War

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq

Vatican’s Swiss Guard Redeployed to Iraq

The Pontifical Swiss Guard of the Holy See stationed at the Vatican in Rome will be redeployed to assist in the battle against Islamic State militants, but will not be involved in combat, the Rome-based daily Il Messagero reported on Wednesday. “Our Teutonic mercenaries were cramping this Argentinian Pope’s style,” noted Mathias Fluck, a young guardsman. “In the Philippines, the Bishop of Rome made us stop the entire caravan, in the middle of a crowd of about six million hungry Catholics, so he could hop on the...

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

ISIS Fears For George R.R. Martin’s Health

Today the terror group ISIS released a statement expressing concern for the health of George R.R. Martin, the author of the book series upon which the wildly successful HBO series Game of Thrones is based. The group, well known to be fans of both the book and television series, announced that they would “beseech Allah to provide our dearest George with strong health, enough to finish writing his marvelous books which are below only the Quran itself.” ISIS militants expressed...

Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone

Hamas have announced they will open a PR company after a successful summer of fooling everyone

In a statement the group described ideal trading conditions as the reason behind the announcement saying ISIS, Tony Blair and the Zionist Union had approached them for advice. “Every left wing person seems to love Hamas across the world,” said the Zionist Union, “We want to know their secret to win the election for us and I guess also for Israel, who we have to pretend to like for a bit.” “We may be shit at destroying Israel and killing...

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

Bush White House Leadership: Brian Williams Provided All Iraq War Intelligence

In an interview from an undisclosed location, a distressed former Vice President Dick Cheney today revealed that Brian Williams provided the since discredited pre-war intelligence he presented to justify invading Iraq. “Aluminum tubes? The al-Queada Connection? All Williams,” Cheney explained, as he did a fair approximation of human emotions. “And did I mention that Brian told me the meaning of the term ‘last throes?’ Cheney wasn’t the only former Bush official to come forward. Serendipitously, former Secretary of State of...

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

Syrian Refugees File Suit against UN Aid Agencies

A group of displaced persons from Syria who had fled ISIS-controlled territory for the safety of a refugee camp in Lebanon filed a lawsuit on Monday at the International Criminal Court (ICC) against the United Nations Refugee Agency for alleged false advertising. Saif El-Amin, a toothless man from Raqqa, asserts that “The United Nations promised us a place with a red-tiled roof, home entertainment center and a view of the main square. Instead we got a tent full of holes,...

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS Split Over George Bush Invitation

ISIS is reportedly on the verge of splitting after the leadership sent an invitation to former US President George W. Bush to become a honorary life member of the Caliphate as a sign of gratitude for his services to Islamic extremism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi stood by the decision, “Look here, when Boko Haram in Nigeria attack neighboring Chad the link to George Bush is quite clear,” the Caliph explained. “The leader of a country in one continent invading a country in...

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

British Prime Minister Defends Torture

In the run up to the next election, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that torture is ok by him as long as he doesn’t have to get any of that icky blood stuff on himself. Asked on the campaign trail about the UK’s cozy relationship with Saudi Arabia Cameron said: “I can tell you one time since I’ve been prime minister, a piece of information that we have been given by that country has saved potentially hundreds of lives here...

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terrorists Worry Amazon is Driving Local Terror Stores Out of Business

Terror connoisseurs are increasingly alarmed that Amazon is driving mom-and-pop terror stores out of business. From Libya to Pakistan, local craftsman on which jihadis have long depended for the tools of mayhem are unable to compete with Amazon on price or convenience. Full-time ISIS terrorist, Ima Fook Waad, fingered his beheading sword as he described the crisis. “I got this sword from Ahmed’s Shop ‘n Chop. See the craftsmanship. Takes a head off with one swipe. But the kids these days,...

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Hezbollah Leaders Flee Syria, Photobomb Milan Fashion Week

Following an alleged Israeli attack that killed five members of Hezbollah operating out of Syria, dozens of the Islamist militant group’s senior members have reportedly fled to this season’s catwalks at Milan Fashion Week 2015. Jalal Jaffer, a high ranking Hezbollah operative, photobombed a selfie taken by Paris Hilton with rapper Snoop Dogg backstage at the Philipp Plein show. “His first collection of vintage military jackets, which he embroidered with Swarovski skulls, inspired me to quit my online tutoring job and...

ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies

ISIS Downs Squadron of My Little Ponies

In another demonstration of their growing military prowess, ISIS today announced that their fighters had successfully downed part of a My Little Pony Squadron invading their territory. “Allah be praised, our rockets struck home!” declared spokesman Ive ibn Drinkin. “The sky rained blood and brightly colored fur. Glory to the All-mighty.” Early reports agreed that Merry May and Cloud Chaser were among the casualties. Others said Twilight Sparkle was among the dead, though those could not be confirmed. Beloved pony,...

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Hitler “Totally Not Hiding In Argentina” Says Old Argentinean Man Who Looks Suspiciously Like Hitler

Mr Estevez looks very familiar, like someone you might recognize had the years been kinder. He has an odd accent for a person who claims to have lived his whole life in beautiful Buenos Aires, Argentina (image above). Spanish with a twinge of something stern that’s hard to place. This polite old man has been claiming in recent days that he knows for sure that Hitler is not hiding in Argentina, and that, as the prevailing theory suggests, he took his...

Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’

Ugg Boots responsible for US Airways ’Vomit Flight’

A week after the grounding of a US Airways flight from Tel Aviv to Philadelphia, a Tel Aviv native in Ugg Boots claimed responsibility for the odor that wafted through the cabin and sparked a chain reaction of vomiting. Rose Pedelstein contacted media outlets after a TSA investigation identified her feet as the source for the noxious odor. “I’m really, really sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused,” Ms. Pedelstein said in a statement. “But the temperature in Tel Aviv...

FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party

FBI: Syrian Spy Crashed 2014 White House Hanukkah Party

The FBI released a statement on Monday confirming that, “A Syrian General Security Directorate agent was identified and apprehended during the official reception to celebrate the Jewish festival of Hanukkah.” Interrogated by Federal Agents, the spy revealed his motivation for crashing the gala event: “A corned beef sandwich. I was on the rooftop of the Hay-Adams Hotel at Lafayette Square, in the crouched position, about to put a bullet through the eye of a filthy American-trained conspirator, when I started craving cured meat.”...

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

Hamas to EU: Put us back on terrorism blacklist immediately

In a move that will result in a collective boner for terror organizations around the world, the EU has removed Hamas from its terror organization blacklist. To add insult to injury, Egypt, a long time foe of Hamas, has recently done the same. However, it appears that Hamas is quite dispirited with the EU’s move. “When we filed our appeal we knew that the EU was feeling down because of so many ongoing issues; from the deteriorating euro zone economy...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under the banner of Islam, I overlooked the most important condition needed to return to the greatness of the Prophet’s time;...

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really honest, things have deteriorated somewhat from when we invented ‘zero’”. “We are particularly interested in the practical applications of science...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here we are uniting Jehova and Allah, into Jehovallah, and this is the name we call out when we climax, though...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one moment we were carrying out low level racial profiling, the next we’re knee deep in a ‘Southern Fried Intifada’. The...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed in Synagogue attack,” omitting the small but salient fact that the two Palestinians were the putzes doing the killing. Following a...

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

Secret UN communiques passed to The Mideast Beast have revealed that Egypt and Israel came close to renewed conflict last week due to the over exuberance of some of the peacekeepers posted to the Multinational Force & Observers operating in the Sinai peninsula. According to the communiques Indian soldiers posted as part of the force were able to sneak in a large number of fireworks in order to celebrate Diwali, the Hindu’s ‘Festival of Lights’. When set off at the culmination...