Culture

American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel

American Birthright Participant Takes a Break from Fucking to Learn about Israel

“I’m frankly a bit disappointed in myself,” sighed Ms. Berkman. “As a BSU sorority sophomore I should be expected to keep the alcohol fueled orgy going the full 10 days of the trip. I think the weather got to me.” Becca Berkman, 20, is a second year student and chairman of Kinda Jewish Sorta Supporting Israel Student Association at Big State University. It’s the seventh morning of her Birthright trip, and Becca unexpectedly finds herself listening to the tour guide...

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

Dave Matthews Immigrates to Israel

TEL AVIV — In a surprise move, legendary musician Dave Matthews has decided to immigrate to Israel.  In an interview with Yonit Levy, the musician said, “This was a difficult choice for me, but this seems like the right time to be with my people.”  Mr. Matthews will move to Tel Aviv by year’s end. Mr. Matthew’s publicist elaborated on the decision to The Mideast Beast.  “It’s time that Dave returns to where he feels most comfortable.  Cut off jean...

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas to Legalize Gay Suicide Bombers

Hamas has agreed to allow gays to serve as suicide bombers as part of an overall campaign to liberalize the Gaza Strip. Ahmed al-Tabi, Hamas’ cultural minister promised that “a future of equality is in store for Palestinians” and that “the Zionist entity does not have a monopoly on progressive policies. And by the way, they’re still way, way behind most western countries despite all of the media hype. We’re just way, way, way behind.” “We want to create a...

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

Porn Brings Israeli and Palestinian Teens Together at Co-Existence Summer Camp

In turns out that, of all things, porn has helped Israelis and Palestinians find common ground for peace and coexistence. Yona Cohen, a 16-year old from Jerusalem told us, “I was at one of those ‘co-existence’ camps this past summer and I was bored out my mind. Figured I’d just pass the time by watching a little porn on my iPhone. That’s when Ahmed saw what I was looking at. I thought ‘shit, now I’m in trouble’ but he leaned over and...

GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible

GOP Decides Prayer Now Officially Tax Deductible

Following the success of Israeli Agriculture Minister, Uri Ariel’s campaign to pray away the drought that has affected the region for years, several key GOP leaders have inserted a provision into the new United States Tax Plan to allow tax deductions for prayer. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented, “We used to allow deductions for silly things like installing solar panels and investing in proper insulation and water conservation. None of which gets a mention in either Testament. Now...

Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle

Unable to Capitalize on Oil Reserves, ISIS Breaks Ground on Libya’s First Chipotle

Libya seemed like the perfect place for The Islamic State (IS) to settle down: a lack of government and freeze on assets would be an ideal location to move in and set up a nice oil business. And IS thought they had it all figured out after gaining territory in two port cities on Libya’s south and eastern coasts. But once they took control of the oil fields, they realized no one knew how to operate them. “We also had trouble...

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Turkish Premiere Recap Erdogan revealed only 24 months ago that America was discovered by Muslims, religious leaders from across the Muslim world continue to assert that the faith takes no responsibility for the current state of the country. “As a Muslim, I would like to make abundantly clear that we are not to blame for anything that’s taken place in America for the past 800 years,” said Abdullah bin Abdul Muhsen, Secretary-General of the Muslim World League. “Islam is...

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Citing Economic Forces, Santa to Give Natural Gas to Naughty Children

Santa Claus will be switching to natural gas to put in naughty children’s stockings this Christmas, as the low cost of the gas due to fracking has made coal economically inviable. “While coal has been my preference for punishing bad children for two millennia, I cannot ignore how economic trends impact our bottom line,” Claus told The Mideast Beast. “The low price and abundance of natural gas make it a natural transition.” Santa also considered instead purchasing crude oil from...

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

‘Lesjihadis’ Seize Saudi Embassy, Threaten to Kill Male Hostages

BEIRUT – Lesbian terrorists are vowing to execute 34 male diplomats if Saudi Arabia does not grant women and LGBT citizens equal rights, after storming the kingdom’s embassy in the Lebanese capital this morning. Posing as a class of political science college students, dozens of female militants – who smuggled plastic guns in their orifices – seized the compound at 10:15 AM local time. After releasing all women, effeminate men and local cleaning staff, the so-called ‘Al-Kus Brigades’ (Pussy Brigades)...

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Study: Majority of Western Jihadists in Syria Are “Total Pussies”

Despite widespread concern among world leaders and intelligence agencies over Western-born jihadists flocking to Syria to join ISIS, a new report shows that most end up returning home disillusioned and desperately craving “infidel creature comforts.” According to the Brussels-based Institute for the Study of Islamic Killaholics, which interviewed hundreds of returning Islamist fighters, “the vast majority of these combatants come home to Europe or elsewhere not with a heightened lust to kill people, but rather a newfound love for Western...

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

ISIS and Archaeologists Equally Delighted over Newly Discovered Ruins in Jordan

Archaeologists have used satellite imaging to discover an ancient structure buried near the historic city of Petra in Jordan, you know, the site in Indiana jones and the Last Crusade. “This find is incredible!” exclaimed archaeologist Dr. Lucy Peatbog. “This discovery gives us a better sense of how civilizations in this area lived thousands of years ago. What’s next? We discover Atlantis, Xanadu, maybe those Clinton emails? With this tech, I’d believe it.” But ancient history fans aren’t the only...

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

Breaking News: ISIS Leader Killed in Black Friday Stampede at Walmart

ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s determination to score a cheap, big flatscreen TV proved fatal this holiday weekend, as the Caliph was trampled to death at a Walmart Black Friday sale outside Tallahassee, Florida. Baghdadi, who traveled to the United States specifically for the sale, arrived at Walmart to find a long line had already formed outside the store, while just a limited number of highly-discounted flatscreen televisions were for sale. Baghdadi tried to force his way to the front...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started importing all the giant balloons of famous jihadists and radical preachers into the city so we had to leave them...

Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre

Jonjo Ambers Visits: Abu Dhabi’s Louvre

The moonlight sparkled across the Persian Gulf as the raucous crowd moved towards the Middle East’s new artistic centerpiece. Sheikh Khalifa, who commissioned and oversaw the $1 billion project, greeted me with open arms: “We are very proud to put ourselves on the cultural map. We couldn’t think of a name on our own so we just thought, ‘fuck it, let’s just copy the Parisians!’” As we made our way through the gallery, I was struck by the variety of...

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

Muslim Archeologists Baffled by Remains of Mysterious Ancient Temple Beneath Al Aqsa Mosque

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists working underneath the Temple Mount have announced a discovery that could potentially rewrite history faster than a Texas textbook. The team of Muslim archaeologists began work around the Haram esh-Sharif (The Temple Mount) a number of months ago, and it seems they’ve made a once-in-a-lifetime find. “It appears that The Noble Sanctuary was built on top of a much older structure,” announced the team leader, Dr. Yousef Muhamad. “Though we were unable to ascertain the origins of the ruins....

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

Israeli Army Hands Out Medals for not Making Camel Jokes

In a recent military ceremony, Chief of Israel Defense Force (IDF) Ground Forces Command handed out medals to several IDF soldiers following the successful repatriation of two lost camels to Palestine. “This was a complex operation where there was the very real danger that these brave men and women could have resorted to any number of juvenile jokes relating to camels, their owners, and the potential of a close relationship between the two. It is a tribute to them that there was...

Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Authorities: Still Too Early to Plan Annual ‘War on Christmas’

Jewish and Muslim authorities have combined forces to criticize what they see as a premature planning of the ‘War on Christmas’. In a series of press releases representatives of both faiths lashed out at the perpetual cycle of planning earlier every year. “As soon as September rolls around we are already receiving blueprints for how we are going to undermine the Christian holiday” one memo states. “It’s pretty fucking annoying. I don’t even want to hear about Christmas until late...

Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

Netanyahu Aides Advise Him to Dress Israel Up as Democracy This Halloween

As part of continual efforts to improve Israel’s image in the eyes of the world, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu’s political aides have advised him to dress Israel up as a democracy this coming Halloween. After deliberating the matter for a couple of days, Bibi finally decided that throwing together a mock constitution and acting like less of a fascist dick-tator for an evening would indeed be a cool costume for this Tuesday. Rumors from within the Israeli Parliament say that when...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed heads, leading officials to believe that the men could be elusive moderate Syrian rebels. Other US intelligence agencies were conferenced...

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Anti-Semites, Anti-Zionists, and Nazis! Oy Vey! Americans Flowing into Israel as Safe Haven

Hundreds of Americans have sought refuge in Israel as anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist fervor grows in America. American Jew, James Silverberg, has settled in Tel Aviv. He explained to reporters, “Things are totally crazy back home. On the extreme right, you’ve got these crazy racists screaming, ‘Jews will not replace us!’ And then they turn around and say they admire Israel for being an ethno-state. I mean, remember those Ethiopian Jews they airlifted to Israel? Bunch of racist idiots!” Another American,...