Culture
After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems
After Turkish Premiere Recap Erdogan revealed only 24 months ago that America was discovered by Muslims, religious leaders from across the Muslim world continue to assert that the faith takes no responsibility for the current state of the country. “As a Muslim, I would like to make abundantly clear that we are not to blame for anything that’s taken place in America for the past 800 years,” said Abdullah bin Abdul Muhsen, Secretary-General of the Muslim World League. “Islam is...
Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...
‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages
BEIRUT – Lesbian terrorists are vowing to execute 34 male diplomats if Saudi Arabia does not grant women and LGBT citizens equal rights, after storming the kingdom’s embassy in the Lebanese capital this morning. Posing as a class of political science college students, dozens of female militants – who smuggled plastic guns in their orifices – seized the compound at 10:15 AM local time. After releasing all women, effeminate men and local cleaning staff, the so-called ‘Al-Kus Brigades’ (Pussy Brigades)...
Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”
Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamic Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning Islamist fighters, “the vast majority of these combatants come home to Europe or elsewhere not with a heightened lust to kill people, but rather a newfound love for Western...
Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combatting ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re here to fulfill men’s fantasies of domination and surveillance. Destroying ISIS was just a ruse to get the attention of...
ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan
Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We discover Atlantis, Xanadu, maybe those Clinton emails? With this tech, I’d believe it.” But ancient history fans aren’t the only...
Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...
ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving
Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...
Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre
The moonlight sparkled across the Persian Gulf as the raucous crowd moved towards the Middle East’s new artistic centerpiece. Sheikh Khalifa, who commissioned and oversaw the $1 billion project, greeted me with open arms: “We are very proud to put ourselves on the cultural map. We couldn’t think of a name on our own so we just thought, ‘fuck it, let’s just copy the Parisians!’” As we made our way through the gallery, I was struck by the variety of...
Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque
JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....
Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes
In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...
Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’
Jewish and Muslim authorities have combined forces to criticize what they see as a premature planning of the ‘War on Christmas’. In a series of press releases representatives of both faiths lashed out at the perpetual cycle of planning earlier every year. “As soon as September rolls around we are already receiving blueprints for how we are going to undermine the Christian holiday” one memo states. “It’s pretty fucking annoying. I don’t even want to hear about Christmas until late...
Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this coming Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when...
Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds
American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed heads, leading officials to believe that the men could be elusive moderate Syrian rebels. Other US intelligence agencies were conferenced...
Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven
Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel for being an ethno-state. I mean, remember those Ethiopian Jews they airlifted to Israel? Bunch of racist idiots!” Another American,...
ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities
Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses. Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or offensive language. Many universities have, like a guy who buys a tiger because he thinks it’ll make a stylish sofa,...
ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes
In a rare act of unity, Sunni and Shiite extremist groups came together to condemn insensitive Halloween costumes. A joint statement was released on behalf of ISIS and Hezbollah shunning Americans who engage in “cultural appropriation” by dressing as Islamic extremists. In the midst of warfare and mass murder in Syria, cultural sensitivity remains a heated issue in the greater Levant. “We will not have our culture of violence and terror mocked by privileged white American college students going to...
Real Estate Gaffe May Ruin God’s Career
White bearded property developer, God, returned from vacation earlier today only to find a nasty surprise. Though normally regarded as being very responsible, the real estate mogul has come home to millennia of bloodshed all due to a simple clerical error resulting in the promise of the Levant to more than one client. “You expect to get away from it all for just a couple thousand years and that when you get back, all your affairs will still be in...
Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’
Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately. Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.” Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...
Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria
Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our backs on such a tragedy,” Assad said after reading about the 2015 Tyrone shooting, then the Charleston church shooting that...