In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been to Tel Aviv and let...
In yet another blow to the Jewish People, UNESCO has declared Katz’s Delicatessen, a well-known Jewish, kosher-style establishment, a Palestinian world heritage site. “Al-Delicatessen al-Katz is as integral to Islamic history as Mecca, Medina and South Florida,” the resolution states. “Unfortunately, this landmark is threatened by the Zionist De Blasio occupation regime.” The resolution is the latest in a series...
CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male...
Calling the Kingdom a “beacon of tolerance and progressive values,” a column in The New York Times praised Saudi Arabia for winning the “space race for equality” by refusing to put a straight white male on the moon. “While Americans were busy spreading white supremacy by sending cis-gendered straight white men into space, one after another, Saudi leadership refused to...
In the most extensive comments on his nuclear ambitions to date, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un said he needs an extensive weapons program because women refuse to take him seriously on dating sites due to his height. In a heated exchange with US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Kim was told that is not acceptable to continue developing his...
Saying he was furious over criticism that his site had contributed to the spread of fake news leading up to, and continuing after, the November 8, 2016 U.S. presidential election, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced that he will be moving to Syria and joining ISIS. “The claim that Facebook is awash with false and misleading news is completely unfounded,” Zuckerberg...
The question of what constitutes an offensive remark about minority groups continues to plague us in somewhat the same way Miley Cyrus’ twerking most often results in involuntary vomiting. Muslims are often cited as being among the most easily offended people, in what has become a close race with hipsters, old-timey Southern women who say, “well, I never!” and Donald Trump...
A group of white, middle-class Brooklynite liberals is trying to shut down all falafel shops in New York City, as “allowing Arab food to be sold outside of the Middle East is essentially cultural appropriation.” Inspired by a movement in Oregon, which is shaming ethnic-food establishments run by white people in the Portland area, the Brooklynites explained their more severe...
Following a fierce backlash against social media personality Kylie Jenner for her controversially themed Handmaid’s Tale party, an unsuspecting defender has come to her cause. Iran’s Supreme Leader has backed the party and its socialite host as “a rare example of a Western party which professes conservative Sharia values”. A spokesperson for the Islamic Republic’s highest office holder commented further,...
Just days after ground was broken in the new Golan Heights settlement, Trump Heights announced that it had no choice but to officially declare bankruptcy after billions of shekels of debt was discovered on its balance sheet. The move shocked auditors, who noted that the only construction to take place so far was a groundbreaking ceremony for a commemorative plaque....
Speaking before a packed United Nations General Assembly, rapper-producer DJ Khaled has pitched a bold plan for resolving one of the world’s most intractable conflicts: the creation of a binational state in the Holy Land, with hip hop as its only religion. According to the Snapchat superpower’s peace proposal, Israel, the West Bank and Gaza Strip would be united as a...
After thousands of years of writer’s block, The Almighty One in Heaven has finally announced the production of an additional book to the Five Books of Moses. “It took me a while to think of an idea that was good enough to continue the story,” proclaimed The Lord. “I set up a really great foundation in the last Five Books,...
In an effort to create a safe space for Palestinians and anti-Zionists, organizers of the Dyke March announced that people with long or hook-shaped noses will be banned from next year’s event. The march courted controversy this year when it banned pride flags with the Star of David and other Jewish symbols in a move it said marked solidarity with Palestinian...
Accusing the nation of engaging in “apartheid against foreign musicians,” Icelandic techno group Hatari filed charges against Israel for crimes against humanity after being served tasteless falafel during its trip for Eurovision. “While I know that the Middle East has seen injustice and suffering, nothing can compare to the pain of expecting the best falafel I’ve ever tasted and instead...
As Eurovision kicks off in Tel Aviv, the event’s PR team has launched a new campaign urging audiences to purchase the remaining tickets to the music competition, touting it as the “Gay Occupation of Tel Aviv.” The campaign is a last-minute attempt to draw in foreign audiences to the event which has not yet sold out, due in part to...
Amid fears that anti-Semitism is beginning to rear its ugly head on the once fertile, Jew-hating soil of Europe, an exodus off the continent has begun. Jews are starting to treat Europe like a bagel shop that ran out of lox, with more and more leaving every year. Many theories have been put forward as to why this migration is...
In another courageous protest against the occupation less than a year ago, a third group of Jewish activists has left its free Birthright trip to take a stand against the lack of hot Israeli soldiers on their tour bus. “We came to Israel on Birthright to get a complete and accurate picture of our ancestral homeland by having sex with muscular,...
Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest...
Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who...
Following the example of Ted Cruz – conservative US Senator and man that attempted to pass legislation that would ban jerking off – many teenage boys from Saudi Arabia have attempted to blame their inadvertent clicks on porn pics on Twitter and adult websites on household staff. Senator Cruz’s twitter account appeared to favorite a pornography account last year, but...
