Culture
ISIS Confirms Activities for Kids in Heaven
In an ambitious bid to expand their workforce, the Islamic State (IS/ISIS) has confirmed new rewards for underage martyrs. IS spokesman Walid Smal-Salami said; “For too long we’ve been focused on our core demographic of murderous and horny 18-35 year olds. It’s frankly been an easy sell to say ‘hey guys look, 72 unsullied hot chicks are yours if you’re just willing to suspend critical thinking for a bit, and basically be a complete shithead.’” “Actually to be honest we don’t vocalize...
‘Real News’ Agencies Slam ‘Satire News’ Sites for Spreading Inaccuracy
News agencies around the world are fuming at the existence of satirical news sites, claiming they are doing grave damage to people’s knowledge of the facts. Yet, news agencies that people rely on for information regarding global events, such as Fox News and CNN (among a slew of others), have a disturbingly high percentage of incorrect fact presentation. In other words, their bullshit meter is, at times, off the fucking charts. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, a BBC official in...
Ancient Skeleton Discovered ‘Flipping the Bird’ Confirms Mideast Never Had a Chance
In perhaps the most apropos discovery in the history of Middle Eastern archaeology, the bones of a human middle finger, approximately 90,000 years old, were just unearthed at a dig site in Saudi Arabia. “We believe we are being flipped off from the past; we’re talking about millennia after this individual died,” said head of the Saudi Commission for Tourism and National Heritage, Ali Ghabban. “It’s almost as if our ancestors knew then that this area of the world would...
ISIS Captures Santa, Demands ‘Sharia Christmas’
Santa Claus is being held by ISIS fighters in Raqqa, as the Islamic State is demanding an ‘Islamic Christmas’ be adopted by Saint Nick. “For too long, this red-suited infidel has passed over the houses of countless Muslim children to deliver gifts to these non-believers,” said one ISIS fighter in a video delivered to Al Jazeera’s North Pole correspondent. “Every year of my childhood, I left out a class of goat’s milk and a serving of baklava hoping he would,...
All Syrian Teen Wants Is to Rub One Out in Peace
Under the constant threat of barrel bombs, stray mortar shells, crossfire between various rebel factions, and being strafed by a fighter jet, Syrian teen Mahmoud al-Tibi admitted Sunday that he can’t find one goddamn minute to jerk off properly. Between his mom barging into his bedroom to tell him “they’ve begun shelling again” and his little sister sobbing uncontrollably next door, it’s proving impossible to ‘smack the Imam’. “I try to watch some porn but halfway through the Internet connection...
Opening 4,000-Year-Old Tomb Probably Best Option Agree Peace Experts
Regional peace experts have concluded that at this point opening a 4,000-year-old undisturbed Egyptian tomb is probably the worlds least bad option for regional stability. “We’ve all seen the movies and read the prophecies”, commented Dr Adam Goldberg of the Israeli Institute for Arcane Weird Ass Shit. “And let’s face it, waking up a millennia-old evil mummy with supernatural powers to control the undead, would on the face of it, be an ever so slight improvement on the current mess....
ISIS Bans ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ for Not Being Rapey Enough
With just weeks until Christmas, the Islamic State has officially banned the popular holiday song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” due to concerns that the song promotes men asking women for consent. “The man in the song repeatedly begs the woman to stay with him overnight instead of simply throwing a burlap sack over her head and declaring her his wife,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said in a statement announcing the ban. “That is not a message we want to...
Twelve Killed in Mecca During Annual ‘MuhammadCon’ Bar Crawl
In one of the deadliest pub crawls so far this holiday season, 12 people were killed and hundreds injured during Mecca’s annual ‘MuhammadCon’ celebration. The event, in which hundreds of Muslims hit the town dressed as their favorite prophet, has generally turned into a night of public intoxication and drunken rowdiness, much like SantaCon in the US and the Vatican’s ChristCon. Brawls between robe-clad partiers are common and frequently spill over into the streets. “It is the one time of year that...
Ocasio-Cortez Blasts Maccabees for Using Oil Instead of Renewables
Calling for a government ban on Hanukkah celebrations, Congresswoman-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez blasted the Maccabees for using oil instead of wind or solar power to light their menorah. Hanukkah celebrates the Maccabees – a group of rebel Jewish warriors in the second century BC – rededicating the Second Temple in Jerusalem and making one day’s worth of ritual olive oil burn for eight nights. The incoming congresswoman, however, tweeted that the Maccabees “are clearly in the pockets of big oil” and...
ISIS Member Unsure About Bringing Al-Qaeda Girlfriend Home for the Holidays
Like all holiday seasons that are just around the corner, they can be a period of intense joy, spending time with family and friends. But they can also be a time of dread. For many couples in a new relationship, one has to ask if the holidays are the right time to meet that significant other’s family. This predicament is no different for terrorist groups. This holiday season is putting a lot of stress on ISIS member, Abu al-Badhu Mohammed. “She’s...
Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children
Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...
Hamas Tunnellers Admit They’re Only Digging to Meet Israeli Girls
A number of the men digging Hamas’ terror tunnels recently confirmed The Mideast Beast’s suspicion that most entered the highly dangerous field mainly in the hope of meeting Israeli girls. “All the time the imams tell us about how Israel is just a den of iniquity and sin,” one digger who preferred we not use his name, told TMB. “Who wouldn’t want some of that action?” A pasty-faced 14-year old who spends 18-hours a day digging admitted to a similar motivation....
Mideast Peace Impossible Because All Sides Have Different Love Languages
A new academic study has suggested that Middle East conflicts may never come to an end because the warring sides all have incompatible love languages. “The primary Palestinian love language is physical touch, you see, whereas Israel’s is receiving gifts. This has caused all sorts of problems”, the author of the ground-breaking study writes. “In recent years, Palestinians have really loved exacting the physical touch aspect on Israel, with numerous young Palestinians stabbing and assaulting Israelis. Because physical touch isn’t...
Saudi Arabia Applauds Decision to Remove Wonder Woman As UN Ambassador For Female Empowerment
Saudi Arabia’s representative to the UN Human Rights Council has made a statement applauding the decision of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon to not renew Wonder Woman’s status as the ambassador for female empowerment. The Saudi’s objections to Wonder Woman echoed complaints of many feminists that she was a culturally insensitive and overtly sexualized character with “a shimmery, thigh-baring bodysuit with an American flag motif, knee-high boots”, and small albeit perfect, breasts. The Saudi Representative also added that Wonder Woman...
Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...
DJ Khaled Presents One-State Solution to Israel-Palestine Conflict: ‘WeTheBest-istan’
Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a single state called ‘WeTheBesti-istan’, with Khaled as President for Life and Jewish reggae superstar Matisyahu as Vice-President for Life. Khaled,...
White House Confirms First Thanksgiving Saudi Prince Pardon
The White House today announced the start of a new tradition for this holiday season with Sarah Sanders stating, “President Trump knows that the American people elected him to transform this country, and what better place to continue that journey than by vastly improving our traditions. So, starting this holiday he will be picking one member of the Saudi Royal Family to receive a very special gift: a full Presidential pardon, for any crimes they may, or we must stress very...
Hamas Files Suit Against Margaret Atwood
HOLLYWOOD: Hamas lawyers have filed a suit in Los Angeles Supreme Court against author Margaret Atwood, and the producers of the TV series based on her novel “The Handmaid’s Tale” “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a dystopian story of a fanatical religious patriarchal authoritarian regime which is homophobic and misogynistic. “This is clear cultural appropriation”, according to Hamas spokesman Mahmud Ofyassir. “Gilead is just Gaza with American accents”, he said. In her defense, Ms Atwood pointed out that her novel was...
Prophet Muhammad Disappointed to Find So Few Statues and Paintings of Himself
The Prophet Muhammad admitted today that he was a bit disappointed to find that, 1,400 years after creating what he believed to be the perfect society in modern-day Saudi Arabia, the world seemingly has largely forgotten about him. “I realize a millennium and a half is a long time, but I expected to find at least an occasional painting or sculpture of myself,” Muhammad told The Mideast Beast. “I see paintings of the Prophet Isa [Jesus] all over the place, and...
Jewish, Arab Colleagues Endure Middle East Questions from Co-Workers
Yoni Hertzelshtein and Yusuf Habibi, have yet again had their morning cigarette break interrupted by a colleague wanting to understand ‘all that crazy stuff happening over there’. The pair, who work in the marketing department for Tampon manufacturer Kimberly-Clark, explained this is not a unique occurrence. “When things are really kicking off we can expect inane questions at any time of the day. We can start off a meeting talking about how we plan to promote our newest heavy-flow super-absorbent...