Culture

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Eurovision Boycott Demanded by Music Lovers

Lovers of good music have flocked to the BDS demand to boycott the Eurovision final planned for Tel Aviv this year. One critic confirmed, “We don’t have any particular view on the complexities of a two-state solution or the future of the Golan Heights. However, I think we can all get on board with the idea that the Eurovision contest is an affront to all lovers of good music and taste. In all that’s holy, does anyone really think that...

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi Government Torn Over Whether to Let Caitlyn Jenner Drive

Saudi officials have held a series of emergency meetings over the past month, as the government has struggled over whether former Olympian and reality TV star Caitlyn Jenner, who was born a man but revealed that she identified as a woman, would be allowed to drive or appear unveiled in public if she ever visits the Kingdom. “Allah decides who is a man and who is a woman, and Bruce Jenner cannot change the will of Allah, so he is...

Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter

Horny Saudi Teens Blame Staffers for “Liking” Porn on Twitter

Following the example of Ted Cruz – conservative US Senator and man that attempted to pass legislation that would ban jerking off – many teenage boys from Saudi Arabia have attempted to blame their inadvertent clicks on porn pics on Twitter and adult websites on household staff. Senator Cruz’s twitter account appeared to favorite a pornography account last year, but the blame has since been shifted onto his staffers. “This excuse is the first good thing to come out of...

Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”

Hamas Reminds Confused Israelis: “Summer Doesn’t Begin Until First ‘Summer Missile’ is Fired”

“It’s hot, and then cold, and then hot again!” exclaims Yosi Kahn, a storeowner whose business is centrally located in Tel Aviv. “We’re getting frustrated over here.”  Yosi isn’t the only citizen in the Middle East confused by the weather lately. While historical climate data mostly shows warm, yet mild temperatures throughout the region at this time of year, this spring has shown Israelis a mix of warmth, and simply unacceptable rain. Climate Data however is a thing of the...

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Scientists Confirm Jesus Christ’s Blood Type Was A Rich, Full-Bodied Cabernet Sauvignon

Following years of research, a team of scientists and doctors made an announcement today that adds new layers to a millennia-old belief system. Like famed rocker Elvis Presley, Jesus Christ gained some measure of fame before dying suddenly, and also like Elvis, people maintain that he is yet among us. Innumerable people have dedicated their lives to the pursuit of gaining further insight into Jesus’ life and personal details. Today, Jesus fans (called, “Christians”) got a surprise dose of medical...

Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover

Jewish Conspirators Promise to Cut down on Number of Children Killed to Bake Their Matza This Passover

The Jewish conspirators who control the media, banks, Hollywood, the lizard people and the whole entire world have issued a surprise statement declaring that they will be dramatically reducing the number of children killed while baking matza this Passover. “This Passover, we’re making a concerted effort to kill fewer children in order to harvest their blood for matza baking”, Elders of Zion spokesman Israel Goldstein said. “Like, this is the 21stcentury. It’s just such a barbaric practice that’s simply unsuitable...

Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Middle East Archeologists Reveal Ancient People Were Just as Likely to be Assholes as Moderns

Through a careful study of ancient writings, a team of archaeologists today revealed that ancient peoples were just as likely to be assholes as your asshole neighbor, your asshole boss, or just about any asshole you meet in daily life. “We were quite surprised by our findings,” explained team leader, Stockholm University professor Dr. Tot L. Prik.  “Based on our research, we must conclude that assholes have always walked among us.” He went on to describe the clay tablets his team examined, sone of which...

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

ISIS Members Shave Beards After Seeing How Stupid Assange Looks

ISIS Members Shave Beards After Seeing How Stupid Assange Looks

In a dramatic reversal, the Islamic State has banned long, unkempt beards after ISIS leaders saw just how stupid an unshaven Julian Assange looked during his arrest. Fighters will now be required to be clean-shaven or at most keep short, neatly-trimmed facial hair. Officially, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi cited a recently-discovered hadith, or saying of Prophet Muhammad, in announcing the change. But senior ISIS leaders, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Mideast Beast that the decision was...

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

Middle East Outraged at Brunei Anti-Gay Legislation for “Stealing Their Thunder”

When Brunei announced strict anti-gay legislation, which would have homosexual acts (not to mention adultery) punishable by stoning to death, Middle Eastern nations expressed outrage that they were being “out-medievaled” by an obscure little south-east Asian kingdom. “Being totally medieval about homosexuality and various other progressive causes has been our brand for centuries. We made anti-gay laws what they are today”, said one spokesperson for the Saudi Arabian government. “Now all of a sudden ‘Little Brunei’ announces they’re in on...

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists Worldwide Overjoyed That “You Can Hate Pretty Much Everyone” Following Former London Mayor Remarks

Extremists and terror groups worldwide ranging from ISIS and al-Qaeda to the IRA and Israel’s Kahanists have been celebrating following former Mayor of London and prominent ex-Labour party politician Ken Livingstone’s remark that “it’s not anti-Semitic to hate the Jews of Israel”. The groups are overjoyed that “you can hate pretty much everyone now” and are publishing a new guidebook to racism in honour of the outspoken Jeremy Corbyn ally. “It’s simply the best thing that’s happened since slavery”, one...

God Sends Jews ‘Past Due’ Notice for Torah

God Sends Jews ‘Past Due’ Notice for Torah

The Jewish world reacted with surprise and disappointment today as Israel’s Chief Rabbis held a rare press conference to explain that they had recently received a 3,000 year past due notice from God, demanding the return of the Torah. “The notice wasn’t a complete surprise,” explained one Chief Rabbi, Sucha Schmedrick. “I’ve been dodging the Almighty’s calls for a couple of months now.” Another Chief Rabbi, Alfasi Alfasi, was asked if he knew why this request had come now after so many...

Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”

Waqf Insists That Palestinian Temple Mount Rioters Are Just In “Purim Fancy Dress”

The Jordanian Waqf, the Islamic body that administers Jerusalem’s Temple Mount complex, has insisted that the balaclava-donning Palestinian youths armed with rocks and Molotov cocktails gathering at the site are simply engaging in “harmless Purim fancy dress”. In anticipation of another crackdown in Muslim areas of the Old City by the Israeli Army, the Waqf has sought to downplay reports that groups of young Palestinians are once again seeking to cause bedlam by hurling rocks and bombs at Israeli soldiers....

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

ISIS, White Supremacists Announce Merger to Form Mega-Terror Group

In a move that will create a virtual monopoly on the terror industry, the radical Islamist group ISIS has agreed to merge with the worldwide white supremacist movement. The merger was announced in a joint press conference between ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and Richard Spencer, the president of the National Policy Institute. “Frankly, there were a lot of obstacles to getting this deal done,” Spencer told reporters. “Namely, we hate Arabs and Muslims, and they hate whites and infidels.”...

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian Leadership: “Just Be Unhappy Like All Other Damn Western Couples”

Iranian religious leadership has reaffirmed their strong stance that marriage is something that should be endured until either the sweet release of death, or failing that a damn good divorce lawyer. “We won’t stand for all this happiness and displays of affection around this sacred bond,” remarked a spokesman for the religious police. “Why can’t they be miserable like my second cousin and his wife in Baltimore? He spends his days fantasizing about the new intern in Accounts, and she...

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

BDS Announces Boycott of the Palestinian Authority, Citing “Close Economic Ties With Israel”

In a surprising turn of events, organizers of the BDS movement (Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions) have announced that the internationally recognized political representative of the Palestinians – the Palestinian Authority (PA) – will become a target of their activities. The BDS movement, originally a place where anti-Semites could hide behind a more civil banner, is dedicated to convincing people, governments, and corporations that Israel is worth thinking about in their spare time. Though with the attempt at boycotting Matisyahu (a...

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Graphic Design Graduate Beginning to Regret ISIS Internship

Following the most recent beheading of a colleague, graphic design graduate Mark Davis began to regret taking the internship with Al-Hayat media, which he had applied to during his final semester. “The job market is really tight for recent grads, you know? So I saw the opportunity with ISIS and I had to jump on it,” said Davis in an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast. “I won’t lie, I got really great experience working in post-production, so I can’t...

Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield

Insecure Gazan Man Furious at Hamas for Not Choosing Him as Human Shield

GAZA CITY – 56-year-old Palestinian Rafah Saleem al-Fayoumi stared forlornly at the funeral procession for his neighbor Hasan’s children, thinking to himself, “Why did Hamas leaders choose Hasan’s kids to be human shields against the evil Zionists instead of mine? Am I not good enough?” Turning to a sympathetic BBC reporter, al-Fayoumi then poured out his feelings: “Why is the blood of Hasan’s children somehow better than the blood of mine? It’s so unjust – Hasan’s family gets everything! Last week Hamas...

Following Brexit Vote, UK Considers Joining Middle East

Following Brexit Vote, UK Considers Joining Middle East

With Britain looking for a new home after narrowly voting to leave the EU, the Brits are reportedly considering joining the Middle East. “Things didn’t work out with Europe, but it’s time we get back out there on the market,” former London mayor and leading Brexiter Boris Johnson told The Mideast Beast. “The Middle East has some great things to offer; it’s got warm weather, historical sites, people with real tans, a touch of our own imperial legacy, and a little...

Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters

Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters

Winner of the sexiest nation (Middle East and North Africa Division) for three years running, Israel, has expressed concerned at the quality of international chicks willing to ‘stand by it’. Chatting with The Mideast Beast in an exclusive heart to heart, the Zionist hunk was unrepentant. “Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the support, it’s just that I have certain standards and a reputation to uphold. I mean have you been down the Tel Aviv beachfront on a Friday...