Culture

Global Yeast Shortage Prevents Christ from Rising
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Global Yeast Shortage Prevents Christ from Rising

Normally, Christians learn how Jesus was covered, rested, and chilled in a cave for three days in order to emerge fully risen, and ready to be turned into wafers every Sunday. However, this year won’t have a normal Easter. Despite efforts from the church to cover it up for years, it is apparent that God is not the only rising...

‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining
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‘An Appropriation of Gazan Culture,’ Leftists Boycott Quarantining

An intersectional coalition of leftists’ movements in the US has announced they will stop social distancing because it is a “colonialist, imperialist, abusive, and extractive appropriation of the culture of the people of Gaza.” The call to action was announced Wednesday on social media. The unnecessarily long post explained that social isolation is an ancient practice in Gaza, dating all...

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Will Skip Over the Plagues This Passover

Study Finds 80% of Jewish Seders Will Skip Over the Plagues This Passover

A study released this week from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem found that 80% of Jewish families are choosing to skip the plague section of the Passover Seder this year due to “plague overkill”. Despite the listing of the ten plagues being one of the most important parts of the Passover Seder ritual, the study found that eight out of...

Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land
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Messiah Cancels Redemptive Arrivals to Holy Land

In a strongly worded official statement in Yiddish to the leaders of ultra-Orthodox Jewish communities, Messiah’s Press Office Spokeswoman announced, “Messiah has decided to place the Holy Land in an unholy quarantine and has cancelled all redemptive arrivals before the year 7255.” The harsh statement from Heaven comes after some ultra-Orthodox Jews have violated corona-related social distancing rules in Israel...

Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine
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Worried Feminist Taliban Put Harems in Quarantine

The health-concerned feminist Taliban have placed Afghani harems in indefinite quarantine. The dramatic development comes as the coronavirus has wreaked havoc on Afghanistan’s once booming Jihad Trade Exchange and closed the country’s world-famous beaches to opium-seeking California dreaming surfers. Taliban leader Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar told The Mideast Beast how it feels to be in self-imposed quarantine in a compact...

Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone
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Yemen Saves the Day: There Will Be Enough Khat for Everyone

Yemen, the poorest country in the Middle East, is expecting a sudden economic boom after the Netherlands announced that it was closing down its marijuana “coffee shops” in an attempt to contain the spread of coronavirus. Panicked Dutch people immediately queued up to buy weed, but most of them went home empty-handed as buyers showed little concerns for the needs...

Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe
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Disney World to Move to Syria after Florida Considered Unsafe

Disney World is deciding whether to relocate from Florida to Syria after a sinking accident involving Disney World’s popular Jungle Cruise boat. The recently appointed and highly experienced Security Chief of Disney World, Dick Grenell, spoke to The Mideast Beast. “Unfortunately, Florida has become too dangerous for our visitors. It is infested with man-eating alligators and I don’t speak Spanglish....

PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects
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PLO Movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ Wins Oscar for Best Fake News Special Effects

The PLO movie ‘European-cheered Parasite’ shocked the movie industry by winning the Oscar for “Best Fake News Special Effects.” CNN, which was involved in the PLO movie project, won the Oscar for “Best Supporting Actor.” An impressed Steven Spielberg told The Mideast Beast: “I’ve done ‘Jaws’ and ‘Indiana Jones’ but nobody beats PLO in staging massacres and faking ancient civilizations....

Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport
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Bernie Sanders Celebrates World Hijab Day, Detained at JFK Airport

Seeking to boost his progressive pre-election credentials, a Hijab-clad Bernie Sanders was accidentally detained at JFK airport on World Hijab Day. JFK’s security manager told The Mideast Beast, “We mistakenly believed that Mr. Sanders was an activated female Jihad terrorist from a Cuban terrorist cell. We heard something ticking suspiciously inside his socialist hijab.” A fuming Sanders told The Mideast...

Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles
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Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles

President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA,...

Russia to change Christmas to May
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Russia to change Christmas to May

The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriarch Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump used his recent visit to Afghanistan to order US Army commanders to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry...

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
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Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented,...

Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
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Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an...

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms
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Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy...

Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel
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Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel

Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall and Israel’s Holocaust memorial, Yad...

Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March
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Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March

In its latest effort to mitigate accusations of anti-Semitism, the Women’s March has named Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Bin Mohamad, who has called Jews hook-nosed and said that he is proud to be called anti-Semitic, as its new board chairman. The Malaysian prime minister replaced Samia Assed, who was revealed to have posted anti-Semitic tweets. Assed herself had replaced Zahroo...