The Israeli Government has admitted setting up a crisis center in case it turns out douche bag of the day Walter James Palmer is a Jew. Spokeswoman Eva Goldberg commented; “It would be just typical that just as we got over the hump of ‘Gaza One Year On’, this asshat turns out to be one of ours. I think I...
In response to the Iranian nuclear agreement, a distraught Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has been heard in recent days around Jerusalem mumbling to himself and sharing his uncensored views at local eating establishments. “The Prime Minister was quietly munching on a Falafel ball when the news about the finalized deal came over the radio. All of a sudden, he...
Based on serious, academic research, this is how The Settlers of Catan look to a Liberal ...
The world’s most powerful Jihadist, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is engulfed in a firestorm of controversy following accusations that he secretly treated females as nothing less than equals for decades. “He encouraged me to go to college, earn a degree and focus on my career. Today, Baghdadi’s idolized by angry young men around the Middle East based on his tough-guy reputation....
After the Stein family decided to embark on a three-week trip to Israel, things started off as an ostensibly normal vacation. However, according to Shlomi Stein (the youngest son), on about day four, it began to take a “horribly embarrassing” turn for the worse. At that point of the trip, the patriarch of the Stein clan, Avi, inexplicably adopted a god-awful Israeli...
Now that the deal between Iran and the West has alleviated fears of a nuclear apocalypse, the American public has largely tuned out news coming out of the Middle East to focus on domestic issues. “I became so obsessed with Iran’s nuclear program that I didn’t even notice when my wife gave birth to another man’s child. If there’s one...
After more than 20 years of being ridiculed as the worst Nobel Peace Prize recipient in memory, former Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat admitted he was really hoping Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei would win the award this year and take over that distinction. “Do you know how tiring it gets being the stereotype of a bad Nobel Peace Prize...
Terror tunnels? Or man caves? In an effort to calm ongoing tensions along the Israeli-Gazan border, a joint venture with Hamas’ Board of Tourism and Zionist startup 2waystreet is operating exclusive summer tunnel tours. From now until rainy season or rocket season, whichever comes first, Gaza has opened its sophisticated network of military tunnels to the public. Tourists and sightseeing...
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Liberal advocacy groups (and conservative groups smart enough to pick their fights) scored a major victory last week as the South Carolina state legislature voted to remove the Confederate Battle Flag from the State Capitol. After toasting their achievement with venti frappuccinos, the groups turned their attention to their next goal: removing the Israeli flag from the...
Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due...
In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,”...
With the influx and influence of western female recruits pouring into ISIS held territory across a wide swath of Iraq and Syria to fight infidels and get laid, a radical fusion of thought and practice is challenging the Islamic State terror group’s views regarding the practice of Female Genital Mutilation also known as Female Circumcision. “Removal of the magic button...
As German and Greek politicians were in a last ditch effort to grevent the Greeks for grexiting the European greekommunitiny, the mood in both capitals was resentful and antagonistic. However, there’s cause for cautious optimism as Israel, a veteran of mediated negotiations, has volunteered to step in. “We are very thankful for the long history of European moderation in our negotiations with the...
The flow of young female jihadists from Europe is causing a challenge for ISIS’ chief morale officer Muhammad bin Youssef as his team tries to combat homesickness. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily bin Youssef said that the organization was failing to live up to the expectations of these recruits and was identifying ways in which it could make the...
In efforts to put a friendlier face on attempts to break Israel’s naval blockade of the Gaza Strip, Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, has revealed that Hamas is currently in negotiations with Disney Cruise Lines to be a corporate sponsor of the next Gaza flotilla. Speaking to The Israeli Daily using voice distortion technology, the senior Hamas leader said, “This...
United States President Barack Obama has replaced Secretary of State John Kerry the lead US negotiator in the Iran talks with the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame. Speaking to The Israeli Daily aboard Air Force One en route to a golf outing in Florida, President Obama said John Kerry has done an outstanding job as Team America negotiator, but expressed...
Following a prolonged legal battle, the FDA has finally categorized matzah ball soup as a certified cure for several common ailments. The traditional meal, often referred to as “Jewish penicillin,” has been used to treat colds for well over a thousand years, according to numerous Jewish grandmothers. For decades, the FDA has categorized the delicacy as a homeopathic cure, and...
New information has surfaced recently, shedding light on what was previously believed to be straightforward anti-Semitism espoused by famed singer and songwriter Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Waters, who denies all accusations of being an anti-Semite, has repeatedly said that all such accusations are merely “a Judeo-Zionist plot by long-nosed old men to conquer the world and get hold of...
George Clooney has parted from leggy, Lebanese-born human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin, and joined the ragtag band of Kurdish fighters resisting ISIS on the Turkish-Syrian border. “I thought Amal would use her connections to help me become President of the United States. Instead, that clingy bitch did nothing but nag me about poker nights with Matt Damon and Don Cheadle,”...
After the excitement following the announcement by Cofix that the startup company will open five Shekel grocery stores, Coffix has promised the opening of a five shekel ‘Old Fashioned’ chain. The chain, to be called Cofucks, will begin with a pilot store in Tel Aviv, expand into Jerusalem, cause a series of ultra-orthodox Jewish riots, and end up exclusively in Tel Aviv....
