Israel has taken another step towards acceptance in the Arab World, agreeing to sign a landmark normalization agreement with New York-based fast-casual Middle Eastern chain “The Halal Guys.” The deal was announced just days after the country, long an outcast in the Muslim world, was officially recognized by Bahrain. Israeli Prime Minister is set arrive on Wednesday in Manhattan, where...
Al Qaeda’s attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, 2001 were not intended as an act of terrorism but were in fact a failed attempt at a dramatic gender reveal, senior leaders of the terror group acknowledged. The now-waterlogged al Qaeda leader, Osama bin Laden, was looking to announce the sex of his daughter, Safiyah,...
Though ISIS has never been linked to a violent attack in the United States, “mostly peaceful” ISIS affiliates have begun demonstrating in cities across the US, including Seattle and Portland, where law enforcement officials have agreed to stand down. Their demands are clear and their strategy effective. Masked protestors dressed in black have been rushing into restaurants en masse to...
After months of unrest and riots across American cities led to journalists being arrested and threatened, CNN announced they may be moving their headquarters to the Middle East “We are trying to move somewhere with more freedom of press,” said a spokesperson of the news network. “So far the candidates are Riyadh, Kabul, and Tehran. However, due to unexpected cuts,...
North Korea’s Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un, ordered this week that all pet dogs be confiscated from citizens, claiming the dogs were a symbol of “Western decadence”. Some are concerned though, that in the starving hermit kingdom, the pets might also represent “a decent lunch”. North Korea insists that this is not the case, and blamed Israel for the new policy....
According to Shanti Shapiro – a San Francisco-based psychic – an ISIS jihadist who died in a suicide mission against Syrian soldiers is insisting he be resurrected after contracting an STD from one of the ‘virgins’ he slept with in the afterlife. “He is utterly furious. Despite being promised 72 bona fide virgins, his penis and anus are now covered in...
Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Mohammad Shtayyeh announced Monday that the Palestinians will boycott next year’s Expo (world fair) in Dubai following the UAE’s opening of diplomatic relations with Israel. In the statement he said, “Palestinians have much to offer the world, more than the Israelis and the US, and the world will have to reckon with our absence next year....
Republican Congressional candidate Laura Loomer has called for a nationwide ban on falafel, calling the chickpea-based dish a “Muslim terrorist jihad food.” “Why are we letting these Sharia-loving terrorist Muslims not only into our country but INTO OUR STOMACHS?!?!?” Loomer asked in a tweet following her victory in an August 18 primary for a south Florida congressional seat. “When I...
In shocking news, it’s been uncovered this week that in order to study Cannabis legalisation the FDA launched a program closely monitoring the mental faculties of one particularly voracious user: Seth Rogen. The program was top secret, but after Rogen spoke out against the need for a Jewish homeland – while conveniently ignoring that most Israelis descend from refugees –...
With images emerging of Uyghurs being forced into train cars and legal experts now calling China’s treatment of the ethnic minority a genocide, US progressive leaders have demanded Chinese President Chinese President Xi Jinping paint ‘Uyghur Lives Matter’ on a prominent roadway. “The forced sterilization and re-education of the Uyghur is a crime against humanity, and it must be met...
In an effort to push back against an increasing intolerance towards political dissent in their country, more than 150 Saudi writers and intellectuals have signed an open letter denouncing “behead culture.” The letter comes amidst a growing number of cases in which Saudis were beheaded for seemingly mundane offenses, such as mildly criticizing Sharia Law or citing evidence that mass...
After successfully turning Hagia Sophia into a mosque, Turkish President and Middle Eastern Gollum look-alike, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, announced he now plans to convert the recently opened Istanbul Airport into a Muslim house of worship. Erdogan proposed handing the airport over to the Religious Affairs Directorate, which would close the $12 billion hub to air traffic and instead create a...
Calling it a momentous step towards recognition of the LGBTQ+ community, Saudi Arabia announced that all homosexuals executed during pride month would be hung from a rainbow noose or beheaded with a rainbow-colored ax. Though human rights activists said much further process remains necessary, the announcement marks a major step forward for gay equality in the kingdom. “We have a...
Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad has called off his attacks on the country’s Sunni population after reading Angela de Robin’s bestseller Alawite Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for Alawite Dictators to Talk About Sectarianism. Assad, who had waged a nearly decade-long war on his country’s Sunnis and Kurds, said the book opened his eyes to his own subconscious bias against Muslims...
In a bid to protect his wax figure at Madame Tussauds, President Trump recently signed an executive order protecting confederate monuments. This order decreed that although these statues remind many of a reign of terror and bloodshed against their families, the statues are necessary reminders of historical truths. Real Americans, Trump says, do not topple intimate objects, which is why...
Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to hate-post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside...
June is Pride Month, and in many countries it is a time to celebrate sexual diversity by plastering rainbow flags on pretty much anything and holding parades where people dance down the streets in speedos spreading glitter on everyone and everywhere. However, this year’s festivities are being put on hold because of the relentless novel coronavirus. One country, however, will...
The latest public reckoning around racist, or as academia calls them “controversial,” figures befell Princeton University this weekend as activists pushed for the removal of Woodrow Wilson’s name from the School of International Affairs. In a surprise move the administration agreed with the students, stating that the name “International Affairs” is outdated and should be replaced with something more representative...
In what has been described as a daring PR stunt, women fighters in Syrian Kurdistan have produced a 15-minute pornographic video of an alien-themed Sapphic six-way. “We simply weren’t getting appropriate media attention by combating ISIS through a historical tradition of disciplined military training,” said Berdil Baran, a lieutenant of the Women’s Protection Unit (YPJ) in an interview. “Really, we’re...
The terror group al Qaeda has announced a major shift in its strategy after discovering that racially insensitive comments and microaggressions now count as violence. On Saturday, the group released a video that Slate has called its most violent attack since 9/11, as leader Ayman al-Zawahiri read out a series of subtly offensive statements. “We at al Qaeda would like...
