Culture

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Israel Searches for Star to Outshine Mia Khalifa

Naftali Bennett, leader of The Jewish Home party and the balding hunk in the above photograph, has called for a search for a star in the Jewish State after pictures and tweets of Middle Eastern porn star Mia Khalifa, born in neighbouring Lebanon, briefly topped social media searches last week. Twenty One year old Khalifa’s claim to fame was that she had managed to become the top searched actress on popular internet site Porn Hub, with some 1.5 million views. The...

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

Forget Food Stamps, Gwyneth Paltrow Takes On Middle East Challenge

This month, actress Gwyneth Paltrow made headlines for being skinny and blonde and also for taking on the Food Stamps Challenge, in which bored and out-of-touch celebrities try and live on the weekly food stamps budget of $29. After blowing her budget on kale and limes, Gwyneth had to quit the challenge early. (But, to be fair, eating kale would be hard even for starving African kids). Hoping to redeem herself/gain more publicity, Gwyneth will now be taking on the fun...

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN Condemns Israeli Aggression After Mistaking Memorial Day Siren for Rocket Alert

UN sources acknowledged today that a resolution condemning Israel for genocide was passed due to confusion caused by a siren sounded in Tel Aviv to commemorate Israel’s Memorial Day. “We heard that there were sirens in Tel Aviv and just assumed Hamas had launched rockets, so we decided to pass a resolution condemning the Israeli aggression,” a UN official told The Mideast Beast. “To be honest, we had the resolution in the hopper and ready to go since the ceasefire...

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

ISIS Overturns Ban on Women Carrying Out Executions

Responding to growing public outcry over gender inequality in its work place, ISIS’ leadership has voted to allow women the right to participate in all future hangings, burnings, beheadings, stonings and crucifixions. “Finally, change we can believe in!” exulted Amatullah X. “A woman’s role in establishing a global Islamic empire is no less important than a man’s,” the Jihadist added. Since an online video of an all-female jihadi brigade firing at the Church of Saint Simeon northwest of Aleppo, Syria went viral,...

Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History

Jews Tighten Grip on Hollywood: New Film Projects Push Zionist Version of History

A new Zionist conspiracy was confirmed Monday morning when five major movie studios greenlit, simultaneously, the production of ten new films that will promote a decidedly pro-Israeli narrative. “Yeah, we’re all in on it,” Viacom spokesperson Monty Sassoon said at a surprise press conference convened by the five most profitable film companies in the world. “And by the way, you know Jerry from Tom and Jerry? He’s on our payroll as well,” Sassoon added. RELATED: Zionists Sank The Titanic, New Study...

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

“Times of Israel” Blogger Reshapes Middle-East Political Future

In statement released by the Prime Minister’s office this week, Times of Israel blogger and part time social-media activist Aharon Landenbaum has “forever changed the course of Israeli history.” Although Landenbaum offered no practical advice, or measures that could be taken to address the issues he raised, his one-time blog was heralded as “perhaps the single greatest intellectual achievement since the state’s founding. A spokesman for the Israeli Government commented, “After reviewing this incalculably valuable treatise on the state of...

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

Obama Admits to Blowing Medicare Trust Fund in Persian Bazaar in Exchange for Fake Rolex

President Obama is facing renewed criticism after the White House acknowledged it had spent the entire government trust fund allotted for Medicare spending to purchase a watch that, upon further inspection, turned out to be a ‘Polex.’ The exchange occurred in a Persian bazaar in the outskirts of Tehran as Obama, feeling confident after the latest round of negotiations, decided to attempt to haggle for a new watch to wear to his celebratory press conference. Obama originally offered to pay...

Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places

Celebrity Wife Swap: Netanyahu, Assad Spouses to Trade Places

ABC Television announced today that the upcoming season of Celebrity Wife Swap would feature none other than Sarah Netanyahu and Asma al-Assad, two first ladies who will be followed by cameras as they trade homes and families for two weeks. Patricia Lik, Senior VP of Reality at ABC, said, “So what if their husbands accuse each other of war crimes? I’ve been inside the Prime Minister’s official residence in Jerusalem and the President’s home in Damascus. When it comes to...

ISIS and Scientology Announce Merger

ISIS and Scientology Announce Merger

Shockwaves from Hollywood to Damascus as the breakout terror group of the 21st Century, ISIS, and the start-up “religion” of the 20th, Scientology, announced merger plans. The new organization, “ISITOLOGY,” has yet to release a logo, announce a headquarters location, or even unveil its organizational chart. Still, the announcement provoked a major multi-industry realignment. Commentator Brea KN Record described the move as “Huge.” After finishing convulsing she continued, “This is the kind of envisioneering of emerging synergies on a cross...

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

A Saudi Arabian scientist has unlocked the secret to creating zero gravity on earth (allowing us to do cool crap like in the image above). If confirmed, the breakthrough could revolutionize space exploration and slash the energy demands of travel and transportation. Al Arabiya reported, “While the Islamic Golden Age’s most lasting contribution to humanity has been the creation of algebra, that achievement confused and infuriated hundreds of millions of people over the last 14 centuries. Ending gravity’s hold on mankind should...

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the occupation and bring peace to the region is for Kim and Kanye to cancel their trip to Israel,” Israeli President...

New Poll: 80% of Palestinian Men are Attracted to Israeli Women

New Poll: 80% of Palestinian Men are Attracted to Israeli Women

Indicating a seismic shift in public opinion from just six months ago, a poll conducted by the Palestinian Center for Policy and Survey Research (PSR) in the West Bank and Gaza Strip revealed that close to 80% of Palestinian men want to have sex with at least one Israeli woman. “This doesn’t bode well for the cause of Palestinian independence,” Palestinian Authority spokesman Ayoob Al Kudsi said in a recent television interview. RELATED: Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study...

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Like all teen romances, the UN was totally infatuated by Yemen. The impoverished Arabian nation asked the global organization to assist with all her myriad problems; hunger, violence, feeling generally unloved. “What can I say,” said the UN, describing those early days. “Yemen just seemed so helpless.   I felt like a hero. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. I was just giddy in love. Like Paradise by the Dashboard Light, you know, we always loved that song,...

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

In the most exciting development in the history of the sleepy Midwestern state, the citizens of Indiana found themselves boycotted by several organizations for the morally reprehensible law that allows organizations to boycott those in the state they find morally reprehensible. The surprised Indianans discovered themselves in kinship with several other locales suffering from the same fate: the State of Israel which is being singled out for blackballing for the crime of singly blackballing Palestinians and Iran, which is under...

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Flush after the success at the UN, President of Iran Hassan Rouhani has said that he is launching a campaign to change the US’ current official name in Tehran to reflect greater cooperation between the two countries in the fight against Islamic terrorism. “It started when me and the big O went down to the West Village to grab some shisha, apparently it’s real easy to slip the Secret Service,” Rouhani told a press conference. “To be honest I wasn’t...

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

The timing couldn’t have been better. Just days after reaching a nuclear deal with Iran – a deal Israel says “totally sucks” – the White House held their 7th annual Passover Seder. Surprisingly, the deal didn’t even come up. No one talked about it. When asked about it, White House Press Secretary and obvious gentile Josh Earnest said, “What deal?” Most attendees said they could not possibly see a reason for it to be discussed during Passover, the holiday commemorating...

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and moving to Tel Aviv. Not only did the article turn out to be completely fabricated, but The Mideast Beast even made...

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system. “I was hoping for some face time with the new chap. I really don’t think we have time for local...

Saudi Man Shocked to Discover that Wife is Really Just Two Kids Stacked on Top of Each Other Wearing a Burka

Saudi Man Shocked to Discover that Wife is Really Just Two Kids Stacked on Top of Each Other Wearing a Burka

Mohammed Ahmad, a 44-year-old Saudi Arabian man, has been married for 21 years. He and his wife Sana live in a modest apartment, and have been leading normal lives. Until today when Admad made the startling discovery today that his wife is actually just two children standing on each other’s shoulders. This fact is hard to discern when they wear a burka, traditional Muslim garb that women wear for modesty, and which covers them from head to toe. The children...

New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats

New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats

Despite accusations of Jew bashing, New Yorker editor David Remnick insisted today that Lena Dunham’s recent piece, ‘Jews or Rats’, was neither offensive nor insipid.  “Through thousands of years, people have compared Jews to vermin,” Remnick explained in a statement.  “Lena’s piece should be seen as part of that fine tradition.” Other noted culture critics joined in defending Dunham.  “Lena’s article is a fundamental counter narrative subversion of stereotypes, that deconstructs patriarchal dialectics,” commented Professor of Barista Studies, Ms. Fow...