An exceptionally horny Israeli aviator on Sunday veered away from his squadron during a wide-scale multinational drill, and flew off with a pack of Italian Air Force pilots to party it up in Rome. “I became a flyboy because no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get laid in high school. Per capita, Israeli aviators have the highest rates...
The Islamic Republic of Iran has emerged as a world leader in tolerance and human rights, a series of reports by journalists allowed to leave the country of their own free will revealed this week. Further, several reporters not currently jailed for espionage have documented that the Iranian regime has no interest in war and is in the process of...
The US State Department Monday urged its citizens to avoid all travel to Israel because of security concerns raised by Birthright trips. In a statement, the State Department said, “American Jewish parents should understand that they accept the risks of sending their children on Birthright Israel and should carefully consider those risks.” “In the past year, seventeen US citizens were arrested for illegal...
As Syria continues it’s rapid unraveling, President Bashar al-Assad was reportedly seen dancing the night away among 20,000 aging baby boomers at the Paul McCartney concert in London last weekend. “Maybe I’m amazed I’ve managed to stay in power this long,” Assad was overheard telling his wife during Sir Paul’s powerful rendition of ‘Carry That Weight.’ The Syrian strongman, a...
In another lop sided vote – 170 for, 5 against, and 19 abstentions – the UN General Assembly condemned Israel, this time over the increase in gratuitous sexual violence on Game of Thrones. The resolution, which read in part: Where as, the world’s viewers have always enjoyed the seemingly teen-imagined soft core so prevalent in Game of Thrones, with its...
The tunes of 95.9 FM “The Ranch” fill the main room of the log cabin, snippets of a Fox newscast barely audible from the adjacent bedroom during pauses in the music. A man sits on an old leather chair that was brought in from DC, he’s cleaning a shotgun. The room is decorated with mementos from four decades of a...
The single candle casts five shadows on the cavern’s back wall, the flame reflecting in four pairs of apprehensive eyes locked on the figure in slate-gray robes. The figure raises two hands and intones: “God is greatest!” “Praise be to God!” the voices from the back are waveringly slightly, as if mimicking the flickering light of the candle. “By the...
In a surprise announcement today, causing a global ‘thumbs up’, the Israeli government announced that it would acquiesce to the requests of countless over the course of several decades to “just go away.” Thus, the Jewish State will most likely succumb to international pressure and disband. However, this decision hinges on just a single condition: that the world’s apparent fascination...
British musician and former Smiths front man Morrissey immediately cancelled the remaining shows on his 2015 concert tour upon hearing the news that he had been sentenced to death by an Egyptian court on Saturday. “I cannot take this kind of heat. I have delicate skin and the thought of being shot, beheaded or however they plan on ending me is...
In an attempt to connect with chronically glassy eyed college students, the largest organization of professors in the United States is combatting declining interest in Middle East studies by changing the name of the region. “Today’s pop culturally savvy, sex-saturated undergraduates are tuning out of any programs that contain the term ‘Middle East’. Aspiring potheads around the country believe that the entire region is...
Today, Diaspora Jews live in constant fear of what are called, “two day yontifs.” During these two-day holiday periods, many Jews are unable to use electronic devices or cars due to religious restrictions. The odd part of this practice is that by the nature of signifying historic events, Jewish holidays should take place on a single day. So where the...
In what can only be viewed as an unbelievable story, it has been revealed that the Pope is actually not Catholic and he may be planning on converting to Islam. Following his recent meeting with Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, world leaders began to suspect something was ‘a bit off’ about Pope Francis when he pronounced Abbas an ‘an angel of...
Following a string of questionable, Holocaust-based designs, Urban Outfitters released a new shirt not long ago that created yet more uproar. Previously controversial designs include patterns that closely mimic Nazi concentration camp prisoner uniforms, including stripes and a yellow star and stripes with a pink triangle. The Israeli Daily spoke with a spokesperson from Urban Outfitters to get some answers about...
In the wake of violent protests in Baltimore after the killing of an unarmed African American man, and protests in Israel after the beating of an IDF soldier of Ethiopian descent, the Baltimore Police Departments and the Israeli Police have agreed to joint exercises to better their techniques in mercilessly beating people of African descent. In a joint statement, the...
Reports have been received by The Mideast Beast that an American tourist returning from Israel was preparing to carry out a covert operation to sneak an orange he purchased in a Jerusalem outdoor market past JFK International customs. Bringing in foreign produce is strictly illegal, and based on the scouring faces of homeland security agents, assumed to be punishable by death....
Selecting and cleaning fruits and veggies from one of Israel’s many colorful Shuks (a Middle Eastern outdoor market) can be confusing and stressful. The Mideast Beast has compiled these steps to making sure you’re spending right and keeping your family healthy! Step One: When you first enter the Shuk, be sure to scout out all the stalls before choosing which to...
James Taylor, thrust back into the public eye after his surprise appearance at a press conference following the attack on Charlie Hebdo singing ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ to the French people, has embarked on a 10-city jaunt through Middle East capitals whose governments have asserted their opposition to the ISIS militant group. “After hugging Paris, Jim is stoked about hanging loose...
Following Saudi King Salman’s last-minute cancellation of his trip to meet with President Obama, several of DC’s upscale bars, strip clubs, and luxury retail outlets say they may be forced to declare bankruptcy. “I’ve been counting on this visit all year. Hell, half my inventory was ordered with the Saudi royal family in mind,” said one DC jeweler. “It’s like if...
Bi-nationality is a little understood phenomenon that many people are uncomfortable discussing. The condition, considered by many to be unnatural, manifests itself in a growing number of people who are citizens of two countries. Israeli-Americans are one of the most prevalent types, with more appearing every year. But the question of how this happens remains. Because bi-nationals can’t biologically reproduce...
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani denounced the soon-to-be released Star Wars: Episode VII, in a speech carried live on state-run television. “I’ve seen the trailers. This American propaganda piece warps strong, charismatic, security-minded leaders and turns them into monsters. Emperor Palpatine loves democracy and the Republic, as do I. Only Western nations hell-bent on destabilizing our region would support a movie...
