Culture

Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub
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Syrian Kurdish Women Fighters Release Exotic Lesbian Orgy Video on Pornhub

In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combating ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re...

Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation
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Palestinians Accuse CHAZ/CHOP of Cultural Appropriation

Palestinian activists are accusing the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone of appropriating Palestinian culture after they made up their own country in six square blocks of Seattle. “It’s not fair” one Palestinian in Ramallah said, “these white people steal everything: hummus, rioting, and now making up their own countries in random places?” For nearly two weeks, six city blocks of Seattle...

ISIS Upset They Didn’t Think of Wearing Hawaiian Shirts
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ISIS Upset They Didn’t Think of Wearing Hawaiian Shirts

According to people close to The Caliphate’s Costume Co-ordinator, Muhammad bin Muhammad, he spent the night self-flagellating over his vision board. He was repenting for failing creatively with the Caliphate’s signature look after seeing homegrown terror groups in the United States diverging from the traditional all-black look in favour of a more colourful ‘70s Hawaiian shirt vibe. Bin Muhammad is...

CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation
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CHOP Condemns Itself After Discovering Cultural Appropriation

CHOP (Capitol Hill Occupied Protest), formerly known as CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone) condemned itself after realizing that its new acronym constitutes cultural appropriation – CHOP for chopsticks – and also a subtle form of racism, as the name indicates a preference for Chinese food. To prevent more emotional damage, CHOP immediately went back to calling itself CHAZ and released...

ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet
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ISIS Executes “Racist Journalist” for Insensitive Tweet

ISIS recently executed an unnamed American “racist journalist” in Syria after he tweeted that infidel lives matter, too. The execution came at a time of increased international focus on institutionalized media racism, after several high profile resignations of male editors from US newspapers, such as that of executive editor  Stan Wischnowski of The Philadelphia Inquirer, who recently resigned after experiencing...

Neo-Nazis Accidentally Defend Famous anti-Nazi Winston Churchill
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Neo-Nazis Accidentally Defend Famous anti-Nazi Winston Churchill

Central London saw violence this week as members of neo-Nazi groups such as Britain First accidentally gathered to defend Britain’s most famous non-Nazi, Winston Churchill. Despite the angry bald men claiming to be defending Churchill’s legacy, they clearly misunderstood what that legacy entailed exactly, as they threw up Nazi salutes while facing down the police. “I get that people are...

Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”
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Progressive Taliban Burn Harry Potter Books after JK Rowling’s “Transgender-phobia”

The progressive Taliban Institute for Literacy Advancement in Afghanistan angrily burned Harry Potter books in protest against J.K. Rowling’s recent transgender-phobic remarks. The bestselling British author committed the cardinal sin of questioning the womanhood of transgender individuals who made the journey from men to women. Mrs. Fatimah Yassin, the Taliban Minister for Gender-Fluid Weird Creatures, spoke to The Mideast Beast...

Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party
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Ice Cube Nominated for Leader of the UK Labour Party

The rapper and movie star Ice Cube cultivated notoriety this week after sharing a series of anti-Semitic memes on twitter, not to mention a scathing and detailed report on his “long, disturbing history of anti-Semitism. Although these sorts of actions usually result in a Twitter ban, or even job loss, mere seconds after tweeting the images Ice Cube received a...

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on our research, we must conclude...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
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Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
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Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind...

Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’
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Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’

President Donald Trump recently said that God had spoken to him in a dream and indicated that he had sent the novel Coronavirus for Trump to “prove himself”. “…And then came a Plague, a tremendous Plague, and the World was never to be the same again! But America rose from this death and destruction, always remembering its many dead, and...

Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately
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Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately

Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused Joe Biden of “smelling my hair and touching me inappropriately.” The explosive story comes at a time when many Americans are having second thoughts about Biden’s eligibility as America’s next President. A devastated Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from The Institute for Traumatized Despots in the Levant. “One day during my studies in...

New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners
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New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners

New York’s mayor Bill de Blasio will begin personally breaking apart ultra-orthodox Jewish family meals in densely populated pockets of Brooklyn. The mayor made his announcement on Twitter Wednesday. The policy is de Blasio’s latest act in Covid-19 inspired anti-semitism. The mayor will rotate through religious Jewish neighborhoods every day in order to bring a halt to meals. The mayor’s...

Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown
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Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown

Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and...

Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover
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Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover

In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump gave Jews permission to eat bread post-Passover. The announcement came days after he gave American governors the authority to decide when to open up their states. “I hope you go eat bagels, your people make some great bagels, and charge very nicely for it. Always know how to charge a...