Culture

Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles
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Trump Threatens to Target Persian Square in Los Angeles

President Donald Trump said he has added domestic Iranian cultural sites, including Los Angeles’s “Little Persia,” to its list of potential targets in the event of an Iranian attack. “This is a WARNING! If Iran strikes America, we will bomb anything Iranian that we can find!” Trump tweeted Sunday morning. “We will start by wiping out Persian Square in LA,...

Russia to change Christmas to May
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Russia to change Christmas to May

The Russian Orthodox Church announced this week that it was evaluating a proposal to move the date of Christmas from 7 January to 15 May. Officials cited increased issues with access to holy sites in the Middle East around the December/January time frame. In a statement from Patriarch Kirill’s office the church stated, “we will be undertaking a consultation with...

Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving
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Trump Redeploying Troops from Afghanistan to Fight War on Thanksgiving

It has been confirmed that President Trump used his recent visit to Afghanistan to order US Army commanders to prepare for a pivot from fighting terrorism to battling Thanksgiving haters. A spokesman for the White House commented, “Since our success in using Special Forces to fight the War on Christmas, which as we all know ended with a massive ‘Merry...

Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran
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Trump Jr. Next Book a Study of the Koran

Following the overwhelming success of his first book Triggered, Donald Trump Jr., the Trump kid voted most likely to have a dead stripper in the trunk of his Lincoln Town Car three years in a row, has announced that his next project will be a detailed analysis of the Koran and its meaning in the modern world. A spokesman commented,...

Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween
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Netanyahu Advised to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an...

Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms
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Dems Support Syria Withdrawal After Learning Kurds Have Gendered Restrooms

In a dramatic reversal, leading Democrats are now supporting President Donald Trump’s sudden withdrawal from Syria’s Kurdish regions after it was revealed that the Kurdish government does not require businesses to operate gender-neutral bathrooms. Trump’s decision to pull troops and allow Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan to invade the region had prompted bipartisan outrage, particularly after reports emerged of heavy...

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

The U.N. To Officially Recognize Judaism’s Crappiest Holiday

When most people hear the word “holiday,” they think of happy times, time off from work, relaxation, maybe even a vacation, or, what we at The Mideast Beast like to call “the four F’s.”  Fun, food, f**king, friends, and family.  What most people don’t think of is the stern introspection in a synagogue while surrounded by a sea of murmuring, unshowered...

Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel
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Demi Lovato Apologizes, Had No Idea Jews Lived in Israel

Following backlash, singer Demi Lovato has profusely apologized for her recent concert in and praise of Israel, insisting she had no idea that the people who treated her so well on the trip were in fact Jews. Lovato spent her time in the country, which she billed as a spiritual journey, visiting the Western Wall and Israel’s Holocaust memorial, Yad...

Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March
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Malaysian Prime Minister Named Chair of Women’s March

In its latest effort to mitigate accusations of anti-Semitism, the Women’s March has named Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Bin Mohamad, who has called Jews hook-nosed and said that he is proud to be called anti-Semitic, as its new board chairman. The Malaysian prime minister replaced Samia Assed, who was revealed to have posted anti-Semitic tweets. Assed herself had replaced Zahroo...

ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels
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ISIS to Start Selling Fruit-Flavored Vapes to Infidels

Following the recent United States crackdown on sweet nicotine nectar, ISIS has come to the realization that their old methods of bombings, shootings, and public melon-slicing, are simply not as destructive or effective as they used to be. In the past week ISIS members have been seen collecting all guns from the hands of their fighters and replacing them with...

Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn
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Assad Debuts Pumpkin Spice Poison Gas for Autumn

Looking to add a seasonal flavor to his war crimes, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will begin using pumpkin spice poison gas after Labor Day. “As a gift to the Syrian people, civilians hit with sarin, chlorine, sulfur and mustard gas this fall will detect a hint of sweet pumpkin,” Assad said in a public statement. “What better...

Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols
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Jewish and Arab Extremists Bond Over Destruction of Coexistence Symbols

As tensions in Israel continue to grow, an unlikely bond has developed between Jewish and Arab extremists as they’ve come together to vandalize and destroy Israel’s symbols of coexistence. “It all started one night when I saw a bunch of Jews spray painting ‘Death To Arabs’ on a building,” Mohammed Ayyad, an Arab extremist said. “At first I thought it...

Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban
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Mike Pence Reconsiders Position on Palestine after Gay-Ban

In the wake the Palestinian Authority’s (PA) decision to ban LGBTQ activities in the West Bank, Vice President Mike Pence has announced the Trump administration is rethinking its pro-Israel position. “For the longest time, I thought the Palestinians were just some god-forsaken, backwater savages! But after this, I think we’ve got to reconsider. I’ve been to Tel Aviv and let...

Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another
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Israel and Palestine Accused of Misgendering One Another

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict has escalated to new heights with each side accusing the other of misgendering. In a statement released by the Office of the Prime Minister for-Life, Benjamin Netanyahu explained, “We used to be called Palestine, but on the inside, we’ve always been Israel. And so, in 1948 we transitioned. Israel is our gender, which exists on a wide...

Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria
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Americans Escaping Gun Violence Flee to Iraq and Syria

Saying he could no longer stand by while a humanitarian crisis unfolded a mere 6,000 miles away, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has opened his doors to millions of Americans fleeing out-of-control gun violence in their country. “While our nation has its own struggles and absorbing tens of millions of Americans will not be an easy task, we cannot turn our...

Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias
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Saudi Arabia Bans Use of the Word “Sportsmanship” Due to Gender Bias

Crowning itself the most gender-friendly country in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia has announced its intentions to free the kingdom of gender inequality. After granting women the right to drive last year, the Kingdom is determined to become a more welcoming place for people of all genders.  Last week, King Salman announced his intentions to ban the word ‘Sportsmanship’ due to its...

UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’
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UNESCO Declares Katz’s Deli ‘Palestinian Heritage Site’

In yet another blow to the Jewish People, UNESCO has declared Katz’s Delicatessen, a well-known Jewish, kosher-style establishment, a Palestinian world heritage site. “Al-Delicatessen al-Katz is as integral to Islamic history as Mecca, Medina and South Florida,” the resolution states. “Unfortunately, this landmark is threatened by the Zionist De Blasio occupation regime.” The resolution is the latest in a series...

In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos
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In Wake of Burkini Ban, Muslim Women Demand Criminalization of Fat White Men in Speedos

CANNES – A French-Muslim group has called for a ban on what it terms “woefully-endowed white walruses terrorizing our kids in public,” alongside the repeal of a string of municipal measures outlawing the burkini in southern France. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Dr. Yasmina Al-Hazeemi of France’s Think of the Children! Foundation urged the nation’s parliament to criminalize the tight-fitting male...

New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon
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New York Times Praises Saudis for Not Putting White Man on Moon

Calling the Kingdom a “beacon of tolerance and progressive values,” a column in The New York Times praised Saudi Arabia for winning the “space race for equality” by refusing to put a straight white male on the moon. “While Americans were busy spreading white supremacy by sending cis-gendered straight white men into space, one after another, Saudi leadership refused to...