Culture

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Mideast Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on our research, we must conclude...

Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments
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Man Changes Position on Israeli-Palestinian Conflict after Reading Facebook Comments

Former Zionist, Josh Liebowitzstein shocked family and friends this week when he announced that he’s changing his position on Israel. The decision came after reading several Facebook comments on an otherwise innocuous post about startups in Tel Aviv. The Mideast Beast caught up with Mr Liebowitzstein to elaborate on the decision. “Social media is a great place to start a conversation...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers
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Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind...

Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’
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Trump: ‘I am the Second Coming of Christ’

President Donald Trump recently said that God had spoken to him in a dream and indicated that he had sent the novel Coronavirus for Trump to “prove himself”. “…And then came a Plague, a tremendous Plague, and the World was never to be the same again! But America rose from this death and destruction, always remembering its many dead, and...

Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately
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Assad: Biden Smelled My Hair and Touched Me Inappropriately

Syrian President Bashar Assad has accused Joe Biden of “smelling my hair and touching me inappropriately.” The explosive story comes at a time when many Americans are having second thoughts about Biden’s eligibility as America’s next President. A devastated Assad spoke to The Mideast Beast from The Institute for Traumatized Despots in the Levant. “One day during my studies in...

New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners
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New York’s Mayor Personally Breaks Apart Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Family Dinners

New York’s mayor Bill de Blasio will begin personally breaking apart ultra-orthodox Jewish family meals in densely populated pockets of Brooklyn. The mayor made his announcement on Twitter Wednesday. The policy is de Blasio’s latest act in Covid-19 inspired anti-semitism. The mayor will rotate through religious Jewish neighborhoods every day in order to bring a halt to meals. The mayor’s...

Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown
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Hollywood: People Should Take Annual Week in Quarantine to Commemorate “Scary and Unsettling” Mansion Lockdown

Celebrities on coronavirus lockdown are proposing that the world “take a week of quarantine” every year to commemorate the “scary and unsettling” time they went through and the unique insights it has given them. “I think that everyone should take a week of quarantine every year just to remember this time,” said British actor Idris Elba, who said he and...

Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover
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Trump Allows Jews to Resume Eating Bread After Passover

In a series of early morning tweets, President Donald Trump gave Jews permission to eat bread post-Passover. The announcement came days after he gave American governors the authority to decide when to open up their states. “I hope you go eat bagels, your people make some great bagels, and charge very nicely for it. Always know how to charge a...

Global Yeast Shortage Prevents Christ from Rising
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Global Yeast Shortage Prevents Christ from Rising

Normally, Christians learn how Jesus was covered, rested, and chilled in a cave for three days in order to emerge fully risen, and ready to be turned into wafers every Sunday. However, this year won’t have a normal Easter. Despite efforts from the church to cover it up for years, it is apparent that God is not the only rising...

‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
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‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining

An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Wednesday on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating all...

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Will Skip Over the Plagues This Passover

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Will Skip Over the Plagues This Passover

A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families are choosing to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the ten plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of...

Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land
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Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land

In a strongly worded official statement in Yiddish to the leaders of ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, Messiah’s Press Office Spokeswoman announced, “Messiah has decided to place the Holy Land in an unholy quarantine and has cancelled all redemptive arrivals before the year 7255.” The harsh statement from Heaven comes after some ultra-Orthodox Jews have violated corona-related social distancing rules in Israel...

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine
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Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact...

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone
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Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed little concerns for the needs...

Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe
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Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe

Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish....

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects
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PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations....