In his latest attempt to show the world that Saudi Arabia is modernizing under his leadership, the Kingdom’s maverick Prince, Muhammed “Bone Saw” Bin Salman (MBS), has officially declared the Kingdom “Pro-Choice.” Effective immediately, when ‘ankle-flashers’ and their ilk are caught violating Sharia’s Modesty Laws, they’ll get to choose from a ‘potpourri of punishments’ unimaginable under previous regimes.
For example, if the penalty is ‘public flogging’, they can now select from rows of leather whips and cat-o-nine-tails – some even featured in 50 Shades of Grey.
Plus – if the infraction occurs over a holiday, they’ll get their choice of rocks for stoning. “Historically mobs have always thrown jagged, irregular rocks because of their abundance. Women had no say whatsoever in the style, color and weight of stones that directly impacted their lives” said the young monarch in a reflective moment. Promising more changes to come, he reminded those gathered that he was the one who lifted the ban on women drivers. “I want women of my kingdom to be empowered through education. They should know if Lapis Lazuli is easier to throw than granite, or which stone inflicts the most damage to internal organs.”
When told of the news, a one-armed man sighed wistfully. “I wish we’d had choices when I was stealing cattle.”