Culture

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

Palestine to Legalize Weed, Become the “Occupied Holland of the Mideast”

RAMALLAH – While smoking a joint decorated in the colors of his nation’s flag, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his country will become the first in the Middle East to allow the production, sale and consumption of cannabis. Explaining his surprising decision, Abbas said: “With the tax revenue and skyrocketing export income, we’ll bulldoze the West Bank’s refugee camps and build their long-suffering residents houses that put the red-roofed faux villas of the settlers to shame. We’ll...

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

Western Media Confused After Discovering Israel Not Involved in Most Middle East Conflicts

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL — Due to escalating tensions in Middle Eastern countries, arriving Western journalists were shocked to discover that the Middle East has a ton of conflicts, and very few are even remotely related to Israel. “I always write about the ‘Middle Eastern’ conflict being Israelis vs. Palestinians, but it turns out, the Middle East is a huge, complex, messed up region,” a BBC journalist exclaimed. “Who knew?” Despite heavy media attention on Israel, a deeper analysis has uncovered that the...

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

In Disputed Vote, Erdogan Wins ‘American Idol’

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again claimed victory at the polls, this time declaring himself winner of the 2018 American Idol competition. “I am humbled and gratified that the voters of this competition have chosen to reward me for my talents,” Erdogan said at a rally in Ankara, the Turkish capital. “This is a win for Turkey and a blow to its terrorist and Zionist enemies.” His announcement came two weeks after the Turkish leader claimed victory for...

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Uncovered: Iranian General Self-Publishes Weather-Themed Anthology of Poetry

Allowing the world to glimpse his sensitive side, General Gholam Reza Jalali debuted his book of poetry to a select group of Mullahs and Washington DC city council members on Monday. “In his welcoming he said, “For too long the Zionists have had a lock on literature. Philip Roth, Saul Bellow, that Anne Frank chick. Well now everyone can hear about my existential crisis.” The collection, entitled ‘First They Came for the Clouds’, owes its title to its first piece, which...

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Facebook Weighing Ban on Anything Related to Israel-Palestine Conflict

Citing server problems and widespread user ignorance, Facebook Tsar Mark Zuckerberg is reportedly contemplating a ‘total ban’ on anything related to the polarizing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict. “Look, I’m a billionaire genius and I didn’t build this social media platform for Israelis and Palestinians to post as if they’re all suffering from OCD, and certainly not for a bunch of white people outside the region who don’t know jack shit about the conflict apart from what they see on ‘nonpartisan’ news or Wikipedia,”...

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

Jawa Planning on Visiting French Beach Finds Out He’s Shit Out of Luck

TATOOINE — In what has to be the saddest thing to happen on Tatooine since we saw the scorched skeletons of Uncle Owen and Aunt Shmi, a young Jawa’s dreams were crushed this week. The teenage scavenger, like many vacationers his age, had hoped to visit the famed beaches of France in order to meet chicks.  But dreams are easily crushed.  As news that French officials forced a Burkini clad women to undress at the beach spread throughout the galaxy,...

After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway

After Setbacks in Iraq and Syria, ISIS Sets Sights on Broadway

Following a series of military losses, the Islamic State is trying its hand at musical theater. “The Soldiers of Allah are excited to present ISIS: The Musical, coming soon to Broadway,” reads the marquee atop the Issac Schlossburg Theater. The show, currently in previews at Hartford Stage, is billed as a riotous, raunchy peak at life in the Caliphate. “We wanted to take ISIS in a new direction,” said the show’s music director Mohammad Al-Anmenken. “A lot of people were...

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

ISIS Leader Commits Suicide After Trying to Recruit Two Millennials

Mohammad al-Adnani, the official spokesman of ISIS and one of its most senior members, has died in Syria, reportedly as a result of an online Facebook exchange. “Brother al-Adani suffered a nervous breakdown after trying to recruit a couple of students from Portland, Oregon. Whilst promoting Jihad, his message was drowned out by the snotty little gamers who spend their days throwing a Frisbee, dressing like Superman and singing along to carpool Karaoke. After enduring six hours of whining about...

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Hundreds of Heterosexuals Executed During Tel Aviv’s Gay Pride Week

Unbeknownst to many, hundreds of straight men and women were executed in Tel Aviv during today’s annual Gay Pride Week. One of the most persecuted groups in the Middle East, Tel Aviv heterosexuals live in the shadows year round, as heterosexual relations are banned under the city’s strict “Cher-ia Law.” But during Gay Pride Week, being openly straight in the city is a near death sentence, as heterosexuals are thrown from rooftops, stoned to death or forced to watch season two of...

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

Following Today’s Pride Parade, Gays Now Majority in Tel Aviv

It’s official. Tel Aviv, one of the most liberal cities in the world, and hands down the most gay-friendly city in the Middle East and one of the most gay-friendly cities in the entire world, now contains a majority of gay citizens. At a press conference, TLV-Gay leader Yossi Dingle said, “It’s true that we’ve made huge strides in bringing about more gay rights and we’ve always been strong and hard in our thrusts in aiming for those rights, always standing erect with pride and never...

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities Confusing Homosexuals With ISIS

Egyptian Authorities admit that they find it difficult to tell the difference between gay men and ISIS members. One puzzled Egyptian Border guard said, “it’s harder to tell the difference than you might think. We were responding to reports of a bunch of men infiltrating our country via the Nile. It didn’t seem unreasonable to think they might have floated around from the coast of Syria, as those Zionists are notoriously relaxed about such activities.” “When we arrived on the scene we...

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Man Who Designed ISIS Flag Finally Fired for Shitty Circle Drawing

Walid al-Mukdasan, the man hired by ISIS to design and produce their flags, has been let go by the terror group in a move which many of the designer’s longstanding critics say is “better late than never.” Pressure has long mounted on the group’s leadership to fire al-Mukdasan who designed the notorious flag constituting the shahada and the so-called Seal of Mohammed. “I mean, have you seen that thing”, one prominent critic commented. “it’s an absolute joke. You call that...

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Debate Over Jew-Slaughtering Held in Gaza

Officials from Hamas are meeting later this week to discuss the finer points of slaughtering Jews. Representatives from the political and military branches, as well as religious authorities, are debating the possibility of implementing Halal butchering methods when stabbing Jews, whether male or female. In a speech, Mahmoud al-Bashiri, a Hamas leader explained, “We must consider adopting Halal methods when we finally slaughter all the Jews. It is widely accepted that the Jews are animals and thus we must take...

Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice

Fulbright Scholars Visit Palestine’s New Museum of Human Sacrifice

With a crop of International Studies majors in the audience, Former Prime Minister of the State of Palestine, Ismail Haniyeh, announced the opening and dedication of a museum on human sacrifice.  “For years I have campaigned on the principle that we as Palestinians are a people who value death, just like our enemies in Israel value life,” Mr. Haniyeh announced, standing in front of a museum adorn with a skull and crossbones.  “This museum will redouble our people’s commitment to value...

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

Amidst ‘Thoughts and Prayers’, NRA Recommends Anti Exit-Door Campaign

The tragic high school shooting in Santa Fe, Texas has pushed the NRA to its emotional brink. The rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness apparently do not apply to the nearly 50 million students in American public schools, but the obscure and outdated second amendment right remains unscathed. “It’s time something is done. Our years of thoughts and prayers have proven to be mere wastes of time, as they have not been coupled with action,” spokesperson Dana...

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

‘And I’m Still Pissed About that Shoe,’ Japanese PM Tells Israel

With the international community up in arms over the death count in Gaza, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has issued a statement reminding Israel that he has not forgiven its leader for serving dessert in a shoe during a state dinner. “It is distasteful in our culture to wear shoes in the house, and to place one on the dinner table is simply appalling,” Abe said during a UN debate over Israel’s use of force against Palestinians trying to breach...

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

DJ Khaled’s Anti-Oral Statement Really Confuses Feminists

A recently resurfaced interview from 2015 with hip-hop mogul DJ Khaled has sent shockwaves through the feminist community, particularly with organizers of the Women’s March who are convinced that all Arab men honor and respect their wives. Khaled, still not entirely sure why reciprocity in a relationship means performing oral sex, stands by his statement that “there are different rules for men”. His lack of actual talent did not deter the DJ from making comments on how women should, or should...

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

Study: 87% of Online Commenters About Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Hold Master’s Degrees in Middle Eastern Studies

According to the results of a study conducted by one prestigious American community college, over 87% of comments made on various internet forums about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were written by people who had completed master’s degrees in the field of middle eastern studies, or in a comparable field. The study, which was carried out by researchers over a five-year period, finally explains why most comments online about the issue are so intelligent and thoroughly researched. According to Emeritus Professor Susie...

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Korean Leaders to Give Hand Holding Lessons to Trump and Melania

Last week’s denuclearization talks between North and South Korea went astonishingly well – so well in fact, the duo is offering hand holding-lessons to the US President and First Lady.   “Donald cannot just grab her by the hand,” said Kim with Moon nodding in agreement. “Melania should not want to defect from the marriage. Trump needs to read the potentially volatile situation and act on it accordingly.”   The suggestion for the troubled couple is backed up by the UN...

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Trump to Outfit US Military With Yeezys

Following Kanye West’s most recent public psychotic break on Twitter, President Trump is invoking his authority as commander-in-chief to make a difference in urban America. In an unprecedented consensus across all branches, the US will effectively replace all military-issued footgear with Yeezys.  West, apparently under the influence of his ex-step-father-turned-ex-step-mother-in-law Caitlyn Jenner, raged a hailstorm of tweets praising the President and asserting his autonomous right to free thought. The sudden support by West has rocked Black America’s political opinion, especially...