War

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here we are uniting Jehova and Allah, into Jehovallah, and this is the name we call out when we climax, though...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one moment we were carrying out low level racial profiling, the next we’re knee deep in a ‘Southern Fried Intifada’. The...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed in Synagogue attack,” omitting the small but salient fact that the two Palestinians were the putzes doing the killing. Following a...

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

UN Peacekeepers almost restart Israeli, Egyptian hostilities

Secret UN communiques passed to The Mideast Beast have revealed that Egypt and Israel came close to renewed conflict last week due to the over exuberance of some of the peacekeepers posted to the Multinational Force & Observers operating in the Sinai peninsula. According to the communiques Indian soldiers posted as part of the force were able to sneak in a large number of fireworks in order to celebrate Diwali, the Hindu’s ‘Festival of Lights’. When set off at the culmination...

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood we couldn’t baste him for as long as we would have wanted. On the plus side the stoning had tenderised...

Extreme Makeover: ISIS Hires Leading Advertising Agency to Clean Up Nasty Image

Extreme Makeover: ISIS Hires Leading Advertising Agency to Clean Up Nasty Image

ISIS has hired the Manhattan-based Dewey, Cox and Dingle advertising agency in an attempt to rebrand the militant group’s image. CEO B.J. Hoofard noted that, “The first thing I told them when we met in my office was, ‘boys, I just got a call: the 12th century wants its religious nihilism back.'” When asked how his company plans to represent the extremist, jihadist terrorist operation, Hoofard responded dryly: “Carefully. Very Carefully.” He went on, ‘We live in the Digital Age....

‘The Expendables 4: ISIS IS-OUT’ to be filmed in Gaza

‘The Expendables 4: ISIS IS-OUT’ to be filmed in Gaza

Widely circulating rumors that the Expendables 4 movie is to be filmed in the Gaza Strip were confirmed last night by Sylvester Stallone. Director, writer and star of the franchise confirmed that the 4th film, working title ‘ISIS – IS-OUT’ would use location shots of derelict Gazan areas in an effort to give the film ‘that authentic, terroristic feel’. In an interview with The Israeli Daily, the rubber-faced Rocky star stated that, ‘obviously, we can’t actually go into any ISIS...

International Intelligence agencies unable to pin down origin of ‘Khorosan Group’

International Intelligence agencies unable to pin down origin of ‘Khorosan Group’

At an emergency roundtable meeting held at The Hague, Netherlands, the emergence of a previously undocumented player in international terrorism known only as the ‘Khorosan Group,’ has dominated the three-day security symposium. “I’ve heard of them, but I thought it was a management consulting firm.” said one attendee.  “No! You have it all wrong.  Khorosan is a powdered dish soap suitable for septic systems.” screamed another.  Official remarks are still in draft status until the security summit reaches its conclusion...

Retraction: top satirical news site misidentifies radical Muslim clerics

Retraction: top satirical news site misidentifies radical Muslim clerics

A leading satirical news website, The Mideast Beast, stood accused of gross racism yesterday as it published a story in which it mistakenly mixed up two leading religious firebrands. See “British Home Secretary loses her shit.” “But Sir, they all look the same to me,” moaned dashing reporter Marcus Thunderbolt. “One of them has a fucking hook for a hand and the other one doesn’t, you colossal racist fuck,” retorted the editor. “Sorry.” On a side note, ruggedly handsome reporter, Rani Steelballs, oddly enjoyed...

Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”

Clashes break out over who is most annoying “peace envoy”

The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of sanctimonious bleating and new-age wishing that creates the ideal climate for punching. I want to kick his balls right into...

Australia the Most Dangerous Place on Earth

Australia the Most Dangerous Place on Earth

Islamic State (IS) militants have now joined the long list of ‘basically fucking everything that is trying to kill you in Australia’. Typical Aussie bloke, James Wart, commented “it’s been a matter of pride here that absolutely everything that swims in the sea, crawls on the earth and flies in the air is trying to kill us, all the time. I knew a mate that was taken out by a Koala bear falling out of a tree, true story. So...

Paris too distracting for decision makers

Paris too distracting for decision makers

Foreign Ministers from around the world are admitting today that there would be a lot more concrete action on the ‘Islamic State’ if Paris weren’t just so damn delightful in the early autumn sunshine. John Kerry confessed “I swear I was absolutely going to make a detailed report to the conference, but then I looked out of my hotel room this morning at the sun glittering like molten gold over the Seine, the smell of fresh baked croissants wafted up...

ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird

ISIS beginning to think the ‘Stop the War’ Coalition is just a bit weird

  Following demonstrations at the NATO summit in Wales by the Stop the War Coalition, ISIS spokesman Ali al-daziz has confided that they are not sure what to make of them, “On the one hand, all respect to them as they seem to hate the great Satan America more than we do. Abet with not as much sword-waving action. So that we like. On the other hand they seem to be cool with Putin and think that the West is being a...

Bomb maker’s death raises concerns about children and plastic explosives

Bomb maker’s death raises concerns about children and plastic explosives

“Whatever you do, you must not push this button,” the elderly bomb-maker tells the 10-year old boy as he shows the child the suicide vest. “This button?” the boy replies, pushing the button and separating the bomb-maker into two. Today, the death has ignited a powerful debate on the dangers of children and explosives, and whether responsible bomb makers should place their lives in the hands of irresponsible youth. Hamas master bomb-maker Hous bin-Pharteen enjoyed working with Palestinian children. “They...

Israel cannot name sixth submarine

Israel cannot name sixth submarine

A serious row has broken out in the upper echelons of the Israeli Navy, over the name of their 6th German built U-boat. The current names, Dolphin, Whale, Crocodile, Revival, and Splendour may all soon be joined by Duck-Bill Platypus or Manatee. “I refuse to command a ship named after something with a permanent smile on it’s face” said Yossi “the Shark” Kaplinski, Israel’s highest scoring U-boat ace with 16-tons of shipping sunk, fifteen of which was accounted for in...

Bomb Shelter, Bomb Shells!

Bomb Shelter, Bomb Shells!

With the recent upsurge in rocket fire thanks to Switzerland-by-the-Sea, Israelis living in the South have taken to using their bomb shelters, which has displaced their normal residents. “This shit is getting ridiculous. There’s almost no where to smoke and have sex with my boyfriend” complained an anonymous 12-year-old girl from Sderot. “It’s really unfair.”
 “Yea, it’s terrible,” complained Mohamed Al-Latif. “I was growing some herbal medicine plants in the local shelter and all the Jews came and smoked it...

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas has developed a remarkable new weapon system that could be used to shoot down unmanned drones. The humanitarian group received a $20 million grant from the Islamic State (IS) Office of Blasphemy Research to build a vehicle-mounted laser to shoot down the hated “flying tools of the Great Satan.” The Ground Laser Air Defense (GLAD) system uses a pickup-mounted platform that leverages “green” technology to power the 25kW laser. “Apparently the laser is powered by the tears of Palestinian...

Governor Jay Nixon calls on IDF

Governor Jay Nixon calls on IDF

Dissatisfied with the performance of the National Guard, Governor Jay Nixon calls on the IDF to “bring order to the chaos” in Ferguson. As violence in Ferguson spirals out of control, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon is calling for help from an unlikely source: Benjamin Netanyahu, the Full-Time Israeli Prime Minister and part-time over-50s Gap Model. The Governor spoke before a press conference on the embattled streets of the Missouri city. “When shit gets real, you really need to bring your...

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make you take your shoes off, we will target Ben Gurion Aiport”. The caption was “We won’t stop until we get...