Would you be happy departing our blue-green home planet for the cold, inhospitable wastelands of Mars? Would you leave everything behind with no prospects of ever returning home? For most of us this doesn’t sound like an appetizing proposition, but many young Israelis are preparing to do just that and are packing their bags for the red planet. The Israeli...
In a recent public statement, U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter announced that new intelligence reports indicate that there are in fact human women underneath burqas in Afghanistan. “This comes as a great surprise to us,” said Secretary Carter. “Our on-the-ground operatives in the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan have, up until this point, been unaware of the true nature...
With last Friday’s Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage nationwide and ending what gay Americans called “Phase 1,” gay leaders said they would now refocus all their efforts on recruiting American children to their cause. “This has always been a multi-stage operation,” said Lance Bass, the official leader of all gay Americans. “First, we achieve marriage equality. Next, we recruit...
In the wake of the most recent flotilla headed for Gaza, a local toddler has launched a flotilla against bath time, causing a lot of stress for his mother. The mother reportedly filled up a plastic baby tub, all the while complaining about how “he used to love baths.” As the toddler was pushed into the tub, he organized his...
Many have called it a victory for human rights. Some have called it an act that will anger God. Two government leaders call it a dream come true. Following the long awaited US Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage in all fifty states, John Boehner (R-OH) and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu have announced their plans to marry. It’s...
In a somewhat unsurprising conclusion, another arbitrary Old Testament Law has been found to be in conflict with the Constitution of the United States. Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) announced a ruling that makes gay marriage legal in all fifty states. The debate surrounding gay marriage has become somewhat overblown in recent years, with the argument...
Calling it a model for safe working conditions that its own management could learn from, Qatari officials have reportedly tried to contact the operators of the theme park from the hit film ‘Jurassic World’ to find out how they were able to operate an entertainment facility with so few worker deaths. “After watching the documentary, we were impressed by how...
Hoping to create goodwill with the Iranian regime and boost the chances of a deal over Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama announced Thursday that his administration has executed British novelist Salman Rushdie, potentially eliminating a key sticking point in negotiations. “The Iranians have made their opposition to Mr. Rushdie’s continued existence clear for the past 26 years,” Obama told reporters....
Stressed out Sunni volunteer fighters were reassured by NFL superstar Tom Brady that “Me, the entire New England Patriots organization and my delicious Brazilian fashion model wife are confident that you’ll bring your A-game whenever ISIS comes to play,” during a graduation ceremony at Anbar Province’s Al-Taqaddum Air Base. “”I told Brady that what we really need is less jawing...
In a surprise move by Israel’s Ministry for Religious Affairs, a new compromise was proposed to deal with the ongoing demand by the “Women of the Wall” movement to allow them to pray freely at the Western Wall in Jerusalem. While Ministry sources acknowledged that “Women of the Wall have a right to visit the Western Wall in order to...
Peace talks between Yemen’s warring factions have failed to produce a ceasefire agreement as all sides attempt to extend their time in beautiful Switzerland. Yemen President Riad Yassin squarely placed the blame on the rebel Shiite Houthi side; “My team and I are just sitting here cooling our heels in the Four Seasons, and all I all see on their...
At the annual Fun-Islam Convention in the coastal city of Bushehr, Iranian Supreme Council member Jawafar Rafsanah admitted that Iran’s nuclear program was merely “a joke that simply went too far”. Rafsanah, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the nuclear program began as an internal joke between (Supreme Leader) Khamenei and President Rafsanjani, who had told the leader “hey,...
Calling it a proud symbol of a heritage worth honoring, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi staunchly backed South Carolina’s efforts to fly the Confederate battle flag over government buildings and said the Caliphate was considering adopting the flag itself. “The Confederate battle flag stands for racism, slavery, treason, oppression, discrimination. In other words, everything that’s awesome!” al-Baghdadi told The Israeli...
After a long anticipated wait, the Dead Sea has finally evaporated Tuesday. All but one remaining pool of water has disappeared, leaving a scared and helpless “Nessiestein” cowering in fear. Nessiestein, the Dead Sea monster, is a distant relative of the more famous Nessie of Loch Ness, and has inhabited the Dead Sea region for Millennia. However, prospects for Nessiestein’s...
Tel Aviv, Israel – The annual Tel Aviv Gay Pride Parade caused mass confusion and pandemonium last week as a group of 120 Americans of all ages, and incidentally all named Gail, came as a group to participate. “I believe we may have made a horrible mistake”, exclaimed Gail O’keefe of Orlando, Florida. “We were told it was a Gail Pride...
Concerns are rising among sports commentators as well as Jewish community mavens regarding the loss of the Cleveland Cavaliers at the 2015 NBA finals. Cavaliers coach David Blatt, who had immigrated to Israel in 1981, is pretty much a national hero in his adoptive country and calls himself “a proud Jew, Israeli and Pez dispensers collector”. However, the loss of...
STOCKHOLM – At the fifth annual BDS Movement Award Show, the Swedish Academy for Political Hypocrisy, which hosted the event, gave the lifetime achievement award to the long-deserving ultra-orthodox Rabbi Ben Schmuck of Halamish, an orthodox Jewish settlement in the West Bank. The academy noted Schmuck’s many years of ideological leadership and dedication to the BDS cause. Academy chairman Ike A. Meatballsson...
Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....
After Lifetime television rebuffed Senator John McCain’s demand that the cable network either restore Matlock to their schedule or suffer a brutal military response, the Senator ordered the military to make good on his threat. “I told the guy who answered the phone at the Pentagon that I need them to launch an attack on a cable network in New...
Just as over the rest of the world, the Triple Crown victory of American Pharoah at Belmont – the first in more than four decades – was greeted with much celebration in refugee camps across the Middle East. “The way Pharoah sprinted at the end to win by 5 ½ lengths was just amazing” Abdul ibn Abdul from Syria, who...
