 Album Outrage

The Israel Defense Force (IDF) and combatants in Gaza have found common ground, as they try to comprehend how people can be more upset by a free soft rock album than the intractable problems of the Middle East. Yona Greenberg, Music Review Editor of the IDF commented, “I mean I appreciate that it’s no ‘Achtung Baby’, but I really think people need to get a sense of perspective. You do realize we haven’t resolved shit over here yet, right? I mean we...

Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel

Christian Baby Blood Declared Most Popular Drink in Israel

The votes have been tallied! Today it was announced that when the heat get to them, Israelis overwhelmingly prefer a refreshing glass of blood harvested from the offspring of Christ followers! The drink, traditionally used for cooking, has surged in popularity as of late, having fallen out of favor towards the end of the Middle Ages. The increase in demand for the sanguine treat has been attributed to the super-racism that Israel is often accused of exhibiting. RELATED: Zionists Sank The...

Former Governor Perry strangely praises the Jewish People

Former Governor Perry strangely praises the Jewish People

Embarrassment reigned at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) annual policy conference in DC, as exuberant former Texas Governor and Republican Presidential contender Rick Perry took the stage saying he was glad about “all you Jews and Jewesses getting your horns removed so you can be good Americans.” Confused by the chilly reception to what he plainly intended to be a compliment, he added, “not there’s anything wrong, you know, with Jews having horns. I mean, if you think that’s what...

Israeli Politician Drunk Dials Abbas Offering Peace after Consuming ‘Special’ Purim Cookies

Israeli Politician Drunk Dials Abbas Offering Peace after Consuming ‘Special’ Purim Cookies

The fine-tuned machine that is Israeli diplomacy was thrown into disarray when Palestinian Authority President Abbas released a late night voice mail left by Israeli Minister of Economy Naftali Bennett. In it Bennett made an emotional, if somewhat rambling, plea for peace. “Mahmoud, Mahmoud, why should we kill each other? You think Ayelet Shaked is a hotty, and we think she’s a hotty. You like humus and we love humus…of course you also like Hamas, but seriously can you eat Hamas...

ISIS to Summer in Italy

ISIS to Summer in Italy

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi has extended his welcome and given travel advice to ISIS for their planned summer holiday to capture Rome. Renzi told The Mideast Beast that the jihadists will be a much needed boost to the ailing economy, which has seen tourism hit particularly hard. “We’ve seen a massive influx of visitors and martyrs to Syria, Iraq and Libya because of ISIS, which have seriously helped the local economy,” Renzi said, “As I say to the young girls…...

Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’

Netanyahu Convenes Rabbinic Conclave to Declare Him ‘Pope of the Jews’

Worried about his status as spokesperson for world Jewry, the Prime Minister’s office today announced that Bibi Netanyahu will summon a ‘rabbinic conclave’ to declare the Prime Minister ‘Pope of the Jews.’ Speaking to TID off the record, a close aide explained Netanyahu’s thinking. “At first Bibi was just going to have the rabbis make him high priest, but he worried that that title just doesn’t carry the kind of weight it did in the good old days. But folks...

Report: Deal Limits Iran to Three “Nucular” Weapons, US to Give Up Brangelina, Michelle Obama

Report: Deal Limits Iran to Three “Nucular” Weapons, US to Give Up Brangelina, Michelle Obama

While the final deal between Iran and the US led P5+1 has yet to be released, TID has learned of several previously undisclosed already accepted compromises. The agreement limits Iran to three nuclear weapons at any given time, though as a face saving compromise, these would be referred to as ‘nucular’ weapons as per the Bush pronunciation. Iran could replace these weapons on an ‘as used’ basis. In another surprise, the US agreed to send celebrity couple Brad Pitt and...

Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress

Iranian Nuclear Talks Collapse Over Disagreement on Color of Dress

Efforts by the United States to reach a negotiated agreement on Iran’s nuclear program came to a bitter end Friday, as the two sides broke off talks after a dispute over the color of a dress pictured on Tumblr. A deal was on the verge on being signed, according to sources from both nations, when Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei stumbled upon a picture of the dress and remarked innocently to U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry: “This is a lovely...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George with strong health, enough to finish writing his marvelous books which are below only the Quran itself.” ISIS militants expressed...

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

Netanyahu to Host 2015 Academy Awards

In a stunning last-minute turnaround, American media icon and international celebrity Benjamin ‘Superstar’ Netanyahu will host the 2015 Oscars. “Bibi’s so hot right now,” said Academy Awards show producer Tara Trendzini, adding that the Prime Minister has that ‘Kardashian factor’. “He’s someone you just love to hate.” Accordingly, the United Nations expressed their love by calling the event a “war crime”. Hamas, ISIS, Al-Qaeda, the European Union, Iran, and that hipster psychology major that thinks he knows everything issued condemnations as...

Hamas Signs for Disney World

Hamas Signs for Disney World

Disney World has unveiled Hamas as their new signing in Florida this morning. The move comes as Qatar agreed upon mutual consent with the organisation to part company after the petro-state expressed disappointment in Hamas’ failure in achieving its objectives of wiping Israel off the map. Disney World has been flirting with Hamas for a while now, since a delegation headed by Mickey Mouse made guest appearances in Gaza on children shows last year. Upon such visits Mickey made a number of...

UC Davis Student Government Declares “Jew Stabbing” an Act of Self Expression

UC Davis Student Government Declares “Jew Stabbing” an Act of Self Expression

Building on the recent vote to boycott Israel, UC Davis’s Student Government today moved to protect every students self expressive right to stab a Jew. Student president, Ms. Rebecca Jordan, said she expected the move to be controversial. Still she saw it as essential to maintaining UC Davis’s commitment to the free exchange of ideas. “New forms of expression emerge all the time. Imagine if we said that students couldn’t express themselves on email? Or were forbidden to tweet? Yes,...

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Netanyahu Fretted Over What to Give Obama for Valentine’s Day

Wishing to mend fences with a special someone and ignoring the risk to his standing amongst Orthodox Jews, Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu fretted earlier in the week over what to get President Obama for Valentine’s Day. Netanyahu, busy typing terms like ‘pissed off,’ ‘leader of a superpower,’ and ‘gone too far,’ into Google even as Valentine’s Day arrived was unavailable to comment. However, Spokesperson Mark Regev commented, “We know that Bibi can piss people off. Fortunately, he also knows...

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

New Saudi King’s Cabinet is Tubular to the Max

Saudi Arabia’s new King Salman ordered a major cabinet reshuffle on Thursday that reflects the monarch’s love for 1980s American television. “Even though he’s eighty, King Salman loves the ’80s!” exclaimed Saudi government spokesperson Felix al-Faisal. “His royal freshness’s throne room is filled with classic arcade games; Centipede, Super Mario Brothers, Donkey Kong, and Pac-Man. It’s bombdigity. You think I’m trippin’? Why do you think government officials are all of a sudden wearing neon-colored pastel t-shirts and linen suits? Royal decree, dude.”...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, fingered his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this sword from Ahmed’s Shop ‘n Chop. See the craftsmanship. Takes a head off with one swipe. But the kids these days,...

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

The Mideast Beast Retracts Following Claims Made by Brian Williams

Given The Mideast Beast’s (TMB) commitment to accuracy in reporting and our nonexistent long-term relationship with NBC Nightly News’ Mr Brian Williams, after careful research The Mideast Beast feels compelled to retract the following claims: Brian Williams did not suggest the name ‘Israel’ to David Ben-Gurion Brian Williams was not aboard the Enola Gay on August 6, 1945 Brian Williams did not tell Yasser Arafat that kaiffyas “look totally rad” Brian Williams was not on the Grassy Knoll on November 22,...

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait Jails Persian Cat for Insulting Emir

Kuwait’s lower court has sentenced a stray Persian cat to 11 years in jail for allegedly insulting the ruler of the oil-rich Gulf state on Twitter. Bernt Bystrom, Director of the International Feral Cat Initiative, said that the furry defendant, who has apparently fled the country, was not present at the ruling. “Shirazi has hightailed it out of that gilded cage.” Bystrom stated from Stockholm after the verdict was handed down. Our feline friends of the Persian persuasion have been living...

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced Tuesday. “As we attempt to restart negotiations between Israel and Syria on the Golan Heights and look to arm some...

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Crazy Uncle Thinks “Jews Could Learn a Thing or Two” from Paris Terrorists

Following the slaughter in Paris, the Stein family’s dinner table was brought to silence when Mrs Stein’s brother, Uncle Mike, explained that “we Jews could learn a thing or two” from those who carried out this act of murder. As his relations looked on in dumb humiliation, Uncle Mike continued, “look, I don’t condone what those terrorists did, but do you think that the New York Times would be so terrible on Israel if a few bad ass Jew boys...

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Super Bowl commercials for 2015 have been rolling out ahead of the big game on Sunday and, surprisingly, an ad by the Islamic Republic of Iran promoting the lifting of all sanctions against the country is generating some serious buzz. Produced by Iran’s Ministry of Barely Existent Tourism, the spot compares the increasingly moderate policies of the government in Tehran with a sex change operation. Farouk Ford Kashani, who directed the 30-second broadcast, describes it as “featuring a drop dead...