Culture

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’

Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Syria, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every...

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’
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San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.” Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of paralytics to walk, as well...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business
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Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon.com is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, stroked his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump’s recent calls for downsizing US troops in Afghanistan is to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry Christmas’ sign being...

ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery
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ISIS Leader Wears Dress on Vogue Cover to Prove His Bravery

Looking to earn the respect of his organization’s fighters, ISIS leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Qurashi has agreed to appear on the cover of Vogue wearing a Gucci dress for the magazine’s January issue. Qurashi, who has struggled to earn the trust of his mujahadeen since his predecessor Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was killed, told The Mideast Beast that the idea came...

Saudis Apologize for Executing Infidels Based on ‘Sexual Preference’
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Saudis Apologize for Executing Infidels Based on ‘Sexual Preference’

Acknowledging that the term is considered offensive, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman apologized for executing homosexuals based on their “sexual preference” rather than their sexual orientation. Bin Salman’s apology came after Kyle Griffin, a senior producer for MSNBC, pointed out on Twitter that the Saudi penal code called for “the beheading of the homosexual evildoers, who defy the will...

Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’
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Dems Plan to Win Back Muslim Vote by Using Term ‘Muslimx’

With exit polls showing US President Donald Trump making gains among Muslim voters, Democratic leaders have announced plans to rename the religion ‘Islamx’ and its followers ‘Muslimx’ in an effort to be more inclusive. “It is clear that our messaging was not reaching Muslim communities as we expected, and we believe using colonialist heteronormative patriarchal terms like ‘Muslim’ and ‘Islam’...

Macron Again Angers Muslims With Muhammad Halloween Costume
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Macron Again Angers Muslims With Muhammad Halloween Costume

French President Emmanuel Macron has once again angered some of his country’s Muslim citizens, this time by appearing as the Prophet Muhammad on Saturday evening at a Halloween party. In what aides called an effort to stand up for free expression and speech in the face of a series of gruesome terrorist attacks, Macron arrived on a camel at an...

Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
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Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an...

Barrett to Meet with ISIS, Iran for Tips on Implementing Theocracy
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Barrett to Meet with ISIS, Iran for Tips on Implementing Theocracy

Wasting no time in implementing her vision of an all-powerful theocracy, newly confirmed Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett has boarded a red-eye flight to the Middle East to meet with the leaders of ISIS and the Islamic Republic of Iran for advice on imposing her religion on her subjects. Barrett will first fly to Tehran, where she will visit...

Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi
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Armenia, Azerbaijan Agree to Truce After Kendall Jenner Shows Up with Pepsi

A truce has been reached in the conflict over Nagorno-Karabakh, as both Armenia and Azerbaijan agreed to a ceasefire after reality television star Kendall Jenner arrived at the battlefield with Pepsi. Armenian and Azerbaijani troops were lined up across from each other on the battlefield, with each country’s forces waiting for the other to fire the first shot. But seconds...

Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown
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Netflix Announces House of Saud Spin-Off of The Crown

After receiving reviews that their depiction of the British royal family is “somewhat tedious and dull,” the team behind The Crown announced a new spinoff version of the show following the exploits of the House of Saud. This version is sure to have far fewer boring political scenes, as the royal leaders only turn to two sources for advice: themselves...

Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize
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Trump Launches ‘Tremendouser Nobel Committee,’ Awards Self Peace Prize

After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...

Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked
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Breaking: San Francisco State University Students Devastated Live Stream with Palestinian Hijacker Hijacked

An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Shittiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the Five F’s” –  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of...

Israel Reaches Peace Agreement with ‘The Halal Guys’
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Israel Reaches Peace Agreement with ‘The Halal Guys’

Israel has taken another step towards acceptance in the Arab World, agreeing to sign a landmark normalization agreement with New York-based fast-casual Middle Eastern chain “The Halal Guys.” The deal was announced just days after the country, long an outcast in the Muslim world, was officially recognized by Bahrain. Israeli Prime Minister is set arrive on Wednesday in Manhattan, where...

9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits
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9/11 Attacks Were Failed Gender Reveal, al Qaeda Admits

Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...

ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”
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ISIS Storms US Restaurants Demanding Diners Say “Death to America”

Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down.  Their demands are clear and their strategy effective.  Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing into restaurants en masse to...