Culture
Arrested Palestinian Terror Teens Sentenced to One Month at Jewish Summer Camp
“Guilty,” said the Israeli judge, relaying the verdict of two Palestinian teens that stood accused of carrying out a terror attack that left several Israelis wounded. The teens, who make up the worst duo since Milli Vanilli, didn’t react to their verdict until they heard the sentence. “We were mentally prepared to spend time in an Israeli prison,” one teen told the press, “But… the punishment they gave us… it’s much, much worse.” The Israeli court decided that the pair...
Jenny McCarthy Proposes Vaccinating ISIS Members in Hopes of Giving Them Autism
In a bold plan aimed at degrading the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, actress and activist Jenny McCarthy has proposed vaccinating ISIS members in hopes of giving the jihadi fighters autism. “While vaccines are too dangerous to give our children, there’s no better way to fight the Islamic State than to make sure all their fighters are vaccinated,” McCarthy told The Mideast Beast. “Sure, a handful of their fighters may be saved from measles or polio, but the thousands of...
Anti-Semites Fear Ilhan Omar is Using Anti-Semitic Tropes at Unsustainable Rate
Warning that the Congresswoman was on course to burn through all major Jewish stereotypes in her first year in office, a number of prominent bigots have urged Minnesota Democrat Ilhan Omar to pace herself in her use of anti-Semitic dog whistles. The warnings came after Omar was forced to apologize for implying that members of Congress support Israel due to payoffs from pro-Israel lobbyists, deploying the “rich Jews run the world stereotype.” This came just weeks after she apologized for...
After Conversion, Israel Now Focusing Diaspora Outreach Solely on Jenna Jameson
The Mideast Beast has learned that after former adult film actress-turned-entrepreneur, Jenna Jameson, told reporters she converted to Judaism the Israeli government has announced it will redeploy all its resources to convince the former porn star to move to the Holy Land. “Previously, our diaspora outreach program aimed at appealing to a broad swath of Jews in Europe, the United States and the former Soviet Union,” noted ultra-nationalist Israeli Minister Naftali Bennett. Speaking to the Mideast Beast, Bennet said, “Now, however, we...
Muslim Nations Accuse Israel of Mistreating Palestinians to Distract from Humane Treatment of Homosexuals
While claims of wrongdoing on the part of the Jewish State are not at all rare coming from Muslim nations, many maintain a “we’ve heard it all” mentality towards the claims. And though excuses may be like assholes, in that everyone has one and they all stink, accusations of Israeli crimes are more like Halal food farts – not all of them come from Muslims, but the majority tend to. Today the world finally heard a new accusation voiced by...
How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing a Suicide Vest
These days, many women walk around crowded marketplaces while wearing explosives-filled suicide vests looking for the best place to shout “Allahu Akbar!” and detonate themselves. Yet, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them! Of course, not all women wearing suicide vests are open to being approached, because not all women are looking to meet their soul mates right before their souls meet its maker. However, if a woman wearing explosives is single, and not being pushed into carrying out...
Pope Arrives in UAE to ‘Chill’
Pope Francis has admitted today that he is visiting the Gulf this week purely to ‘chillax’ like everyone else that turns up during the Northern hemisphere winter months. “A lot of people are making a big thing about this being a major step forward in interfaith understanding. And that’s great,” the leader of the Catholic faith commented from a chilly Vatican City. “However, I also really need some sun and fun, and I hear those six-star hotels are the real...
Mideast Groundhog Sees Shadow, Signaling Six More Generations of War
In a disappointing development for residents of the region, the Middle Eastern version of Groundhog Day ended with the groundhog seeing his shadow, an indicator that six more generations of war are ahead. Thousands of onlookers from across the Arabian Peninsula and beyond gathered in Mecca to watch Bunxsutawney Bill come out of his burrow, hoping he would usher in an era of peace. But the rodent soon scurried back into his hole, meaning the Mideast can expect at least...
God Urges Jews, Muslims to Stand their Ground in Dispute over Temple Mount
With tensions between Israelis and Palestinians on Jerusalem’s Temple Mount reaching a boiling point over the past year, God once again urged both Jews and Muslims to resist pressure to compromise and said both religious groups should “fight to the last drop of blood” to protect the sanctity of the site. “This was the site of the first and second temples, and now Jews can’t even pray there without being arrested? And you tolerate this? I’m not sure why I...
Conspiracy Books Led Bin Laden to Question His Own Involvement in 9/11
After reading several books touting conspiracy theories, former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden spent his last days in his compound in Pakistan questioning not only the U.S. government’s version of 9/11 but his own role in the 2001 attacks, newly released documents show. Among the books bin Laden kept in his Abbottabad compound was David Ray Griffin’s “The New Pearl Harbor,” which claims that the Twin Towers were not brought down by planes and that 9/11 was a “False...
Israelis Demand a Leader without a Silly Nickname
Tens of thousands of Israelis flooded the streets of Tel Aviv today demanding more choices in their upcoming election. Protest Leader Avi Ben Shlomo addressed the crowd. “We Jews have defied history and built a state. Is it really so much to ask that we have a choice of a leader with a real name? Bibi? Bougie? Seriously, Bamba sounds more like the name of a real leader and that’s a fucking snack food! And don’t get me started on...
ISIS Abandons Jihad After Seeing Gillette Ad on Toxic Masculinity
Islamic State fighters announced plans to lay down their arms Tuesday after an ad by the shaving product brand Gillette convinced them their efforts to re-establish the Caliphate were the result of toxic masculinity. “I never thought twice about decapitating human rights workers, blowing up Shiite mosques or keeping young Yazidi girls as sex slaves, because I was always told that was just the way guys were supposed to act,” said former Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who since quitting jihad has...
Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS
Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...
Gay Saudi Man Sentenced to Death Really Hopes U.S. College Students Get Their ‘Safe Spaces’
Mohammad Mansour, 28, is a gay Saudi Arabian man, which is ironic because he hasn’t been very happy lately. Mansour has been upset because he hasn’t slept well in days, and also, he’s currently being held in a Saudi prison on charges of engaging in “icky, gay stuff.” Though he’s attempted to reach out for help from human rights groups, Mansour recognizes that his case is most likely hopeless, as the world often has trouble criticizing the only country that...
Radical Islamists Form New LGBTQ+ Terror Group
Inspired by the success of the annual Tel-Aviv Pride Parade, closeted terrorists throughout the Middle East have decided to unite and show their true colors by establishing a new pan-Arab LGBTQ+ terror organization. “At first, we were afraid we would get our heads chopped off, or worse, our dicks. However, our long-standing suspicion that there is a large population of gay terrorists throughout the region turned out to be correct,” commented one representative of the group, who identifies as a...
Syrian President: “My War Has Increased Westerners’ Education on Middle East Geography”
With an estimated 400,000 deaths and millions of displaced civilians, the Syrian War has been at the forefront of the world’s consciousness and news networks. While most have painted President Bashar al-Assad as a criminal who pushed his country to destruction, he contends his motivations to continue the war are righteous. “Do you think anyone in the US knew where Kabul was before they went to war with the Taliban and al-Qaeda?” posed Assad. “Then after the Iraq war everyone...
Warren to Campaign in Burqa After Learning She is 1/1024th Middle Eastern
US Senator Elizabeth Warren announced the launch of her 2020 presidential campaign while donning a full burqa, an Islamic garment which covers a woman’s body and face, after a DNA test showed that she is nearly 0.1% Middle Eastern. Warren’s surprising move came after the senator and presidential candidate backed away from claims of Native American ancestry. Instead, Warren will now focus on her one great-great-great-great grandparent believed to be from the Islamic world in order to claim the status of...
ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...
‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Satire News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy
News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...
Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance
In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology, the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...